I am astounded that out of the 900 digital cable channels I receive, only 6 or 7 are actually Reality TV-free.  Are they kidding?  Who's running these networks, the imbeciles from "Jackass"? 

I mean, when's the last time YOU woke up and discovered you were locked in a house with 12  strangers? Your unfamiliar roommates include a baptist minister, a cattle farmer, an abortion rights activist and a retired army drill sargeant. Your objective is to pick each other off one by one by winning challenges such as "Drink the Most Spoiled Meat Juice"  and  "Shove the Largest Inanimate Object Up Your Ass"...

Have you EVER IN YOUR LIFE been forced to eat a bowl of dung covered worms if your best friend didn't correctly answer 10 ambiguous trivia questions?

How 'bout boarding a plane and agreeing to be dropped, blindfolded, in a    remote location with only a thumb tack, some M & Ms and a yellow bandana to guide and protect you? 

.... That's not reality. 

I CAME UP WITH A LIST OF NEW SHOWS THAT WOULD BE WORTH BREAKING OUT THE JIFFY-POP FOR:

-  "The Real THIRD World"

-  "Americas Next Top Organized Crime Boss"

-  "The Llama Whisperer"

-  "Extreme Makeover:  Homeless Edition"

-  "Project Airport Runway: Shoe Bomb Edition"

-  "The Girls Next Door... Have Papillary Conjunctivitis"

-  "Inside the Actors Studio Apartment"

-  "Yugoslavian Idol"

-  "America's Funniest Home Invasions"

-  "The Amazing Racist"

 THAT'S MUST SEE TV!

Put any one of those shows on the air, and I'm not leaving my spot on the sofa, even when I need to pee.

Reality TV.  Pfft!  Yeah right.

"Kissing a smoker is like licking an ashtray"...  That's gotta be the worst lie I have ever heard.  Almost.

(The worst lie I everheard was the one about the frog and the "BUMP! BUMP! BUMP!" but never mind that one;  I'll tell you later)

However; the "kissing a smoker" rumor comes close. I seriously doubt that the genius who came up with that little snippet of wisdom has ever mustered up the balls to actually lick an ashtray...
 
Well I have.  And I've also kissed a smoker... There is no similarity at all!  Anyone who jumps on the bandwagon and repeats this bald-faced lie should be shot in the ear with a poisoned dart.  Allow me to give you mongoloids the simple facts...

#1: Licking an ashtray is not a pleasant experience.  It leaves you with a residue in your mouth which is very similar to the one you get after you chew on charred wood. Kissing a smoker leaves no residue at all...

(Yes, I've chewed charred wood... yet another story for another time)

#2: I smoke. I've kissed plenty of non-smokers, and nobody's ever complained.  In fact, one of them said I taste like strawberries...  So put THAT in your ashtray and lick it.

#3: Newsflash:  Clearly, if you don't like the way it tastes when you kiss a smoker, it's probably the best best to keep your fucking tongue out of their mouth. Or find a non-smoker to do your spit exchanging with.  Duh.

I'll have to add this asinine phrase to my next edition of  Things That Bug Me....

Okay, wrap your head around THIS little tidbit of bullshit that I encountered when I took my dog to the park today:

They were putting on a stupid "Summertime Christmas" celebrationin the park (you know - one of those festivals designed to do nothing but empty your pockets) and I stopped to watch a bunch of kids all dressed up in reindeer costumes singing on stage.  I was listening to the words they were singing and realized that one of my favorite songs from childhood is nothing but a verbal beat-down on people who are different...

You've got a kid that's a complete and total social reject because of a physical deformity with which he was born;  nothing he can help. (Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer, had a very shiny nose; and if you ever saw it, you would even say it glows).

The other kids exclude him, make fun of him, and mock him (All of the other reindeer used to laugh and call him names; they never let poor Rudolph join in any reindeer games)...

UNTIL.....  the "poor" reject kid gets thrown into a situation in which, due to the nature of his disability, he's the only person able to perform a certain task (Then one foggy Christmas eve, Santa came to say  "Rudolph with your nose so bright, won't you guide my sleigh tonight?").

LO AND BEHOLD, the disabled kid's suddenly the MAN OF THE HOUR - and due to his new-found fame, finds himself with all the other kids riding his coat-tails (Then all the reindeer loved him, and they shouted out with glee, "Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer, you'll go down in history!").

WHAT??? Are you fucking kidding me? This is socially acceptable folklore? We, as a society have the balls to encourage our children to buy into the notion that unless they're inherently USEFUL, it's perfectly acceptable to make a mockery of the disabled members of society? I don't see anything in there about the other reindeer APOLOGIZING to Rudolph, do you?

Now I know why everyone calls ME on drunk-karaoke night... They're using me for my disability...

I'm one part ruthless.
. ...two parts nudist.
And three parts ludicrous.

I'm one part lightning.
 ...two parts smoke.
 ...three parts madness.
 ;And four parts fire.

I'm one part cynical.
  ...two parts logical.
  ...three parts miserable.
 And four parts irrational.

I'm one part moderation.
...two parts reconciliation.  
...three parts Confucian.
And four parts confusion.

I'm one part socialist.
...two parts republican.
...three parts capitalist.
...four parts democrat.
... five parts anarchist
And six parts disinterested.

I'm one part pessimist.
...two parts optimist.
...three parts existentialist.
And four parts environmentalist.

I'm one part Catholic.
...one part Baptist.
...one part Jewish.
...one part Muslim.
...one part Mormon.
...one part Rastafarian.
...one part Scientologist.
...one part Agnostic.
...one part Universal Zulu Nation.
And nine parts Atheist.

I'm one part hedonist.
...two parts scientist.
...three parts amusement.
And four parts poet.

I'm one part Feng-Shui.
...two parts Tao-Te-Ching.
...three parts Tae Kwon Do.
...four parts Yo... Ho... Ho.
...five parts Ho... Ho... Ho.
...six parts Ha... Ha... Ha!
And seven parts "And Away We Go!"

I'm one part earth.
...two parts rain.
...three parts thunder.
And four parts hell.

I'm one part stupidity.
...two parts genius.
And three parts insanity.

I'm one part dream.
...two parts fantasy.
...three parts reality.
And four parts euphoria.

I'm one part selfish.
...two parts careless.
...three parts sarcastic.
And four parts refusal.

I'm one part rapture.
...two parts circumvent disaster.
...three parts ridiculous.
And four parts inspired.

I'm one part ice cold.
...two parts burning hot.
...three parts emotional.
And four parts crazy. 

1.  People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. Thanks for the heads-up pal, but I know where my watch is. Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2.  People who call the house at like 3:30 in the morning and ask, "Did I wake you?". No, you didn't wake me. I'm always up at 3:30 in the morning on a fucking Sunday. That's "Kim Time"... I use it to cut out my paper dolls and answer stupid questions.

3.  When I pick up a beef product at the grocery store and the package says "Now Made With REAL BEEF!"... They're making the beef with beef now??? How disappointing;  I really loved it when the beef was made of a kangaroo/baby harp seal blend.

4.  The phrase, "You can't have your cake and eat it too".  Most people follow that rule and display their cake as a centerpiece so the family can gather ‘round it and form theories about how it tastes, but I'm the rebel who buys a cake with the sole purpose of  fucking eating it.

5.  Mispronunciation of the word "nuclear". It's "NUKE-LEE-URE", not "NUKE-YOU-LER". Got it? If you're confused, you can learn more about it at the "LIE-BERRY".

6.  When I run into someone I know at the movies and their greeting is,  "Hey! What are YOU doing here?" Are you kidding?  Obviously, I'm here to pay my overdue taxes. And after this, I'm headed to the tax accountant's office to catch a movie. Moron.

7.  Local news. Why are these anchor people wasting my royal time with not-so-witty banter and predictable rhetoric? Tick tock people! I don't have time for this shit. Nobody cares about which one of you hair sprayed robots attended the local bake-off this weekend - just give me the 5 day forecast, tell me how many murders happened in the area, clue me in on what's happening in national news and call it a day.

8.  Conspiracy Theories. Allow me to save you lunatic theorists some time... JFK is dead. Princess Diana is dead. Elvis is dead.  Shot, crashed and peanut butter sandwiched, in that order. No conspiracy there, just dead people.

9.  Women who overuse perfume. Listen lady; I don't care for the scent of lilac and honeysuckle and I can smell you from 9 blocks away. You've splashed it on so vigorously that I think I can actually taste it.

1.  When I ask a question and people respond by asking how I don't already know.  I'll ask "How do you play Sudoku?" and the person answers: "YOUDON'T KNOW HOW TO PLAY SUDOKU???"   No Captain Obvious, and I still don't know, thanks to helpful answers like yours.

2.  People who don't know the difference between irony and coincidence... it's so ironic (or coincidental?)

3.  When people point me in the direction of Google as a first-resort.  I'll ask, "Do you know (insert random question here)?"  and they say "Google it."  Then they compound the stupidity when they come over and show me how to use Google.  "See, Google's a very nice tool," they say.  Thanks for your condescending bullshit, assface.

4.  The fact that my dictionary doesn't recognize the word "assface".

5.  People who don't comprehend sarcasm.  Though I'm glad that you took it as a compliment, I was actually trying to tell you that you're a twatknuckle.

6.  Jay Leno.  Oh, how I hate him.  His jokes are so unfunny that they make me throw up in my mouth a little.

7.   People who say,  "They really need to write a book about my life." Whoever "they" is needs to be shanked if they publish a book about your life.  If you have to say they should write a book about you, your life is probably yawn worthy....and reading about it will give my eyes gonorrhea.

8.  The spooky non-Texas, Texas accent that Bush speaks with.

9.  When I ask for help and someone recommends the obvious answer. For example; I ask someone in Staples, "Why doesn't the copier work?" and they say "Oh, you just need to hit the copy button," like I'm remedial.  Of course I tried the copy button.  You think I'd be asking for your help if that worked?  What makes it even worse is when I say "I tried that..." and they say "Are you sure?"  Ugh; you low-expectation having motherfucker.

10.  People who drown a room in flowery aerosol sprays to make it smell better. News flash: those chemicals smell like industrial waste. I'd rather smell the dog crap on the carpet then the nerve agent you just poisoned my lungs with.

11.  OBX stickers. Overseas, this style sticker identifies where the vehicle is from. Like, we have "Rhode Island" or "Texas" on our plate, they would have "UK" on their sticker. Then it became a trend in America starting with people putting "UK" on their car, which turned into "IRE" (Ireland) and other countries, which turned into cities, which turned into highschools, which turned into "ACK" and "UGH", which turned into me shooting myself in the face because there is no way your car is registered in "DMB" (Dave Matthews Band). Idiots.

12.  Rhode Island cuisine. Stupid clam "chowda".

13.  Fondue sets. Swiss communal germs and molten cheese make for ass blockage plus disease. Ain't nothing fon about it. (pun)

14.  People who perpetually feel sorry for themselves and play the victim role.  How do they stand up so straight without a spine??? QUICK - somebody call a "Wahhhh - mbulance".

The HIPAA can suck it.  Hard.  While I do thoroughly appreciate that all these privacy laws are, in fact, protection of my health privacy, I do not appreciatejumping through all the hoops and rings and other round objects just to get access to MY OWN records. 

It all began simply enough last week when I realized that I needed to get a copy of my records  to back up my disability claim...

So I call my doctor and the front office hag says that she can send me my records, sweetie, but she needs me to fax a piece of paper that says that I authorize her sending my records, honey.  My first thought is, "Lucky for me that my printer even HAS faxing capabilitites." My second is, Sweetie? Honey? I'm maybe 5 years younger than you, don't sweetie honey me.  Ick.  I realize that she deals with people who don't mind being "honey sweetie baby sugared" to death all day by a total stranger, but she also deals with adults who have a smidgen of pride  (ME!), and I feel completely condescended upon, and sort of ick factored out. 

I am making a vow to never sweetie/honey people ever again .... I must come up with alternate terms of endearment that are not condescending and not creepy at the same time.  Need some time to think on it. (I think I'll stick with "toots").

I can forgive this oversight in judgment on  sugar honey sweetie lady's part, but am also irritated that I have to fax something to the office just to get my records..... 

It is at this point  I also realize that while this practice is to ensure that I am who I say I am, it really doesn't verify me at all.  It just says that some person called and asked for my records, and then wrote a note saying that the records can be sent.  This does not protect me.  It simply makes me want to grumble aloud, much like I have been doing for the past half hour. 

Grumble Grumble Grumble. 

I will never cease to be amazed by the intimate questions people ask and expect answers for....

I've got a new method of dealing with the single most intrusive question people tendto ask.

Frankie (the love of my life) DESPISES my new method, but I think it's hysterical, so I won't budge. I will continue to use my new method until people stop violating my personal boundaries.

In the past,  whenever I ran into someone I'd lost touch with (and even more when it was a relative) I'd  get asked some variation of the same question; "HOW'S THE LOVE LIFE?".  Whether I've been single, dating, or in a committed relationship, that question never failed to make me feel like playing ostrich and shoving my head in the ground.

If I was in a relationship,  I always responded with, "Yes, I have a boyfriend.  His name is Ewan McGregor." (I've also used other gorgeous male specimens such as Johnny Depp, Heath Ledger, etc etc etc)  My sarcasm always seemed to be lost on these nosy individuals who typically followed up my obvious hint to mind their business with, "So when are you gonna settle down? When's he going to pop the question?  When are the kids coming along?"  This is irritating when fending off the questions alone but when  you  insert boyfriend into the equation, it's a pretty good recipe for making all parties infinitely uncomfortable and skittish. 

If I was simply dating (nothing serious), I would respond with, "Well, you know, I'm playing the field." This either provoked sympathetic looks like, "Poor girl can't get someone to commit" or somewhat disgusted looks like, "Man what a slut, can't commit to one guy."  Not only was I offended by the blatant judgment I underwent, I also began to question myself.  What am I doing with this guy? Is he my boyfriend? Do I want him to be my boyfriend? Why am I talking to myself right now?

If I was single I tended to do the head tilt thing and say, "Nope, I'm a spinster."  This was always strange to me because I felt as though I was apologizing for being single.  As if I'd somehow let them down. So to ease my guilt, I'd add something else sarcastic ("Sorry, I must have missed the boyfriend sale, but I'll be sure and pick one up for next time." ) But to add insult to injury, people gave me an encouraging pat on the shoulder and said, "Don't worry sweetie, you'll find the right guy someday." Did they think that was reassuring?

Now when I get asked "How's the love life?" I WRITE DOWN  my answer on a tiny piece of paper, fold it up and sheepishly hand it to the questioner:

"I'd answer you, but my throat is still too sore from last night to speak wink wink". That shuts them up.

He gave me a leaf, and that pissed me off - I wanted flowers! 

I realized that instead of being angry, I should feel honored by his thoughtfulness...  Nobody ever gave me a leaf before.

My beautiful leaf is now proudly displayed in a small vase at the center of my dining room table, and I melt a little more every time I look at it.

I would like to take a moment to thank the brainiacs at the Coca-Cola Company for shoving over-the-top product advertising down my throat to the point where I break down and actually try theircrappy new soft drink. Congratulations Coca-Cola; you've done it again! You've solidified my position that your products suck ass.  Allow me to give an accurate depiction of their latest garbage.....

 If  you haven't yet tasted Diet Vault, but would like an idea of what it tastes like, do this:  Keep a straw in your pocket and wander around outside until you find a pigeon or squirrel that's been dead for, oh..., say three months. Stick the straw into the dead animal and suck. Diet Vault tastes like that, only a smidge worse. On top of that, the taste lingers in your mouth for months, and gradually gets worse until it's like your mouth was invaded by the notoriously rare and deadly Asian Shit Ant.

What gets me is that Coca-Cola had high-paid executives sitting around a table, drinking this sludge; all nodding approvingly, "Oh yes, this is what America wants, a 'light, crisp, refreshing' beverage that tastes like Cheney sputum."

You want to defeat terrorists? Force them to drink Diet Vault. I'm sure it would violate the acts of the Geneva Conventions, but they'd immediately tell you anything they knew, then hang themselves. Diet Vault is torture in a 20-oz bottle.

Being as how I'm in a particularly foul mood this evening, I figured I'd let a few more things that bug me off my chest. (Hey - this is turning into a bona fide series.....)

A Few MoreThings That Bug Me.......

1. Chinese Character Tattoos. Having a tattoo with Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

2. Debit card machines in retail stores. I'm not a fucking cashier....  By the time I get done sliding my freakin card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again... the kid who's "supposed" to be ringing me up is standing there eating MY Snickers bar. Paper? Plastic?...who gives a shit? At this point, I don't have time for that. I've just been called to do a cleanup on aisle four.

3. Grown men who collect baseball cards. Hell,  I think every male kid collects baseball cards. My problem isn't with kids... it's adults. Listen if you're a grown man you're not collecting cards, you're collecting pictures of men. Time to come out of the closet....

4. Target pharmacy fucking with the elderly. This retail giant has actually introduced a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And there's four push tabs instead of two. And by the time gramps figures out how to open it his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

5. Women who pluck all their eyebrows off, then draw a pencil thin line in their place because they think it makes them more attractive. What's the deal here? C'mon now; don't you have a mirror? I got news for ya - here's how men feel about eyebrows: "Do you have two of them? Great! Let's get it on..."

I had a revelation while I was shopping for summer clothes today. 

I am, by nature, a fast walker...(quick like a bunny!); the reason why is pretty obvious.  But today, I noticed that there are people out there in this fabulously crazy world who move like they've been drinking jet fuel for a completely different reason...

There were a lot of important people walking around the mall!! Walking briskly. That's the way to walk when you're wearing a suit or heels for the benefit of convincing others that you are "someone to know"...

Strolling while wearing a suit makes you look like the President... he doesn't have to be brisk; everyone knows he's important. (The US president, that is. The mall president has to walk that way because he's too short to otherwise keep up with people.)

I've also noticed that putting your hands in your pants pockets while wearing a buttoned suit jacket makes you look like a lazy and/or pompus jackass, and makes me think of the word "congressman." Don't wear a suit unless you're going to be doing something important.

If you zip zip zip down a corrider and look at your watch 3 or 4 times before you get to the end, you must be SUPER DUPER important.

It really is nice to have all these busy, important people rush by while I sit on a bench and just wonder about them... "people watching" is what my mother used to call it. 

 Makes me feel like a dirty hippy. I wish I had a guitar to play for them.... They probably would have thrown money at me.

Excuse me, God........????

I have a question of biblical interest. I know you're really busy judging people and all, so I'll try to make it quick. (I've seen what happens whenyou get irked.)

Faith is believing isn't it? Believing that in the end, all the good little boys and girls will rejoice and join you in heaven for an eternal party? That sounds more like FATE to me. And doesn't FATE make prayer seem kind of redundant?  Please call on your sense of humor God,  as I have mine in order to digest the state of this world you created.

I must say; your intentions were massive, and you did a bang up job.... I've seen the seven wonders and and a few other wonders I won't mention...  I mean, I'm talking to GOD for Christs sake! (Ooops, sorry ‘bout that one)

NOTE TO SELF:  Be sure to say 5 Hail Marys and 2 Our Fathers - then you'll be holy again.  Hmmm...  Not bad. Totally worth it.....

Anyway, God, you must be proud. I mean, you did ALL THAT in six days and a relaxing Sunday to reflect on your working week!!!!

 Ummm...

We're all your children, but I can't help but feel somewhere throughout evolution and lineage, our descendants  truly became "of our own creation" which sort of renders you a preference, doesn't it?

Please don't be offended God, but for some people you are as optional as "Would you like to super-size that?"  But those people are going straight to hell anyway.

 I mean, what with all the new-fangled theories...some people are questioning what the truth is.  They say scientists have physical proof of how the world was really created... you know; stuff like "Big Bang" and evolution.  I mean, all that stuff is just silly, right? What kind of moron would believe THAT stuff??? I makes WAY more sense that we were just created by some guy we've never seen and can't prove.  Duh.

I know what's up.... I realize that there's no choice.  You just are who you are. Period. We worship you or go to Hell. Period dot.   Everyone should just accept that fact.

Oh, by the way God, I'm more than willing to go out brazenly into the world, find all the people who disagree and SHOVE THE BIBLE DOWN THEIR THROATS until they agree that they are wrong, and we are right!!! Will that score me some extra points on judgement day??

1.    Colored toilet paper.

2.    Pay-Per-View. Doesn't the check I send to the cable company every month suggest that I already pay to view?

3.    Miniature anything.

4.    Themed and rehearsed answering machine recordings. They haven't been funny since 1986.

5.    Cabbage Patch Kids.

6.    Sour Patch Kids.

7.    My neighbor's kids.

8.    Tests of the Emergency Broadcast System.

9.    Instruction manuals that confuse more than they instruct.

10.  Losing a hand of Blackjack because the tourist from Hoboken, NJ on your right thinks hitting on 19 is a smart idea.

11.  Plastic flowers.

12.  Secretaries who demand to know what my call is regarding. Oh, ok. And while we're at it, would you care to know what my raised middle finger is regarding?

13.  Fifty gallon aquariums that only contain one fish.

14.  Info-mercials that insult my intelligence by hawking products like "The Original Super Amazing Sticky Wand" (it's sooo sticky, even stubborn pet hair doesn't stand a chance!) Here's a newsflash, Hawker Guy: I'm pretty confident that product you're drooling over is a fucking lint roller.

15.  Toilet paper rolls positioned to flip "over" instead of  "under".

16.  Incoming calls rigged with a pre-recorded robotic voice urging me to hold to hear important  information regarding life insurance.

17.  Local news channel fluff stories. I could care less about why the majority of local teens prefer MySpace over Facebook. Give me the real news then shut the fuck up.

18.  The sound of a lawnmower at 6:00 a.m.

19.  People who fail to realize that their car was "egged" because they mowed their lawn at 6:00 this morning.

20.  Pantyhose with open-toed shoes.

21.  Cling Wrap that doesn't cling.

22.  Overflowing ashtrays.

23.  Blatant drug dealers who think they are incognito. Aren't you 20 years old and unemployed? You're loitering on the corner at 9:00 in the morning wearing 3 carats in each ear, 400 dollar sneakers and a Rolex. Real subtle. You're better off holding up a blinking neon sign that says "BUY DRUGS HERE!!"... it's less obvious.

24.  Disco balls.

25.  Toilets that take 20 minutes to recover from the previous flush. I don't have that kind of time.

26.  Orange street cones strategically positioned on the road for no visible reason. If I wanted to be forced to maneuver through an obstacle course,  I'd join the military.

27.  Unrealistically long fingernails.

28.  And toe nails.

29.  People who insist that you "SAY CHEESE" before they snap your picture.

30.  Standing in line behind a guy with mounds of dandruff clinging to his midnight blue suit. Here's a snippet of wisdom for ya; if you plan to ignore the fact that your scalp is falling off, wear pastels. It's easier on the eyes. And the stomach.

31.   Remote controls with 3 buttons you actually use, and 109 buttons that are just there to make the device seem more high-tech.

32.   Being asked,  "So....Hot enough for ya?" when it's a stifling 97 degrees in the shade. No, asshole, it's not. I prefer it when the heat can actually melt my flesh. THEN it's hot enough for me.

It's obvious to me that on a site meant to be a sanctuary from the so-called normal world, that everyone would havemore than their share of opinions. What most don't understand is that along with these opinions come counter-opinions. That's right, there's a slight chance that everyone in the world might not agree with your point of view. What should you do if this situation arises?

Should you whine defensively until a few people become motivated by fear of hurting or offending you to the point where they recant their opinion? Should you continue to beat a dead horse until someone feels sorry for you and placates you by agreeing or apologizing?? No, you move along, and continue thinking what you will.  Kick the dirt off your shoulder..., absorb what you feel applies to you, and ignore the rest.

The entire point of an opinion is to voice your view on a topic, and have the world assess your thoughts. This means that you should not get offended when someone makes an opinionated statement!!!

 Of course, we are civilized humans, so the opinions given should definitely be relevant to the topic at hand, and not inappropriate digs or misguided slander. We are here for support, so your opinions (whether passive or aggressive) should always be given with the underlying intention of helping another member. 

This is a public forum, and everyone should be entitled to think as they feel, but on the other hand as an opposite, everyone should be entitled to display how they feel about the opinions of another.

IT IS MY OPINION that if you can't deal with someone not agreeing, or replying with straightforward honesty (not stereotypical cliché bullshit), you should seriously ponder why you are posting your questions and comments here. ARE YOU HERE TO GIVE AND RECEIVE SUPPORT,  or are you just expecting everyone to yes you to death and high five every statement you make in an attempt to boost your ego?

ALSO - STAND BEHIND WHAT YOU SAY!!! Nothing infuriates me more than watching someone backpedal away from their original stated belief.  Of course, we all learn something new here EVERY DAY, so it's entirely possible that you may change your view on certain things.... That's to be expected. But don't be wishy-washy and waver back and forth, changing your opinion on a certain topic daily (or hourly!)... It's confusing to the people who are reading your posted thoughts, and you become contradictory and less likely to be taken seriously. 

And although I firmly believe that everyone should enjoy the freedom of sharing their thoughts, beliefs and opinions, it is definitely not okay to publicly assassinate a person's character based solely on your personal (and sometimes unwarranted) judgement of them.........

If you don't "click" with certain people, that's ok... it's pretty apparent that not everyone will hit it off.  But if you have no VALID reason for disliking a member of the group,  it's probably the best bet to bite your tongue, avoid that person and keep any petty personal attacks to yourself. After all, most of us have already dealt with the horror of high-school bullshit, right?

And if you decide that the world will stop spinning if everyone is not made aware of your moral disdain, don't be surprised when the person on the short end of your bashing stick stands up to defend themselves..  DUH...... Did you think they wouldn't? C'mon now.

So, how do we solve this ever-increasing problem? Why the answer is simple. Stop being so ignorant.

That's right, I said it. You're being ignorant. Open your eyes and stop moving your fingers for a second to realize that your own mindset is alienating you from what the rest  of the colorful world has to say.

Although some are not responsive to this, I think  it's a good start. And a start is always better than sitting there crying and alone.

Please be advised; strong language..... (what did you expect from ME???)  and of course you can expect some adult content!!!

Seeing as how we go to war for peace, why don't we try fucking for virginity? It makes about as much sense.

WHAT I REALIZED TODAY.... AND WHY   ( This story has a moral.......)

It was a fine morning with birds a-chirpin' and rabbits a-fuckin' ; and I was enjoying a much needed walk in the park with my dog. All of a sudden,  a revelation blind-sided me like a redneck would blindside his "bitch"  after she ate the last piece of beef jerky. This concept of life that would forever change my outlook on the world came in the form of a homeless man that happened to have only one ear and an eye patch.  He grabbed me and demanded spare change, as a stench unlike any other I have encountered seemed to waft through his pores, and he was partially covered in what appeared to be...shit.

I looked at him and after a long pause I told him,  "That's a mighty fine eye patch." I gave him 2 bucks (which is all I had on me) and I continued my walk into the world and went about my mundane Tuesday.

The point to this tale,  YES....THE POINT.....!!!  There is a moral to this story:

Watch the back of your fellow humans, and you'll end up as an incredibly better someone.

Uh oh.... Some one help me..... I think I'm going sane.

Generally I'm not in favor of rules. I don't understand all of them,  and that's fine, but I can still question why some rules are senseless... Hopefully I'll touch on more of these later, but for now,  lets get started:

Bullshit Rule #1: Don't fucking "swear": "Fuck", "shit", "pussy", "cunt", "dick", "bitch", "ass", and "cocksucker" are all off-fucking-limits. "Fudge", "shoot", and "darn" are all morally more beneficial and easier to digest; after all, they are coated in KY-Lingual lube that subsequently gets shoved up my ass everytime I stray from this sensitivty induced status-quo. But you'll have to excuse me if I get a little upset when A FEW LETTERS SPELLS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN POLITICAL CORRECTNESS AND CURSE -SPEWING DEGENERATES.  WOWIE PEOPLE,  LIGHTEN THE FUCK UP.

You'd think in a society such as ours in the USA, draped in violence laden news-at-10 top stories,  people might grow more callous towards "vulgarity"!!!  Why even give a fuck anymore right? Inconsistency hits me like a ton of fresh bricks, though,  when I get looked at like I'm bludgeoning  infants if I say "MOTHERFUCKER GODDAMN THATS SOME GOOD STEAK!" in a public place.  Another "murder at 10"  draws a sarcastic "boo-hoo," but I shout a "FUCK YOU!" and get crucified by the hypocrites . Yeah I said it, motherfuckers.

When will people learn it's not HOW you say something, it's WHAT you're saying. I can describe magestical beauty, littering the words "fuck" and "shit"  all over it and never miss a beat. But I can also insult you to your very core and never touch on the four letters of infamy. I wonder which would turn the righteous heads of the "I'm better than you" set...

Maybe if we paid a little more attention to substance rather than idiotic ettiquette we could all enjoy ourselves a little more. I'm sorry if fucking swearing fucking offends you, but frankly I'm offended that you're offended. Who the FUCK are you to determine the bounds that encompass a swear? I'm tired of catching some soccer mom's conservative "ass-kick of the eyes" because I said the word FUCK.  Maybe if these dumb fucking Parenting-For-Dummies book club member motherfuckers can make an effort to grow up and see past this magnificently asinine standard,  it might rub off on their kids, and we can foster in a new era of logically using a vocabularly without bullshit infantile restrictions. Fucking motherfuckers.

I designed a new method of smoking because I have had it UP TO HERE with people forcing their opinion of MY bad habit down my throat!!!! Who the hell are these people anyway? Don't they know that no matter how many times they say "You should really quit smoking" or "Smoking causes lung cancer" , blah blah blah..., I'm going to continue to do what I do? So in an effort to make them shut the fuck up, I came up with an idea......

It's like this:

You take some potato skins,  some orange peels, and some wheat grass and you roll it all up in an EZ-Wider.  We'll smoke  vitamins  people!!!! THAT WAY,  nobody can say JACK SHIT to me about my "nasty habit". 

From now on, I'll go to the store and be like "Yeah, can I get a pack of Centrum Silver Lights and a Diet Coke?.... Thanks."
 
Then later at the restaurant when I light up, and the old lady at the next table gives me a glare and that fake * COUGH COUGH*, I can say, "Hey - that's a nasty cough ya got there. Too bad you don't smoke.  And by the way, I see you're having steamed vegetables.... No nutrients in that! I bet you wish you had some of this * PUFF PUFF  * , don't ya?"

1.  Michael Vick

2. Customer Service people who provide everything BUT customer service

3. "Baby On Board" decals

4.  Whoopi Goldberg stickingup for Michael Vick

5. People who drive below the speed limit. Fuck off and pull over.

6. Two facedness. If you don't like me, don't pretend to. Do you see me making nicey nice to you, bitch?  Let's just agree to hate each other openly.

7. Right-to-Lifers. The little baby feet pins they peddle?   I'd like to take a pair of those little feet and kick them in the ass with it.

8. Radical Feminists who can't take a joke. Go home; shave your legs and wax the ‘stache... all that body hair is making you cranky

9. Passive Aggressive behavior... In other people. It's okay when I do it.

10. Blue Eyeshadow

11. Soccer Moms

12. People who order toasted bagels at the Dunkin Donuts Drive Thru. If you're eating that crap you NEED to WALK into the store to order it. It's a drive-thru, not five star dining. These people almost always drive minivans or SUV's and 99.99% of the time are soccer moms. Bitches. And they're holding up the line

13. Lawn Ornaments

14. People who insist on explaining anything and everything in excruciating he said/she said and then this happened and that happened detail. Skip the gristle and get to the bone please. Tick tock; time is money. Unless, of course, I'm the one telling the story...

15. Moral Superiority........
16. Moral Bankruptcy ......... 
   **There's a happy medium on this one - I've enjoyed it for years...

17. Rule Benders.... Grow some balls and blatantly break a rule, wouldja?

18. Pick up truck drivers who meticulously wax and buff their huge truck beds till they shine and never actually haul anything.  I thought pick up trucks were used to pick stuff up?

19. Perpetual Dieters. Put down the bag of Cheetos, get the hell off the couch and stop fooling yourself. The "All Processed and Fried All the Time" diet didn't work the last time, and I'll bet dollars to the bag of donuts you're hiding in your purse that you're not gonna see stellar results in this round either.

20. People who stand in line at Stop n Shop complaining quietly the ENTIRE TIME... "Huff Puff I don't believe this, why do they only have one clerk on a holiday weekend? This is ridiculous!" Shifting from one foot to another... blah blah motherfucking blah. Just shut up and do what I do: Complain loudly ONE time (swearing is optional) about how you don't have time to wait for a cashier to become competent; throw your shit on the counter and leave. It's way more liberating that way.  

21. Having someone read over my shoulder.

22. People who stack their plate in a neat little pile for a waitress at a restaurant, yet neglect to clear even one plate from the dinner table at home..

23. Political corruption

24. Political Correctness

25. Mothers who have no other points of conversation besides their adorable and highly advanced for their age children or their stretch marks, length of labor and c-section scars.

26. Pop up ads

27. People who pronounce lawn with a 'd' on the end of it.

28. A fresh loaf of bread placed at the BOTTOM of the grocery bag

29. People who are always early. It is just really rude.

30. People who make excuses for being early.

31. People who don't apologize for making YOU early.

32. Alcohol breath.  Unless it's MY alcohol breath - then it's fine.

 33. People who talk about you when you are still in the room. How rude...you are supposed to talk about people behind their back... it's called manners.

34. Retail clerks who don't acknowledge my royal presence.

35. People who insist on taking their 2 year old to grown up movies so we can all appreciate the lovely child more.

36. Excessive and unnecessary use of "quotation" marks

37. People who always talk about how honest they are. Truly honest people don't have to advertise. Honestly.