TGIF? TBNH! (Too Bad None Here!!!!)

Totally spent. Physically, emotionally... just spent.

I had to be in the office today (I only have to be in 1 or 2 times a week). ; After a sleepless night, I finally crashed about 5am and was back up and at the office by 9am. Then it gets tough!

Problems, conflicts, non-stop STUFF today. I got a TON of things accomplished. Unfortunately, none of them were on my to-do list.

Now I'm home with the kids (wife is out for the evening). I feel like I'm just having to ignore things that are on my mind because if I don't I'm going to just cry and scream.

So I sit here and WHINE to the world because that is what it's going to take right now and I'm not even mentioning 1/2 the SHIT that has taken away some piece of my sanity and lifespan today. Bits that, once taken, are never returned to their rightful owner.

I have TOTALLY fucked myself with choices that have gotten me here. Irreversible decisions. Bells that cannot be un-rung. Choices I was ill-prepared to make. 90% of my life was set and matched before I ever had a clue I was Bipolar or alcoholic.

I'm told that sometimes in life, you just have to eat this elephant one bite at a time. I've noticed that even that single, sour bite is more than I can bear some days.

 

It won't let up when you can't let go

Endless emotions in motion 

I'm suddenly in a shit mood this evening and I have no idea why.  (grrr)

"Filtered"

 

Binge of emotions you cannot control

Choke on the feelings you do not know

Those around you feel so sublime

They cannot feel your fractured mind

Ignore the horror, control your fear

We can tell you what you see and hear

Which one of me must I be today?

Just take the drugs, don't make them pay

Scorched within yourself and without

Forced through life in constant doubt

Hungry without appetite

Tired and standing awake

Lonely without embrace

Overworked and found wrestles

Happy without laughter

Sad without tears

Wanting and cannot take

Sick without cure

 

Nobody can see what is broken in this diseased mind,

but only react to the visible ways that draw them in and away.

Pretty good start to the week.  My mood has been better lately, even through some very tough spots over the past few days.  (I even changed my angry guy pic!)

I was on a leadership call tonight when I heard something that just floored me: "There are ALWAYS going to be bugs on the windshield, but what are you going to do.... focus in on the bugs or focus on the road."  Wow!  What a great way to put it.  That's been me that past couple days, big bug-splat, but I've just stayed focused and kept moving things on down the road.

 I hope I can finish out the week with this same attitude. 

Today marks my first month of journaling (in a real, paper journal I carry with me.)  Looking back at the past four weeks, it's been a bit of a surprising journey.  Here's whatI've learned:

• There are 13 journal entries for the month.  That's a little less than one every other day.
• There is a list with another 12 journal topics not yet written.  If I'm not in a place where I can stop and write when the thought/event occurs, I simply make a quick note of it on this list.
• I'm somewhat doubtful that these backlog items will ever get written out.  This is because I tend to today's new entries first, then work on the backlog as time permits.  Hasn't happened yet.  Not once! 
• There was a two week period where I didn't journal at all.  I was having a VERY hard time (bipolar) and just unplugged from everything, journaling included.
• The journal itself proved to be important and I actually switched journals mid-stream.  The first one I tried was a nice looking journal, but was difficult to write in (too thick, no lined pages).  I found myself concentrating more on getting things physically on paper and less on the content.  So I bought a more suitable journal and viola!  Re-copying several entries was a pain, but now I am more prone to just sit and journal because it's physically easier to do.
• Web sites didn't help much.  When I started, I bookmarked some sites about journaling.  I looked over a couple the first day, but haven't visited any of them since.  I guess there's no magic to it: think, write, repeat.  Maybe as I get more experience with this, these sites will be more helpful.
• Secrets.  There were a few topics I shied away from because they involve subjects that could be hurtful to others if they were ever "made public."  I'm very conscious of the fact that the only thing keeping prying eyes out is the ability to read my chicken scratch, which on a good day, isn't that hard!
• Writing things out has, several times, brought to light things that I think I would have otherwise missed.  It's almost forces a bit of objectivity when you are thinking things through a second time as you write them down.  Very refreshing!

WHAT A WEEK

Goodness.  It's been constant up and down this week.  Monday was a bit euphoric.  I spent some time over the weekend getting organized and ready for the week ahead, which really paid off.  Then yesterday things were great up until late afternoon, when I felt horribly stressed and angry.  Today so far has been just peachy!  I have felt completely balanced and on top of my game today.

These emotional hills and valleys are just crushing me.  Even on the up-swing, positive times I'm both exhausted and worried about what's coming next.  My body aches too, but I don't know why.

Things aren't all bad, though.  I'm learning more about this disease everyday, my spouse is loving me and trying (although misguided sometimes) to support me.  I'm seeing slow progress on projects and goals, which is more than I can say for the past month.   

One day at time.  One hour at a time?  My oh my, whatever it takes, I guess. 

Blew up pretty badly last Monday.  In a fit of rage, I threw my iPhone down onto the floor as hard as I could, shattering the glass across the front.  

The next logical step is to justgo buy another one.  But I'm hesitant, because I don't want to buy two other ones.  Two?  Yes, Two.  Apple is set to release a newer, updated version of the iPhone sometime within the next couple months.  I know myself well enough that, if I buy another one now, I'll just end up buying another other one when the new model comes out.

 Amazingly, the shattered one still works.  It's very hard to read web pages and such on, but it makes calls.  I put a protective cover over the front to hold the glass bits in place and I think as long as those hold steady that I can keep pluggin' along until the new models come out.

I haven't lost my temper like that in months and months, now it seems I'll be dealing with one blow-out for weeks to come, even if only in little ways.  I stopped taking meds because I don't like the way they make me feel.  I'm not liking the way this feels much either.  Funny that. 

I'm feeling better today .  I fell asleep about 5:30 this morning and slept for 7 hours!  I haven't slept 10 hours combined since about Tuesday.  So this was good.

<p>I got out of the house for the first time since Thursday.  I worked in the yard, went out for a sandwich and now I'm at the coffee shop trying to get a handle on everything that has stacked up this week.  (Man, I'm in the soup here!)

 

 Read through two chapters of The Bipolar Handbook over that sandwich earlier and I think this book will really help me.  I can readily identify with most of what I read and the book has some very practical advice.  Good thing I just bought a fresh set of highlighters!  The book also touched on some struggles I've had in the past but didn't know they were related to Bipolar Disorder.  I'll have to re-visit these another day though, I'm just trying to get a workable plan together for the days ahead. 

 Anyway, I'm going to try and just get things organized this evening because they are a mess.  Got to take various notebooks and software and list keepers that I have haphazardly tossed things into and try to get it all distilled into a single planner.  Then I can start fresh tomorrow with a clear vision what I need this week to be and what I can to do to make it happen.

 I have to be in the office most next week and then will be working at home again thereafter.  Not sure if that is going to help matters or not.   

  

Somebody asked me why I don't have a ribbon.  Well, I didn't see one that says "I wear this ribbon because I have TOTALLY FUCKED myself."

Cheesy song title, not-so-shallow underpinnings of a bad morning.

I feel horrible today and as the clouds come rolling in over Austin with the promise of rain, I feel like it will be better. &nbsp;My surroundings will soon be more aligned with my mood.  Somehow this this brings a touch of harmony to a bad hour.

I have voice mails stacked up; friends, customers, associates, family.  I don't want to talk to any of them.  I feel completely alone and I don't want to go through the disappointment of connecting with people and still feeling completely alone, which is the usual chorus.

My mind is racing this afternoon.  I have project work staring me down, reading, journaling and ideas floating around in an already crowded mind-space that I ought to write down before they disintegrate.  Many important things that I just can't seem to make myself pick up.   

So I sit, drink coffee while whining about myself on a web post and yes, waiting for the rain.

Inspired by GeekGirls' diary entry about a song that "says it all" for her. When I read this I immediately thought about a couple songs that "say it all" for me, too.  Here is the first:

 "Lithium"  by Evanescence 

Lithium, don't want to lock me up inside.
Lithium, don't want to forget how it feels without...
Lithium, I want to stay in love with my sorrow.
Oh, but God, I want to let it go.

Come to bed, don't make me sleep alone.
Couldn't hide the emptiness, you let it show.
Never wanted it to be so cold.
Just didn't drink enough to say you love me.

I can't hold on to me,
Wonder what's wrong with me.

Lithium, don't want to lock me up inside.
Lithium, don't want to forget how it feels without...
Lithium, I want to stay in love with my sorrow.

Don't want to let it lay me down this time.
Drown my will to fly.
Here in the darkness I know myself.
Can't break free until I let it go.
Let me go.

Darling, I forgive you after all.
Anything is better than to be alone.
And in the end I guess I had to fall.
Always find my place among the ashes.

I can't hold on to me,
Wonder what's wrong with me.

Lithium, don't want to lock me up inside.
Lithium, don't want to forget how it feels without...
Lithium, ...stay in love with my sorrow.

I'm gonna let it go. 

 

Inspired by GeekGirls' diary entry about a song that "says it all" for her. When I read this I immediately thought about a couple songs that "say it all" for me, too.  Hereis the first:

"Frayed Ends of Sanity" by Metallica

Never Hunger
Never Prosper
I Have Fallen Prey to Failure
Struggle Within
Triggered Again
Now the Candle Burns at Both Ends

Twisting under Schizophrenia
Falling Deep into Dementia

Old Habits Reappear
Fighting the Fear of Fear
Growing Conspiracy
Everyone's after Me
Frayed Ends of Sanity
Hear Them Calling
Hear Them Calling Me

Birth of Terror
Death of Much More
I'm the Slave of Fear, my Captor
Never Warnings
Spreading its Wings
As I Wait for the Horror She Brings

Loss of Interest, question, wonder
Waves of Fear They Pull Me under

Into Ruin
I Am Sinking
Hostage of this Nameless Feeling
Hell Is Set Free
Flooded I'll Be
Feel the Undertow Inside Me

Height, hell, time, haste, terror, tension
Life, death, want, waste, mass Depression

When the hate within boils with rage, they tell me to calm down.

 

 

When the hate within boils in midst of the calm, I have to tell myself to get help.

 

 

 

undertoe 

Those little warning lights on the dashboard of your car.  "Change Oil", "Engine Problem", "High Temp."  Growing up in small town Kentucky, you learn that theseare called "dummy lights," as in "Change your oil, dummy!"

 What I've found the most difficult in being Alcoholic and Bipolar ("a crazy drunk" for those in Kentucky) is the lack of dummy lights in life.  I do insane, crazy shit because it just doesn't feel like insane, crazy shit.  I don't have a little buzzer to say "You're crossing a line, dummy!"

So to those that would look at me after I've smashed my new iPhone to bits or who would look at the Ted Bundys of this world and think "How could he DO THAT?!!!"

Well. We're insane, something is off balance or run low or too hot.  And we just don't have anything inside to let us know about it.  I'm just fucking thankful the victims of my shit have never been humans.  (Because that would be, well, crazy!)