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Sylvia4648"I have suffered from depression most of my life, but had some long, non-depressed times. The last 16 years have been an on-going, constantly worsening nightmare for me medically, socially and with my family. 11/2008 to the present has been the worst time in my life, and new things just keep piling up. During that time I've gone from being mostly homebound to being totally homebound due to the errors of about 2 dozen doctors who overmedicated me so badly that I came home w/ 4 conditions I didn't go in with. I spent months wanting to die, and finding MDJ may well have saved my life. It's one of the worst feelings to know that nobody on earth needs you for anything; but now that I've been a group leader for awhile, there are people here who need me. Thanks MDJ." (Sylvia4648)

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Seventeen Currently diagnosed with migraines, CFS, Hashimoto's, IBS, Raynaud's, TMJ, Asperger's, anxiety and fibromyalgia.


I'm an autistic stereotype.

Jan 01 2011

I'm the worst-case scenario for people trying to understand what Asperger's and / or autism really is. I'm the anomaly... and it's sure to scare a lot of people. Pondering in the shower, I realized ...

  1.  I have no empathy. Most people with autism do have empathy, believe me. In the past few weeks, I've seen a close friend of my parents die, and I felt nothing towards the people grieving. I couldn't understand what they were feeling at all. I suppose this could mean a bigger problem in the greater scheme of things...
  2. I don't feel love. I have to be careful how to explain this, because I want to make sure I'm not saying I can't love anyone. (That may be true, but I don't know that for sure yet.) I'm referring to not being able to feel/recognize when someone is expressing love. I can't feel it from family, parents, anyone. I know this doesn't mean I'm unloved, because I'm not. But I have to run a physics equation through my head to even recognize that someone does care for me. It's never obvious to me...
  3. I've never been happy in my life. Ever. It sounds really stupid to normal people, but I mistook exhaustion for happiness until I came down with fibromyalgia. Never having any friends couldn't have helped this, but even when I was doing things that were supposed to make me happy when I was younger, they mostly just kept me from bashing my head in a wall. Or thinking about how many people at school despised me.

I suppose I'm an autistic stereotype in other ways, since I have severe sensory issues and social skills that are on par with a seven-year old's (former therapist's words, not mine).  But I'm the emotionless robotic alien some people think all autistics are. And I'm practically silent nowadays too. Double whammy. 

I'm okay with this being my life about 80% of the time. 20% of the time I think this life stinks and cry for no reason. I don't know what to do...



Previous diary posts by Seventeen:
Comments (5)Add Comment
written by Kristie1972, January 02, 2011
i want to thank you for writing this. you have helped me more than you will ever know. i feel for you. yet you have answered so many questions for me. you just described my son as if you knew him personaly. wow. this is one of the things they never said that he has. but just like what you wrote. that is him to a T... again thank you from the bottom of my heart
written by shellylemay, January 02, 2011
Wow... this really does describe my husband. He as well does not feel loved and he as well has depression and has never been happy in his life. He has Asperger's,Depression and Anxiety.

Thanks
written by Seventeen, January 03, 2011
Well, I'm glad this helped somebody. I wasn't sure if this one would even get read ...
written by scorpioj, January 03, 2011
Thank you for sharing this with everyone. I have worked with children with autism (when I was a Child and Youth Worker)and I know this will help anyone who is much closer to someone with autism than a caring worker.It is a challenge to convey to them that they are loved and to make them feel emotionally connected. Parents, spouses and siblings have much more emotional investment and need support and feedback to know that.
written by missymoo918, January 06, 2011
What you just wrote was heartfelt and poetic. Thank you for putting into words the feelings that are so hard for autistic individuals to express (young or old).


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