September 25th |
Sep 25 2008 |
Here it is, nearly the end of the week, and I finally had a good day, relatively speaking. I was at least able to catch up on some things around the house that had fallen behind all week.
But now I sit here, reading the forums and slowly taking my nighttime meds, and I'm exhausted and can't sleep. I feel a bad mood coming on. I don't really know why.
Well, that's not entirely true. I had a bit of a run-in with what could best be described as a Diva, which is something I despise. It's eating at me a bit. And I guess deep down inside I'm frustrated at being stuck in something I can't get out of due to the fact that I have no income of my own, and that angers me.
I am usually such a happy person, always smiling and living my life with a sense of humor just because I love to hear the laughter of others and I like knowing that maybe I've made someone's day. But the longer I am stuck in this situation, the more it eats at me.
I wouldn't call myself a control freak, but I have always had control over my own life except for two times...one being the current situation, and the other I can't (or won't) discuss because I believe it is what caused the onset of my Fibro.These are also the only two times I have felt helpless and that is not a feeling I deal with easily.
I don't want to be angry. I don't like being angry. I just want to regain control of my life so I can move on and do what I know is right for me. But how?
I have no answers. All I can do is sigh.....with a tear in my eye.
I'd better stop. I don't want to cry myself to sleep tonight for the wrong reasons.
I haven't really spoken freely yet, because I don't open up to people that easily. And I am mostly out of the mood I was in last night, so I don't want to go into it right now.
I'm sorry that you went through what you went through, plus going through the CFS/Fibro now, but I am glad you recognized where the problem lie and you finally spoke up. That had to have made you feel better...at least to some extent.
Gentle hugs back to you, and thanks for your comment.
Members who read this post also read:
I could have written this myself! Here is a hug, btw.
Let me share something DEEP ok? I DO DEEPLY and honestly believe that a part of my illness came from my past. From past hurts, past emotions, past anger and MOSTLY from the past which my own Mother (God love her) took away from me. I am not BLAMING her, but I am pointing out (to you and Others) that FOR ME, I am of the opinion that YES, her constant overprotection and denegration of my self-esteem and over-correcting and perfectionism, YES! THAT did do things to my little childish body inside! And I was well into my 30's before I let it come out of my mouth that, HEY, my childhood wasn't all that good! It is as it is and it was as it was. OK, that having been said...like you, once I realized that YES I could control my life (and that my Mother, much to HER chagrin, was NOT in ultimate control - although she still tries!).
Like you, I thought I would become this Great teacher and work with young children because I love doing so! I pushed and pushed myself to do well in grad. school (partly for myself and yes partly for my Mother!). Well, I made it through....all the while undermining my insides. And then I got a teaching job (will save that story) which was the begining of full-blown C.F.S./Fibro. And yes, I felt and still feel frustrated! People don't understand! And I don't 'look sick'. It is SO frustrating. I too try to be a happy person. I AM a happy person, but it isn't fair that WE (you, I and others) have to deal with this! I share your sigh and tear in eye and I would hug you if we were closer. MY OWN children don't totally understand. (They thought my Daughter had M.S.; then years later I get diagnosed for sure with CFS/Fibro.!). I do have moments of anger. It is so hard not to be. Don't you ask yourself....'is this my life?' I didn't sign up for THIS. And if we had CANCER, for example, at least people would understand. After all, Cancer, well you can see that and it's 'real' to people where most folks don't know about CFS and Fibro. (It's taken years, YEARS, for my own spouse to fully understand; and another story there, too.)
I FEEL for you. God bless you. I send you peaceful thoughts. All I can say is you are NOT alone. I share many of your feelings. I personally DO KNOW that this began in MY OWN CHILDHOOD. (Was a very sick baby too!) And that there is only so much I can do; I will never be 100% healthy and I will never again work a 40 hour week. I understand your pain, frustration and TEARS. I am glad you shared your thoughts. ---Shan in oHIo