Each and everyday will get better....

I am so thankful to have medicade. Yet, everything is getting worse. I just want to die.

I was hospitalized twice  in the past month because of pleurisy. Also found out i have a heart shunt. Still waiting for the doctor to call me back about that. My problems are coming back and i am so frustrated. I have no one to talk to, and i don't want to seem like a "poor me" but i am so fed up. I'm doing everyhing i can to help myself. 

I still can't poop on my own. need laxatives and it's been over two weeks.  I still can't lay on my right side which has caused me rashes all over my left side. I can't walk without standing all the way straight..i have tohunch over so the pain stays calm in my chest and side. when i do lay down i feel like my left side is spazzing..it's just miserable. And now on top of all of that my teeth are falling out. well..more chipping..but they look horrible. i take such good care of my body. i stopped smoking, i brush my teeth twice a day..(but the past two days i can't brush more than once cuz i have blisters all in my mouth), drinking prune juice, trying to eat healty...it's just not working.

I'm afraid that no one is ever going to understand how i feel and that i am so alone in this world. i'm working my ass off just to be able to afford dr's bills yet working so much is making me sick. i seriously just want to get hit by a car. it's so hard for me to want to die this badly...but i can't cause that pain on the ppl i love. so i choose to suffer. yet i stay strong for everyone so i just feel like all this pain is going to get worse and i'm never going to get better.

i have never regretted having lupus, or had a problem with my lupus until now. inever even noticed it to much besides the fatigue, occasional rashes, and swelling. Now it's like my body gives up on me. and honestly...i give up on my body. 

someone please talk to me.