Earning my Irish angel wings back

you saw that right. My ex, nine years on/off? the relationship that started when I was fifteen and only truly for good ended right after the Sandy Blackout? he's MARRIED only FIVE months after we broke up for good. Him married. Me devestated beyond words....

The past five days have been horrible. Absolutely horrible. Sandy knocked our power out at 6:50 Monday night and we didn't get it  back until 2:50 yesterday afternoon. And anybody who knows meknows I have a PHOBIC fear of the dark. I see things in the dark nobody else can, and it terrifies me. I dealt with it during the hurricane Monday night ok, I dealt with it Tuesday night worse....(di...

There ARE f**king creepers out there. Today I was online and someone randomly ims me. Thought the screename looked a tiny bit familiar, but the person asked "who are you?" and then when it wasobvious that it was accidental, he said "maybe it's fate" and started to ask me about myself. I got a bad feeling, so I said (even though my guy and I decided no labels, but i needed t...

I've tried drawing, i've tried talking this out with various people on MDJ (thanks by the way, you all know who you are :)  ) but nothing is seeming to help these feelings go away. So, Brian's wedding was Friday in PA, so my mom and dad left on Thursday early in the morning, and returned yesterday at four in the afternoon. I knew i'd have anxiety issues being on my own......(w...

Pinky: "what are we going to do tonight Brain?"

Brain: "take over the world, that's what Pinky!"

...

I relapsed with my SI tonight. (i'm fine psyhically, any side effects would have popped up HOURS before now) but i'm not fine emotionally........can't believe everything with ex brought meto that point. My mistake tonight was hanging up so soon from the Agor confrence call....it was literally three minutes after I hung up that I crashlanded with my emotions and relapsed. If I had staye...

This is about my sister, first of all for all you paranoid minds :P Brian's wedding is coming up (read my past diary entries on him or pm me if you want to know more) and I KNEW, I KNEW that when we got the invitation, that when the wedding got closer (it's in September) i'd get s**t from my family for not wanting to go/not going. But it's just my sister. She thinks I should "...

Yesterday I broke up for good with my eight year on/off boyfriend.......and it's so weird, because everything was finally working. In a strange way I think that helped me finally walk away. I knewfor SO long that it could work, that I think when it finally started to work it was some sort of weird closure. Even though it was my choice, and it was time (I still believe that) i'm devestated...

I'm hot, i'm cranky.......and i'm sick of being so nice. I'm sick of being the bigger person when people disrespect me or hurt me. I'm sick of always being the one to "let it go" or to "understand". People say i'm quick to anger, but what they don't realize is how much I actually hold back. I know the anger that's in me.....I fight against it bec...

I get angry easily when I get misunderstood even though we are all human and make mistakes. And I think the reason why I get angry when I get misunderstood, or worse........sad is that I do have learningdisablities, I WAS special ed, and my family still treats me like I can't do a lot of things.  And the Agor, the panic, they don't help on that aspect........sometimes my dad or my sis...

Why have you hated me for the past 24 hours? I've slammed my shoulder into a wall, cut my leg pretty well on something rusty in my basement, and it's hotter than balls outside. I apologize forwhat i've done to make you hate me, please be nicer tommrrow?...

At least for the next few weeks......don't believe me when I say i'm ok. Make me talk......i'm avoiding, i'm withdrawing, and anybody who really knows me knows that when I do that......i'm not ok. So please, if your really my friends......don't believe me when I say i'm ok for the next few weeks....

And I gotta get a grip fast......camp (my summer job) starts in about a month probably, and i'm so down right now. I'm sad, i'm anxious, i'm......just not ok. And i've been tellingeverybody i'm ok because I don't know how they can help.......and honestly I (and I know this isn't fair) wanted somebody to see through it probably........I've been thinking about dus...

Man i've learned a lot, and made a lot of choices about my life. I'm reevaluating everything.....who and what I want to be (but always keeping the sparkle :) ) The people I want around me, andwhat I want my future to be. And for the first time in my life, the word "future" doesn't scare me. The word trust is losing it's fear too. Sure I still have PTSD, anxiety, Agor tend...

If you  look into my eyes could you tell me my pain?

 Tell me my secrets, how my mind is a chaotic mess

 Tell me you'll be there for me, that my demons are slain

Tell me that everythings ok, all my fears can be put to rest  

 Tell me

 That you've found the perfect partner

 Tell me

 That i'm every...

It's finally time for me to go give blood again! Let's just hope this time i'm calmer? (two months ago it took them taking my pulse four times, then three nurses, two heat packs and thirtyminutes for them to find a vein) Then I actually got told to stop giggling.....i'm so not a grown adult yet :P Adult, yes. grown adult? hell no. So leave some love and encouragment please? (calmin...

I think i've been freaking out so much this year because I legit lost my safety net......as much as it was time for me and him to be over for good, as much as he did change and not for the better.....I don't think that anybody knows or realizes the impact of losing someone, something you believed so hard in for so long, and that started when you were so young. It's a devestating blow,...

For those of you that may not remember, Brian was my sister Shannon (passed away seven years ago) ex boyfriend. He was also the one that made many drunken phone calls to me about her, called me his rock, and all like that. He's also the one that cut me and my other sister off, only to become happy with another chick...the one I vowed to punch in the face if I ever saw him again? Well, last nig...

let me explain this better.....yesterday I was in the initial brainstorming phase, don't think I made much sense. Project Candlelight for Hope is for survivors of sexual crimes EVERYWHERE, men andwomen. It was just INSPIRED by the news stories from NY about all the rapes over the past few months. So please check it out, the link is right here : http://www.facebook.com/#!/groups/130107357094025...

Went to three places so far, (had to go back to one, and still have to go back to one) dropped off two resumes, and I have to go back walking and on the bus *cringe* solo *double cringe* to go back toone place, because the director wasn't there. Who would have known getting a job at a daycare would be so complicated?...

No this is not a song, and yes this will have a CRAPLOAD  of curses in it, so if that bothers you, please click out of this diary entry right now. You have been warned.

 

Whatthe fuck do I actually do to people? i'm so fucking sick and tired of situations where (and i'm not playing innocent, if I fuck up maybe i'm not even aware of it.....whatever) I have no pr...

We, the huddled masses of MDJ appreciate all the work you two do, and how busy you are. That being said, please quickly fix the 404 error messages, because masses of mentally and physically challengedpeople going nuts might actually end the world. Thanks from the huddled masses of MDJ....

I know your not used to speaking 

But I hear you

I know your used to not being heard

But I care

When the real you peeks through

You know i'll be there  

 Chorus:I'll have my hand out

I'll help you through

I know you don't trust easy

But i'm here for you  

I know your used to no one cari...

You poor child 

Hidden in fear

Pain is all you know

So you went wild

But Now....  

I'm here your not alone

No need to fear

I'll standstrong  

Your an adult now

Time to stand up

You can cry out

It's your time to shine  

Chorus   I know it's not fair

The world doesn&...

 loved you since I was thirteen

You were always my safety net

Hard to know we weren't meant to be

But it was fate that we meant      

Goodbye to the love

Goodbye to the fairytale

Goodbye to the man I knew

 You know I wish you well  

Such a big part of my past

But not meant to be my future

Bot...

HOW ANNOYING CAN ONE PERSON BE? WHEN SOMEONE SAYS THAT THE PERSON YOU WANT TO REACH IS UNAVALIABLE, YOU LET IT GO TILL TOMMRROW! YOU DON'T CALL BACK FIVE MORE TIMES IN AS MANY HOURS! AND WHEN SOMEONEASKS FOR YOUR BUSINESS NUMBER AND THE NAME OF YOUR SUPERVISOR, YOUR DUMBASS BETTER GIVE IT! YOU CALL MY HOUSE ANYMORE IT'LL BE HARRASSMENT AND I'LL SIC THE COPS ON YOUR DUMBASS! STOP CAL...

I like who I am in this moment. I love who I am now.....I don't want to change. I just wanted to say that first, so hopefully what i'm about to say won't be misunderstood. Back on the helpingteens group, when I was a mixed up adolescent, I was angry, I was mean with my lashing out, i'm not proud of this, but I was a bit of a bully. but it seems that.....even if it was out of fear (...

seriously, things were going along fine on MDJ until it seems about four months ago.........then it seems like everything went like BOOM, and I don't think we've righted ourselves yet. We needto have some fun and relax, people! I challenge myself and every one of my friends, or everybody that reads this to do THREE relaxing things this week, and to think about what you say before you sa...

They said that they can't stand the rain

But what about predjuice, ignorance, pain?

What about picking yourself up then getting knocked down again?

Sooner or later, this cyclesgotta end someday

   chorus:

I cant take this neverending merry go round

 Words have hidden meanings, silence has a sound

Get ignored or yelled at, eiether...

So, I go onto facebook yesterday and I see you in your display pic with a new woman, and you are going around saying how in love you are with her. Mind you, you only friend requested me again THIS WEEKafter turning your back on me after I told you that I don't want you to call me if your drunk. You turned your back on ALL OF US, shannon's FAMILY.  I'm so much better than something...

I'm doing a massive purge of my groups and my friends. If I haven't talked to you in awhile, if we've ever had a problem, or if I don't feel comfortable at the moment with you, you areremoved. It's not nesseciarily personal, it's just events over these past two months, hell, over this past week have made me want to not put myself out there. Yes ladies and gentelmen, due to...

If one person is really SUPPOSED to survive all I and most of my MDJ friends have. I mean....ok, here's a rundown of my past......Emotionally/mentally/physically abused by my parents and sisters......teased in school all my life.....CPS came when I was real young, but my sister lied to them so they went away....sexually assaulted by a neighborhood guy when I was fourteen, that year I even c...

I realize that I can depersonalize VERY easily when my stress level gets to the ultra level......and that's not good. I can get stuck in those depersonalization episodes for MONTHS at a time, and i'm just....angry in those episodes.  so I know i have to watch my stress level, and keep it in check so it doesn't get to the ultra level.....but i'll need your help with that too. I...

Never first choice
Not the sparkle in your life
Just once i'd like to be
The apple of someone's eye  

Chorus: Want to be top priority
The one one can't livewithout
So sick of being second best
Tired of people messing about  

Want to feel like i'm special
Don't think that's too much to ask
Think i've earn...

I haven't wanted to write a diary entry like this, because I know a lot of my friends have PTSD, and people with PTSD tend to be a little paranoid. So I do apologize to those people.....but thisis something I have to say.

 

Yes i'm young

Yes i'm smart

Yes I know who I am

Yes I know what i'm talking about most of the time

If you have an is...

I really do. Tonight I had a PTSD symptom and AM having a subsequent panic attack.....Like i legit thought there was someone in my house. And i'm home alone, and I saw something out of the corner of my eye when I was in the bathroom.....I investigated all throughout the house, and the only thing I saw was my cat. PTSD makes me feel INSANE at times I swear. And it's scary, and......having a...

Show yourself what you can be

Prove yourself to only you

Nobody else matters

And you can always reach out to me  

You Sparkle

You shine

This world is yours

This world is mine  

Take my hand

I swear your safe

I'll take the lead

And take you out of this hurtful land  

 You sparkle

You...

You used to be my love

We used to have a bond

Then you made me cry

Never thought it was you i'd hide from

chorus: Tired of used to be's

               Love never sticks

              Want to find for me

 &nb...

Everybody says there's beauty in the breakdown

Have to move on but you don't know how

Have to stay strong when your worlds crashing

Voices from the past constantly mashing

Chorus: Have to free your head

               Going into a tailspin

       &...

Panic attacks, bad convorsations, people misrespresenting facts on situations *cough* Now i could be childish, and tell you the truth as I know it to be, but......possibly later. Not an option i'mruling out though. So much a person can take before they start fighting back........

Future......and trust. See, I feel like i'm at the point now where......I have to make choices, ready or not. What i'm gonna be in life, what I want out of life, and how to get it. School, or job, moving or staying....where i'm gonna go and what i'm gonna do there. Trust. Myself....my abilites. Others....life, fate.......I don't exactly know where i'm gonna turn. As much as...

I was painting last night, and I suddenly realized....I talk about sparkling all the time, but I haven't really......gone into detail about why I think it's important. But my painting says it all. I did silver circles all over the paper....then pink sparkly clear paint all over it. We all have dark gray clouds of the past. But, if we don't make the concious choice to make those gray cl...

I swear, i'm about to snap. And no, it's not just one thing, or one situation, it's a whole bunch of them. It's people not answering my pms (mulitple people) it's insane women who come on here and even if they are gone already, still find a way to get into here and make all our lives miserable. It's insensitve rude comments about EVERYTHING. When did the common decency get...

Age is just a number people. What does my age, my "youth" my NUMBER have to do with anything? It has NOTHING to do with how I conduct myself on the groups or as a leader. Do you know what i've gone through, surivied at my age? Do you know what I COULD have been? I'm way more mature than people my age, so stop judging....

STOP TALKING ABOUT ME AND ANGER. Cause you know what? people saying I have an angry heart, an angry soul, an angry whatever....is the stuff that actually MAKES me angry. Do I still have feelings thatI have to sort out? yes. But i'm young, i'm healing, i'm human. LEAVE IT ALONE. I don't need your judgements. Stop it, please?

 

...

You'll never know. You'll never know all I didn't tell you, all I wanted to be able to tell you. Ever since I was eight/nine, you told me that you were my big f**king brother, and told me not to forget it. And I didn't. I wanted to believe in that, count in that so bad.....I wanted to turn to you and tell you when those guys hurt me. I wanted to turn to you and tell you I needed he...

Well, now Peg Leg Polly :P Convinced my dad that if he was going to say I look and sound like a pirate coming down the street with my one crutch, to at least give me a woman's name after "PegLeg" :P Walking with a crutch on my right side to allievate pressure on my ankle is making a world of difference! And, my mom had to adjust my crutch to the 5'7 mark, so I guess I can finally...

Used to be a victim
All I knew was hurt
Always getting kicked on
Felt lower than dirt


Now i'm

Alone no more
Victim no longer
Closed that door
Only getting stronger

My strength was found
I picked myself back up
Stood up tall and proud
Knew you were a punk

And i'm

Alone no more
Victi...

Baby Catch Me

Reaching out for you
Like i'd never thought i'd do
I Never knew how to
Reveal my truth

Baby catch me
i'm falling
Baby catch me
hearme calling
Baby protect me
Or i'll hit the ground
Baby protect me
I Need you around

You ease my fears
I have no need for tears
You've been here for years

Visions

Visions of hurt
Visions of pain
Just wont go away
Impossible to explain

When will these visions leave me be?
All I want to be is healthy
But right now itsplain to see
These visions are a part of me

Visions of tears
Visions of terror
Explain my fears
And why I won't let you, in

When will these visions leave me be?

You

Sitting on my steps crying
You on my mind
Wondering if it's worth trying
Nothing about this is kind

You
thought we had a committment
But you
Second time around weren't different

Should just let you go
By now should know better
Shame you didn't know
Would've been perfect together
...

So Confused
Sitting here just thinking
Feeling completely torn
On my mind it's you i'm missing
Makes me love you even more

So confused
Deeperdown I fall
Scared to make a move
Though your worth risking all

In you I want to completely trust
Lying in your arms I can't pretend
If life gets to be too much

Hope you enjoyed the game
I didn't have any fun
If ever I walk your way
I hope you run

Look at you
Tried to play true
I was a fool
But your the tool

h-u-r-t
look at what you did to me
now it's plain to see
i'm h-u-r-t

Tried to chase
Said I couldn't replace
Was it just a race?
Welcome to last p...

Sour Pill
How Could you?
I'll never be able to see
Weren't you true?
Why aren't you with me?

I love you still
Your my sour pill
Come back please and hurry
Cause your making me ill

I hope you'll have a great life
Even without our love
Through all the joy and strife
I thought I would be enough...

Want to Believe
Man when I hear your words
I want to really trust
No matter how much i've hurt
Of you i'll never have enough

And I want to believe
In what you say to me
Never want to see
That it was fantasy

Didn't want to be at this place
Thought we'd be better
But I know I can't ever replace

Mr. Blackheart
You don't know how much I hurt
But you soon will
Karma's the best teacher on earth
Hope the thought gives you chills

Mr. Blackheart
Hope you can't sleep
Must have lied from the start
Your a little sneak

Thought we had a real thing
Jumped off the roof then bam!
Instead of being caught

Fake Honey
At times you got me melting
Liquid inside when your near
No time for pretending
With love this real

No more fake honey
Your sweetness istrue
Not even funny
How hard I fell for you

Love when i'm in your arms
No one else knows this feeling
I promise no more harm
Time has come for healing

No Cure
Love can be a sickness
Leaves you with butterflies
Gotta be down with it
Or don't even try

And theres no cure
No magic pill
But iflove is pure
You won't get ill

Love can be joy
Leave you feeling warm
But love isn't a toy
And i'm not one to scorn

And theres no cure
No ma...

Fantasy/Reality
Sitting in this room full of memories
things I have known for so long
Opened up my eyes for a new remedy
Before these feelings take control

Is this fantasy, is this reality
Please make it known to me
Is this fantasy, is this reality
How will I ever know?

My big blue eyes, what did they see
Looking beyo...

Create

When you've had enough
And your on your knees
Nothing left to love
No more lies to believe

Close your eyes and create
Your perfectlife
Today is your day
No more time for strife

When you've lost it all
And your shattered
Can't see through the fog
And nothing matters

Close you...

This work i'm doing here on MDJ is tough...admitting my secrets, facing my inner dilemmas and fears....it's tough. Facing yourself is about the hardest thing you have to do in life. But, therecame a time when I was sick of avoiding, sick of being this anger machine, sick of putting up this superwoman front and not being real, because I felt (and still feel to a degree) damaged beyond repai...

Ok, so in my college class my proffessor wants us to write an autobiography. So, I kinda decided to do two....one in my diary here, about all the abuse and stuff, then a seperate one to her...with allthe general "safe" stuff. ...actually, not really up for this tonight..maybe in a few days....

Everybody here talks about you like your some great savior, but truth is? you betrayed me. I was in a school dedicated to you, I was in your Church, I was trying to connect to you so bad...and you letme continue on being hurt. You didn't give me the strength to speak up even when CPS DID come to the house...if your this great savior, why not give me the strength then to end the pain? I know wh...

Ok, i've been tiptoeing around this in my groups, and I think I react better when I just put it all out there, in black and white. That way I know exactly what i'm dealing with in my own mind, if that makes any sense.

Fear 1) that i'm not going to to turn out to be different than my mom. My mom, for years, was the picture of perfection preschool teacher...was like supermom wit...

Today will be hard, i'm not gonna lie. Sitting at the table in your condo with only Pop Aunt Pat and us.......it'll be more obvious who isn't there. But, at the same time, I know your lookingdown. I know your gonna be there making sure Aunt Pat doesn't mess up the turkey......I hope your looking down, and I hope you understand all I couldn't tell you......i'm gonna make you...

I'm up after one am in the morning (never a good thing, think WAY too much this late at night/early in the morning) and all of a sudden, I got really depressed, and an internal debate which i've had before came rushing back.....seems like i've been through so much, grown so strong, but at the same time, feels like no matter where i've turned, i've been victimized in some way......

So I called him back half an hour later for an update, and spent nearly two hours with him on the phone....and he kept on crying about how my sister who passed is still the love of his life, and how hestill loves her with all his heart...and apologizing for not being at the funeral, not being there for us really afterwards eiether. Told me exactly what he did the day my sister died, all like that....

Some ghosts never go away....tonight after 12 at night, I get a phone call from Shannon (my sister who's passed) ex boyfriend...who's been a family friend since....his dad was rushed to the hospitalin respiratory arrest, and he needs me to be his rock tonight.....he just represents so much, especially with all the memories....but his dad's in the hospital, and i've met his dad, he&...

Going to take my college placement test yesterday, it feels like i've come to grips with some ghosts of my past...it was a crazy night. First of all, any night that I have to do math is a not verygood night, math makes me angry. But then when I was writing the essay part, we had to write about someone who's courageous to us, and I picked my high school mentor. She's the one that saw pa...

I don't want to be a 21 year old adult anymore, can I be an eight year old ballerina instead? please?...

Last night, even though my nightmares have stopped (thank God) for now, I decided to try to paint the face in my nightmares, the face of my anxiety. Then after I did the red background, and made the caucasianface shape....I realized that not only one face is the cause of my anxiety. So I couldn't finish the painting....then I got angry, and wrote in nail polish on it "you have all of me,...