|May 26 2010|
Today ... I think reality is gaining ground on my shock/pseudo denial, just running it down. I've been living in some hazy state of being able to speak about what the real deal is but then not really grasping it in my gut and heart -- which is really saying something since I've already felt heartbroken for awhile now.
This is more, I dunno, final ... like, this is it. It's over, bud. You can pine away all you want. It's gone. Kaput. History.
I have a hard time letting go, especially when I have so much more to give. But in situations like this, it really doesn't come down to what I can give anymore. Maybe what I did or didn't in the past played factor, but my "potential" means nothing now.
As crushed as I was with divorce 7 years ago, I didn't have to look back with regret, wondering if I had only put in more then maybe things would have worked out. It wasn't possible to put in any more in that case.
In this one, yes. No doubt about it. So, I'm left to wonder ... yet also realize that means nothing. It's over.
Time to move on ... but, well, that's not my specialty. In this case, wow, I just have memories flooding back to me. Just everyday, normal stuff. Nothing spectacular. More like remembering the daily life of a marriage, which this certainly was more of one the last 5 years than my actual marriage of 12 years.
Usually, I get a big lift or relief after working out, but it ain't happening today/tonight. The weather might be factoring as well; it was in the 90s when I worked out, and, wow, did that take a lot out of me.
I'm sure it's tiring to keep reading about the same stuff on here. It's exhausting to me to keep writing it -- unfortunately, that's all that is going on for me of late.
Wow, I just can't believe I lost another family ... and, yet, I have. That's the reality.
Another day ...
Support group ...
Well, hello, shakes ... it's been awhile
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