|May 07 2009|
Oh goodness, so many things have happened since the last entry. Some good, some bad. Overall though I think things are a lot better in a way.
I have been sort of slacking on my meditation althoughI have been going to the course and generally trying to be mindful. Things are supposed to be relatively less stressful now, although some relationship stress and stress about work has got me just as fucked up as usual. My period was 2 weeks late and in that time I PMSed constantly which made me feel like a nutcase. I was also afraid of being pregnant but am not. I nearly broke up with my boyfriend a few days ago because of longstanding problems we've been having but I think things have gotten better since.
I guess my only real complaint is never knowing how I'm going to feel one day to the next. I'll be fine one day and relaxed and then next day I will turn into Mr. Hyde and be anxious and feel like the world is ending. I wish there was more peace in my mind. I guess meditating more should help, but I have been consistent enough and mostly it just makes things worse. My health paranoia gets especially exacerbated when I am feeling anxious and i try to practice mindfulness.
Gotta keep on keeping on.... But I am sad because my boyfriend leaves Saturday I haven't been able to see him much, either by his fault or circumstance. I really would look forward to going out there to see him in a couple of months but I am terrified of being on a plane when I've had this whole Dr Jeckyll/Mr Hyde never-know-what-to-expect-from-myself situation. I mean I am sure the day I fly will be one of those days I feel like I'm going to jump out of my skin. Such an univiting prospect.
excitement vs anxiety
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