Diary Entries for passiongirl

Interactive Life Fishing in Nikkiland

passiongirl

Today I shall do what I decided I want to call "Interactive Life Fishing". To make today count in as positively dramatic fashion as possible ( this is also part of my 1st 30 of the day commitment, reflection, small goal setting, tudes check) . Looking at all the huge gifts in my life that are irrefutably tied to my recovery has a tendency to get a person grateful, refocused & motivated to do WHATEVER IT TAKES TO KEEP IT, but also as we grow in our recovery it becomes as important n [...]

Can We measure the wreckage?

passiongirl

Recently we were asked to write something on How addiction affects the ones we love. Where do I ever begin & how can I ever accurately document the damages, the wreckage? Truly I will never be ableto fully make a totally accurate accounting of the harms that have been caused by my addiction!!! Yes when we are truly trying to live recovery it is important for us to look HONESTLY AT OURSELVES, to own our wreckage to others. To try to make amends where possible. I still believe that the [...]

Cleaning my life!

passiongirl

It only takes a few days of inattention & my life can be a mess. I feel better when my environment is clean, when I am organized I have more time to just relax, do somethingkind for self or someone I love, My job goes better because I am not struggling to find all the tools that I should be adult enough to not have be reminded to bring, & my spirit relaxes because things just go better. As an analogy I come into contact with the public everyday. If I go [...]

Pardon Me, Addiction Guest Services? PLz Cancel My Reservations For Relapse INDEFINITELY

passiongirl

Doing what I have to do today to save my own life! Ya know we make that first huge choice to get clean , we do the work to find all the gifts of recovery & some part of us (me I guess I should say) seems to have moments when I think...stomp OK when can I relax?... Whoa Dangerous thinking for this recovering addict. That in my mind is like "Making Reservations for Relapse" . Some days are easier than other days, for no particular reason they just are but assuming that I will w [...]

A Recovering Addicts Taste of Tough Love(fot the families)

passiongirl

Today Has been an emotional onslaught of the reminders of the pain & wreckage that as addicts in active addiction we bring to our families, our friends, to our neighbors, society as a whole. My day started as usual, veryyyy early to work. After handling the things I needed to handle I popped back into the break room for a quick second to find one of my sponsees that is also employed by the hotel in the break room dissolving into tears at the very sight of me. A little backgro [...]

A Substance Can Have Many Faces!

passiongirl

For about the last month or so I have been doing some re-evaluation of self, Such a constant work in progress! But without this vigilance in working what works for my recovery I risk compromisingit which brings me to the topic of the note.

Most all of us have heard the saying " A drug is a drug is a drug" but recently I have started looking at this, examining my self in a different light & came to the conclusion that a substance can have many [...]

Kickin my own Ass!

passiongirl

Tonight's short & sweet! Totally exhausted from longggg work weekend. Bout to start my last 30. I actually had a thought that I would just go to sleep tonight without ding it...JUST THIS ONCE...YA RIGHT. Took me all of about 30 seconds to kick my own A**. When I start procrastinating or cutting corners in areas which i have not one single shred of doubt are vital to my recovery that is dangerous. In fact not just dangerous but asinine, insane, selfish, & RIDICULOUS. I am the ki [...]

Recovery = Road to Restoration

passiongirl

It's funny because the other day my boss was making reference to me coming in extra for a banquet & he said in passing that " You can be the first to leave butI really need you there because I know I can count on you"! It floored me. It was the best comliment that i have ever heard him utter. Believe me the last thing I was in my using life was someone to be counted on for anything, even little things. So my job may not be rocket science but it [...]

Anonymous Poem

passiongirl

RECOVERY

I'm tired, I'm scared, I'm all alone. Come with me friend, I will show you my home.

I'm a druggie, I'm addicted, I want to be free.

&nbs [...]

Reaching out my hand

passiongirl

Reaching out my hand!

by Nikki Holman on Saturday, April 23, 2011 at 4:35am

This note is for my friend, you know who you are! You see I havebeen where you are, we have cried the same tears, feared the same fears, & dreamt the same dreams, You were right that some steps you have to take on your own. Yes there are things you must do without being carried, but you don't have to walk alone. You see all you have to do is reach out your hand, the steps are your [...]

You can But I Don't Have to!

passiongirl

Tonight a situation arose that kind of blind sighted me. I won't disclose the details of the situation as they trulyhave no bearing on the purpose of this note! The purpose of the note is actions & reactions, control or lack thereof, & recovery!

Tonite has been a lesson important in my recovery for many reasons but especially regarding control! Ultimately the only person I can control is me, my actions, my reactions. When we truly get in [...]

Reocvery vs. not putting a substance in our bodies

passiongirl

Recovery vs. not putting a substance into our body!

There has been a bit of confusion about what Recovery is versus being clean of substancesfrom our bodies! Both are very important but they are not interchangeable & have vast differences. I know that in my personal experience I believed that I was in recovery wayyyyyyyy sooner than I actually was. Here is the breakdown the way I see it! I will break it down into a few distinct stages , this is not written in stone but is my opinion [...]

Gettin it x 3

passiongirl

Gettin It x 3.....gettin honest, gettin grateful, gettin active = Keepin my recovery

by Nikki Holman on Tuesday, February15, 2011 at 7:42pm

As the title of this note implies i was doing a bit of active revaluation of my recovery. I know that for me I have to be soooo freaking vigilant n checking myself constantly or I risk it slipping away from me.&l [...]

The Three very important A's of recovery

passiongirl

The Three A's

Authenticity, Accountablility & Action... three very important A's in my recovery!

Authenticity: The definitionreads undisputed credibility, Wholly real!

Authenticity is an area which I am putting a lot of work into these days.For years I masked , buried, denied, pretended bout nearly everything, my feelings, my anger, my pain, my fears. My most common way I did this was through the use of humor or even silliness to the verge of [...]

My recovery Punch List

passiongirl

Recovery Punch List : A Constant Work In Progress

Recovery is not something we just get & can keep without constant vigilance & daily work. In order for me to remain in recovery I have a what I call my recovery Punch List, the following is what helps me!

~GRATITUDE: When first introduced to the concept of a " Gratitude List" I thought it was stupid. After giving it a shot I found it to be one of my [...]

My A-C-T-I-O-N acronym

passiongirl

One of my top priorities in recovery is for it to be evident to others not just words but by actions. To help me do that I came up with an acronym to remind of things I need tobe doing...A-C-T-I-O-N= A-ctively C-aring T-olerant I-nsightful O-pen to input N-ot about me!

~Active( definition: causing change ) I must be active in my recovery in order to keep it. For me complacency in my recovery is the kiss of death. When we are in recovery [...]