There...I did it.  I broke up with Austin.  It's over, done...gone.  I cannot believe it's actually happening.  I can't believe its actually over.

 It's done...

                       done...

                                                                over.

                                                                                             over...

 

   Now what?  What is there left to love anymore?  I gave all my love to him.  I gave my life to him...a piece of me that feels like it will never be able to return. 

    Now...I have to plan my life...without him.  Those words.....without, done...over.  They are so strong, and yet...all at the very same time they describe me and this boy I once loved more then myself.  I would have died for him.  I would have shot myself in the foot before I would have ever wanted to hurt him.

    I didn't even want to hurt him.  I just wanted to be happy, and this is, indeed, what would make me happy at the moment.  I'm scared, though.  What now?  What next? 

    It hardly seems worth it after two year of my life.

 

TWO FRIKIN' YEARS OF MY LIFE.  TWO YEARS I GAVE TO YOU.  WHAT DID YOU EVER DO TO ME?  YOU LEFT FOR COLLEGE. YOU NEVER ONCE TOUCHED MY CHEEK WITH A TOUCH OF LOVE.  YOU NEVER ONCE HELD ME WITH MEANING.   I'M SORRY, BUT I DON'T FEEL AN OUNCE OF PAIN FOR YOU.  I FEEL PAIN FOR THIS BIG GAP IN MY LIFE WHERE YOU USED TO BE THAT I CAN'T FILL.  NOW I HAVE TO CONTINUE ON LIKE I DID BEFORE YOU, IF I CAN EVEN REMEMBER WHAT IT WAS LIKE. 

 

My first love....

 

                                                                                        ....broken.

 

 

Goodbye.

 

 

    Thing are hard as ever right now.  Austin is in Tennessee (My boyfriend who goes to college), my Dad might have cancer, and school is pounding on the door to my brain saying"Hey!  It's time to stop caring about everything else, and start caring about school!". 

    I have been batteling thoughts of cutting, and suicide for the past couple of days.  I'm not going to act on any of it.  I'm trying with every fiber of my being to just be happy.  Who knew that such a simple task was so hard to perform.  It's difficult for the person who thinks way to much, and doesn't know how to handle stressful events.

     My Dad has been in and out of the testing rooms.  They are juggling many possibilities with him right now.  They say he might have cancer.  It doesn't even seem real at all.  I am praying that it's not true.  Part of me is sure that its not, and that because the possibility of it being possible hasn't hit me yet.  What a scary thought.

    Having Austin in Tennessee eat away at me all the time.  I don't know what to do with myself while he isn't here.  My Mom said "At least you have him."  That true.  I do have him.  But because of my stupid low self esteem, I obsess...wonder...become scared.  What if he meets someone else?  What if he finds a prettier girl?  What if I'm not good enough?  I'm not good enough.  Sometimes I have nights that I just cry myself to sleep because I worry myself sick about this.  I loose my appetite at dinner, lunch, and I never really eat breakfast.  I've lost weight, and it kinda worries me.   I don't know what to do with myself without him here.  It almost seems not worth it to go through all that.   He never misses a beat without me there.  He can eat fine, and sleep fine.  He can laugh fine, and think fine.  I feel dead alot of the time. 

    I have been put on a new medicine called Symbyax.  It keeps me from going overboard, and keep me from completely disconnecting from the world.  In all honest, I probably would have cut, or tried suicide by now, off the meds.  It's hard to admit, but nobody can really talk me out of moods like that.  With this new medicine, I can still have highs without the lows that make me want to kill myself.  Cutting is something I fear will always be there.

    Pray for my Dad please, and for my family.  They are having a difficult time with my Dad's sickness, and with the health of our family.

 

Much love.

So i havent been on md junction in a while and im sorry about that because I started taking summer classes for anatomy and physiology two from last month and next week is my last week of classes for the summerand i have two finals. I have cut in 3 1/2 weeks so far, taking it each on day at a time. Im gettin overwhelmed because of these finals and the urge is coming back tremendously and im want to cut but im trying not by snapping my rubberband. I want to pass this class with at least a b+ to an a- and im getting very unoptomisitic but i just hope that the lord can see me through  this one because i just so lost at this point. So from today and the remainder of this week untill wednesday ill be studying and praying that i can do well. On thrusday, I will update you on the class and my mental health

ok now i have gotten this far i am tired of writing..do more later

So just wanted to say happy belated 4th of july and hope everyone enjoyed their day with  family and friends, didn't have much time to write because i went to bbq and realized i should have stayedhome. Just an update, i haven't cut in one week but its like i find myself more and more depressed and feel like i should.  I realized also at my family's bbq how much i am teased about my weight or just joked on about being big, its like i get snickers and stares. This made me stay upstairs yesterday in my cousin bedroom, the only person who accepted me and i ever felt close with was my father and now that he has been gone for quite some time and its like i miss him everyday. My mother doesn't understand me, and it hurts that i feel she doesn't love me anymore, like she wishes i wasn't in the house with her or anything. The constant talking underneath her breath and the way she looks me just reassures me. Like she says she wants to sell the house, and cant wait until i leave and things of that nature. Like next semester, I have classes until 9' o clock in the night, so i wont see her as much and I will try to just stay out her way.
     Herself and my family always jokes about me and i never could speak to them about anything, and when i try to speak to my mother and tell her that i want to speak with a psychiatrist because i know these feelings that i have aren't normal  and their is so much more and i feel they can help me suppress the emotions and she just laughs and tells me they will make me crazy, she becomes so closed minded. Often times my depression does affect everything i do and rather just stay home  and just stare out the window. My brother often time makes fun of me for just staying home and tells me i have no friends and  just honestly hurts my feelings. Often times i feel like just running away or just end it all and maybe everyone will stop bothering me and i wont have to feel this way anymore. As for my weight, its like i want to wake up and wish i was a different person, its like i feel like trying to deprive myself or even vomit foods, because maybe if i was smaller and they accepted me i wouldn't be teased as much. I often wonder what do people actually like about me, whats my purpose here? I may never know... 

Exams start tomorrow.  I'm really not ready for them.  Usually i been studying forever for them already, but this time I just couldn't.  I don't know how many times I tried, but I just can't focus enough to get anything done.  Don't know how I'm going to manage to write my math exam tomorrow. 

And I'm so tired too.  Been looking for apartments for the past 2 days, now we're just waiting for approval for the one and we're done that. That'll be good, one less thing to stress about.  (Though I'm extremely burnt now from walking around in the sun for so long).  

I found a summer job though, that's a good thing.  I start pretty much the day after I get back from holidays, which means I have to move as soon as I get back from holidays too.  That'll be fun 8(

Just a bit stressed right now with everything that has to be done in the next week.   Don't know how I'm going to get it all done.  

Still really wanting to cut as well, though I know it won't help me at all.  It'll just make me have one more thing to think about and hate myself over, but the urge is still so strong.  As of tomorrow it'll be 2 months since I last cut.  I want to keep that, but I'm scared that I'm going to end up cutting eventually anyways, and the longer I wait the worse it'll be when I do it again, and the worse I'll feel about it after, which will make me do even more.  Maybe it would have been better if I hadn't stopped at all.  Maybe it would have been better if I had ended my life.  

I don't know, just not having a very good night.  Especially with all this stress happening on top of everything else.  I just don't know what I'm going to do.  But I want to cut so bad . . . . . 

My daughter has been ill with stomach problems for the last 5 yrs. Her first diagnosis was H-pylori. We went through the treatment for that and she just got worse and then she had her gallbladderremoved, and she did not get better so then she was told  she had gastritis but that did not fit so they finally diagnosed her with severe chronic constipation and sent her to a colon surgeon but she will not treat her because she has OCD issues that prevent her from taking the anal rectal physiology testing so now we are back to square one with no doctor to help her, if anyone out there knows of a doctor willing to help her without the ARP test please let me know. my e-mail is jackieburdette@gmail.com. The last time I took her to the doctor they said she probably had the adult version of hirschprungs disease because she has all the symptoms I think it is called intestinal neuronal dysplasia. The doctors say that the only way to treat is with surgery and if it is not treated her intestines could get so backed up that they could rupture and she could die but they also say they will not do anything without a definite diagnosis which they can get with a colonoscopy where they can do a biopsy to test for this disease but they also say that the most reccomended test is the anal rectal physiology test which they know she can't do and they are refusing to do anything because of this test instead of at least trying to use the colonoscopy to try to find the final diagnosis for her. I am almost at my wits end as to what to do or how to help her so I am reaching out for help, please if you know of any doctor willing to help her without insisting on the ARP testing please contact me.

I can't B out in the sun anymore. At least till it all calms down. Freakin lupus. I hate this crap. Damn rashes that make me look all sorts of crazy. And the bumps that come with the rash on mychest, that was so nicely exposed to the sun. Don't we get vitamin D absorption from the sun? So whats the big deal? HUH? Why can't we stay in the sun? Why does it have 2 give us cancer and us lupies all crazy hell on our bodies. Idk. I don't care either.  yes I do thats why Im screaming it out on paper. Could it just be the tremendous amount of stress that I have been facing? Nah.. couldn't be that. Its all bs stress anywho. 

But this does truly suck. I wanted to have a great time this weekend with the family and have some fun in the sun, pool, park, shore! Is all this still a posibility. yes, If I get on some super sunblock and take an umbrella, and buy some of that sunblocker clothing. It all just blows.  Im the whitest Latina I know. Im just going to have to do the spray on mystic tan. Be orange for all my life. Like that song, "Im blue" da bu di da bu di, techno song. just change it to orange.

So, still in a lot of pain.  And these stupid stitches are driving me crazy.  I hate my teeth, and they're not even there.  I'm so bored out of mind my having to sit at homeall day.  I'd do stuff if it didn't hurt so much, but all I have to do is watch movies, and these stupid painkillers make me so tired.  

Ex hasn't been bothering me too much today, mainly because he had to go to school, but that's a good thing.   

 Well, other than that, I'm pretty much hating life.  I've been really having a bad time these past 2 weeks, and not being able to talk to my counselor hasn't helped at all.  Going to see her on Wednesday again, but that's a long time away.  Why is it so hard for me to deal with my life on my own?  Why do I want to cut so badly?  Why can't I just get better?  I hate all these questions, and I just don't know what to do.   Was hoping writing here and trying to get some of the thoughts out would help, but I just don't know what to say, and it really doesn't seem to be helping me yet.  If only I could turn my brain off when I didn't want to think anymore . . . it'd be so much easier, but it doesn't work that way, which means I'm still thinking.  I hate life,  hate these thoughts, hate myself for not being able to get out of it, I just hate it all.  I want this to end so badly, but don't know how.  I just want it all to go away . . . .

I am depressed, hopeless, feeling suicidal, abandoned, friendless.

Lost. 

 its about 12:30 and I am STILL in bed. Taking a shower just seems like  so much energy output.  I am just past halfway in doing my effudex treatments.  I have been having side effects, headaches, nausea and SEVERE fatigue, along with cramping, burning and a discharge. All the laying in bed from the fatigue is really doing a number on my back and neck. 

  I am so sick of being sick and sick of not being able to just wake up, like a normal person and just go do the things that need to be done.  I know its not this way every day and probably has a whole lot to do with the cancer and its treatment.

  I wish  I were more like those "warrior women" that go through cancer and even worse chemo/rads and still make it to the PTA meetings the gym and have dinner on the table in her perfectly clean house....grrr

  Ahh well, I suppose I should just quit bitching and be happy about what I do have.  Off to the shower