|Jan 01 2011|
I'm the worst-case scenario for people trying to understand what Asperger's and / or autism really is. I'm the anomaly... and it's sure to scare a lot of people. Pondering in the shower, I realized ...
- I have no empathy. Most people with autism do have empathy, believe me. In the past few weeks, I've seen a close friend of my parents die, and I felt nothing towards the people grieving. I couldn't understand what they were feeling at all. I suppose this could mean a bigger problem in the greater scheme of things...
- I don't feel love. I have to be careful how to explain this, because I want to make sure I'm not saying I can't love anyone. (That may be true, but I don't know that for sure yet.) I'm referring to not being able to feel/recognize when someone is expressing love. I can't feel it from family, parents, anyone. I know this doesn't mean I'm unloved, because I'm not. But I have to run a physics equation through my head to even recognize that someone does care for me. It's never obvious to me...
- I've never been happy in my life. Ever. It sounds really stupid to normal people, but I mistook exhaustion for happiness until I came down with fibromyalgia. Never having any friends couldn't have helped this, but even when I was doing things that were supposed to make me happy when I was younger, they mostly just kept me from bashing my head in a wall. Or thinking about how many people at school despised me.
I suppose I'm an autistic stereotype in other ways, since I have severe sensory issues and social skills that are on par with a seven-year old's (former therapist's words, not mine). But I'm the emotionless robotic alien some people think all autistics are. And I'm practically silent nowadays too. Double whammy.
I'm okay with this being my life about 80% of the time. 20% of the time I think this life stinks and cry for no reason. I don't know what to do...
Wisdom Teeth are OUT
Graduated from High School, But Don't Care
I inherited my parents' heartburn. Great.
My life as a loner
No more junk food
Going the herbal route, maybe.
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