Diane

Wow...seems like I keep coming back here.  Just to journal.  Nice to be able to do that and get some feedback.  I am doing well...going on 8 months being on my own...being a single mom.  Working full time, raising a child, putting her through braces...financial...ugh! I am very fortunate that I have just enough money to make ends meet and have the things I want..not necessarily everything I want, but most things.  I am comfortable living by myself.  I have a roller coaster sometimes...trying to get this stupid divorce finished up...really getting on my nerves!  Everything else...I pretty much have put away in a dresser drawer and all is in a nice, neat place.  I have worked on myself soooo much over the last 6 months and I am happy with myself...I don't need anyone to help me make it in any way.  Self sufficient.  Confident in that.  I have so much gratitude that I have a great job, things that I need and want, my daughter is as easy as they come to raise.  I have sown some wild oats.....something I have never done my whole life and at 45 I guess it's about time! lol!  Has felt good to do that.  I have dated around a bit and enjoyed.  I have met someone that is quite a bit younger than I am, but is so considerate and respectful of me.  It is so refreshing, so wonderful and so what I need right now.  I am still a little suspicious and I know this is because of the emotionally abusive relationship that I was in...keeps you on guard and a little warry...which in all can be a good thing.  We are dating now and I love spending time with him...smart, funny, so cute I could just eat him up.   So....all of this sounds like my life is really together...and I guess it is....the only thing I have a problem with and maybe this is because I just learned this about myself today....I am self sufficient...I don't need anyone for anything in order to live and survive....what I am missing is that one point in my life where I felt safe, secure and protected.  I have racked my brain and I can't remember a single time that I felt safe, secure and protected.....I think one I get to a point in my life where I can feel that within myself, maybe.....then I will be completely healed.....I know I have to find this within myself and I have it just a little, but not enough....once I find this in myself, I will be able to find it and trust it in a man....someone that I can trust that safe, secure, protected feeling that you feel...comfort and trust....I so yearn for that.