There...I did it.  I broke up with Austin.  It's over, done...gone.  I cannot believe it's actually happening.  I can't believe its actually over.

 It's done...

                       done...

                                                                over.

                                                                                             over...

 

   Now what?  What is there left to love anymore?  I gave all my love to him.  I gave my life to him...a piece of me that feels like it will never be able to return. 

    Now...I have to plan my life...without him.  Those words.....without, done...over.  They are so strong, and yet...all at the very same time they describe me and this boy I once loved more then myself.  I would have died for him.  I would have shot myself in the foot before I would have ever wanted to hurt him.

    I didn't even want to hurt him.  I just wanted to be happy, and this is, indeed, what would make me happy at the moment.  I'm scared, though.  What now?  What next? 

    It hardly seems worth it after two year of my life.

 

TWO FRIKIN' YEARS OF MY LIFE.  TWO YEARS I GAVE TO YOU.  WHAT DID YOU EVER DO TO ME?  YOU LEFT FOR COLLEGE. YOU NEVER ONCE TOUCHED MY CHEEK WITH A TOUCH OF LOVE.  YOU NEVER ONCE HELD ME WITH MEANING.   I'M SORRY, BUT I DON'T FEEL AN OUNCE OF PAIN FOR YOU.  I FEEL PAIN FOR THIS BIG GAP IN MY LIFE WHERE YOU USED TO BE THAT I CAN'T FILL.  NOW I HAVE TO CONTINUE ON LIKE I DID BEFORE YOU, IF I CAN EVEN REMEMBER WHAT IT WAS LIKE. 

 

My first love....

 

                                                                                        ....broken.

 

 

Goodbye.

 

 

ok now i have gotten this far i am tired of writing..do more later

Exams start tomorrow.  I'm really not ready for them.  Usually i been studying forever for them already, but this time I just couldn't.  I don't know how many times I tried, but I just can't focus enough to get anything done.  Don't know how I'm going to manage to write my math exam tomorrow. 

And I'm so tired too.  Been looking for apartments for the past 2 days, now we're just waiting for approval for the one and we're done that. That'll be good, one less thing to stress about.  (Though I'm extremely burnt now from walking around in the sun for so long).  

I found a summer job though, that's a good thing.  I start pretty much the day after I get back from holidays, which means I have to move as soon as I get back from holidays too.  That'll be fun 8(

Just a bit stressed right now with everything that has to be done in the next week.   Don't know how I'm going to get it all done.  

Still really wanting to cut as well, though I know it won't help me at all.  It'll just make me have one more thing to think about and hate myself over, but the urge is still so strong.  As of tomorrow it'll be 2 months since I last cut.  I want to keep that, but I'm scared that I'm going to end up cutting eventually anyways, and the longer I wait the worse it'll be when I do it again, and the worse I'll feel about it after, which will make me do even more.  Maybe it would have been better if I hadn't stopped at all.  Maybe it would have been better if I had ended my life.  

I don't know, just not having a very good night.  Especially with all this stress happening on top of everything else.  I just don't know what I'm going to do.  But I want to cut so bad . . . . . 

Can't handle this anymore. Every little thing is getting to me today.  I almost went into a full blown panic attack because I couldn't get the stupid lid off of the mayonnaise jar.  Just little things like that, all day, some were a little more serious than that, but honestly, WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME?!  Trying to do homework, but it's really not working.  Trying to remember how to breathe, but that doesn't seem to be working very well either.  Really think this is the night I end my over 6 weeks of not cutting . . . .  maybe I'll cut enough tonight that I'll never have to again . . . 

Still here.  Don't really know why most days, but I'm fighting through this.  I'll make it through, if I don't collapse from complete exhaustion first.  I have so much todo for school still, and only a week left to do it all.  A bit overwhelming at times (ok, all the time, I'm really not good at dealing with stress).  Sort of freaking out a lot about my English seminar that I have left to do too.  Have to do it, but don't know how I'm going to force myself to do that one.  .  .   I don't think I've had a second to breathe all weekend.  Got to keep going, need to keep fighting, I WILL get through this, someday (I hope . . . )

Have an English essay due this Wednesday that I've been trying to write for months now but I haven't even started it yet. I need to get this essay done, I need the English mark.  But I just can't manage to focus or concentrate enough to get it done. I just don't know what to do. I've been having small panic attacks all day because of it (that I've been able to get under control ok so far), and now I'm really wanting to cut because of it. I know it won't help me at all, but I still have the urge to cut so badly. It's been almost 6 weeks now, can't let myself give in, but I want to so bad. It's still so hard.

I just don't seem to be getting anywhere with this. I thought things were getting better, but now they're getting worse again. I know I should go see that counselor, but I just can't get myself to go, I just can't do it. I need to keep fighting this, but I just don't have the energy or will to fight it anymore. I just want to give up on it all, even though I know that's not what I should do. . .

How do I get through this?

can't do this anymore.  don't know what to do.  only have 2 weeks left of school, but I don't  know how I'm going to make it that long.  Can't concentrate on anythinganymore.  Can't get anything done.  Just don't know what to do anymore.   .   .   .

Still here, but I don't know if I want to be.  Not much more to say.  Just don't care anymorea nd don't know what to do. . .

I can't do this anymore.  I just don't know what to do.  So confused.  So lost.  Want to cut again so badly.  Want this life to end.  Want it all to go away.  Why are all these thoughts coming back so strongly again?  I can't think of anything that happened to make them come back.  I thought I was doing good, but I guess not.  I just can't keep fighting like this.  Not knowing if things will ever change.  Not knowing when it's going to end.  I just can't do this anymore. . . .

I HATE LIFE!!!  I hate it all!  I'm sick of it and just want it all to end.  Don't want to be here anymore.  Tired of it all.  Just want it all to go away.  

Stressed about school, frustrated with my stupid ex, really just not liking life.  

I'm so exhausted I don't even know how to fight it anymore.  Don't want to fight it anymore.  Just want it to be over. 

 I HATE IT!!!

So, still in a lot of pain.  And these stupid stitches are driving me crazy.  I hate my teeth, and they're not even there.  I'm so bored out of mind my having to sit at homeall day.  I'd do stuff if it didn't hurt so much, but all I have to do is watch movies, and these stupid painkillers make me so tired.  

Ex hasn't been bothering me too much today, mainly because he had to go to school, but that's a good thing.   

 Well, other than that, I'm pretty much hating life.  I've been really having a bad time these past 2 weeks, and not being able to talk to my counselor hasn't helped at all.  Going to see her on Wednesday again, but that's a long time away.  Why is it so hard for me to deal with my life on my own?  Why do I want to cut so badly?  Why can't I just get better?  I hate all these questions, and I just don't know what to do.   Was hoping writing here and trying to get some of the thoughts out would help, but I just don't know what to say, and it really doesn't seem to be helping me yet.  If only I could turn my brain off when I didn't want to think anymore . . . it'd be so much easier, but it doesn't work that way, which means I'm still thinking.  I hate life,  hate these thoughts, hate myself for not being able to get out of it, I just hate it all.  I want this to end so badly, but don't know how.  I just want it all to go away . . . .

I am NOT in a good mood today. I'm in so much pain from these stupid teeth and so sick and tired of lying around in my house with nothing to do. It's just not making me in a ; very good mood to begin with.

Then my ex-bf started texting me again. I asked him why he's blaming all this on me. He said he hasn't, but that's not what he said the other day. He said he's just under too much stress right now. WHATEVER! He keeps saying things like he never wanted to hurt and and what not, well then he should never have said anything in the first place. So I asked him what's been so stressful in his life. He said it's because of all the pain he's in and all the tests (apparently he might have cancer). Yes, I know that can been stressful, I know from experience what it's like to have to go through all those tests and not know what's wrong with you, but then he dared to say that I wouldn't understand and that I have no idea what he's going through. How does he know what I've been through? How does he dare say something like that? AHG! I'm just so angry at him right now . . .

So, I've been talking with my ex-bf pretty much all day (and a lot last night) in between being in pain from my teeth being pulled out. I know I probably shouldn't have, but I still careabout him and wanted to know why he would do this and why he would tell me. He told me if he would have known it was going to bother me so much he never would have said anything but he didn't think I cared about him at all anymore. (STUPID!) and then he asked me why I broke up with him in the first place, I've told him why before. I know I shouldn't let this affect me as much as it is, but I can't help it. Why do I care so much? I want to help him now, I want to do whatever I can to help him, even when I know this is not good for me. Ugh, I hate this. I know what I should do, but what I want to do is so different. I'm so confused.

But I should go now. In lots of pain and extremely exhausted.

So, my day was ok today I guess.  Went on a school trip.  Got back and I was so exhausted (which means it's harder for me to fight the thoughts I'm having).  Then I got a text frommy ex-bf telling me how he's been cutting (which I had no idea he was doing) because he misses me so much.  And he basically said he got the idea to cut from me too.  Well, that makes me feel just wonderful about myself.  And now those thoughts of cutting are even stronger in my head, and I want to cut even more now.  I just don't know what to do.  I'm so confused.   I just don't know what to feel anymore, but I know what I want to do . . . 

They are so delicious.