Deepness within

Leaping forward, leaning backwards, sitting still, they are all actions we chose to take. Always looking back, I guess I am affraid to let it all go, affraid it will happen again. Affraid to allow my new beginning to be just that, my new chapter. A chapter of better things, a better life, all the fear I wish to trap back behind me in the left chapters. Affraid if I let it stay unwatched behind me, that it will sneak up from behind me and jump ahead, that it will reface and show that I can not let it go. Turn the page, no more worries, it is safe here... Is it really? Is it safe to exhale, to breathe with out the thurns sticking me and causing me to gasp? Am I really free from it, is there really a such thing as a new chapter, my new beginning? Have I truly reached a safe place away from it all, is this for real? Unable to tell if it is gone for good. I think I know it is, I think its truly okay now...but scared to allow myself to believe it. I dont want it to hit me by not watching, by trusting, by allowing love to rule me forward. DAMN, please let me free. PLEASE! They say you will know, is it now? Have I really found something as great as it looks, as it feels, as it sounds??? What if it is, how do "I" accept it? How can I not ruin it by the fears from befor? Safe thus far, feels safe just to be near him. Racing thoughts of relief, racing of forgetting, is it possible to truly move forward? I think so, I look through the chapters and scream, yelling not one more day YOU will haunt me I release you from my fears, you will and can not have me another moment, your destruction has had my life, now release me, I'm done with you all! I am better now, I am better with out you. Your words, aweful touches and relentless moments are forever gone, I may grace you on my down days but you are unable to rule me or my thoughts-not for even a second longer. Good BYE! I AM FREE OF YOU! You were nothing but misery and pain. I am nothing but happiness and love, you have no place here.