chaos

..no matter how hard i try.  Busting my butt and need outside help to do.  It occurred to me that with a custody battle looming that there would be a court designated visit for living arrangements.  Although I keep the child who's custody would be in the spotlight (he being severe add/adhd/bp/ocd and more - treated and in therapy doing grand, thank you!) in immaculate condition, the rest of the house is hurricane damage.  

I need to order products, hire contractors, plumbers, electricians, and still keep up with bill paying, paperwork, filing, atty requests both for my fathers estate and his and her divorce attys, sort the furniture chaos, move the furniture, finish the damn painting that is detailed (trimwork, medallions, etc) and mine alone to complete.

and still keep up with chaos and motherhood.

and call the locksmith to put locks on everyones victorian bedroom doors.  they are stealing from each other and me.  tv's. the silver case, jewelry, cash and more, some of which in this unorganized disaster hasn't even been noticed missing yet.  i already ordered personal safes for everyones rooms.  such is the life.  not even at peace or safe in my own home!

if you are reading this - know they have nowhere to go and even though employed, minimum wage covers only their car insurance and a few discretionary items in this high cost of living area)

another breakin attempt last week.  my drivers license is suspended until a court date on the 15th because i missed two already - oldest son in hospital for suicide attempt, and me travelling to see the doc.  yet another atty is working with me on this.  and i'm still married to one.  too many f***ing attys in my life!    poop.

it will get done.  little by little.  i need to divide myself up and create two of me!  wow wouldn't that be awesome!  hope we'd get along!

time to put the christmas decorations up.  make it merry.  ready a room for the tree/channukah bush.  shopping online and have been collecting gifts all year.  now if i can only find them....

have to clean up the yard first.  leaves still there, plants need cut back, the blower is mssing.  gas cans missing.  oil mix gone.  dammit i just want to go to where these things are kept and find them!!! how many times do i have to track down that which has been lended or lost by a kid only to have it returned busted?  i know i have raised them with "we have more so share" but this is extreme and not acceptable.  they don't get it.  especially now that they have no concept of the impending divorce implications on their lifestyle.  and they are convinced nothing will change.  "dad won't do that" they say about cutting them off.  

righttttttttt.  they never saw him in the 2 year old temper tantrum stomping his feet and screaming at the top of his lungs:  "i want my fucking money!!!!!" while clenching his fists and pounding them in the air with a wild "nobody's home" look in his eyes.  it's all about him.

reality is gonna suck.

priortizing is difficult.  it all needs to be done yesterday.  

I CAN'T LIVE LIKE THIS!!!!!!!!!!!

my add/adhd even though medicated and working does not still the frustration and stress.  lexapro keeps menopause symptoms at bay and there is no depression.  just freaking overwhelmed.  

 every time i finish a project (thank you vyvanse), and go to the next, it is time to clean the kitchen again, cook, run errands, and sort through another pile.  nothing seemingly gets done as everything piles up while i do one project.  promotes the difficulty in not finishing.  very hard for me to stop and return.  better if i can do un-interrupted.  

my brain never stops.  i have been meaning to take on (when??????) a class to learn how to meditate and quiet my mind.  it also forgets.  if i don't write it down, forget it.  and if i do, i lose it.  sometimes that helps :)

and the biggest question of all that needs no answer:

WHY does it take a hundred steps of "to do first" before you can get to the task at hand????????  for instance, i need to file 3 years of paperwork to do taxes, to get the stuff out of piles.  which means i have to toss all the unneccesary stuff out of the file cabinets to make room.   and move them into the room they go in.  but that room is stuffed with other stuff that is unorganized......

ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH!!!!!!!!!!!!

so my jaw is killing me from clenching while awake.  the only good thing from that is it makes it painful to chew.  3 years ago i was a size 16.  now i'm a size 2.  i f***ing worked it!  and physically feel awesome and so pleased with my determination and discipline.  i made time for it for me.  what a strange concept.  time for me.  i had to learn this.  am still learning this as i continue to set boundaries in this house of chaos.

"me" has probably been the hardest thing to learn.  i have never put me first.  ever.  now i am trying.  it is a constant battle.  and i will win.  BUT never to become a narcicist like M.A.N. (Monster And Narcicist soon-to-be-ex of 30 years) or however you spell it.  just to the point of doing things for myself, learning to say no,  taking time out for me even if it's just a long bath :) and keep up with those boundaries and stick to them!