Why wear a ribbon?

"For my mother(Rosemary Sharkey), who lost her fight to colon cancer" (sosmary)

MDJunction to me

"MDJunction to me is a life saver... when i first was diagnosed with Scheuermann's Disease i wrote a message to a page i found on google, hoping that they could help me.... you'd never know it but that weird feeling (you know that one where it feels like someone actually cares) came over me when i opened my email next day to find that someone on the other side of the world (at the American Medical Library)had read my message while i was sleeping, and there low and behold was the address to MDJunction.... well it is everything to me, i live it breathe it and love it!!!!! I have found many people who are struggling with similar issues banding together to help each other. It is the best place in the world, and i couldn't think of another place to go to meet so many lovely people....

thanks MDJunction" (cinderella)

more testimonials

Depression on top of all my diseases?

Currently diagnosed with migraines, CFS, Hashimoto's, IBS, Raynaud's, TMJ, Asperger's, anxiety and fibromyalgia.

I'm an autistic stereotype.

Jan 01 2011

I'm the worst-case scenario for people trying to understand what Asperger's and / or autism really is. I'm the anomaly... and it's sure to scare a lot of people. Pondering in the shower, I realized ...

I have no empathy. Most people with autism do have empathy, believe me. In the past few weeks, I've seen a close friend of my parents die, and I felt nothing towards the people grieving. I couldn't understand what they were feeling at all. I suppose this could mean a bigger problem in the greater scheme of things...
I don't feel love. I have to be careful how to explain this, because I want to make sure I'm not saying I can't love anyone. (That may be true, but I don't know that for sure yet.) I'm referring to not being able to feel/recognize when someone is expressing love. I can't feel it from family, parents, anyone. I know this doesn't mean I'm unloved, because I'm not. But I have to run a physics equation through my head to even recognize that someone does care for me. It's never obvious to me...
I've never been happy in my life. Ever. It sounds really stupid to normal people, but I mistook exhaustion for happiness until I came down with fibromyalgia. Never having any friends couldn't have helped this, but even when I was doing things that were supposed to make me happy when I was younger, they mostly just kept me from bashing my head in a wall. Or thinking about how many people at school despised me.

I suppose I'm an autistic stereotype in other ways, since I have severe sensory issues and social skills that are on par with a seven-year old's (former therapist's words, not mine). But I'm the emotionless robotic alien some people think all autistics are. And I'm practically silent nowadays too. Double whammy.

I'm okay with this being my life about 80% of the time. 20% of the time I think this life stinks and cry for no reason. I don't know what to do...

Previous diary posts by Seventeen:

Rough Times
Wisdom Teeth are OUT
Anxiety Attack
Graduated from High School, But Don't Care
Asperger's

Rejection
I inherited my parents' heartburn. Great.
My life as a loner
No more junk food
Going the herbal route, maybe.

Comments (5) Add Comment

written by Kristie1972, January 02, 2011

i want to thank you for writing this. you have helped me more than you will ever know. i feel for you. yet you have answered so many questions for me. you just described my son as if you knew him personaly. wow. this is one of the things they never said that he has. but just like what you wrote. that is him to a T... again thank you from the bottom of my heart

written by shellylemay, January 02, 2011

Wow... this really does describe my husband. He as well does not feel loved and he as well has depression and has never been happy in his life. He has Asperger's,Depression and Anxiety.

Thanks

written by Seventeen, January 03, 2011

Well, I'm glad this helped somebody. I wasn't sure if this one would even get read ...

written by scorpioj, January 03, 2011

Thank you for sharing this with everyone. I have worked with children with autism (when I was a Child and Youth Worker)and I know this will help anyone who is much closer to someone with autism than a caring worker.It is a challenge to convey to them that they are loved and to make them feel emotionally connected. Parents, spouses and siblings have much more emotional investment and need support and feedback to know that.

written by missymoo918, January 06, 2011

What you just wrote was heartfelt and poetic. Thank you for putting into words the feelings that are so hard for autistic individuals to express (young or old).