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Dear friend

Been sleeping good lately, I think the meds are finally kicking in and I have good energy and good motivation and a good attitude. Starting to see that all my issues are NOT me and that my kids are a big part of my depression. I have felt guilty over the years from my behavior and have allowed my kids to walk all over me and the time has come to say NO MORE! I had a phone conversation last night with my oldest and she just went off on me with an attitude cause she is "stressed" out well we all get stressed and I didn't deserveher attitude especially when I go out of my way to help her and hand her things to help her out. NO MORE! I am living alone now and I realize I have to live for me and not these kids anymore-they are young adults and if they have issues it is their issues and not mine and I don't have to own them or feel guilty about them anymore. If they are depressed they can certainly see a doctor like me and it is their responsibility to take their own meds. I am sober and I like it and people like me better too. It is rough at times especially when I get upset like last night but I cried and then I got assertive and spoke up and said NO more! I want to stay away from them but that is childish and not good for any of us but I will walk out of the situation if it happens again. I will NOT let a child talk to me the way she did last night again. I don't deserve it and I have come too far to let someone kncok me off my square. I will be an example of an adult and will assert myself and not allow ANYONE to hurt me or my feelings.

Resentments suck

Feb 14 2011

I'm feeling lonely and left out!!!!My oldest daughter promised to take me to the Cheesecake Factory for dinner not less than a week ago. I called her last night to see what her, my youngest and mygrandson where doing for Valentine's Day and they said they were going to a movie. I was siappointed by got over it and made plans for myslef for a nice dinner and a quiet evening at home. I just got on Facebook and my youngest posted she was at the CHeesecake Factory with her Valentine's meaning her sister and nephew having dinner. I feel left out and betrayed. They not only did not include me in their plans like we had discussed over a week ago they lied about it WHY? I feel resentful and alone! Am I an embarrassment? Did they do this on purpose to hurt me and my feelings some more after last weeks rantings and raving directed at me? WHy do I care?Why should I give a flying fuck?Guess I need more time to heal after this one and I need to get over these resentments or I'll drink again in fact I feel like drinking right now but I'm not going to give them that much credit for controlling my feelings.FUCK I'm pissed right now!!!!!

Previous diary posts by BPB:

Drinking is lonely business

Dear friend

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