Diary Entries for somethingdif

April 30 2012

somethingdif

Today life is getting better. It would seem that I'm now on the right combination of meds for me and making my way into a bright sunny day.

That was a long and torturous 8 weekjourney of personal turmoil tribulations. But having conquered this relapse is only the beginning.

Now I have to learn as much as I can to avoid a relapse again. Having done it twice in 10 years. I never want to experience that kind of pain again. Hopefully, I can avoid it. No, If I Can I WIL [...]

April 29 2012

somethingdif

The anti wellbutrin is finally starting to work well. I've come out of the dark clouds into white clouds now it's a nice light fog remaining. I know I will be seeing the sun again verysoon, probably within a week from now.

No major mood swings anymore, The valproic acid must be working at 1500mg per day which is not a high dose.

My nerves are still shot though. hopefully overcome that as I get better.

My prayers and wishes to everyone who needs it. Yours [...]

Slow to keep up April 25 2012

somethingdif

Well since my last diary entry I had to go to the hospital and see a Pdoc. My referral to one still hasn't gone through. He said my Mdoc put me on the right stuff just no anti depressants.

So now I'm just starting to feel better. I knew something was missing. Anyway, It's only been 2 weeks since hospital so the meds are just kicking in now and my Mdoc doubled the dose.

No more black thoughts. Just dealing with shot nerves, jumpiness if something touche [...]

April 15 2010

somethingdif

400 am wake up. usual sleep do remember waking a few times but nothing drastic.

Started Wellbutrin today.

With 10 being lowest I'm about 7 today. Still crying and stuff. Pretty downbut keep on pluggin away is the theme of the day.

The day was OK. Very mellow and low but ok, no major problems to complain about. Went for a bunch of short walks too. Hoping tomorrow, even though it looks like rain, will be a better day.

Oh, and start group therapy tomorrow. [...]

April 14 2012

somethingdif

Spent the whole day in the hospital and finally went through the system to see a Pdoc.

Guess what??

He told me my Mdoc has the medication fine. He just forgot to include an anti depressant. Wow! how simple that is. Filled Prescrip and start that one tomorrow. Pdoc there said in about 10 days things should START to look up.

I feel like I accomplished something just wish I felt good about it. I know I accomplished something big, but the depression wont let me feel good [...]

April 13 2012

somethingdif

Gave up today. Sick and tired of doing ALL the right things and not feeling any better. So I'm just sitting in front of the computer all day.

did so.

5pm bull crap. I'm into week five and not giving in now. Tomorrow going to go see the Pdoc at the hospital. I'm still waiting for my referal to go through so I've only got my Mdoc.

1030 bed time.

April 12 2012

somethingdif

Up at 341 am. took meds.

General feeling mediocrity. I'll start morning swimming next week. I'm going to attempt to ride my bike today if it doesn't rain.

I'm not enjoying living with this mental illness anymore. Not satisfactory, not happy.

I've been a good person my whole life and ended up in shit. I will continue to be a good person no matter what so I guess that means I will continue to end up in shit. I look back and care to [...]

April 11 2012

somethingdif

Nothing to write.

Stayed in bed sleeping the entire day litterally. Took meds, ate for half hour, and washroom breaks whenever I woke up.

Stayed in bed. Lot's of weird dreamsbut nothing worth remembering.

april 10 2012

somethingdif

430 up going to take meds in a minute

had breakfast. going to see doctor at 1100.

I'm still pretty low. Find myself triggering on missing my kids. Also had a lucid dream last night of some lady I don't know yelling at me all night long and the only thing she kept saying was " I know what ya got". she even screamed it at times. but just said it over and over and over. no other dreams, just that.

I really really really reallllllly hate this shit and ev [...]

April 09 2012

somethingdif

4 am up and meds. feel ok. expecting the stumbling blocks today as it is the way it's been.

MDoc today at 1100 so see how that goes. taking him my journal printed out and see if he wants to read it.

Asking about serax and celexa see what he says.

I'm going to go draw now, it relaxes me.

9am went over to mom and dads for visit the visit went well. Everyone was pretty light hearted. My sister even dropped by.

930 am My dad invited me to co [...]

April 08 2012

somethingdif

330 am woke up. took meds. been on the computer with no enthusiasm but I am hanging in there. Trying to not think about today nor tomorrow, just the present.

I still have the willpower to strugglewith this. Trying to establish and follow some sort of schedule.

I still have this feeling that something is wrong with my head other than the obvious. This relapse feels different. Not sure what it is or if I just need more meds. but something isn't right.

My room mate is a hu [...]

April 07 2012

somethingdif

4 am meds time. and I'm up. Feeling the ususal looming knife edge again.

Today I'm going to a friends garage sale this morning and visit. (no matter what)

My energy is low still, walking is like walking with lead shoes on.

100 pm went to friends had lead shoes, everything was so blah. I went for a walk alone through the village and it was ok. got back to his place appoloagized and left for home. got home cooked lunch.

Scale 1=10 10 being lowes [...]

April 06 2012

somethingdif

422 am up and on. Took meds. feeling middle of the road today. Like I'm balancing on a knife edge. It's a little nerve racking. Just going to see what happens.

It's goodfriday and friends have invited me out for the day. Good friends who don't understand but support me anyway. I may go with them to see how it goes. Depends on the knife edge feeling too, or it could help push me to the good side. lol.

I've been off of work for week 5 now and it [...]

April 05 2012

somethingdif

It's 400am I slept in. yeah right. I'm starting to realize that I beat myself up verbally in the mornings leading to my lows. With that in mind I will try to avoid those thoughts.

Havea counselling appointment to go to this afternoon. isn't until 2pm so I'm just going to take it easy until then cause that's usually my nap time.

Also going to look into group thereapy right away instead of June start.

Still 5 days to visit MD. Hopefully, he has gotten me a [...]

April 04 2012

somethingdif

3 am up. took meds. not going swimming. dont give a 'rats' ass if I do. I'm a burning ball of hate right now and trying to deal with that.

Having breakfast and then walking again I guess until it goes away. Being around people right now will just push me over the edge.

Generally, very low in feeling. Had a good sleep though. But you know Since this all has begun again I've been dreaming in heavy metal style animation and that's b [...]

April 03 2012

somethingdif

Well, I'm up. 4 am meds and my two cups o coffee.

Feeling o.k.

Last night after going to bed had another low cried for quite awhile about nothing. Not true, cried about being sick and tired of this mental crap.

This morning I'm good so far. not hungry though.

Good times are over, 538 am and going down for the count. Haven't been able to stop sobbing for half hour about the weather. Can't stop crying, shit I hate this shit.

It'll pass. & [...]

April 02 2012

somethingdif

Well last night was different. Took my meds before bed and took off for the stars. Yep, couldn't sleep. Watched a couple of movies trying to stay calm and I sat there flopping like a fishout of water.

Finally got a couple of hours sleep and woke up 3 am. Now I'm feeling ok so far. Have to hold off on meds until blood test this morning and then go to work and drop off short term disability paperwork. Then I'm going for a walk somewhere.

I really want to go out and [...]

April 01 2012

somethingdif

woke up at 2 am today. y i p e e :(

feeling normal for now. just going to enjoy it.

Went out for most of the day. Noticed that I'm starting to back away from people who get too close, i think it's paranoia setting in. But that's ok. I'm calmly waiting for my meds to fully kick in.

No big hallucinations today more like waves. hanging facecloths moving in a wave pattern. Again, just waiting for meds. to kick in.

Other than that only had a brie [...]

March 31 2012

somethingdif

Extremely bottom low today. Can't do much. Did make it to Dr. and he has me off until June from work.

I ate well at lunch, a huge lunch actually.

Going to take a nap soon.

Tonight is first dose of Respiradol hope it helps sleep and keeps the hallucinations and lucid dreams at bay. I'm sick and tired of not sleeping.