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1magicman"Before i found MDJ i was in the deepest darkest part of my life after my abduction. I wanted to feel safe. I wanted that sense of being a normal person.Finding MDJ and the people with in it has steered me down the correct path into the light of hope. The feeling of hope that i was not alone,the feeling of hope of understanding,and the feeling of hope to move on. I never give up hope." (1magicman)

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xIrelandx
Fae
Dear Fae,

Some days I really hate my life.

Erin


November 1, 2011

Nov 01 2011

Dear Fae,

 I know this probably isn't the best idea ever, but maybe it'll help me, so just bear with me here, okay? I wrote down a list of the way I see myself, all the things I hate about how I look and who I am:

 Fat

Thick arms

Broad shoulders

Acne

Huge calves

Wart on right hand

Round face

Flat

No ass

Prominent abdomen

Natural burnette (oh, there's nothing wrong with brown hair, but I've always wanted to be a redhead and hence dye my hair)

Puffy cheeks

Look like I'm 12 (I'm 19, this is getting a little old!)

Thunder thighs

Two chins

Barely any neck

Ugly smile

Stupid laugh

Heavy footfalls

I used to be able to sing, to draw, to write, to play guitar, to play piano - but I'm not sure that I have these talents anymore. 

I also think I'm a failure as:

a leader

a student

an artist

an English major

a German speaker

a French speaker

a friend

a club member

a family member.

 

And now that I'm done whining, maybe I'll feel better. I'm sorry for being obnoxious - it's yet another thing I can't stand about myself.

 

Erin



Previous diary posts by xIrelandx:
Comments (5)Add Comment
written by janicepv, November 01, 2011
It's okay Erin. We all have lists like these. Im sure mine is just as long!
written by xIrelandx, November 01, 2011
Okay, you know, I wasn't sure if anyone else had a literal list like that XD
written by DorisAnn, November 02, 2011
Hey--My dear friend....

I would suggest that you challenge of these thoughts in your head, I am guessing most of them are not true smilies/smiley.gif If some of true, remember you can always fix what u want to fix. smilies/smiley.gif You have always taking the steps in the healing process, you are aware of the thinking u r thinking. Check out some of my posts, in the self-esteem section...Its about positive self-talk.

Just a suggestion.

Big hugs to u.

Dee
written by Fatherof, November 03, 2011
You know when you have a life when none of that matters. My son is hansom as hell and fit as a fiddle. He runs a mile or two every other day or swims in the lake in our backyard. He kayaks, bikes and we have sailed together. He has blond curls and blue eyes, a perfect face and body but he is autistic. Last Saturday he tried to kill himself by throwing himself off our balcony. I brought him home to day and he was very lucky. Back on the pills again because he is lonely and or sexually abused by his room mate in a care home. I used to think he was so hansom, not like other people but now I know it just makes him more vulnerable and puts a big target on his back. My point is, is that a person can be everything perfect but if his mind is gone what good it it to comb the hair? The hardest thing we do as humans is see other people's problems as our own. Once there, we don't have any. Did I mention what a huge heart he has. My wife and me adore him but what he wants is.... He's never had any woman besides his mother care about him. Nut even an ugly one. You can dress him up but you can't take him out. I would trade all he has in body for a mind even if he was in a wheel chair. I think this is late and not so inspiring. The lesson is: There is always worse and it ain't over yet. I wish you lock. I think you are impressive. Liked your post.
written by xIrelandx, November 03, 2011
thanks for the suggestions & help guys smilies/cheesy.gif always appreciated

Fatherof - I'm very sorry about what is happening to your son, that is simply awful. I hope they change his roommate.

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