Daily log

Texted her about how upset I was about not talking to the kids on Christmas, and about feeling disrespected that she ignored my text, she says that she did text me back, and that I just didn’t get the text, and said she was sorry but nothing she could do. I said it was ok, and i was sorry for being upset.

I sent her another text, asking if I could send her an email  with some of the information i have found since seeing a psychiatrist , she said 

 "Having explanations does not change the behavior you had, I am not sure that is something i need to see" 

I said

"I am sorry you feel that way, i had hoped that with understanding  we could find forgiveness"

 and her reply that broke my heart

"Maybe at some point that might be possible, but I am not interested right now”

 Now, it should be noted that prior to the lithium, i would have taken this very personally, and would have found it to be an imminent crisis and sent her 20 text messages trying to change her mind, it would have been the most important thing in the world, id have probably even called and left her voice mails telling her that she just didn’t understand how sorry I was, and if she would just put some effort in she would see it my way and it would be ok, Or i might have threatened her, telling her id go for custody of the kids, or make her take them full time (yes, i have threatened her in the past with making her take full custody)

 Today, i said, "Ok, I really am sorry"

Then i went and took a nap,  got up and went to have dinner at my moms.

I am a bit proud of myself, i think it shows progress, but it is devastating to me, i am to get neither her love, nor her friendship, and not even forgiveness.  

I may have other problems bedsides bipolar and anxiety, I cannot let go, I miss her every day, and I don’t think I will ever feel right without her. In a few days it will be a year since ive touched a woman, not even a simple hug or a held hand. I simply do not want another woman, I have been in love with her since I was 18 and I think I will be in love with her until I die, is that part of my mental illness? Or is that how love should be? Even when she is with some one else, I will still love her, and will just have to find a way to make it stop hurting and keep the hurt from turning into anger, I am not sure how to do that, but I have to for my own sake as well as for my children.