Diary

Ok, Mike's daughter has read quite a bit in the "Why Does He Do That" book, but she still doesn't see it. She sat at the dinner table and complained about him all through dinner lastnight. I kept asking her if she could hear herself, and also why would she want a man like her baby's father. He's emotionally, verbally and physically abusive. She replies, "I love hi

I guess I'm a little gun-shy. I made supper for Mike and I last night and he didn't like it. All it was was hamburgers - but he didn't like the seasoning. (He uses very little seasoning onanything.) Now I'm gun-shy to cook again. This isn't the first time he's not liked my cooking. I feel so terrible when he tells me something like that, like I can't do anything right.

I have to keep telling myself that I am good and I'm a smart person and I am capable of choosing a non-abusive man to date.
My twin sister has not e-mailed me since I asked her if shewas avoiding coming over to my house when I invited her. She's still angry at me and the whole family thinks I always date losers and will always date losers.
My older sister

This weekend, on Friday night, I turned my cell phone off and forgot it was off. On Saturday my Mother called me to invite me to a family cookout on Sunday, left a voice mail and asked that I call her back. - Well, since my phone was off I didn't know it and I didn't call her back. I discovered it late last night when I went to set the phone alarm to wake me up for work this morning. It

Things between my new bf and I are working out great. I've been looking for those red flags and I've so far seen none.

Problem is his 19 year old daughter, "A". As I mentionedbefore "A" has a baby boy, "J" who is 18 mos. old. They both live with my bf. She works at McDonalds on weekends and the rest of the time "takes care of the baby". She

I had a short but wonderful weekend. MIke asked if he could take me and my folks out to dinner on Sat. night. I was so surprised! None of my bf's ever wanted to take my folks out and pay for dinner! It was really nice. He was sort of shy through most of dinner, but then when my dad asked him about his adopted kids, he really opened up. Not bragging, but you can tell he really loves his

Saw my counselor yesterday. She may be releasing me soon.

It was a very good day, I have been accomplishing my goals - or at least changing the ones I can't accomplish at this time in my life. I feel much more organized than I have in years. I love my home, and thanks to Flylady it's a little more clean now, even though I still work over 40 hours a week -  I'm n

I ordered "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" for my Mom and sister to share. My Mom wants to read it first then she is going to suggest it to my sister. Mom has basically learned to livewith Dad, and he's not quite as bad as he used to be but she's curious about why he's that way.

My sister, on the other hand, is in denial about living with an abusive husband. That

My boyfriend and I went to my folks house on Memorial Day for a cookout. My brother-in-laws didn't say two words to him. My folks spoke to him a little, but I felt there was a tension there at this family gathering. I'm thinking that its because I'm dating again. It's easier for everyong to just see me alone at these things. They don't want things to change.

One of my

I had a good day with my counselor yesterday. I feel so much better now that I have my antidepressants adjusted.

She was proud of me for trying to avoid dating the "bad boy" type whenI told her about my recent dates with Mike. Its interesting, I don't think he's boring at all now - just peaceful, respectful, and not in a hurry to push this relationship. I don't know

I ordered the book about a Verbally Abusive Relationship for my Mother. She seemed interested in reading mine so I got her one of her own. I'm sure she'll see my Dad in there. I wish my sisterwould read it. She is still not very friendly with me. I'm not going to go out of my way to make up with her this time, though, because I didn't do anything to make her husband yell and act li

I know she's still angry for what I said to her husband, but he was out of control. My sister lives with a very verbally abusive man. When he's angry he rages and throws out the F-word withabandon. Well, I don't have to take that sort of language, even if she thinks she does. He was screaming into the phone at me and so I told him to go "F" himself. ... Yeah, I know i

I've decided to not make a decision about changing jobs right now. I have a friend in AA who always told me to use the H.A.L.T. method of making decisions. He would say never make a decision if youare Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired. I'm 3 out of 4!

Ok, so I have new meds to take. I'm hoping the depression will ease up some now.

Got so many chores done around the house this weekend with the help of a friend whom I've dated a few times. It feel like a huge weight has been lifted getting that stuff done. Also finished up my nephew's prom boquette for his girlfriend, and my niece's wedding stuff has all been finished. (I

I'm calling my doctor today to see if he will increase my anti-depressants. I couldn't even get up yesterday to go to work. I can't start doing that, I need my job. - Well, I need A jobanyway. But I can't keep up with this one much longer.

I've been such a good employee - always got good raises. There's just too much work now and the bottom line is: my boss doesn&

I've been dabbling around on-line looking at jobs in Florida. There are some graphics jobs open down there which make me curious, but I'm also scared.

I know I can't keep this currentwork pace up and I've got to do something but I'm not sure what to do.

My Florida trip was wonderful! I do soooo want to go back!

I found it interesting that none of my family called to see if I got home ok. St. Louis airport sustained heavy damage from a tornado, and that was where I flew out and in from. Ok, no problem.

Back on the fast track at work. Completely buried this morning!

Welllll, now that I've heard my older sister's opinions about my relationships, that just about covers the whole family - except Dad, who I avoid!

I KNOW if I asked my older sister noseyquestions like she has me, she would give me a scoul and tell me it's none of my business!

I am SO glad I'm going to Florida to get away from all the crazies!

He's started calling my land line now and leaving messages. I can't believe anything he says because he says so many contradictory things! Last night he was all sorry and mopey sounding. Well, I'm not falling for that and I'm not answering the phone! That man is NUTS!

I leave tomorrow for Florida for a few days. If the calls haven't stopped by the time I get back home,

Evidentially at some time or another he took some phone numbers out of my phone and has now called a male friend of mine and made threats. He doesn't want me communicating with any males thataren't family. I guess this is a last ditch effort to keep me isolated to himself - although I've already broken it off between us.

I discussed this with my counselor yesterday.

My brother-in-law is really angry with me lately. I was talking to my sister on the phone and I could hear him swearing at me in the background about my failed relationships and how I always chooseloosers. He was screaming the F word at me. My sister started in on me too because I "made" her husband upset and he was already under stress from other things anyway. I told her that if he

I've been reading the book "The Verbally Abusive Relationship: How to recognize it and how to respond". Its such an eye-opener. I always expected there was more to this emotionalabuse than my abuser knowing he's abusive and is able to stop. I'm finding out now that we really live in 2 different realities. Mine is a reality of mutuality and his is a reality of power ov

Missed work on Monday because I was so depressed. Been late to work on Tuesday and today. I just don't have anything to look forward to here, I am burned out. Taking a few days off at Easter, I needit bad!

I kept busy this weekend, but was very lonely and depressed. I called my doctor today to get my antidepressant increased. I checked out the depression support group on this site, but was more depressedwhen reading others stories.

Weekends are long for me. I don't have my computer hooked up because I'm not finished with the desk and there is no where to put it right now.

I can only get on-line and get to this websitewhen I'm at work during the week. I miss all of you and the support I get when I can't get to a computer. I pop on here several times a day when I'm feeling insecure about something

He texted me all night long. I was sleeping and didn't hear the texts come in on the phone so at least I got some sleep. He says everything will change this time, he loves me 100%. Man, I'veheard that so many times before, I'm just tired of the rollercoaster ride. Now how can a man say he loves me so much when a while back he was telling me how crazy and messed up I am. How I'm

I ordered the book "The Verbally Abusive Relationship: How to recognize it and how to respond". I can't wait until it gets here.

I am so down this week. Nothing is going right and I'm so burned out at work. Saw my counselor yesterday, she suggested maybe increasing my dosage of anti-depressant for while. She said I need to make time for me at lease once a week to do something I want to do for fun, but I don't even feel like I have that much time. I feel like I work my job and then go home and work on the house.

Painted on my desk last night, but didn't get much done because Sammy-dog was whining. He wouldn't come into the room to sit with me, he wanted me to come to the living room and hold him. Iknow I haven't paid much attention to him lately, and I feel bad. I don't know how single parents do it!!

I think he misses my ex too. He always used to play with him.... sometimes too m

I went to the scrapbook crop and got a lot done. Worked on my Heritage album, and my wine tasting book.

Then on Saturday I bought a desk at Office Max. They didn't have white so I am paintingall the millions of pieces before I put it together. I WILL have a white desk! I painted and kept busy all weekend, but I was very lonely.

I don't understand why it's so hard to put

Going out to a scrapbooking crop with my sister tonight. I am not at all organized and have nothing layed out to work on, I'll have to do that while I'm there. Its always a lot of laughs, though. It will keep me from getting lonely.

Talked to my counselor about the stress at my job. She said it might be God telling me to move on. Hmmm, don't know about that, but I'm going

Went home last night and did NOTHING. Just flopped. I was too tired to work on my studio and so I just turned on the TV and zoned out.

I am still lonely but I will not contact him. If I was withhim now he wouldn't understand that I have a cold and feel like crap anyway. His "illnesses" whatever they may have been were always 100 times worse than mine.

I remember one Sa

I was so lonely this weekend! I am so sick with a cold and not feeling very strong physically or mentally.

I worked on my studio a lot trying to get things rearranged so I can paint the walls. Now the whole reorganization mess has spilled into the rest of the house! Its very depressing. I went through what seemed like tons of old papers, shredding and filing - hasn't been done si

Had my annual physical yesterday - supposed to have it last December, but too much overtime at work. Anyway I finally just told the boss I was going, and quit asking for the time off.

My healthis good for being 55 except I now have osteopenia. I've been lactose intolerant for some time and I don't get enough calcium. So, doc prescribed pills I will take once a week to help the sit

Wow, it's so quiet at my house. It's so peaceful, I love it. I am so tired in the evenings from these 12 hour days at work - I don't get much done at home, but at least its peaceful.

Little Sammy (my dog) sleeps on the bed at night with his legs up in the air. When we lived at my EB's house he mostly had to sleep under the bed, and I would hear him crying during the night.

He's upset! He's listening to me and he's upset. We had a heart to heart yesterday and I told him we have different values and we are not compatible. He says he's going to work on all  that. He just doesn't want me to leave!!! (BULLCRAP!)

Today I get a text at work saying he wants to have a birthday party for his son (who is turning 21), and all his friends. He wa

How do we know when there is too much stress in our lives? We get so used to living in stress, dealing with Emotional Abusers, How do we know when it's too much?

Yesterday by the end of theday my bottom front teeth ached terribly. I tend to clench my teeth when I'm under stress. A couple of years ago I had to have a bone graft done to my chin because I had worn the bone away betwe

I'm halfway finished with the "Why Does He Do That" book. I read a lot this weekend and was happy when he wanted to just sit and read a book he bought too. (Nothing about self help, though.) With every page I read I could feel the determination building inside of me to leave him again.

On Sunday while he was watching TV, I got out my book to read again. Instantly he was tryi

Last night I found a photo of my house from a few years ago. I looked at and had tojust sit down and cry! In the photo it looks like love lives in that house. The lawn is mowed and flowers are planted. It looks happy and nurtured.

Well, love doesn't live there anymor

We're going away for a weekend. Sometimes I'm glad, sometimes I'm dreading it. But I'm so stressed out from working so much overtime I could scream! My boss even asked if I could workthis weekend! I told her I was going out of town.

Been reading the diet book I ordered. It talks a lot about stress in there and about eating to help your neurotransmitters. I really need that

Ok, I received the book, "Why Does He Do That?", but right now I'm in the middle of another book so I will have to wait. I looked through it and it already looks like it will be very helpful

I saw my counselor yesterday and told her about all the books I've been reading. She was very happy with me and wrote down some of the names of the books so she can check them out he

Well, I did it. I planned something just for ME! I bought airline tickets to Florida for a few days at the end of June. Going to down to visit an old friend I haven't seen in 20years!

The airfare is not refundable, but that's ok, I don't plan to change my mind. I will tell my EB, but not yet. Why should I listen to him rant and rave for 9 week

I am so tired of being strong! I've had so many people tell me I'm strong - and they act like it's a choice.

The only reason I remain strong is because I've never felt thereis anyone out there I could trust or lean on. The consequences of being weak would be death. If I was not strong I would be out in the street, I would have lost my home, my career, and my life

 

Ok, I don't know how we got on the conversation of hunting and trapping but we were talking about my ex-father in law working with trappers, preparing furs for the furriers..... Anyway...  he told me that when he was a kid, his buddies and he would throw rocks at the muskrats in the creek to kill them. So I asked him where they took the skins, and he says,

"Oh w

Ok, I'm 55 today, one more year closer to retirement. I so badly want to retire and get out of the rat race!!!!

My ex-husband left me a couple of years ago today. I know he did it just soI could remember this on my birthday for years. I am crabby, tired and overworked today and I DO NOT feel like wishing anyone here at work a happy valentines day.  Screw them all.

Ok, this is really spinning my head. My second husband has contacted me. He wants to stay in contact, and e-mail each other.

He was always a good husband, it was truely my fault for the divorce. I don't know what to do. I am glad he's in Florida, far enough away that it's not easy to get together. His wife has passed away recently and I'm wondering, is he just thinking abl

Stayed to work overtime because the state of the company is coming up. We are swamped and my partner at work left and went home. That erked me.

While I was working I started to feel nauseas. By the time I left work my stomach was really in destress. Got home and threw up my socks! I was SO sick. ..... and then HE started in.

I think I sat there and heard about every illness h

Had another argument this week end. This time he laughed sarcastically the whole time. - very odd, he's never done that before, must be a new approach to keep me off balance. I finally toldhim he acts like an ass when he drinks.

The argument started because I told him I wanted to take a couple of days off work and go somewhere by myself to de-stress from work and our relatio

This is a list I made with my counselor. Sometimes its good for me to review it:

I am:

• trying to find out who I am
• a Christian
• a lover of God
• a lover of Israel
• a lover of the fine arts: music, art, theater, dance
• an artist with a degree
• a woman
• an employee
• a hard worker
• generous
• often tired

Since I suffer from depression it is very hard for me to take the winter time. We've been dumped on by huge snow storms and I feel like I'm sufficating. It's very hard to get enough ambitionto do anything. This ugly time of year is really taking it's toll on my and I do so look forward to spring! I feel as though I am only making it one day at a time. I slug to work and slug home a

Came to work this morning to find a Facebook friend request on my computer. It's from an ex-husband of mine. WTF!!!??? This is a man who filed for divorce while I was in the hospital and tried to take me off of his benefits so I would have to pay the full bill myself.

What is he thinking????!!! I deleted it.

Dear Diary,
Ok, we're going to do this one last time. I've never said that before, but always went back with him anyway. This time it's different, this time it's the LAST TIME. I'm living in my own house now and I don't have to put up with abuse. I refuse to be a door mat. He swears he's changing (but has said that before, blaming me for his behavior), but this

Last night I dreamed my twin sister ans I were fighting. It was a fight to the death, a horrible thing, and then I woke up. It was very upsetting because even though I trust almost no one, she would bethe only one I would be able to talk to about some things.

This morning I woke up feeling empty. I've dragged myself to work all week, sort of like being on auto-pilot. I read where the stages of grief don't follow any particular order, but I am surprisedthat my mood seems to change daily. I've gone from sad to mad to numb and back to sad again in 3 days. This man is like a monkey on my back! I wish it would just end.

People

So I don't know what to do when I am so totally, totally lonesome that I could die.

I got a book in the mail that I had ordered. It's called "It's My Life Now" by Meg Kennedy Dugan & Roger R Hock. It is so GOOD! I read almost half of it last night! It's directedtoward people who have left their abuser and are trying to recover and go on. I believe it's in the suggested reading list on the site.

Now he doesn't want to part with any "hard feelings"! 
"Heck, maybe we can date once in awhile," he says!

BULL! I know what he wants from me once in awhile and it's more than a date. I know he never dates more than one girl at a time, and I also know he sleeps with them all if he can! He bragged to me about how they all came back for more. He was suc

Went to see my counselor last night. She said I looked tired. Everyone says I look tired - I AM tired.

I had wanted to take a couple of days and go to a nice hotel with a hot tub just to get away and relax, but a winter storm is coming and I doubt I'll get to go this weekend. I hate driving in that stuff. I'll save the trip for another weekend.

Told my counselor about leavin

Today I got "fan mail" from a fruit cake.

If this is a sign of how my day is going to go, I might as well have stayed in bed.

I have a counseling session this afternoon. My counselordoesn't know I left my fiance, so it will be news to her. I am so depressed - I hope its only because of me moving out.  I don't feel like cleaning house or getting anything organ