Diary Entries for MiaTortia

NEW FACEBOOK SITE

MiaTortia

for those who are on facebook,please visit the new BPD site ive built(still under construction,btw):

http://www.facebook.com/home.php#!/pages/Borderline-Personality-Disorder/119884684758638

Im Baaaaaack.....

MiaTortia

Its been months since my last entry.Hell its been months since I last logged in! I guess,with all the shit thats been goin on that I had decided to "write off" MDJ bc I felt like it wasntreally making a difference for me. I suppose I had reached the bottom of the totem pole,was in a really dark place for a long time, and just didnt want to put forth the effort anymore...for months now(things are just barely calming down for me)Ive been on this rollercoaster thru hell,and I started c [...]

My First Inpatient Hospitalization

MiaTortia

So i had a nervous breakdown last friday,and i decided i was going to kill myself.so i called my therapist...she refered me to a mental hospital,i went,and was there til Mon afternoon.the hospital keptan eye on me,but there wasnt any therapy offered,and group was piss poor.I freakt out cuz the girl i have everything in common with broke it off with me(im still devastated)but now im signed up for intensive outpatient dbt therapy 3x a week.....and im also in the middle of moving into my new apt(ex [...]

WootWoot!

MiaTortia

So,over the weekend I received a letter in the mail from my work stating that I was getting a "title change"and that included additional responsibility and a raise(in other words,a promotion!)the raise wasnt by much,but,hell,its still a raise and its still cool!Also, ive fallen in love,with a younger girl(again)I call her Mouse and shes 23...(i gave her that nickname cause shes little,and dark hair/eyes)i worry she may be borderline tho...she had the EXACT upbringing as me,and behaves [...]

=,(

MiaTortia

im gunna not be online for a few days...im in a depression-hole and idk how to get out...not really in mood to discuss/advocate or whatnot...have good week all...

C-PTSD

MiaTortia

so i had therapy again yesterday(my sessions r on Wednesdays)and my therapist got me to cry dammit...lol...ne how,near the end of our chat,she said that she believes me to suffer from complex ptsd....(ive heard of ptsd,an i figured i had that)but i wasnt even familiar with the complex ptsd..which she says she believes i have due to ongoing severe physical and verbal abuse as a child(i told her story of when my mom whackt me a good one across the face when i was 3yrs and it bloodied my mouth)of c [...]

The Epitome of My Relationships

MiaTortia

Everytime-Britney Spears

Notice me
Take my hand
Why are we
Strangers when
Our love is strong
Why carry on without me?

Everytime I tryto fly
I fall without my wings
I feel so small
I guess I need you baby
And everytime I see you in my dreams
I see your face, it's haunting me
I guess I need you baby

I make believe
That you are here
It's the only way
I see clear
What have I done
You se [...]

A dedication for my mom.....

MiaTortia

I will not make the same mistakes that you did
I will not let myself
Cause my heart so much misery
I will not break the way you did,
You fell so hard
I've learnedthe hard way
To never let it get that far

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you

blegh

MiaTortia

im really starting to resent this site...dont know how much longer ill visit/participate in discussions...seems almost cliquish and competitive at times.....i been a member for a few months an dont feellike im gettin ne where using this site......

Random

MiaTortia

Ticking clock

Time has stopped

The voice is soft

But theres no one upstairs...

Black and white

Another fight

Im always right

So I'll sleep alone tonight...

Who am I?

Why do I try

Its in my head

These fears i dread....

no more....

MiaTortia

one by one i am picking off ne body i use to consider a friend.i am SO FUCKIN TIRED of doin all the work to keep my friendships alive.....i give give give,an they take take take....i dont need friends.i dont need ANYONE.fuck all yall.

Dr Marla Kuhn

MiaTortia

So, i got my very first DBT appt with Dr kuhn here in Tucson on May 5th(hey!thats cinco de mayo-haha)and im a lil nervous cause i have NO IDEA what this entails...but,in the meantime,im tryingto remember to take my meds everyday(i havent been lately,so absentminded from my brain being clambaked from all the pot i ben smokin)but,it seems i may have to quit smoking sooner then i planned cause my bronchitis has returned(i had it back in dec)and it really bums me out cause i hate goin to the dr,an i [...]

hopeless

MiaTortia

havent been on much lately cuz i jus dont feel like this site is helping...everything just seems hopeless and i havent really drank much lately,but last week i came crashing down emotionally becuz a girli fell for broke my fukin heart,so the next evening,i went to my old booty calls apt,got coked out,drunk,stoned....then past out an called in sick for work...theres so much thats been goin on lately, phx pride was last weekend i was spoz to go with "her" but didnt then after weekend she [...]

SI tonite

MiaTortia

my puppy love from HS called me pyscho on facebook today.he said that me bein pyscho was the reason he"didnt want to associate with me"then,this girl i had feelings for,just finisht calling me a crazy bitch and her brother called me a stalker even tho she was the one stalking me.....i cant believe this is how ppl see me...not for my good qualities-just my bad...so why bother?they all wanna fukin call me crazy-ILL FUCKIN SHOW EM CRAZY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Emotionally Distraught

MiaTortia

im not having a BAD day,but its certainly not a GOOD day.I have so much on my mind,i have so much on my plate,im emotionally exhausted an i dunno wut to do....my meds arent helping...dbt therapy is onlyoffered during the hours that i have to work,and im payin for kickboxing classes but dont have the energy to go...i met a girl i like,problem is,shes in love with her MARRIED ex...im really just so.....my ex wife,Crystal,she use to handle all the bills,she always pickt up my slack,an now shes gone [...]

Ron Burgundy says NO!

MiaTortia

Lmfao...i love that movie...so even though i dont feel like journaling today,an im not sure what to write about,ima do it ne way cuz its good therapy...past few days have been crazy...@ this exact momentim on cloud nine because im @ work,an a coworker from another site that i have a mega crush on is @ MY site today!im excited n nervous,n selfconscious cuz i didnt do my hair or makeup today!if id only KNOWN she would be here...agh,cest la vie...yesterday was a decent workday,and although i STILL [...]

...........

MiaTortia

ina dark place today....dont really feel like typin shit.only doin it cuz i havent in a few days....i hate being in love with sumone who wants to be just friends,i hate that im all alone in this city,i hate that my mom is homeless and i cant help,starting to hate my job,I HATE I HATE I HATE I HATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

No Phone=No Bueno

MiaTortia

Its been two days since my phone was shut off...gawd i hate that woman who gave birth to me...i musta REALLY fucktup in a former life,cuz this one is just one great big hot carl but without the lovemaking.lmao.work sux.most people omplain bout bein too busy,here im complaining cuz its too fuckin SLOW!if the company didnt block practically EVERYTHING on the web,i could at least play on facebook or myspace to pass the time.OH BUT NO!no soup fo me!i get to sit here an stare off into oblivion.... [...]

Manic Monday

MiaTortia

Talk about a bad case of the Mondays(for those who didnt get the reference-i jacked that from OfficeSpace)Yesterday SUCKT.Work was dead as a doornail,I fought with the only friend I have here in Tucson,and me and my mom got into it bad because even though i paid MY HALF of the phone bill(50 bux)she didnt pay hers(40 bux)so OUR phones are shut off cuz theyre in her name.I went off on her cause right away when I askt why my phones shut off and if she paid bill,she acosted me!So I started yell [...]

My weekend

MiaTortia

This last weekend was strange....i didnt have any episodes,persay(at one point,i was sobbing,but a sad song was playing)Fri nite i went to my "fwb" place,an we had fun,got stoned an played monopoly(gotta lotta laffs in)then we were woke up at 3 am cuz her sis in laws coked out boyfriend busted her face up and broke her toilet.so we spent the whole earlier morning and next day keeping her company.the hard part(aside from the poor girl gettin her ass whooped)was doing the whole &qu [...]