Falling Starr

The words kept repeating in my mind as I left the massage therapist's office today...."You show all the signs of clinical depression".

The words alone left me feeling depressed. I am not a depressed person, and I don't like being labeled as such.

What I am is yearning. Yearning for a way out of a situation that I feel trapped in. Yearning for the freedom to fulfill my dream. Yearning for the one remaining thing that would fulfill my life, my soul, my heart, my inner-being. That's all I am, is yearning.

I am not depressed by the fact that I don't have the thing I yearn for now. I'm not happy about it, but I'm far from depressed. Motivated and determined would be better words to describe how I feel. What I yearn for is known only to me, and has to stay that way for now. It is something so important to me that I will do whatever I have to do to attain it. What I yearn for is a temporary ommission in my life. But it is out there, waiting for me to grab, like the proverbial brass ring.

The road to what I yearn for is rough right now...moreso than I had ever imagined it would be. The road is paved with bills falling behind, bills I can't pay, credit collection phone calls all times of the day and night, and an IH that makes stupid choices and causes me flare ups by the mere sound of his voice or sight of his text. But there is gold in this road. The gold is the knowledge that the only thing keeping me from what I yearn for is ultimately financial.

I am dependent on another for my income. It has been this way since shortly before being diagnosed with FM. It's no coincidence to me. I have worked since I was 13 and had to lie about my age to get a job. A situation with another country's government stopped my working career even before FM did.

I hate being dependent on another, but that is the way it has to be right now.

But I keep my dream alive in my mind and in my heart. It's all I can do right now. I have to do it, because this one thing I yearn for will make all my dreams come true.

Clinicly depressed, my ass! A depressed person doesn't have goals and dreams. They don't have the determination to work towards their goals.

I trust this massage therapist and his technique is the best I can do for my body. But this time, he is wrong. I don't know what it is he thinks he saw, but I am not depressed! I am goal-oriented and nothing is going to stop me from going after the one thing I yearn for so badly in my life.

This entry dedicated to "The One"