There...I did it.  I broke up with Austin.  It's over, done...gone.  I cannot believe it's actually happening.  I can't believe its actually over.

 It's done...

                       done...

                                                                over.

                                                                                             over...

   Now what?  What is there left to love anymore?  I gave all my love to him.  I gave my life to him...a piece of me that feels like it will never be able to return. 

    Now...I have to plan my life...without him.  Those words.....without, done...over.  They are so strong, and yet...all at the very same time they describe me and this boy I once loved more then myself.  I would have died for him.  I would have shot myself in the foot before I would have ever wanted to hurt him.

    I didn't even want to hurt him.  I just wanted to be happy, and this is, indeed, what would make me happy at the moment.  I'm scared, though.  What now?  What next? 

    It hardly seems worth it after two year of my life.

TWO FRIKIN' YEARS OF MY LIFE.  TWO YEARS I GAVE TO YOU.  WHAT DID YOU EVER DO TO ME?  YOU LEFT FOR COLLEGE. YOU NEVER ONCE TOUCHED MY CHEEK WITH A TOUCH OF LOVE.  YOU NEVER ONCE HELD ME WITH MEANING.   I'M SORRY, BUT I DON'T FEEL AN OUNCE OF PAIN FOR YOU.  I FEEL PAIN FOR THIS BIG GAP IN MY LIFE WHERE YOU USED TO BE THAT I CAN'T FILL.  NOW I HAVE TO CONTINUE ON LIKE I DID BEFORE YOU, IF I CAN EVEN REMEMBER WHAT IT WAS LIKE. 

My first love....

                                                                                        ....broken.

Goodbye.

Exams start tomorrow.  I'm really not ready for them.  Usually i been studying forever for them already, but this time I just couldn't.  I don't know how many times I tried, but I just can't focus enough to get anything done.  Don't know how I'm going to manage to write my math exam tomorrow. 

And I'm so tired too.  Been looking for apartments for the past 2 days, now we're just waiting for approval for the one and we're done that. That'll be good, one less thing to stress about.  (Though I'm extremely burnt now from walking around in the sun for so long).  

I found a summer job though, that's a good thing.  I start pretty much the day after I get back from holidays, which means I have to move as soon as I get back from holidays too.  That'll be fun 8(

Just a bit stressed right now with everything that has to be done in the next week.   Don't know how I'm going to get it all done.  

Still really wanting to cut as well, though I know it won't help me at all.  It'll just make me have one more thing to think about and hate myself over, but the urge is still so strong.  As of tomorrow it'll be 2 months since I last cut.  I want to keep that, but I'm scared that I'm going to end up cutting eventually anyways, and the longer I wait the worse it'll be when I do it again, and the worse I'll feel about it after, which will make me do even more.  Maybe it would have been better if I hadn't stopped at all.  Maybe it would have been better if I had ended my life.  

I don't know, just not having a very good night.  Especially with all this stress happening on top of everything else.  I just don't know what I'm going to do.  But I want to cut so bad . . . . .