Jan 16th

OK - yesterday was actually pretty wacked out. After taking my nap, and coming out the fog i was in once fully awake...things changed in my head. I was NOT myself...and was feeling rather like I couldtake on the world. Feeling invincible - and i cant say combative - but man was i getting a kick out of pushing others buttons...getting a rise out of others (sorry Jen).

It started with an outburst of pent up anger and frustration...while making something to eat. Just unloading some really nasty stuff, at a wall, that I harbor towards my dad - Just came out of no where - and it was like i was watching myself do it too. Crazy nuts I know.

I can relate what later ensued in conversation with Jen, to my brother. One of his stimmy behaviors (he has autisim) is getting a rise out of people by saying things that really push buttons. It was very hard to get control over it. Well after breaking off that conversation, it got worse. I was ready to rumble. I wanted to fight phsyically or verbally...at least a part of me did. So I called my mom. She really got the picture when I told her I didnt give a flying F* what she was feeling...I am just not like that...but I didnt just comeout and say that. I explained, which was hard, that that was what was going through my mind. So she just let me unload - I had to get the kids from school, so I needed to let out as much as I could.

I warned the girls that I was in no mood for their bickering and fighting, and made my point when my oldest started arguing about doing her homework. Warned the hubby too. It tapered off after eating dinner.

The really odd thing, was my pain was nearly gone. As if I was producing a constant level of endorphins or adreanaline - or both. So I went outside and did the wood, to knock my body about a bit.

Guess I was having a mass die off in the brain...really didnt like it at all. Still a bit edgy today tho...so I know that I am not completely over it yet.