Okay, so, I have dealt with depression and mental illness for a long time. It took me years to come to terms that I could possibly even be mentally ill. I think it was because my mom would used to makecomments like "Your dad's whole family is crazy, I hope you never have a mental illness." It hurt because I think deep down inside, I always knew that there was a good chance there was mental illness. I just wanted my mom to accept me for me and not judge me based on something such as mental illness. Mental illness is looked at as being a crazy person or socially unacceptable, when in reality, it's treated the same way any physical illness is. You take pills and you go to a doctor, except our doctor is a shrink. I came to terms with it after reading an article in the college newspaper at the college I attend about mental illness (it was mental illness awareness month I believe and the person, who is now a great friend of mine, has bipolar) I have learned that yes, I may have this illness but I can still live and be normal. I have great friends that are helping me cope and I am meeting great people on this board who know what I am going through. That's something I would never be able to get from any shrink or therapist.

I am also the type to show so much love and compassion towards people that ironically, I push them away. Sure I do my share of yelling and screaming, we all do, but I am sure my mom would be quick to say I take the cake for that one. But, I would do anything for a friend or even someone I just met and I just want to be there for people, so much that I want to hang out with them constantly. I have been known to be "clingy"  and as long as I am battling my alcoholism, I might as well fight that too. I want to get to a point where I can be alone and be okay. Sometimes, when I finally feel I have reached that point my parents come back into the picture and always want me home. I am 21, I need to be independent. I know they love me but by doing that, they are doing more harm than good. So, I try and stay away from them (I am not doing it to be mean

So, I mentioned the alcohol. I am proud of myself. I am almost a whole week sober! It sounds small but for me, it's big! I can't wait for the day that I won't even have to think twice about refusing to have a drink or to not go into a restaurant and be curious about the types of alcohol drinks they have. But, I know, one day at a time.

So, still in a lot of pain.  And these stupid stitches are driving me crazy.  I hate my teeth, and they're not even there.  I'm so bored out of mind my having to sit at homeall day.  I'd do stuff if it didn't hurt so much, but all I have to do is watch movies, and these stupid painkillers make me so tired.  

Ex hasn't been bothering me too much today, mainly because he had to go to school, but that's a good thing.   

 Well, other than that, I'm pretty much hating life.  I've been really having a bad time these past 2 weeks, and not being able to talk to my counselor hasn't helped at all.  Going to see her on Wednesday again, but that's a long time away.  Why is it so hard for me to deal with my life on my own?  Why do I want to cut so badly?  Why can't I just get better?  I hate all these questions, and I just don't know what to do.   Was hoping writing here and trying to get some of the thoughts out would help, but I just don't know what to say, and it really doesn't seem to be helping me yet.  If only I could turn my brain off when I didn't want to think anymore . . . it'd be so much easier, but it doesn't work that way, which means I'm still thinking.  I hate life,  hate these thoughts, hate myself for not being able to get out of it, I just hate it all.  I want this to end so badly, but don't know how.  I just want it all to go away . . . .

Yesterday I picked my husband up from a 2 month stay at the hospital.  It began ok.  He seemed less than happy about coming home even thoug I know that's what he wanted.  After a longawait sit down bath and greeting the children and getting dinner, which he didn't eat, he went to look at his stuff.  I had moved most of the valuables out of the house and to his place of business.  This upset him greatly.  There was no clear communication when he was manic between me or his business partner and him.  So, last night he got only 3 1/2 hours of sleep despite very sedating meds and I had to deal with him being awake and waking me up.  My hope is its just because he's readjusting to life at home.....