|Oct 05 2008|
I left my family again. Wednesday, I went out for a few drinks and a few turned into many. I started a fight with my husband over the feelings my daughter has towards me, I blame him. Then the fight turned into me taking about 6 ativan. I wasn't trying to kill myself, but he thought I was. So he called my sister. She came and got me. I went to her house, where my mom was in sugar shock. Her sugar was 37. Called an ambulance for her. He talked me into coming home. Fast forward to saturday. I woke up, went to the basement to check my mail and found 8....yes 8 loads of laundry that needed to be done. Mind you, he is laid off right now. So I went into a complete out and out rage that he let the laundry stack up like that. Next thing I knew, I had packed my stuff and was gone again. I dont know what I am doing anymore. I DO know that I am destroying my kids. Every time I leave, it breaks their hearts. So I have decided that this time, no matter what, I'm not going back. Please dont judge me. I love my kids with all my heart, but I just dont want to hurt them anymore. I dont know what to do. I'm at my sisters at the moment, but I really don't want to stay here because her house is relatively small and my mom already lives with her. I don't want to put the added strain on her. I have another sister about 45 minutes away from where I work. I am so lost. I dont know what to do or where to go. I went up to 100 mg of Lamictal yesterday and I'm wondering if it is going to do any good. I have been on it for a month, and I dont feel any better. I am feeling like life isn't worth living anymore. My daughter, who I was once extremely close to, hates me for leaving them. But I just dont feel like I can go back again and go through the same thing over and over. He already told me he would fight me for custody. And he will win because my daughter is 13, and I'm sure they will ask her where she wants to live, and she isn't going to leave all of her friends. We have lived where we are for 6 years, and have a neighborhood of kids that she has made friends with over the years. The court will takt that into consideration, I'm sure. And my 6 year old is so close to his sister and his dad, that I just think he will be better off staying with them. So, I have become the worlds worst mother. Not only did I leave my kids, but I'm not even going to fight custody of them. I am broken, torn apart, and just plain tired. I want to curl up into a ball and just never get up again. Wednesday, when I lost it, I called my counselors answering service, she never called back. There is no easy answer to this mess. I am screwed either way. I can either go back, and be miserable all the time living with him, or I can lose my kids. I just dont know what to do anymore.
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