Whenever I tell someone that I have Graves' Disease, I always say, "...named after a guy and not the outcome."  Making a joke seems to make people feel less uncomfortable when confrontedwith a named disease.  But mostly, it's important to me to find humor in things.  That's how I embrace life and not sink down so low I need powerful meds to bring me back up.

It was over two years from the time of my first symptoms to my diagnosis. Issues were clouded by my panic disorder, which I've had since my early 20's.  What I've learned over the years is what a powerful effect that kind of stress has on your body.  So some of my hyperthyroid symptoms are also panic symptoms - rapid heartbeat, hair loss, lump in the throat, tremor etc. Certainly there are symptoms that do not cross over, however when you have this history of panicking and reporting phantom ailments to the medical community, you get a little shy about exposing yourself to that kind of humiliation.  I worked very hard at convincing myself and everyone else that I felt fine.  That my left eye was not twice the size of my right one.  That maybe I wasn't getting my period because I'm getting menopause early.  That the mere act of thinking about my heartbeat was actually making my heart beat faster.

This is how panic disorder can be deadly.  I don't take myself seriously and most doctors don't either.  Thankfully, I have my mother and thankfully, we have the same doctor, with whom she is also socially acquainted.  At her last appointment, she mentioned my evil eye.  Then blood test and running from doctor to doctor.  And here I am, still waiting for my radioactive iodine, but finding sweet relief in tapazole and toprol.

 

ok now i have gotten this far i am tired of writing..do more later

Exams start tomorrow.  I'm really not ready for them.  Usually i been studying forever for them already, but this time I just couldn't.  I don't know how many times I tried, but I just can't focus enough to get anything done.  Don't know how I'm going to manage to write my math exam tomorrow. 

And I'm so tired too.  Been looking for apartments for the past 2 days, now we're just waiting for approval for the one and we're done that. That'll be good, one less thing to stress about.  (Though I'm extremely burnt now from walking around in the sun for so long).  

I found a summer job though, that's a good thing.  I start pretty much the day after I get back from holidays, which means I have to move as soon as I get back from holidays too.  That'll be fun 8(

Just a bit stressed right now with everything that has to be done in the next week.   Don't know how I'm going to get it all done.  

Still really wanting to cut as well, though I know it won't help me at all.  It'll just make me have one more thing to think about and hate myself over, but the urge is still so strong.  As of tomorrow it'll be 2 months since I last cut.  I want to keep that, but I'm scared that I'm going to end up cutting eventually anyways, and the longer I wait the worse it'll be when I do it again, and the worse I'll feel about it after, which will make me do even more.  Maybe it would have been better if I hadn't stopped at all.  Maybe it would have been better if I had ended my life.  

I don't know, just not having a very good night.  Especially with all this stress happening on top of everything else.  I just don't know what I'm going to do.  But I want to cut so bad . . . . . 

Can't handle this anymore. Every little thing is getting to me today.  I almost went into a full blown panic attack because I couldn't get the stupid lid off of the mayonnaise jar.  Just little things like that, all day, some were a little more serious than that, but honestly, WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME?!  Trying to do homework, but it's really not working.  Trying to remember how to breathe, but that doesn't seem to be working very well either.  Really think this is the night I end my over 6 weeks of not cutting . . . .  maybe I'll cut enough tonight that I'll never have to again . . . 

Still here.  Don't really know why most days, but I'm fighting through this.  I'll make it through, if I don't collapse from complete exhaustion first.  I have so much todo for school still, and only a week left to do it all.  A bit overwhelming at times (ok, all the time, I'm really not good at dealing with stress).  Sort of freaking out a lot about my English seminar that I have left to do too.  Have to do it, but don't know how I'm going to force myself to do that one.  .  .   I don't think I've had a second to breathe all weekend.  Got to keep going, need to keep fighting, I WILL get through this, someday (I hope . . . )

dealing with the anxiety pretty well again today. was able to complete a poem/song i have been working on for a little over a week. i think its decent. not that it matters, i only write poetry for myself, family, and the very few friends i have. not like  i am going to try to get it published or anything, lol. writing just helps me deal with my illnesses and put things into prospective.

my biggest problem the past few days of this anxiety attack is i keep forgetting to breath until my lungs burn. i know this can't be good for me but never have been good at the controlled breathing thing so i don't know what to do about it. it is causing light headedness that i totally hate. i really need to find a way to calm down but i don't know what is making me feel this way. without knowing what is causing it i am having difficulty addressing it. but regardless, i am still refusing to give in!

i live in atlanta georgia with my father and stepmother.......my mother just surprised me from california and not for a good reason. i had a bad day sunday. lets do it backwards...i was in the emergencyfor 7 hours and 20  min on sunday my symptoms: disturbed vision (i could only see outlines of things everything was a blur, couldnt even make out faces) , severe headeache ( a 10) chest pain, vomiting (some dry heaving) no control of right arm (shaking) and of course i was in panic becuase i was scared....all this becuase i forgot new medication means NO DRINKING!!!! i was jsut upped on my med ication from only 10mgof lexapro to 40mg of leaxapro, 30mg of buspar, and birth control and i am a binge drinker. i drank less than i normally did becuase i had blacked out b4 i could drink nemore. sat nite i had 8 double shots of vodka i usually drink more so i know the meds and alcohol did it in for me. i did not do this on purpose. i have really been working on not having suicidal thoughts. i havent hurt myslef in weeks. i have been going to thearpy and i was SO stupid for drinking that much on new med.  but to honest its the only time i can forget all these emotional and mental problems i am having when i used to be so independent and involved.  these days im withdrawn and fighting depresseion and panic attacks and not doing anything for myslef.

so here is the big issue my mom came down from cali to pretty much i guess beat the mess out of me bcuz she was so angry for what i had did (once again i didnt do it on purpose) so she wants to know how did i get into such a crisis that im on meds, hurting myslef, fighting this other me to not kill myslef, why do i  have panic attacks, why am i depressed, what happen to the kayla she knew? is this for attention? NO things are actually worse when i am alone becuase i have no around me to feel safe (part of my dependency issue) are you lazy and jstu dont wana do anything? NO im afraid to do anything. im afriad to move on and go outside and go to class. i dont like sitting in the house but i dont like being out around too many ppl where i cant escape.

the truth is most days i dont wana be here anymore i feel it would be better if i didnt have to suffer this way anymore. if i didnt have to feel  like i was dying multiple times a week (thank you jesus that you have blessed me to not to feel that way more than once a day now) as you can see im obviously am having issues with my faith. kayla still belives and prays but this other person....wants me to die.

there are so many more things going on within this situation including alot of things im feeling and think. im missing school (though making good grades) im not listening to my dads house rules. (cleaning, that sat i was drunk i did not make it home til 8am my curfew was at 2am and i still had to find a way to get my dads car becuz i coudlnt drive) there are sooooooooooooo many things going on that i am leaving out...but the problem is.......how do you tell you mother?

I never did share my art with my new friends ... think you might like the piece entitled "Bi-Polar."  You may see a lot of my personality in my work as well as my disease.  Enjoy. 

Louie  http://rochonsculpture.artspan.com/

This SharePost is a response letter to a friend from this forum as it represented where my head is at this am. 

Hope you don't mind, MC.

 

Dear MC,

 

Thanks for your comments. It's true that when I write, I challenge my intentions; it's almost like I have discussions with my 'self,' on paper. Hey, why not? We do it all the time in our heads. It's kind of fun when you write it down as you can actually see the demons working away at you, each trying to have their way with you. Kind of P_____sses them off when you see them, exposed.

 

I wrote a blog a month or so ago, in which I saw for myself, firsthand, this ongoing discussion - (fight for controlling interest of my head).  Check it out if you are interested ... http://www.uswalker3.blogspot.com/

 

I write a daily email inspiration (positive life affirming quotes, poems, parables, etc).  This daily mailing which has taken on a life of it's own over the past year, growing each day to include people from all parts of this planet, is called the 'Daily Good Dog Feeding.' 

 

Here is the story about how Good Dog was born.  I mention this because it reminds me of those two voices in my head ... as well as inviting you to receive it as my gift to you, if you'd like.

 

 

ABOUT 'Daily Good Dog Feedings' 

A friend shared a story with me about a meeting he once had with a Native American elder. This story had a great impact on me. The elder told my friend that his people believe that we all have, within us, a 'Good Dog' and a 'Bad Dog,' that are always fighting to be in control. My friend asked, "Which One Wins?" The elder simply replied, "The One That You Feed."

 

______ . ______

 

I started researching and sending out a daily inspirational message to my son as well as to reinforce the 'Good Dog' in me. Thinking my friends might find it of value, I added some people. Soon, it took on a life of it's own. This simple story, from my friend, has grown into something that has greatly improved the quality of my life and from what I hear, from people from all over the planet. What a blessing. Want to be added to the list? Email me ... uswalker3@hotmail.com

 

You or anyone else reading my rantings are welcome to receive Good Dog.  Just send me an email.  Cancel any time, if you don't like it and I will NEVER sell it out with Ads or use the names. Promise.

 

I really love to share this with people. It makes me feel great to do something that I know makes life a little better place for others.

Kind of selfish, but hey, I'm human.

 

 

You know, MC, this email column that I write every day is one of those 'God Shots,' a powerful tool that I use every morning, and have for over a year now.  I get so many positive responses from people, that I have come to look at it as a responsibility for me. 

 

Even when I am suffering from extreme depression, which is usually the first few hours of most days, this mandatory self-requirement forces me to turn my minds attention around towards a positive 'Good Dog.'

 

Without this tool, I'm afraid that I would spend many days hiding under the blankets, feeling sorry for myself and falling victim to my disease.  I am so done with that energy - having done that all my life and really don't have time for it these days! 

 

I have to admit, this may sound simple, (changing your mood by focusing on Good Dog) and it is simple ... but it is FAR FROM EASY.  Beating mental illness is not whimps!  Many days, it's like turning the Titanic around, but you know, I've found that I can always turn it around, with constant steady pressure.  Some days, it runs my ass over.  Oh well, 2 steps forward, 1 step back - Progress, Not Perfection is my goal these days.

 

Good Dog always helps turn around my attitude, inspite of my mind's intentions.  I have found that my attitude is a direct reflection of my emotions, and my emotions come from my thoughts and my thoughts come from whatever it is that I CHOOSE to focus on.  Seems to be totally backwards, putting the acrt before the horse, but it works, for me. 

 

I have found this to be a valuable tool for my emotional survival, something I need to work at, very hard, each and every day, hour by hour, minute by minute - sometimes.

 

In the Dog, I always use quotes, poems or parables that seem to address what issues I need to focus on. Funny how that works; it's almost as if I do my part and sit my ass down at my laptop ... then God takes over and writes what He wants. I am not claiming to have any inside connection with the Big Guy - it just seems that whenever I do my part, ideas pop into my head.  I just have to type. 

 

It's pretty much the same with my sculptures - I have to do my part and walk out into that cold studio when everything within me is screaming NO ... and usually, within a short time, ideas come to me and I start getting excited.  All I need to do is allow my body to move around and put stuff together and eventually, VOILA ... something is created that was just a pile of stuff.

 

One thing that I have found out for a fact ... I have never written one word or created one piece of art, from under my blankets. That is where my disease wants me to be - in bed, despising myself for my illness, trying with all it's might to convince me that I am a worth-less, use-less pathetic parasite carbon based life module.  I say F______ the disease ... I got stuff to do.  I have a life to live and even though it seems, some days, that I can literally feel it's cold breath on my neck as I am moving on, I AM moving on.  If I stop, then it catches up and takes me down.  Most days, I out run it.  Some days i don't.  That's' life.  Those days, I just stand there and hurt and that's OK. 

 

The real miracle for me these days, is that I don't feel desperate to run around trying to find something to put out the flames.  Being a Dual Diagnosis (recovering from BPII as well as an alcoholic) it is my nature to feel the need to not feel the pain, to obliterate my emotions when they hurt so bad.  In all actuality, I am addicted to damned near everything.  I am addicted to 'MORE,' more of anything has always been my answer to pain and suffering, which of course causes more pain and suffering.  You name it, food, alcohol, legal and illegal drugs, workaholism, relationships (or in my case - hostages), sex ... i mean, there is NO END to where my 'self' wants to hide.  I have spent my entire life is FEAR, which up until an accuarte diagnosis of BP and proper meds, FEAR stood for F--- everything and Run.  Today is stands for Face Everything and Recover.

 

OK, now I've noticed that my mania has kicked in as I'm rambling on and on.  Sorry mania, time to cool your jets for a while.  I'm in control these days.  Thanks for listening to my head.

 

 

God Bless Us All, We Deserve It.

 

Louie R (uswalker) http://rochonsculpture.artspan.com/mbr_bio.php

 

About a year ago, I started writing a daily email inspirational to my son, entitled 'Daily Good Dog Feeding,' which I started to help myself first thing in the morningto point my head in the right direction.  It's helped me a lot.  Since then, it has taken on a life of it's own, spreading all over the planet.  Must be helping other people point their head in the right direction as well.

Anyway ...  have been struggling with BiPolar II depression all of my life and did not have a proper diagnosis until last year.  Finally, over the past 12 months, I have found great relief, actually finding balance, most days.  This is nothing short of a miracle, for me.  Every day, I use every tool in my bag of tricks to stay well.  I fight hard for daily sanity.  I'm sick and tired of letting the demons win over my mind.

There are days that aren't so fun, but on the whole, just having hope in my life again - is simply amazing and I couldn't be more grateful.  I am so happy that I didn't end my life as I never knew life could be this good.

I wanted to share one of the quotes from a recent 'Daily Good Dog Feeding' that I have on my wall.  I take my meds, religiously, every day.  I also read all my favorite positive quotes that I have collected from my daily email project.  This is one of them.  Hope it helps you as it has me ...

 

Vaccine for Depression

"... and therein lies the genius of my teacher, my mother's mother, who fulfilled herself completely by always forgetting herself in the joy of the welfare of all those around her. This is the only real cure for depression.

It is the prescription that would come from any authentic spiritual physician. If you dwell upon yourself and your own private satisfactions, the first disappointment will throw you into a depression.

If you can train to think more and more of the needs of all those around you, to work with people around you even if they are not always pleasant, you will be making yourself immune to depression, and you will be helping others to do the same."

From

THE PROPHET, Kahlil Gibran.

 

Louie R (uswalker) 

http://rochonsculpture.artspan.com/mbr_bio.php

The ALERT System - For anxiety, panic attacks & stress

When you are confronted with a fear, challenge, pressure, or crisis which causes anxiety, panic, or stress, utilize the SEA's ALERT system:

• A - Assess

• L - Lessen

• E - Ease

• R - Relax

• T - Take Action

A - Assess First, you need to assess & identify the fear, challenge, pressure, or crisis that is creating your anxiety, panic, or stress & then identify the "sick,'' irrational & unrealistic thoughts & feelings which are at the root of the anxiety, panic, or stress for you.

L -Lessen

2nd, you need to lessen the impact of the "sick'' thinking & emotional response by countering it with new, more rational & reality based beliefs & feelings. Tools for Personal Growth contain directions how to overcome irrational beliefs & fears.  The new rational belief & emotional response in the ALERT is based on the sum total of all of the new thinking & feeling you experience in the SEA's recovery program based on the SEA's 12 steps & the material contained in the Tools For Coping Series. E - Ease 3rd, you need to ease your anxiety, panic, or stress by "self-talk'' based on your new, rational & reality based beliefs & feelings. This self-talk & self-affirmation can include visualizing yourself handling the current fear, challenge, pressure, or crisis in a successfully healthy way. The "self-talk'' needs to be reassuring that "you're a good person'' who can handle things in a healthy way. This needs to be in the form of I can, I am & I will statements. R -Relax 4th, now that you've countered the fear, challenge, pressure, or crisis with healthier, more rational & realistic thinking, emotions & self-talk you need to relax. Let go of the tension, tightness & knots in your body. Attend to the state of calmness, warmth & relaxation which comes from the releasing of the stress in your body. After you're relaxed, then you're ready to proceed. T -Take Action 5th, now you're ready to take action to confront the fear, challenge, pressure, or crisis with healthier, more rational & realistic thinking & emotions. To relieve the anxiety, panic, or stress, you take the necessary steps to change your behaviors, responses & actions. You now act in a calm, self-confident, relaxed, less anxious, less panicked & more rational manner. You take action to change the situation so that a problem resolution is possible.

you can find more of this info at coping.org & at my website http://anxieties0.tripod.com/anxieties101/id13.html