|Apr 01 2011|
The first memory I can call to as being 'the beginning of the so called issue' for me would be grade school. I can't remember what grade but I was young, maybe 9-10 somewhere in that areabut no older. I had to go to this "therapist" in a trailer by the school and it was basically asking me how I felt while drawing pictures and playing connect four. Even then I thought it was useless, but I like connect fours so hey. Why not?
There was a large gap since then, there were plenty of things that happened sure but I never spoke up or even fathomed the idea of going to someone for help. I can't even remember when my PCP had decided that I should be put on to Anti-Depressants. It might have started after my pregnancy - or at least that's when I could use an excuse to feel the way I did. I don't blame other people for it, for the things that have happened in my life. I bring most of them on myself in a way. I never had the perfect childhood, I was never okay. I don't know what okay is, and I certainly don't know what normal is - but that's something I'd never want to be either. Normal. Okay yes, I want to be okay one day but normalcy is a fake word. Anyway...
I remember in late grade school is when I started to cut. I was never 'cool' or and I never fit in with anyone else -I was the smelly kid and the poor kid and I had a cousin in the same grade that wasn't and it made things only worse. I never told anyone that, but kids are kids. I didn't cut because I thought it would give me attention, because it made me feel better - it didn't. I don't know why I did, the pain though it hurt like hell and it would be sore and I'd wonder why the hell I did that and think I was stupid but I'd end up doing it again eventually.
From childhood up until 2008 I never sought professional care, it was my PCP who (after a laundry list of failed anti-depressants) suggested I call a number that could help me better. Before that I had two jobs, I had somewhat of a social life, I was just depressed ALL the time or I was moody. I hated it. It was 2008 that I started cutting again, but it was different. I had this thing with 3's and I have no idea why - it's not with anything else. 3 lines, or three groups of 3 lines giving me 9 marks. In total, since I have 27 scars(all but 6 faded away almost completely. The six are the biggest, were the deepest, and the most visible.)
Since 2008 I've been diagnosed over and over again, I've gone through different doctors at the same place. I've been BiPolar II, I've had psychotic tendencies whatever that is, then I've just been depressed. I've witnessed doctors just wanting to go against what other doctors have said at my expense (thankfully that one no longer IS a doctor). I've been told my first pysch might have given me a 'dabble' of PTSD because he admonished me for my forgetfulness and threatened to have me hospitalized. I've been on a rollercoaster for what seems like forever. I have a list of medications that go all over the place. Some have made me flu-like sick, some have hurt my stomach, others make me feel high or just zombied, the rest just never felt like they ever worked for me at all.
I am sad always or numb maybe and then other times I am a hypocrite and I'm irritable, moody, easily agitated, I want to scream as loud as I can. Suddenly my moods switch and I always get asked 'What's wrong?' but I never know the answer and some people don't believe I Don't Know. I wish I could explain to them that I just don't know, I really don't. If I did I would try to fix it. I'd try to smile, try to be happy, be human - something.
I am scared of the dark. Not just scared, terrified. I take Ambien or something equivalent just to try and fall asleep without having horrible panic attacks. I'm 26 years old and I still believe that monsters are under my bed, that someone will grab my ankles when I put my feet down. I know they aren't real but they feel real. I can't be in the dark, not alone anyway and never the complete dark. Just thinking about it I can feel my chest getting tight and I'm breathing faster. I have nightmares, the ones that look like bad horror movies. Something I can never watch, ever. If I even see a horror movie commercial I'm sleepless and on edge for days. My mind is the most active when I want to go to sleep.
I hallucinate. Mainly at night but I see things, and it makes me feel crazy. Usually it's the small glimpses that make your heart jump, but there have been things - people. Two girls. They aren't real, but they certainly seem it to me. I won't go into great detail about them now, eventually but not now. It's been a few months since I've seen either but I know they aren't gone, I don't even know how they got in my head in the first place. I wish I had a mind eraser.
I can't take a shower without a person I feel safe with being in the room talking through the curtain with me - so I know I'm not alone. I can't walk down the staircase slowly and calm because it's darkened or because I feel someone is behind me or there's something I can't see. I can't be in my house alone, but I can't stand when people I'm not comfortable with are in it...and there aren't many. I don't like being around people, it makes me uncomfortable. People make me edgy. I don't drive, I'm too scared and I hate being in the car/bus where I can see the driving because I feel out of control. I always imagine the worst possible outcomes(in everything in life not just driving.) I don't like crowds, I get nervous and quiet. I can't make phone calls to people I'm not comfortable with...and that's only leaving me two people I can call. I can't even order some take-out food. I don't like leaving my house alone. I can, and I have but it's difficult. I'll find excuses, and I've skipped plenty of doctor's appointments because I didn't have someone to go with. The funny thing is I love being outside on a nice day, but I can't do it alone. I always just thought I was being silly, and lazy. I can't be outside at night alone, obviously that's a panic attack waiting to happen. The basement scares me - it's dark. I don't know if there is more to that list...I'm sure there is but my brain feels so scattered and my chest is starting to hurt.
Everyday I do the same thing, because it's safe. I spend hours upon hours sitting on my computer. I use social networking and make on-line friends because I have exactly one that I get to see from time to time. I have a virtual life because I'm too scared of all the things that await my real one and that makes me feel pathetic. I have a mixed support system, my mother wants to try and understand (sometimes) but at the same time I know for a fact I've let her down. I can't remember if she's used those words directly but she's pretty good for not thinking before speaking or being insensitive...my grandmother is the same way with her. I hope I'm never like that. My s/o wants to be there for me too but he doesn't understand at all and he's jaded toward any mental illness because he had an unfortunate personal experience with his family way before I came along. He thinks it's all a joke, and he's scared what's happened in the past is happening all over again I think. So my support is me mainly. I have a friend and some of my online ones but I'm not sure anyone gets it...knows what it's like or can attempt to try and relate properly. It's not their fault though.
I just feel lost and alone, I've felt that way for as long as I can remember. I don't believe in getting better and I know I should. I just want to get by at this point. I have two little girls that need a mommy.
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