|Jun 15 2012|
What then when others find out I am a fraud? An imposter. My abilities never reach the visions I have of myself in my mind. I am happy in neither the imagined or the physical life. I can find temporarybliss with imagination, but quickly I decide I don't want to simply think it...I want to breathe it. Then I attempt to join reality with fantasy only to find again and again...I fall short. How embarrassing to speak with others as if I am the woman of my mind, but they eventually find out I'm simply me. Just eh. Could take it or leave it.
Am I deluded in my perception when considering myself as talented and inspiring? Or am I blind to my own beauty? I don't know. I have felt both many different times.
Which is worse? A life shaded with fear...guarding oneself by never taking one step toward the beauty in your mind. Or attempting to achieve and failing...then falling...into disgust and torment.
I have often thought of what it would have been like if I were born in a time when corrective lenses were not available. My eyesight is poor enough that I would basically be blind. I would never have clarity...only light and fuzzy shapes. But fortunately I live in a time where someone can give me what I need to see properly.
Please, I want that for my soul. Sharpen the image, bring me into focus...let me see myself in true light that I may know myself and accept. No more taunting voices in opposition.
My mind toys with me...has me agreeing with both sides...disagreeing with both sides. How do I perceive the realness? Please, I know deep down in the quiet she is there. I want to find her, know her, love her completely.
Will there ever come the day when I will see her in the mirror? In my mind's eye...I can see it happen...but reality will prevail.
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