drugs

lately i have gotten to where any tv program drives me up the wall. is it because of the propaganda being send  across the air or wire ways?  why listen to it, sounds like more crap each day.  so i have been putting on headphones and listening to george jones, such a truthful guy. i found out why i could not hear words in songs,  i always thought it was because of being tone de

after being in hospital and having a couple stents put in, it makes me feel coming close to end of my life.  i do not fear it.  i have been close to death to many times i guess and something  kept me going.  from wild teen years to couple years in war to dealing with the adrenalin rush and fix i like so much from risky behavior,   loved the rush i suppose.  well my dr

are humans always needing something to feel better, it could be food,drink,drug, a hug or pat on the back,  a good morning kiss to slow we care enough we are here.  how far different are we from a animal , like the mouse in a maze or a dog in the back yard,  give them food and pat and they are ok.  so humans need a materialistic thing for same feeling, nice shoes or car, cozy b

do we seek pleasure instead of truth ? is pain close to pleasure, do we hide with pleasure to not see the truth?  the pain from the past is it like a pleasure of the present ? physical pain is it worse than mental pain? same with pleasure which is best mental or physical?  if the mind feels good does the body?  is sexual pleasure more intense than love.  is hate stronger than t

i normally feel up and up, but since coming out of hospital for couple stents that were put in, i have been down a lot, right after i got out, it was real bad, the kind of what the heck why go on type of feelings, well i thought i tracked it down to a new drug for high blood pressure, which i do not have, the drug is called metoprolol tartrate 25mg. i looked up web site on it , depression was a si

i have had a lot of brushes with the here after in my life, started as a wild teen to couple years in a war as a marine, then the troubled years of living in a suicidal mental state , not taking my on life but in the wild adventures to get the fix to keep going.  from hard drinking in barroom  brawls or to see if i can make that last jump on trail bikes to the how fast can i make the nex

i just had 2 stents put in. i just had all the tests and nothing showed up. even in emergency room. i am glad a doctor had a 6th sense something was not right. and he had camera put up my arm to heart and they found 2 arteries plugged closed, i was just having ingestion problems and queasiness going through me, they would not listen until told them i was having chest pains, which i was not, just n

well i went trailering, been warm in central texas. 1st place i went to was blanco state park, nice place , anyway i met some young veterans in there trailers,  next thing i am drinking way to much beer,   ended up in a bar by the park, were a lot of veterans were there too,   man there is no way i could hang with them,, maybe in past,   red bull and vodka, or wild tu

i have not written anything in a month. i am hibernating thru the winter i guess, i have found tv is the biggest thing that messes with my mind , the crap that comes out there, mostly the news, so depressing stuff,  so i quit watching tv and have gotten off computer so much, do much news here to, been watching u tube a lot, at least it is not regulated so much as tv and control freaks there.&

i have always wondered how jesus's birthday has turned in such a consumer day.  what is buying a gift for someone remind you so much of trying to remember  christ. something has gone wrong with the system.  it has turned into another stressful time in my life, if we do not get anything we do not feel loved, kind of a backwards reason for the season.  i have been trying just

all the cycling that has been in my mind , going form the past to the present to the future is that what it is, the past is a sort of  a depression , on what i could of and the future on should do, but have misgivings because past has been not so good and my track record is not so good. so i have a anxiety about it, like a roulette wheel , waiting for the ball to hit my magic number so i can

i always thought anxiety was just worrying about the future and depression was about the past. as long as i can stay focused in the present i am ok today, just keep my mind busy where am at the moment, stay out of the holiday stuff, deal with it as it comes to that day, do not change what i can not , and the past is gone, future has not come yet.  good slogan i guess serenity prayer,  so

i wonder what is in store for me the next few days, already getting anxiety from the x day,  cold doing me end, i need to run off to a sunny island somewhere, where i can lay in the sun and take a dip in a saltwater place, or maybe a jungle.   well stuck in house more than usual,  what to do  , brain running overtime, hope i can make it to spring, maybe another book, even

i have not written on my dairy in a while.  i got me a kindle and have been reading again, i wonder if it is just a way not to think about the stress of the season. most of the past beginnings of winter i crash into a depression. so this year i have been doing ok. i have been reading about the untold history of the u s by oliver stone. is it true or not?   i guess no matter where you liv

l have been hearing about lots of peoples  computers crashing lately. mine did to today, it was a 15 month old dell motherboard going bad, looked on line and found 500 people having same problem with that model, warranty just ran out of course.   i think it is getting us addicted to them  andthen they crash,   must be something to this, must be they{ the sellers} want

i have been trying different herbs lately and vitamins, i am not falling into the deep black hole i usually do around this time of year. i decided traditional holidays is a programmed thing.  i amnot going to get anxious or excited about them.  i use to drink on every holiday, because they depressed me. yesterday i felt great, no traditional stuff  to make me feel anxious . no turke

well i am sitting here writing about whatever.   my drive has slowed down to nothing sometimes.  is it winter creeping up or the need to be.  energy level is down, even if sun is shining. hormones down to nothing.  no adrenalin pumping to get me excited. do i need to a cause to be angry, or love to care.  i am spacing more than i use to, i need a creative cause. quit

i think most of these doctors are just guessing. because they really do not know, if it is not visual they are guessing. i get every disease i read about.  but as i realize there is nothing to it, i am cured.  like P N i only have it when i feel it.  medical system is a real money maker living off peoples fears. look at all these visits to doctors, to settle our fears or give us mor

i am feeling better today, maybe it is letting my emotions lose here.  i am such a stuffer.  is it being by myself more? i am not picking others interplay of control, i guess.  i can dowhat i want.  still will not go where i want yet.  i feel i need something different.  met this guy by pool yesterday, who had a car accident and had spine problems, he was on ssi and w

i will be so glad  when the elections will be over. does it matter who wins same old stuff whoever wins, the pres is just a figure head for special interests.  anyway i am visiting my brotherin utah or was, i am in vegas now watching others visiting there favorites greed and make up fun.  at least it is something to see.  i will go back to utah after my brother quits talking ab

i am always trying something different, pills i just like the pain pills, or morphine, even nitro,  vitamins helps with my immunity , herbs balance me, now i am trying herbal tinctures , seems towork better than dry herbs like teas, anyway less pills this way. trying progesterone creams helps with energy level. and dhea, got to be careful with it. b12 shots. helps with side effects from presc

i have been taking gabapentin for couple years now,  it helped at 1st to slow me down and kill the pain, now i am getting kidney stones and dehydration, weight  gain  , bad teeth from drymouth, is it worth it?  i sleep better , relate with society better, but lost my drive to care.  i miss my feelings of wanting to fly and felt i that nothing was un reachable. it was a gif

it has been getting harder to balance myself out, sometimes  i think i got it. then i drift back.  sometimes i do not know what i am looking for. i use to think it was being loved, or to love, now i wonder, is it enjoying each day like it was my last? pleasure or contentment? just feel good mentally or physically?  laying in the sunshine, the wind in my face?   raindrops fallin

if i had no need to buy material things,  what would i really need , food and shelter i guess.  if i ate natural things and less of it, how would i feel? if our system had no need for gas howmuch better would we be off? if we had no need to go farther than walking distance, or need for a partner, why worry about self image. do we make our on problems and worries. i would think tv in goin

i just got back from a camping trip. sometimes i get so bored, 1st night we were at a corp of engineer camp site, were about 10 places that had people out of a 120 or so  sites. i tried to get motivated,  tried hiking , to many bugs and hot. tried fishing to windy. so i just sit and spaced out,  you know when camping with someone who is , i would say balanced all the time and i hear

i got a e mail this morning my 5th sister has just died, another one of those hard to deal with ones, always angry, good thing i had 8 sisters, this is the 1st one who did not just give up, anger droveher. her daughter lived next door to her and she had not talked to her in years.  there was a split with rest of family 20 years ago, my brother and i are only ones who went and visited her in 2

normally i am so up, but i feel myself drifting down, i do not know what to do sometimes about it. is it the fall going into the winter thing, it has been raining here, mosquitoes are coming out drivingme up the wall can not go out side much. i have been camping but the trailer has a broken lift , got to fix it before we go out again, i just can not get around to fixing it. i just feel to be so do

We don't know who, why, where, what, when we are. What a fright-mare! Ignorant, alienated agents sent on a mission with no instructions. My thrilling bewilderment about the Great Disorder (Chaos) is due, of course, to the state of senility that I have diligently earned.

Short-term memory loss means you forget exactly what's happening and why you are here. Long-term memory gai

i have been saddled with either bipolar or ptsd or personality disorder as i mix them all up, who knows maybe i am just different and can not see eye to eye with the rest of the self righteousness, the what it supposeto be like types , who is to say what is right or wrong.  maybe it is because i do not think it is right to fellow the society written norms.  why would i want to be obsesse

as a youth i was told the opposite sex is a rare form . i am thinking with my hormones  anything, it  would be good to satisfy them , like needing  food for the hunger. so i try to be sociable to meetthe one. i am sure it is not food at the young age, just a need to be completed .  so we meet the 1st encounter, i kind of space out not knowing what to say to make this meeting to

well, deep subject.   i feel like inputing but i do not know what. so i will,  sex,moods, or train ride in my head.  what am i looking for? peace of mind, happiness? feel good, i wouldlike starting there, energy to jump up and go, i guess is 1st to flush drugs out of system and the care to do something that would drive me.  losing interest in finding a new sex partner, to

i am back home going around in circles in my head again, thinking about the next get away, i am getting tied of listening to my partner telling me get out of my  shell. i want to get out of my head. to self medicate, with drinking or brain numbing thing, or just to sleep and sleep.  just shut my brain off sometimes.  and at least shut down the pattern.   i have gotten to where

i am out camping, it is so different now of days, i use to swim and drink beer and smoke pot, , now i just snare out on lake or river and want sit in the woods where it is quiet. i think Americans havegotten to paranoid and do not relate as well as the yester year.   most just sit in there chairs  snaring in space or into there big trailers and do not come out.. on the internet or watchi

i come on mdj because otherwise i have a constant  anger dealing with a programmed society, the blind leading the blind. the sheep guided down there path. i would boil over like the world of today, i am sure it has always been this way, but with todays  media is easier for it to be seen and passed down.  i find the strongest  emotional energies come from fear and anger.  i

i know some of the people who get on mdj are delusional and have a hard time dealing with what has driven them here. it is hard to believe half the time what they say, but it is a good place to vent,  this is my diary supposedly i can write what i like as long as it does not step on someone else. when we start damming someone else it gets to be problem, we sure do not need them leading others

aspartame is one of many substances that is called an “excitotoxin.”  Excitotoxins, when they get into thebrain, cause brain cells to get so “excited” that they literally die or their DNA is damaged.  In other words, every time a person drinks a diet Coke some of their brain

let me correct the language so that it is politically and legally correct. Refrain from using the term "Cure." The term "cure" is patented and owned by the State (federal governmentand their agents: the fifty states) and is thus heavily regulated by the FDA (Food and Drug Administration).

i get so tired of hearing how someone cheated on them. why do we deal with them if we do not like it?  seems we keep going back for more. if someone is going to do it, it means they are ready fora change or they are tired of relationship they are in.  why hold them back.  why do we have to control them? if someone wants to stay with us they will.  if not they will go there merr

i am not here to vent today about anyone, i can only blame myself and my perception on how i see it.  i was just thinking about how my childhood ended, how i was disillusioned,  all my younglife had been changed forever.   i made bad turns and good turns. but i am still here, must be the survivor in me, life is good if i let it.  and get out of the my head of past memories

i had this dream that woke me up, it was about going to therapist to psycho docs, and telling my story and  i go to so many of them i start getting confused who i am, it seems each one wants to bemy friend  and i feel i can trust them, but i start  seeing they are very confused and have psychological problems themselves and i find there secret and they start doing a witch hunt on me

loaded up truck and went camping last night,  no tv and just saw butterflies and lighting bugs and 1st thing in morning i was near deer trail, 3 deers went by 2 mamas and a Bambi,  still a littlehot, but not crowded ,  sweat more, stink a little, took me a while to relax, well i am back, but decided, to go again.  next week longer, get back by labor day, stay in city when other

i was watching zorba the Greek last night , what he said made sense , we need a little madness to see the truth .  maybe this is what is happening, so many lies being put out and unbalancing the truth.  if me keep a prime thought pattern we get brain washed to easy.  need to loosen up to find the real self. so being different is better than thought as the norm,  i know i need t

my mind seems to go up and down, each week as long as i have sort of plan and instead of vegging back, i am ok.  wow how i could set back and letting life go by dealing with all the stupid media stuff that could go wrong in world. so what, do i become a revolutionary and change it or do i just talk about or dwell on what would best for me ot rest of blind infected media junk.  i think me

well i do not know what to write on posts today, so i will write here. i feeling a little low today not normal perky self.  i gearing myself  up to leave the nest. see if i can fly in society, know i can, know i can, ...... will have less places to write here, will just do so on hard drive i guess, maybe it is chance to do so away from the city, sure need to loosen mind to grow more,&nbs

i am ready to embark into a new life style , see how it works. i am going on road and live in trailer parks and parks or wherever i land, fly by night of friends i guess i will meet, here one day gonethe next.  i always wanted see what hobo life is like. get out the set up life style.  i wonder where i might land.  see if my emotional mind with deal with it.  i guess i will fin

on my way through life i have been running into more people like me  which i think is good , we can relate better, most people do not understand what we are talking about anyway.  like last sunday i ran into this guy at a party , he had same sort of antisocial behavior he thought because people did not understand him. he lived in country away from people because most people did not under

i am having a deep need to go out and do something , i know it is the deep dark energy turning over inside me, i am going to try to keep it under control, i do not like controlling it so much, it is somuch relieve of letting it go.  so i have to prove to everyone i can be part of society and its rules, i hate the rules takes fun out of life,  how many times can i get holding it back. if

i needed to go to veterans affairs office yesterday, i was trying to get VA disability assistance for my daughter to go to college. i am 90% now but have filed for appeal  100%, it has gotten so bad i can not work, it if is not mental it is physical.  if it had not been for this ptsd and neuropathology, i would still be working and be sending my kids to school and paying for it like ever

i have found people dealing with sexuality is so different. mostly men and women, men seem to live in a 3 day cycle and women in a i guess a 28 day cycle like a moon cycle.  and when talking to mygf . her up bringing is so different from mine, we see it so different.  she had been very sexual when young and had lots of sexual friends, me i felt rejected and could not relate so well and h

i had rage building up yesterday. i feel my mind get consumed, is it worse than anxiety?  i felt body physically start breaking down, i was angry at everyone on road.  is this what happens whenwe carry anger around and spread it to our streets?  it is very consuming. i use to carry it around for years and did not understand why, i thought i had dealt with it. the old ugly head of&nb

i have been thinking about what is driving the wars and senseless killings. the mass killers seem to be middle class white men, what is driving them to do such things. is it greed and self image problems? it is the white man that start the large senseless wars and and destroy our way of life.  they enslaved the black man and tried to kill off the red man.  is it greed?  they start w

my teenage daughter use to hang out with the less than well off kids, i suppose it was a romantic  type of kids. who just wanted to have fun. i felt she was going to get in trouble sooner than later.  anyway finally she started hanging out with a friend in neighborhood where her mothers  lives, where kids her better off.  had there on cars and went to pool parties.  last s

i took my daughter to a college to get her started there, as i came into door i ran into one of my marine friends , he use to work there as a campus police. anyway i tried getting my daughter set upwith using my military educational benefits.  they did not seem to know much about it. how the system has changed since i was there. anyway i had to go to another place to straighten it out. my

i am a old veteran, i feel i have been beaten ed up by our system. when i came home i felt lost. and felt there was way to go.  most people had heard enough about the war and did not want to hearabout my problems, so bounced around from job to job, i had hard time keeping employment because of anger and emotional issues. so i started drinking to bury it.  now i had problems with  dr

i just came back from a trip which was a lot different than others. it was at another way dealing with life.  i was against it at the beginning, because it was so different than i am use to. it tookme sometime to get use to.  but when i did i really liked it. and want to go back.  but i do not like cold weather, so it will be a while. i will go back for sure.  i guess i need to

all i take is gabaentin, which nothing compared to some off the stuff others take here, it makes me tired and dull all the time, now i feel addicted to it, i am not motived, and do not want to excise or ride my motorcycle. i will wean off it i think. who needs meds or they just drugs, pot or anything else works same way, even beer. what is sense of taking something like this to feel so down, i lik

last couple days my energy level is down, my motivation is down big time. i do not think it is depression, it is a body energy that is down, i do not even want to ride my motorcycle. my sugar has beenok, maybe it is long use of gabapentin,  like all meds the body is reacting to it, and prescription meds is something that over does it, i am glad i do not have to take that stuff others i read a

i had a dream of the masks i have make of me of the past, the different parts , i made for barriers to deal with the outside forces of society. in my dream i kept looking at each one of them until i foundthe real self. but there were so many of them, as if if i cleaned one away another would replace it.  it was like a fear of coming clean with myself. maybe it is fear of looking shame in the

been looking for truck and camper trailer to get on the move, i wonder what it will be like to live in a camp. 200 miles then move, guess i will meet lots of different people. see if this will get theanxiety down,  sleeping in strange places every week.  well will not know until i try it. staying in same place has me bogged down. the new adventure begins,  be a drifter like the olde

i got to thinking about hard it is to get a job for a young man or women when they get out of high school.  we can always go into military and be trained as a killer for freedom. when i was in it was to fight for our way of life, so we can drive cars cheap. or go on cheap driving trips. to get away from our stressful jobs, to make enough money to be in the fab or  look good so we can

i took my daughter to get her enrolled in college yesterday. it was cool. she has a very overbearing mother all her life and we never got close. i wanted to break the barriers before she went off in heron life. we discussed the things that always were put out of site. i did not realize until yesterday we did not know each other to well. she was concerted , because i was making plans to go live in

i have a sister who lives way up in Yankee land,  i do not see her much, she met her husband when he was in armed forces in texas,  anyway she just had a bad sick spell. so i called and to seehow she is doing.  her youngest daughter  answered phone. i started talking to her, i had not seen her in a many of a year.  found she had been put on a disability. for quote nervous

i was just writing in my diary  and it triggered a story about a past thing.  my past wife had just gotten a divorce , when i met her, she had come home to a stairs, her ex had taken there traileraway,  she had been working 3 jobs to put her ex through medical school.  my past wife had come down with R A  and was given cortisone  to control pain.  so she wou

this is the anniversary date when my best friend died, she was my soulmate for sure,  i watched her slowly be cut apart from diabetes and gangrene. i remember  the doctor calling me and tellingit had turned for the worse. i had been through so many problems with her health, i thought it was just another problem, but it was the big one, she was just ready to go, tried of the pain , here i

i am trying to start my life story again and a old thought popped in my head again and it was old anger at a bully i knew in jr high school, when i was twelve , i had low self esteem at that time, i wasa fat nerd book reader. i would sit at lunch by this guy everyday, he tied to intimate me all the time, his gf would flirt with me, even i knew she was just a tease, and did it to piss him off, was

i have a hard time searching to go see my kids and grandkids, what happened in the day when they came and seen the dad, i have not been close like that, my oldest son had different mother who died andhe did not get alone with second wife.  so he does not visit with his sisters either, both of them just about took off on there on and in there on world and feel guilty  i guess seeing me at

i wonder what does it, the good energy, i slept good , but felt good when i got up, i wanted to just hug my gf, she did not know what to think. i just wanted to go out and share my good energy, i wentto the store and talked to everyone, but in a good natured way. everyone i talked to responded in kind.  it felt good sharing my good energy, maybe it is the qigong i am doing , the breathing

most of the bipolar people i know have good hearts, is it the child like nature they have, even with the problems they have, maybe it is how they perceive life, through the eyes of a child.  the free spirit they have, i also noticed they stay in hypo most of the time,  when they get depressed, usually it is some outside interference that causes them to over worry about something, then th

i went to a qigong workshop with about 500 people, i went in feeling kind of down, maybe from the anxiety of so many people, this was my 3rd  qigong workshop, i know doing qigong is good for my monkeymind. it settles my emotions and relaxes my heart, and slows the mind.  but when i went i felt very unsettled.  my body hurt and felt the bad emotions and energy around me,  i &nbs

i am determined to find the light path, even if others try dragging me back,  tomorrow starts a new adventure, yesterday  the ROT started , 50,000 motorcycles roaring around town, with them lining up and down congress ave. and 6th street, might go for ride for little while, i am past the good o boy bike ride, to hot, and health is not what it use to be,  so i will go to convention c

i went to beach to get away from myself or was it a way take myself to a different frame of mind. i was looking for adventure and found me again doing something different.  i slowly worked my wayfrom austin to chorus christi(the body of christ)  looking for the mayan portal to higher consciousness , with the view of venus in front of sun, had a full moon across the water, a cool harvest

yesterday i was in one strange mood,  it only comes out like that in a full moon , it is like my shadow comes out, that dark person in me i keep hidden, only break glass when needed, i am surprisedi did not go out and drink.  i just wrote a lot flakey stuff here on mdj,  i guess as much as i think i have my moods together, they sneak up on me,  i guess that is just a human trai

ever feel rum dum, i am just trying to spit it out or write it out, can not get my interest out,  had bad dream and did not care, woke up tired because could not sleep right, i just need some sortinterest to get my mind to function, maybe to much gabapentin, numbing brain like it is suppose to numb nervous system, no panic attacks or anxiety for sure, what a trade off no brain or feeling for

back when i was a raging drunk,   i when on a trip to a large park outside of austin,  i was living in Houston at the time.  i was going camping near the mexican border, my brother saidcome by paleface park on my way. so i did, i starting drinking of course, and smoking pot, and found out paleface was a nudist park, never seen a cop out there then, so it was one party place and i

well i am going to a veterans cemetery today to see how my emotions  get triggered, i get sort of numbed out most of time,  well i have to deal with it sooner than later,  it is by FortSam H

i have watched the matrix many times, well all of them, take the red pill or the blue pill makes a lot of sense, take the blue pill or was it the red pill, and go on with your life  always being fed by your programming through  a the way it is going to be, and the other pill is for the ride of your life, who wants to see the real world, the greed that moves it and energy suckers who feed

what is the real me, facts would be best way to start.  is it the battle of ego or what others think i should be. i day dream a lot. i do not like others tell me my dreams can not come true. anythingis possible. i have to keep trying and can not give up.  the feelings of bipolar or ptsd or whatever i am labeled can not keep me down,  i am trying to let the subconscious and my dreams

before i started working with my dreams i felt condemned to choices prepared and packaged by others.  i am listening to them now. i have a way to see my on path in life.  my dreams has helpedme become myself.  they have helped me with solutions i did not know how to deal with, so i do not get locked into a anxiety trip of not knowing what to do in my future,  i had a dream of g

i need to get rid of guilt of letting my ex fen for herself, i have always been a caretaker type, when is it my time, she just knows how get under my skin to get me to give, mostly guilt trip buttons,  or shaming for not caring enough for kids, hell they are grown, went to pdoc and all she wanted to talk about was my anxiety trips, i wanted dig into what caused the anxiety. even going to see

i feel i have no direction or purpose today, i feel down in dumps today, why? is it a mood,  am i having a anxiety about meeting with pdoc today, i have make notes what to being up. dealing with relationship of ex wife. i need to break away, my gf does not like it, my ex is sucking me dry and i feel guilty about it.  i feel my gf is turning into my mother,  wow need a pdoc for that

it seems like sex is what makes the world go around to a lot of people, some will talk about it, while others must not, is it a sin to be able to talk about sexual matters in a discussion?  i watchedthis show on sundance, about need to be satisfied, what is it about foreign  shows being more open about sexual matters, and in america it is just used to sell stuff. all about the money, i t

i wonder what turns those chemicals  off and on, mostly the depression one, or is it not getting enough chemicals. so we are flooding ourselves with them from meds, and mind and bod goes into a dormantshock, sort of like another trauma , and the body and mind have to adjust to new load of chemical toxins.  then the balance,  are they just chemical switches ,  i wonder if man ma

i wonder if my internal self lowers my energy level, does my brain shut off my chemicals to move around more, is it adrenalin the gas for the body. is it what makes so many thoughts.can being in love  beingup that energy level or finding the spirit. or winning the lotto.  what turns it on and off?  being obsessed can being up that level, fear, anger, why not just being me. sad, is a

i grew up with 8 sister and 2 brothers, my dad was 58 when i was born, i am one of the youngest , my last was born my dad was 63, i use to worry they were going die when i was young, i would go to sleepworrying my mom and dad were going to die all the time.  my dad was bipolar and lived to be 89,  my mom 73,  my dad never took meds or any medication ,  he had a good attitude &n

i do not quite understand why i need a label to feel a part of something, i know deep down it is meaningless.  i feel trouble deep inside, how do i put that feeling in a box. ptsd,bipolar,or one of the many i have seen here on mdj, i could fit into so many, maybe if i separated me i could fit into one of them, maybe they are badges of honor, who knows,  to part of something, sometimes i

i went to pdoc today, 1st in about year, i have been to 10 or 15 in past,  only 2 to 3 worth talking to,  it was ok, we related, i  asked her some of the questions people on mdj ask,  why do i feel lonely? why i can not relate with others?   what i got was, some people like being along, and some do not relate, everyone is different.  she asked me , do i feel lonely, i

i feel shame about my body,my emotions,and sexuality, my neediness, not good enough,it is important  to recognize my critical voice in my head. who does it sound like? who drove this criticism inmy head.      i feel i am doing my best being me.  raising my self-esteem by attacking the demon within is tough ,  releasing my inhibitions and fears,  i want to play ag

i have been thinking about my 4 sisters who wasted away from depression, the 1st was a quiet intellect person, who lived by herself because her husband had died of cancer.  she shot herself aftergoing to each person in family and telling her wrongs,  the 2nd was on meds for many years and lived with her husband in country, he died and 2 months later at age of 50 she sit down and died she

a person who is emotionally illiterate  watching someone in a emotional state becomes a mystery,  is like they are speaking in a foreign language.  when a moody person is asked what is wrong, usually they will say , "nothing"   does it come from a family where feelings are not expressed? emotions are energy in motion. if they are not expressed , they are repressed.

at the moment of betrayal a wound is opened, our original trust. rejection is the fear that dwells at the core of the human heart.  it beings despair , grief,  it is why we hold back our love,  it triggers childhood feelings of helplessness.  our self-esteem plummets, it drives us into depression.  we can not live without it.  it turns ourselves against us,   &nb

how do we see ourselves? i am a big guy, i lost weight one time and got pretty slim, i felt people pushing me around , so i gained weight as my self image thought it should be, my weight has adjusted where it felt comfortable , i wonder if this because of feeling rejected and i am telling myself this internally. when survival is threatened, we feel afraid .  fear heightens our awareness and f

just as logic leads the mind, desire guides the soul. as kids , pleasure comes to us through touching and closeness. kids take pleasure of being alive and reaching out to encounter the world.   but some us were trained in our homes that to feel pleasure is frowned upon. it was a indulgent waste of time and energy.  some felt manipulative  with strings attached  we where give

it seems our world evolves around money or material things.  what we got is who we are.  it causes war, need to be someone, but it seems the people who have it are pretty messed up people,  it is used as a tool for destruction,  to tear down others.  it is what causes so much disharmony.  is it the need for it or is it use for control of others, such a nasty concept.

i feel as i watch as a observer, parts of me are different, i have a part , almost like a different person in me, well couple people there, the old me, the new me, the the me i want to be, the old me the ego driven me, thinks past mistakes were just a joke and i can go around them, more experienced i guess,  it is the old ego trying to survive i guess, pleasuring seeking is better, if it feel

i thought i knew what anxiety was. i started off  with shortness of breath, what started it, anger, thinking about dealing with pdoc. i have not done that in a year, i do not feel i know what to say, most likely , the pdoc  will try to get me to take some different pill.  my back started to hurt near my kidneys , then i got a tooth ache , then when trying to sleep  my legs star

i always thought anxiety is not really there,  like a space in your hand. the thought of your hand with nothing there until i put it there.  why?  am i beating myself up. why?  i thinkit does not come  from no where.  i would think it is another one of does things we pick up on the path,journey , the adventure.  do we pick it up like a sea shell on the beach and

i have to find a different path, the path i am on is ok, but the path is getting into a rut. i need to find another light or purpose.  something new.  watch the animals i guess,  do animalsget bored?  only if they are caged i guess, do we build cages around our self? are our defense barriers   fences?  the wall around house are to keep the elements out  or my for

i had to leave the house, or should i say escape from the computer it was sucking me in. i went to the seashore, it was away from all electronic devices. all i had was a video in my head. and the gulfwaters of padre island.  were not many people. i had to make friends,   short friends or different than longer friends.  seems it is easier.  i almost when crazy with the dry out o

is the ego yearning for the past or future? the ego thrives on something new.  and always looking for the next.  it looks for satisfaction.  but the i wants wholeness. it can only wefound in the now, so the ego lives in the past and future,      past= depression, future=anxiety.  now =wholeness.    fear of boredom is illusion of nothingness.   &

i am writing to see if i understand, why i have not broken away from my mom and dad,  they are long dead, but i am still looking for my moms approval, maybe it is the last i seen of me being whole.  and when i went looking for my next wholeness , the break did not happen,  i seem to have a child like nature, which i love , it helps me to be more creative i suppose.  it helps