Diary Entries for Loyalty

Back Again

Loyalty

I think its time to start writing again! Been a long time away from this site because I did not like the way the Bipolar Spouse people talked about their Spouses. However this is a place to vent so what can we expect.

Since the last time I have written there is been many changes in my life but one thing has stayed fairly consistent. Mywifes (BuzzingMind) mental and now physical health. We live in Canada so we have what they call free [...]

My wifes CBT counselor!

Loyalty

The other day I went with my wife at my request to sit in during my wife's CBT session. I was quite frustrated with my wife saying that her counselor agrees with her about the thingswe are doing to cause her stress. Saying that she agrees that I am too involved with my ex wife and the kids and myself use my wife's BP as a scapegoat and blame her for all family dysfunctions.

I was relieved during the session and also surprised at how [...]

TO be loved and to be hated!

Loyalty

Mood disorder is very frustrating! I don't think I will ever get used to being blamed by my wife for her irrational behavior, anger, frustration sorrow etc.... You see the mood sets in andI can see it coming but no matter what I do I cannot brace myself for the words my wife will use against me. I love her to pieces and my whole life revolves around her but sometimes it appears she does not feel the same. In return and to show her gratitude to me for being such a supportive husband [...]

BP denial

Loyalty

Ok this post is going to be brief because I want to keep this journal interesting.

Ok BP denial and my wife! For the most part we both live our lives always with the realization that she has a mental illness. This is tough for her because she works very hard to be perfect, unfortunately sometimes the BP creeps in and disrupts her ability to preform at the levels that make her happy. For example as she lays here in bed beside me she can understand that today she [...]

The Begining

Loyalty

Before my wife was officially diagnosed with mood disorder there was a very odd and difficult transition period. At first we were having a great time as she was very happy and energetic. But slowly abnormal behaviors and irrational thinking would set it which made it very difficult to get a read off her. Bursts of anger, paranoia, jealousy, anxiety insomnia etc.... At first I thought maybe I was causing the issues but as time went on it was very apparent that Bu [...]

Back Again

Loyalty

I was thinking about starting my diary back up again. lost interest last time because I find too many people are just too negitive about their spouses in regards to dealing with their Bi Polar. Also this diary system kinda bites as it does not allow people to subscribe to certain diaries. Back in the day I had a gaming blog that would get over 1000 hits a day. This one 30! Kinda ego smashing! Some people write to get there feelings out but I write because I like reaching out to people! [...]

they got her

Loyalty

My wife is gone, they locked her up because she went off the deep end. She went off the deep end because her meds are disturbingly out of whack. So I have lost her and have been replaced with this littlegirl who wants to end it. Poor little thing doesnt stand a chance with those people. they hover above her and act as if the are gods and have been granted all the knowledge. I wish these cocksuckers would lower there arogance levels enough so they could feel the damange they do. My wife was a Fir [...]

Got stress!

Loyalty

Last few weeks with Buzzingmind has kinda blown my mind. In case you guys haven't realized yet, Buzzingmind is my beautiful wife and she posts on these forums and has a diary too!

Last few days have been horrific to saythe least. I never thought I would ever have to shove my fingers down the girl of my dreams throat to stop her from swallowing pills. I understand though, to those who want to pride themselves in thinking that no one understands what its like to be B [...]

Pdoc visit!

Loyalty

Went to the P doc with my wife again. I had to ask him a question that my wife and I debated for quite some time about.

The debate was should I go to every visit?

I was saying I shouldn't and here is why.

I feel my wife dealing with her bi polar may be really convincing herself that she needs to second guess herself about everything. Like her dependence is start disappear and she is starting to become a person that can't stand on her own. I do not want this, I [...]

Diet!

Loyalty

Well this will be the pot calling the kettle black here. I dislike my wife's eating habits immensely. This is something that I know she tries very hard for me and I hate pushing her as itmakes me feel demanding.

But fact is for anyone to feel good they need to follow a decent eating pattern! Now if you have a mood disorder this goes double for you. I am not sure why Medical Doctors don`t focus on this topic more. If your Body is lacking Nutrients and is dehydrated it wi [...]

What to do!

Loyalty

Well its been a tough couple of weeks for my wife, in fact I believe she took a trip to hell and back. People are often absorbed in what they have to deal with in there daily life whenthey are involved with people that have health issues so sometimes they don't stop and realize what their partners are going through. Well I see it first hand everyday and yes it does bother me. Its very painful to watch a loved one constantly being tormented by crazy little games their brain wi [...]

Together Again!

Loyalty

Week end was fairly good as I love the cottage and cottage life however I would have preferred if my wife was there to hang out with me. However I did have my oldest, her best friend and my nephew to keep me company. And they are clingy and love hanging out with me. First day there I let the girls hang out and I took my nephew to the gym up there and gave him a rude awaking on how men lift weights! I had a blast with him and really enjoyed his desire to train hard.

My wife [...]

Back in the woods!

Loyalty

Humm didnt last long, although problems arising are not to be blamed by my wife although our situations are causing her alot of grief. Sometimes I feel like no one gives a fuck about anything but themselves.

Structure, we all need structure in our lives. And it requires discipline and sacrifice to have structure. And no one wants to apply a fucking ounce of effort to help make things easier.

I need a new plan....... my plan has failed and my goals have not been accomplished. No [...]

out of the woods now!

Loyalty

Finally after a rough week my wife is in awesome spirits again. I am so happy and glad that things are going good again!

Fucking headcases at emerge almost drove her off the deepend. They pretty much talked her futher into depression and wanted to admit her. I wouldn't let my dog stay with those people. She is fine now, all they needed to do was give her a hug and some meds and tell her everything would be ok. Fuck we were at the hospital for 7 hours and they must have [...]

can't sleep!

Loyalty

All stressed out and can't sleep. March break and kids were loud which put me in a bad mood as I feel the kids can be so disrespectful.

But then reality set in, tomorrow I go to the dentistfor a filling. I HATE the dentist. well not the procedure or the dentist personally. I just get so panicy when people are in my space. Im not claustrophobic but I get very anxious when the dentist and his assistant are leaning over my face and when Im made to sit still for too long. (sitting stil [...]

Sunday not so good!

Loyalty

Well Im glad its Monday! Yesterday I was a bitch most of the day and my wife was super sensitive. No help to me either, I snapped at her a few times which really hurts her feelings. I wish I didn't and I said sorry but it was to late. I put her into a mood were she felt that she was ruining everyones day because she was gloomy. This makes her feel she needs to crawl under a rock and hide until her mood passes. I don't like that especially when I contribute to the mood. I think by the [...]

all is good!

Loyalty

Well my wifes new meds seem to be working fairly well. Like by far its no miracle drug but it is allowing her to get the rest she needs. However it is still draining her which really bothers me. Onlybecause I know that she feels trapped by these meds. She takes them and she doesn't have BP sides but she has to pay for that by having the life sucked out of her. We go back in 2 weeks hopefully her Pdoc can do some modifications for her.

In the meantime we have come [...]

I got problems too!

Loyalty

Yes my wife has a mood disorder but just so you guys all know that she isnt the only one with problems!

It has occurred to me that I have some issues too. For one Idont know what you would call this disorder but I have a very unusual attachment to my car. Like I have been obsessing over this for a long time and all of a sudden it is really bothering me. Here is the kicker, my car is a piece of shit. Its a 1998 honda civic with 400,000kms o [...]

Day 2 Seroquil

Loyalty

Well Friday my wife and I went to a new Pdoc! I love the guy, he is old, asian and seems very wise with a very funny personality. We all laughed a lot and he even made playful fun of us!

I like what he had to say, and he wasn't in a rush either which was nice. The outcome was to try Seroquil and keep up with CBT and see him in 2 weeks. My wife has taken it for 2 days and really is not doing well so far, I am hopeful the sides will wear off but so far it has just knocke [...]

Tough times!

Loyalty

Been having a hard time lately, Yesterday was a bad day for me as I was not as tolerant as I usually am. When I snap back or try to enforce that my wife is thinking irrationally it can backfire. You see for my wife you need to do it with enough force that she gets it (or as much as she can) but not to much force that I hurt her feelings and cause her to want to disappear in a cloud of sadness which causes her to hate herself.

Hopefully tonight will be a better night, well it shou [...]