Diary Entries for butterfly09576

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butterfly09576

i think i am going to cancel my account on here.

hopefully something good comes of this...

butterfly09576

I am so excited. I am so nervous. With my history you would think that i would want to have nothing to do with psych hospitals. But I just got a job as intake in the psychiatric ER. And I am really excited. It is nerve racking going from a job I have had for the past 7 years, where I was comfortable and knew everyone, but I was no longer happy, to a place where I know no one, but this may be leading to my dream. I have attempted suicide in the past, a few time [...]

i just want to hide under the covers

butterfly09576

i should have called off today...

i found out that while i was dating this guy, my supposed best friend fucked him...me and her were as close of friends as you could get...it was almostlike we were one person...but she fucked me over...

this all happened a year ago...and i just found out now...i guess it is a good thing i haven't heard from either of them in over a year...i don't know what i would have done when i was in the state of mind i was in then...even r [...]

school

butterfly09576

i never took school seriously. i just did what was needed in high school, and didn't take college seriously. i guess thats why i never graduated college. so now i am really trying to getmy life together. i am living on my own, working, and now going to school full-time as well. i am worried that the bad grades are going to effect my plans. right now i am at community college, i will finish their transfer program in 2 years, and i want to transfer to a bigg [...]

June 5, 2001

butterfly09576

i need a therapist or someone to talk to. i am alone. people think from the outside i am okay. i am dying on the inside.

feeling...left out?

butterfly09576

i am tired of my moods going from good one minute, to bad the next. I am tired of the sudden swings. this morning was great. it was a beautiful day out, i went to the arts festivalalong the river and went to work, even work wasn't bothering me.

lately, i have been feeling very lonely. i have no friends i can call or text when something happens. i am estranged from one brother, the other is so busy with school i don't want to bother him. [...]

I worry about my thoughts....

butterfly09576

i haven;t cut in over a year, but lately i have been wanting to feel that feeling. i get upset and want to take that razor to my skin. i got really good at hiding it. when i begani would do a cut here and there on my hands, then i began to do it more and i hid them, on my legs, where pants would cover them. now i am left with scars, and have covered a few with tattoos. why do i want to do this? I have been doing so well, and now i feel that desire to go get [...]

Group Leader

butterfly09576

I am sooo excited....I am a new group leader for the shyness forum!!!

Mom

butterfly09576

so i work a million hours a week just to get by. at one point, i had been off work. my therapist would not allow me to work. my mom helped me so much, paid my rent, and that was abig thing because we both struggle so much. she has almost lost her house, but somehow she came up with the money. we came to an agreement that i would pay her at least $20 every pay and by the end of the year, whatever was not paid will be forgotten.

tomorrow is payda [...]

Who i am keeps surprising me...

butterfly09576

wow, i haven't written i diary entry since july. i didn't realize i gave up for so long, but i came back. i find it comforting to talk to people i share common things with.

not much has been going on. my depression got the best of me and in april i had a major meltdown, the meltdown of all meltdowns, resulting in a 10 day hospitalization and a two month stay in outpatient partial therapy. but i feel like i needed that. at fiorst i was s [...]

July 14th

butterfly09576

i haven't done a diary post in awhile. actually i haven't been on in awhile. i feel like i am losing interest in this site. i feel like if i post a discussion, i get very little feedback. so i stop posting. i post a diary. no one reads it. no one comments.

other than getting irritated by the site, things are good. work is going great. i haven't felt this good in a long time. i like myself...and apparent [...]

karma....?????

butterfly09576

i believe in karma. you get what you deserve. and today, i really believe in it. i had been friends with S for over 10 years. over the years, we started growing apart, and she would talk about me behind my back at work. we grew apart, and are no not talking, and i am fine with that. another part to the story is, she told my boyfriend lies, and he is a duchebag for believing her, but he left me because shit she told him. she made my life at work a living h [...]

correction to previous

butterfly09576

i would like to say that since i wrote my last entry, just minutes ago, i am have gotten to the point i am about to explode with irribility.

help...

Irritable, yet symapthetic

butterfly09576

so, for the past two months, my mood has been pretty good. but today is a test. i have met two woment today. one is trying my nerves, making me irritable. i know i should bea little bit more, what would the word be, maybe sympathetic. but i can't be nice whne someone isn't nice back. i get tired of being stepped on. but at the same time, i am tired of this irritability. i want to be a nice person, i am normally, but today my buttons are b [...]

moving on with my life

butterfly09576

i was really worried about returning to work, but i was going stir crazy at home, and in jeopordy of losing my apartment. and if i wouldn't have gone back to work, i really believe i wouldhave regressed backward. i feel i would have began to cut. i would have fallen back into depression. i have been hurt by numerous people, people i didn't know that hurt me, and people i loved who hurt me. events in my life that happened, i am learning to let go of. [...]

back to work

butterfly09576

i have to be able to work. i have been off for two months, unpaid, becasue my docs and employer were never on the same path. i just got the ok to go back on monday. i need something to do. i am in therapy, but it is on 3 days a week for 3 hours. the rest of my day is filled with nothing. with the emptiness and the financial stress, i feel if i don't try and get back to my normal life, i may fall bcakwards, and i don't want to do that. today the lonliness rea [...]

can't cry

butterfly09576

i have always been an emotional person. i could cry at the drop of a hat. look at me the wrong way, here come the waterworks.

but i have noticed something in the past few weeks...no matter how much i try, no matter how much i want to...i can't.

i think of him and how hurt i am, how lonely i am, and a month ago, i would be crying. but now when i think of it, i am sad, but the tears will not come.

is this a way of being told that i need to g [...]

worried to lose a parent

butterfly09576

almost 5 years ago, my dad died very suddenly. one day he was fine, the next he was gone. he was only 47. he was my best friend.

my mom and i haven't had the best relationship. but she is all i have left. a few years ago, she got really sick. congestive heart failure. in and out of the hospital many times in a month. at one point she almost died, there was so much fluid squeezing her heart. so at a very young age, she had a [...]

forgetting is hard to do

butterfly09576

why can't i get him outof my head? i get it, he is gone. but why do i have to keep thinking about him, day dreaming. i am a pisces, and i believe in astrology. i was just readingabout the traits of my sign. i am a complete pisces. caring, empathetic, romantic, a daydreamer, love the water. so, i keep day dreaming, thinking he will be back. but that is all that fills my head. i think about it all day. all the great things he has said [...]

a dream

butterfly09576

i had a dream last night. of course it is about the one person i am a missing a lot. currently he isn't talking to me. and it is a shitty situation. a lot of what he is thinkingabout me is based on another ex-friend's lies. so in the dream, i run into his sister-in-law, who i always have gotten along with. so wsa telling me just keep trying to talk to him. so i did in the dream, but he would still ignore me. at one point, he finally did tal [...]