There...I did it.  I broke up with Austin.  It's over, done...gone.  I cannot believe it's actually happening.  I can't believe its actually over.

 It's done...

                       done...

                                                                over.

                                                                                             over...

 

   Now what?  What is there left to love anymore?  I gave all my love to him.  I gave my life to him...a piece of me that feels like it will never be able to return. 

    Now...I have to plan my life...without him.  Those words.....without, done...over.  They are so strong, and yet...all at the very same time they describe me and this boy I once loved more then myself.  I would have died for him.  I would have shot myself in the foot before I would have ever wanted to hurt him.

    I didn't even want to hurt him.  I just wanted to be happy, and this is, indeed, what would make me happy at the moment.  I'm scared, though.  What now?  What next? 

    It hardly seems worth it after two year of my life.

 

TWO FRIKIN' YEARS OF MY LIFE.  TWO YEARS I GAVE TO YOU.  WHAT DID YOU EVER DO TO ME?  YOU LEFT FOR COLLEGE. YOU NEVER ONCE TOUCHED MY CHEEK WITH A TOUCH OF LOVE.  YOU NEVER ONCE HELD ME WITH MEANING.   I'M SORRY, BUT I DON'T FEEL AN OUNCE OF PAIN FOR YOU.  I FEEL PAIN FOR THIS BIG GAP IN MY LIFE WHERE YOU USED TO BE THAT I CAN'T FILL.  NOW I HAVE TO CONTINUE ON LIKE I DID BEFORE YOU, IF I CAN EVEN REMEMBER WHAT IT WAS LIKE. 

 

My first love....

 

                                                                                        ....broken.

 

 

Goodbye.

 

 

    Thing are hard as ever right now.  Austin is in Tennessee (My boyfriend who goes to college), my Dad might have cancer, and school is pounding on the door to my brain saying"Hey!  It's time to stop caring about everything else, and start caring about school!". 

    I have been batteling thoughts of cutting, and suicide for the past couple of days.  I'm not going to act on any of it.  I'm trying with every fiber of my being to just be happy.  Who knew that such a simple task was so hard to perform.  It's difficult for the person who thinks way to much, and doesn't know how to handle stressful events.

     My Dad has been in and out of the testing rooms.  They are juggling many possibilities with him right now.  They say he might have cancer.  It doesn't even seem real at all.  I am praying that it's not true.  Part of me is sure that its not, and that because the possibility of it being possible hasn't hit me yet.  What a scary thought.

    Having Austin in Tennessee eat away at me all the time.  I don't know what to do with myself while he isn't here.  My Mom said "At least you have him."  That true.  I do have him.  But because of my stupid low self esteem, I obsess...wonder...become scared.  What if he meets someone else?  What if he finds a prettier girl?  What if I'm not good enough?  I'm not good enough.  Sometimes I have nights that I just cry myself to sleep because I worry myself sick about this.  I loose my appetite at dinner, lunch, and I never really eat breakfast.  I've lost weight, and it kinda worries me.   I don't know what to do with myself without him here.  It almost seems not worth it to go through all that.   He never misses a beat without me there.  He can eat fine, and sleep fine.  He can laugh fine, and think fine.  I feel dead alot of the time. 

    I have been put on a new medicine called Symbyax.  It keeps me from going overboard, and keep me from completely disconnecting from the world.  In all honest, I probably would have cut, or tried suicide by now, off the meds.  It's hard to admit, but nobody can really talk me out of moods like that.  With this new medicine, I can still have highs without the lows that make me want to kill myself.  Cutting is something I fear will always be there.

    Pray for my Dad please, and for my family.  They are having a difficult time with my Dad's sickness, and with the health of our family.

 

Much love.

So i havent been on md junction in a while and im sorry about that because I started taking summer classes for anatomy and physiology two from last month and next week is my last week of classes for the summerand i have two finals. I have cut in 3 1/2 weeks so far, taking it each on day at a time. Im gettin overwhelmed because of these finals and the urge is coming back tremendously and im want to cut but im trying not by snapping my rubberband. I want to pass this class with at least a b+ to an a- and im getting very unoptomisitic but i just hope that the lord can see me through  this one because i just so lost at this point. So from today and the remainder of this week untill wednesday ill be studying and praying that i can do well. On thrusday, I will update you on the class and my mental health

FUCK. rite know i am having another anxiety attack. Plus one moment ago i was smiling && know i am the total opposite (bi-polar). How could he hurt meso much. My own flesh and blood. and try to bye back my love with money ETC. W T F and i know that telling my mother was a HUGE step for me BUT, i don't even know how i have made it this far. AND I've never been so scared in my life to confront someone. My g-ma i hope she will believe me. And if she doesn't i will just keep living.  I am most scared of how its going to affect her.  She just lost her mother Rip 6-3-08 and know this. How is she going to take it.  && im just so afraid her reaction and what shes going to do. FUCK my heart && my head is in so much pain. WAT 2 DO WAT 2 DO!?!

Exams start tomorrow.  I'm really not ready for them.  Usually i been studying forever for them already, but this time I just couldn't.  I don't know how many times I tried, but I just can't focus enough to get anything done.  Don't know how I'm going to manage to write my math exam tomorrow. 

And I'm so tired too.  Been looking for apartments for the past 2 days, now we're just waiting for approval for the one and we're done that. That'll be good, one less thing to stress about.  (Though I'm extremely burnt now from walking around in the sun for so long).  

I found a summer job though, that's a good thing.  I start pretty much the day after I get back from holidays, which means I have to move as soon as I get back from holidays too.  That'll be fun 8(

Just a bit stressed right now with everything that has to be done in the next week.   Don't know how I'm going to get it all done.  

Still really wanting to cut as well, though I know it won't help me at all.  It'll just make me have one more thing to think about and hate myself over, but the urge is still so strong.  As of tomorrow it'll be 2 months since I last cut.  I want to keep that, but I'm scared that I'm going to end up cutting eventually anyways, and the longer I wait the worse it'll be when I do it again, and the worse I'll feel about it after, which will make me do even more.  Maybe it would have been better if I hadn't stopped at all.  Maybe it would have been better if I had ended my life.  

I don't know, just not having a very good night.  Especially with all this stress happening on top of everything else.  I just don't know what I'm going to do.  But I want to cut so bad . . . . . 

Can't handle this anymore. Every little thing is getting to me today.  I almost went into a full blown panic attack because I couldn't get the stupid lid off of the mayonnaise jar.  Just little things like that, all day, some were a little more serious than that, but honestly, WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME?!  Trying to do homework, but it's really not working.  Trying to remember how to breathe, but that doesn't seem to be working very well either.  Really think this is the night I end my over 6 weeks of not cutting . . . .  maybe I'll cut enough tonight that I'll never have to again . . . 

Still here.  Don't really know why most days, but I'm fighting through this.  I'll make it through, if I don't collapse from complete exhaustion first.  I have so much todo for school still, and only a week left to do it all.  A bit overwhelming at times (ok, all the time, I'm really not good at dealing with stress).  Sort of freaking out a lot about my English seminar that I have left to do too.  Have to do it, but don't know how I'm going to force myself to do that one.  .  .   I don't think I've had a second to breathe all weekend.  Got to keep going, need to keep fighting, I WILL get through this, someday (I hope . . . )

Have an English essay due this Wednesday that I've been trying to write for months now but I haven't even started it yet. I need to get this essay done, I need the English mark.  But I just can't manage to focus or concentrate enough to get it done. I just don't know what to do. I've been having small panic attacks all day because of it (that I've been able to get under control ok so far), and now I'm really wanting to cut because of it. I know it won't help me at all, but I still have the urge to cut so badly. It's been almost 6 weeks now, can't let myself give in, but I want to so bad. It's still so hard.

I just don't seem to be getting anywhere with this. I thought things were getting better, but now they're getting worse again. I know I should go see that counselor, but I just can't get myself to go, I just can't do it. I need to keep fighting this, but I just don't have the energy or will to fight it anymore. I just want to give up on it all, even though I know that's not what I should do. . .

How do I get through this?

can't do this anymore.  don't know what to do.  only have 2 weeks left of school, but I don't  know how I'm going to make it that long.  Can't concentrate on anythinganymore.  Can't get anything done.  Just don't know what to do anymore.   .   .   .

Still here, but I don't know if I want to be.  Not much more to say.  Just don't care anymorea nd don't know what to do. . .

I HATE LIFE!!!  I hate it all!  I'm sick of it and just want it all to end.  Don't want to be here anymore.  Tired of it all.  Just want it all to go away.  

Stressed about school, frustrated with my stupid ex, really just not liking life.  

I'm so exhausted I don't even know how to fight it anymore.  Don't want to fight it anymore.  Just want it to be over. 

 I HATE IT!!!

So, still in a lot of pain.  And these stupid stitches are driving me crazy.  I hate my teeth, and they're not even there.  I'm so bored out of mind my having to sit at homeall day.  I'd do stuff if it didn't hurt so much, but all I have to do is watch movies, and these stupid painkillers make me so tired.  

Ex hasn't been bothering me too much today, mainly because he had to go to school, but that's a good thing.   

 Well, other than that, I'm pretty much hating life.  I've been really having a bad time these past 2 weeks, and not being able to talk to my counselor hasn't helped at all.  Going to see her on Wednesday again, but that's a long time away.  Why is it so hard for me to deal with my life on my own?  Why do I want to cut so badly?  Why can't I just get better?  I hate all these questions, and I just don't know what to do.   Was hoping writing here and trying to get some of the thoughts out would help, but I just don't know what to say, and it really doesn't seem to be helping me yet.  If only I could turn my brain off when I didn't want to think anymore . . . it'd be so much easier, but it doesn't work that way, which means I'm still thinking.  I hate life,  hate these thoughts, hate myself for not being able to get out of it, I just hate it all.  I want this to end so badly, but don't know how.  I just want it all to go away . . . .

I am NOT in a good mood today. I'm in so much pain from these stupid teeth and so sick and tired of lying around in my house with nothing to do. It's just not making me in a ; very good mood to begin with.

Then my ex-bf started texting me again. I asked him why he's blaming all this on me. He said he hasn't, but that's not what he said the other day. He said he's just under too much stress right now. WHATEVER! He keeps saying things like he never wanted to hurt and and what not, well then he should never have said anything in the first place. So I asked him what's been so stressful in his life. He said it's because of all the pain he's in and all the tests (apparently he might have cancer). Yes, I know that can been stressful, I know from experience what it's like to have to go through all those tests and not know what's wrong with you, but then he dared to say that I wouldn't understand and that I have no idea what he's going through. How does he know what I've been through? How does he dare say something like that? AHG! I'm just so angry at him right now . . .

So, I've been talking with my ex-bf pretty much all day (and a lot last night) in between being in pain from my teeth being pulled out. I know I probably shouldn't have, but I still careabout him and wanted to know why he would do this and why he would tell me. He told me if he would have known it was going to bother me so much he never would have said anything but he didn't think I cared about him at all anymore. (STUPID!) and then he asked me why I broke up with him in the first place, I've told him why before. I know I shouldn't let this affect me as much as it is, but I can't help it. Why do I care so much? I want to help him now, I want to do whatever I can to help him, even when I know this is not good for me. Ugh, I hate this. I know what I should do, but what I want to do is so different. I'm so confused.

But I should go now. In lots of pain and extremely exhausted.

So, my day was ok today I guess.  Went on a school trip.  Got back and I was so exhausted (which means it's harder for me to fight the thoughts I'm having).  Then I got a text frommy ex-bf telling me how he's been cutting (which I had no idea he was doing) because he misses me so much.  And he basically said he got the idea to cut from me too.  Well, that makes me feel just wonderful about myself.  And now those thoughts of cutting are even stronger in my head, and I want to cut even more now.  I just don't know what to do.  I'm so confused.   I just don't know what to feel anymore, but I know what I want to do . . . 

Last year I had some pretty serious depression because I'd been so sick for so long none of the long list of doctors and specialists I'd seen knew anything useful to tell me. I was suicidaland was actually hallucinating.  A lot of mental health issues run on both sides of my family and I hated feeling that way so had myself committed.  I was diagnosed finally as bipolar schizophrenic after the doctors gave up (ten days after checking in) and I was sent home. After that I was so drugged out of it I had no idea what was going on and had to have the medication changed several times. Then this fall I found out it was a hormone imbalance (polycystic ovarian syndrome) and stopped going to therapy and went off the anti psychotics. When I went off those though I started having migraines so bad. Now I'm on bipolar meds that help. I decided though now with all the stress of the diagnosis and starting treatments I needed to go back for therapy.

Now the arthritis is getting so bad in my back I can hardly stand or even sit and am having to seriously consider a wheel chair. I hate going anywhere now because the walking and standing causes so much pain and it just makes me feel sick. I guess it's just all part of the battle though like not getting to wash my own hair anymore.

Well, this letter is not really a freak out, but more of a statement of ,

Give Me a Freaking Break???

Steve decided a week ago that we were over. He told me that with all of his plans forwhat he wants to accomplish in the near future, that adding in a relationship would just mess things up. So we are done!!!!!

 O.K. I kind of knew that one was comming, then two days later my 17 almost 18 year old told me she wants to move in with her boyfriend and his parents this summer after school gets out. I have talked with her at length about this retarted thought, but alas I cannot really tell her no. She will be 18 and be able to make her own decisions. I just told her the options of her decision and that if she should fall flat on her face that I will be willing ot still be mom, but at a limited capacity. Then I now have college finals comming up this next week and my daughters Jr. Prom is this Saturday............... If that wasn't enough to cause me to order my own straight jacket, My good friend Rich, the man who lost his leg due to motorcycle accident 2 years ago, just told me today about 15 minutes ago, that he has another infection in his stump and when he went to the doctor  while I was in college classes, the doctor decided that they are now going to have to amputate above the  knee next week...... 

Can someone stop this ride and let me off. I have seen enough....

It breaks my heart to see Rich go through this for the 28th time. Yes he has had 27 surgeries in the past 2 years to his leg. The first 20 were to try and save the leg after it was completely crushed and mangled. The other surgeries were for restruction of the stump after the amputation and for getting rid of this freaking infection that won't go away!!!!!!!!

Now I have no idea what I am going to do!!!??????????????

It seems I've pissed off someone and I wish they would leave us alone. It would be nice for a change. But such is life and when ever you are down, life will come along and kick you in the face....

But an another note, I am very blessed to have such wonderful children, a home over my head, food for us to eat, and a computer to write all this stuff on and the keys haven't fallen off yet. So thank you God for all of the many blessings in my life and please forgive me for the ranting and raving of a very frustrated woman..... 

Things keep getting fucked up! I want to explode yet can't. Med change is helping but for how fucking long this time. They say it will take up to 10 years to get fricken stable. So I guess thatmeans I'm on a long ride from hell. Will I make it is the question? My pdoc is so fearful he won't stablize me fast enough. Since I've moved here I've been hospitalized 3 times and its looking like a fourth one is coming. Oh well I can only hope for the best I guess.

 

Looking back over what I have written, I apologize (no, I don't) for ranting a bit ... I am a bit, a BIT manic right now, and blurted out some memories.  It's helped me.  Here it goes ...

 

I have learned to be very careful with who I share my mental ilnness issues with, as I do with my alcoholism.  Unfortunately, there is still so much misunderstanding about depression, with 'normies' that experience situational depression from time to time.  They look at us with contempt, as weak because they had the strength to 'pick themselves up', 'think happy thoughts' or whatever form of self discipline they used that they judge us as lacking.

 

It really isn't their fault.  They simply don't understand.  I'm learning this even more, everyday, especially the last few days with all the comments I've gotten from 'normies' that have expressed that they have a different way of looking at those they love, struggling with mental illness.

 

The most maddening part of my journey, was the ignorance and misunderstanding of my illness and symptoms from the very people that I have always believed I could trust - the medical profession.

 

Sometimes it would take me a year of intense suffering before I was worn down enough to be able to crawl into my doc's office and lay out all my symptoms, only to be told "Sounds like you a have a bit of depression." 

 

"A BIT OF DEPRESSION, YOU .......... .........!" I think.  Then she gives me that nervous, almost scared little smurk of hers and shoves a piece of paper with 12 questions into my hand, leaves the room and asks me to evaluate my 'bit of depression.'   Hell, I can't evaluate up or down, black or white, reality from delusion ... I can barely hold the pen as I am shaking so bad from the inside out and she wants me to calmly assess MY condition?

 

Then, she comes back, glances at the paper, and says, "Yes, seems like you are pretty gloomy these days."  OK, that's about it!  This ...... is going to get a a good healthy dose of MY reality. 

 

"Hey doc, do you think it's normal to wake up in the morning and the first thought of the day, is that you want to be dead.  Do you think it's normal, that in order for me to even fall asleep at night, I create these elaborate fantasies of my own death, complete with my hands folded neatly across my chest, which fills me with a sick sort of peace, that lulls me into a fantasy that reassures me that the pain is over, that I have to fool myself into thinking I am dead, in order to function?"

 

"Well, does sound a bit serious."  She uses that word 'bit' just one more time, and I think she will get a first hand lesson and example of exactly what 'going mental' looks like, right here here in her little cubicle.  "OK, calm down wacko, let's try and get some help," I reassure myself.

 

"So, what do you think we ought to do?" she asks, ME!!!! 

 

THAT's IT ... I'm done acting sane.  I can no longer control it and start shaking and crying ... ****, I hate that.  A 54 year old man, that has always prided himself on being able to handle anything that life has to throw at me, has totally broken down in front of my incompetent medical expert. 

 

"What do I think we should do,"  I shout at her. 

 

"Do you have any idea what it took for me to walk in here today.  It took me 6 months of agony to even pick up that damned phone to make an appointment and now ... NOW, you ask ME, what I think?" 

 

"I CAN't Think anymore, that's why I am here.  I don't trust my thinking.  I'm scared.  I'm scared to death that I'm losing my mind.  Do you have any clue how terrifying that is, to believe that you are actually losing the ability to control yourself, to function or to even pretend to be OK?  Do you have any clue as to the fear I have of what it would be like to be locked away, forgotten and written off, lost forever in a coma of insanity?  I NEED YOU, to HELP ME!!!!  I don't know what to do.  For two years, I've been coming to see you, beating around the bush, always afraid that you are thinking in the back of your mind, "Oh here comes that hypocondriac ... wonder what new symptoms he has now.  My sick mind won't even allow me to look into the eys of your staff nurses imagining that they are all laughing at me as well, hell, they probabaly laugh about me at lunch.  This is the what my head thinks about ... Do YOU think normal people obsess over these kinds of things D O C T O R ?  I need help, please, help me."

 

I felt better.  Relieved.  Had a sense of hope that maybe she will finally understand the depth of my suffering, that I'm not making this stuff up, that I need help .... until ... once again, I see that scared, nervous look on her face as she attempts a smile and says, "Alrighty then, I think we should try an anti-depressant." 

 

"Oh GOD!  I have so been here before, for 15 years, I have so been here, and have tried every kind of anti-depressant known to medical science," I think to myself.  Maybe I should just walk into a mental hospital, lie down on the floor and let them whisk me away into Zoo-land ... I just don't care anymore."  This, was my experience with the medical community, for many years.

 

As I've written in my journals, it took many more years, before I happened upon the perfect storm, a set of circumstances that availed a new opportunity to get the proper care, medical professionals that understood what they were talking about.  Do I regret those years.  Not really.  Guess it took what it took to get here.  Do I wish I would have found the proper diagnosis earlier in life, saving so many years of pain and suffering.  Yes, of course, but that's just not the path I was supposed to walk.

 

Today, I will NEVER stop trying because I KNOW what it feels like to be alive and even though I may not be there, as I write, I've been shown the miracle of sanity.  It was possible once and it is possible again.  I will never give up on myself.  This disease is treatable.

 

For anyone out there that is suffering and has lost hope and feels embarrased and humiliated - I suggest that you GET MAD!  Do whatever you need to do to get listened to and don't be afraid to express your pain and ask for help.  My ego held me back, for so many years from uttering the three most powerful words I have ever verbalized, resulting in almost instantaneous results ... "I NEED HELP.  Please help me."

 

God Bless Us All.  We deserve it. 

Louie R. (Uswalker);

http://rochonsculpture.artspan.com/mbr_bio.php

The Fork, a razors edge of insanity.

Another long night.

Every now and then, conditions are just right, just enough pouring rain hitting the window with just the right rhythm at just the right hours; the quiet small hours when it all stops and it feels safe. Last night was one of those nights - dark, quiet, safe. Precious moments, really, when I savor each second and can breathe, again, finally, feeling safe.

I was reading, somewhere, that it is quite common when entering the envelope of spiritual enlightenment, for all hell to break loose. Why? Because as you experience the Truth, the other side, there is a heightened sensitivity to all thoughts, all emotions and that which used to serve as a calm protected harbor from the relentless storms of my mind, no longer welcome me and provide safe harbor. This, I think, is the fork in the road. Something feels all too familiar about this place. I sense being here before, this fork, this place in time, this choice.

On one fork, it appears, faintly to my senses, to be the safe path, protected and quiet, lulling me towards wrapping myself within it's cloak. No one can hurt me there. No one can see me there. I am invisible. I am safe. Yes, this place seems all too familiar to me. And it should. I know this place, well. I've chosen this path, often. And it also, appears to me, faintly as if a distant memory, that this path leads to no place, to no where, to darkness, to an endless maze that leads only to despair and anguish, a place of endless sighs, to self destruction of all that is good.

There is something different about this path, this place, this time. I can sense it's deadness, it's void, it's emptiness, it's lie. And yet, this other path, it's so bright, so incredibly bright _ and loud, untried, un-trodden, so fresh and promising yet so open and unprotected.

I have arrived at this fork in the road once again.
This is where I am.

Today, I do not choose to hide in the shadows of depression nor do I lurch forward into a euphoric fanstasyland ... today, I will just 'be' and if need be, it is OK to just stand here, and hurt. 

This is my choice.

I choose to walk towards the light, at all cost.

Thank you God, for hope.

 

June 17, 2007

I had a huge confrontation w Liz last saturday (12/1). It all started with me wanting MY cellphone back so I could use it, she said ok and I waited abt 5 or 6 mins and when she still didnt bring itI went back to her room and said NOW.

Than thats when all hell broke loose. She came into my room and threw my phone on the bed and began a tirade of cussing and fussing, saying all sorts of stuff, hurtful stuff. I tried to stay calm but whoa she knows how to push the right buttons and before I knew it, I was engaged in a war of words. Finally I snapped and said you know what I have had enough of you and your verbal abuse and disrespect and gave her until Jan 1 to get out of the house.

So the next day I gave her a list of shelters and told her some had some openings. I guess she thought I was joking or said it out of anger about her getting out by the 1st cause she came back to my room and started another outburst. This time I did remain calm, I then called her stepmom for help and so she came over and then called and asked my ex to come by after work. She was out of control now. So as I talked w Pam, I realized she had to go now, having her wait around until the 1st would not be healthy for either of us or the other children to be subjected to the tension and outbursts.

Pam has a friend that does foster care so she called her for guidance. The friend offered to take Liz and the baby in for the night and then take her to the shelter in the morning.

 

 

The ALERT System - For anxiety, panic attacks & stress

When you are confronted with a fear, challenge, pressure, or crisis which causes anxiety, panic, or stress, utilize the SEA's ALERT system:

• A - Assess

• L - Lessen

• E - Ease

• R - Relax

• T - Take Action

A - Assess First, you need to assess & identify the fear, challenge, pressure, or crisis that is creating your anxiety, panic, or stress & then identify the "sick,'' irrational & unrealistic thoughts & feelings which are at the root of the anxiety, panic, or stress for you.

L -Lessen

2nd, you need to lessen the impact of the "sick'' thinking & emotional response by countering it with new, more rational & reality based beliefs & feelings. Tools for Personal Growth contain directions how to overcome irrational beliefs & fears.  The new rational belief & emotional response in the ALERT is based on the sum total of all of the new thinking & feeling you experience in the SEA's recovery program based on the SEA's 12 steps & the material contained in the Tools For Coping Series. E - Ease 3rd, you need to ease your anxiety, panic, or stress by "self-talk'' based on your new, rational & reality based beliefs & feelings. This self-talk & self-affirmation can include visualizing yourself handling the current fear, challenge, pressure, or crisis in a successfully healthy way. The "self-talk'' needs to be reassuring that "you're a good person'' who can handle things in a healthy way. This needs to be in the form of I can, I am & I will statements. R -Relax 4th, now that you've countered the fear, challenge, pressure, or crisis with healthier, more rational & realistic thinking, emotions & self-talk you need to relax. Let go of the tension, tightness & knots in your body. Attend to the state of calmness, warmth & relaxation which comes from the releasing of the stress in your body. After you're relaxed, then you're ready to proceed. T -Take Action 5th, now you're ready to take action to confront the fear, challenge, pressure, or crisis with healthier, more rational & realistic thinking & emotions. To relieve the anxiety, panic, or stress, you take the necessary steps to change your behaviors, responses & actions. You now act in a calm, self-confident, relaxed, less anxious, less panicked & more rational manner. You take action to change the situation so that a problem resolution is possible.

you can find more of this info at coping.org & at my website http://anxieties0.tripod.com/anxieties101/id13.html