This all wentdown last friday, but it's taken me this long to get to a point where i want to document it. Kristie (sister) and I had a huge fight, and it was all my fault.
AD (bff) talkedme into coming to town friday morning. At like, 3am! We stayed up all night, getting breakfast and pissing off the whole household by laughing and waking them all up :P Anyway, around noon, I was getting hungry and bored. AD never has money. I have spent soooo much of my school loan money on feeding her and Adam b/c I hate eating in front of ppl that I know are starving, but I have to stop. I've stopped driving to Oboro so much b/c of this. I know she's not using me for food but sometimes it feels like it. Anyway, way off-topic...
So I tell AD that I wanna go see my sister, which is true. I actually miseed her and the kids. But I stopped at Subway on the way. I still had not slept at all, and I was irritable b/c my period was on its way. So I should NOT have gone to my sister's house under those circumstances!!
When I got there, no one answered the door, even tho she knew I was coming. The door was unlocked tho so I let myself in. I hollered hello and I heard her say she was in the tub, she'll be out in a few. I hear the kids back somewhere, I guess in Jordan's room, fighting, and I heard K tell Chance to "go see aunt brandie in the LR." that baby doesn't like me, nor does he care that i'm there, but he did come to the LR long enough to look at me, smile shyly, and go back to K.
I'm eating my sub sandwich so I don't really care. The dog was all over me, trying to get my food, and she always has to be in my lap and trying to lick my face. So the iritableness was building. K finally comes to the LR, she'sgot a launry basket and starts folding clothes. She starts bitching about how she does laundry EVERY SINGLE DAY, and j (hubby) never helps and caley (my oldest niece 14yo), never helps. Then she says she wants to get liposuction. OMG. !!!!
Background story: I''m FAT. I'm 5'10", 308 lbs (gained 18 lbs!! just since going on paxil last october!!). I'm the only fat person in my family. I don't know why. They are all as mentally f'd up as I am, but they I guess they starve themselves instead of stuffing themselves like I choose to do. (not my dad of course, hecould just naturally eat EVERYTHING on the planet and he only had a small belly pooch when he passed away 8 years ago at the age of 57. he was skinny everywhere else tho). Anyway, so this has been a sore spot for me lately, especially considering that my mom and sis have both had 4 kids, I've never given birth, and i'm a fatass, while they have amazing bodies. i've always been heavy, but this is my highest weight ever. but my sister and mom are always whining about being so fat! my sis is like, ' oh i just need to lose THREE(!!!!) more pounds to be at my goal weight,' as if that would just make her life SO MUCH BETTER! and mom eats double what i do at holiday dinners, and goes on about how she'll "pay " for it later, blah blah, and then she and K are encouraging me to eat more food! OMG i'm getting hot just thinking about it.
Ok, so back to friday. K is whining that she wants lipo, and jason even wants a tummy tuck! She is 32 and he is 34 or 35 btw. His family is pretty heavy, but recently his younger bro lost like 100 lbs, and while jason was only maybe 30lbs overweight max, he got started taking phentermine and starved himself, and now he looks anorexic. his newfound addiction to the tanning bed isn't helping, but i guess he likes his look. and now of course, k is getting suspicious of his motives, and jealous at the same time b/c he looks so "good" (blah, whatever!). Another note: kristie is a tightwad. She doesn't want to spend money on ANYTHING that is unneccesary, she bitches when jason's poker buddies drink the can cokes they keep in the fridge, etc., so i was blown away to hear that she would drop a couple thousand or however much it costs for plastic surgery, just to lose her imaginery saddlebags that just won't go away after "exercising all the time!!!" oh noes!!
Hearing her go on about her obvious distressing weight issues for the millionth time was irritating, but i'm used to it, so i just shut up while still stuffing my face with more food. i bought a footlong sub to eat then, and a 6 inch to eat later, but i went ahead and ate it all for some reason. i've gotten to a point where i stuff myself to the point of discomfort. i think in my mind, it's better than not feeling anything.
Good grief, i hope there's not a limit to what i can type. i have a hard time summarizing things into a few sentences, or even paragraphs. another fault of mine.
Anyway... jordan comes out of his room, he sees me, and comes over to say hi. he tells me that alyssa gave away the furberry that i bought chance a few weeks ago. i bought them both one after they saw the one i bought for my bff's nephew, and they both seemed to love it and wanted one. they are 15 bucks each. i've been buying all my sis's kids a lot of stuff lately and i really shouldn't. i can't find a job, and i'm living off my ever-dwindling student loans, while paying rent, car ins., food, etc., but i still love to see their little evil faces light up when i buy them stuff. jason has thanked me before for spoiling them, and i joked one time that i felt like i had to buy their love. i guess he told kristie that, cuz when we started fighting, she threw that in my face. along with so many other hateful things. but i'm getting ahead of myself.
oh hell, there's no way to keep this short, but here's a summary: i got pissed that alyssa gave away chance's toy to some stranger, i started putting my shoes on, k asked why i gotta be this way, i say i don't buy her kids stuff so they can give it out to kids i don't even f'ing know, we get into a shouting match, i have A SERIOUS PROBLEM B/C I BUY HER KIDS STUFF!!! i've NEVER heard anyone EVER bitch about a person buying too much stuff for their kids, but apparently, it's a mental problem of mine, and oh yeah, YET ANOTHER REASON NO MAN WILL EVER LOVE OR WANT TO HAVE BABIES WITH ME, AND WHY MOM HATES ME!!! yes, she said all that in like one sentence. i use her, i use mom, i have to buy her kids' love. i'm a monster! the mom issue, she is referring to a time, like 10 years ago, when i was living w/my bff, and mom hated her and wanted me to get my own apt. i didn't even have a job, but she told me she would pay my first month's rent and deposit and set up my utilities if i'd just make an effort to get out of april's house. i don't even remember why, april has been SO MUCH BETTER for me than my own family has, but i don't know, my family just hates everybody and loves drama, so whatever. anyway, i lost that apt. b/c i suck and couldn't keep a job, and mom had to pay more money to get me out of the lease, and i've tried paying her back (i actually had a good-paying, steady job for awhile after all this went down), and mom refused. in the meantime, i spoiled her on her bdays and holidays, giving her way much more than i ever used to be able to, and i did it happily b/c 1) i love my mother despite all the crap we've been threw (that's ANOTHER BOOK FOR ANOTHER DAY), and 2) i guess i was trying to make up for all that money she apparently 'loaned' me and i never paid back, even tho she refused, so ... i used her? yeah i'm confused too.
Anyway, screaming match! my blood is boiling, k is pissing me off so bad, i haven't felt this much anger at someone ... well, ever. i think she used to do that when we were kids tho, cuz i had a flashback to when she made me so angry that i pushed her into a bathtub when i was like 12 or something. i'm up in her face, i want to hurt her, but at the same time, i don't want to, and i hope i never get to a point where i would actually DO something like that, to anyone, and esp. when there were children around. god, i feel like such a monster! i really do. i never let my emotions out, and they boil up, and something like this sets me off, i really need to learn a better way of dealing with anger. so k tells me to leave, i grabbed the stuff i had just bought for the kids (stuff for their icee making machine), and alyssa was on the couch with her furberry, which she LOVES, and i took it away from her, and OMG WHY DID I DO THAT?? she burst into tears, and i felt soooo bad, but k said 'that's your aunt brandie for you! remember this day and what she looks like, cuz that's the last time you'll ever see her again!" ugh, just seeing that little girl's face is breaking my heart, i don't even like kids, and i joke that my sister's are demons, they are misbehaved a lot but it certainly is NOT their fault, so why did i take it out on poor alyssa????
i left, and went to mom's apt. since i moved to a town about 45 minutes away, going to school, i put my mom's address as my permanent address, with her permission, b/c i was staying at a university's dorms, but i knew that wouldn't be permanent, and now ...well i'll just say that i don't really have a permanent home, but mom said i could list her addy as my permanant address. so she gave me a key to her apt. and mailbox and i go chck my mail about once a month. here lately, it's just junk mail but sometimes i get important things from my insurance company or student loan people. so out in the parking lot (she wasn't there btw), i grabbed my notebook and wrote her a mean letter telling her about me and k's fight, and all the stuff that k said that MOM said about me, and how k was always her favorite and i've been uninvited from easter and chance's bday coming up, etc., and i hope they are all happy together. oh and i had bought mom a puzzle the night before, b/c she is working on one now and enjoys it very much, so when i saw it i thought of her and wanting to make hr happy, i bought it. but that's just me USING my mother again. cuz i do that. and my mental problems making me spend money on other ppl. oh i'm going to burn in HELL FOR THIS!
the letter was mean, but at the same time, i told her that i love her for whatever reason, that it's better that we just cut all ties since she and k have always been closer (i never felt much connection to mom anyway until after dad died, and i guess that was just b/c i wantd us to work on our relationship before i lost her too) and goodbye, here's her keys back, have a nice life. she called me sunday morning (two days later) and left a voicemail but i still can't bring myself to listen to it. i'm afraid of what it will say. so i think of that everytime i see the little voicemail symbol on my phone. i better listen to it before it gets deleted from the system, if they even do that to unread msgs, but i just can't do it yet. it's taken me this long to get to a point where i can write about it. and i'm bawling my eyes out right now.
i don't want it to be this way. i grew up watching stupid shows like growing pains and the cosby's where they all have issues with each other, but ultimately love one anotehr and can count on each other. the mother and daughters have disagreements, but the daughter still knows that she can always run to her momma when things go wrong, a boy breaks her heart, she does something wrong, or whatever. i never felt that. do real families even act that way anyway? i've always felt like i have to walk on a tight rope, b/c if i ever screw up, my family would NOT be there to back me up. if i was accused of murder tomorrow, my family would be ready to hang me. i seriously believe that. when i got pregnant last year, the first thing my sister said is that i would NOT be a good mother b/c i can't even deal with her kids, and my mother said "well, if that's what you WANTED!" and then made me PROMISE i wouldn't do anything to hurt my baby (YES, they really think i'm that much of a monster! and i don't know why), and when i miscarried, mom asked me if i had done something on purpose (even tho she knew i wanted that baby! i was scared and nervous but MY GOD, i still wanted that baby!), and now when kristie gets mad at me, she ALWAYS brings it up and says that i deserved to lose my baby b/c i'd be a HORRIBLE mother and no man wants me to have his babies anyway. that miscarriage still haunts me. it was the most painful thing that has ever happened to me, physically and emotionally, even more so than when dad died. i already beat myself up over it, but kristie brings it up all the time when we fight, like it's nothing. how can she be so cold?? she's had two miscarriages herself, and of course, the world had to stop revolving for her to recover, but when i had mine, no one even called to see if i was ok. i spent the whole week cramping and bleeding and crying and i didn't feel like i had anyone to call who would care or understand. i just wanted to call kenny and ask him to hold me, but i knew that wouldn't do any good. it was so bad. and now kristie uses it against me and it feels like she's stabbing me. it literally takes my breath away, and i end up running away from the scene isntead of telling her how much that freaking hurts me.
but ANYWAY...kristie told me never to call again (like i would), never to call caley again (she's the one that always calls me to come get her, b/c i buy her stuff and she complains to me how badly kristie treats her), and i'll never see her or the kids ever again. i was looking forward to that ham dinner on easter, too, but i had to go and start all this drama dammit.
why can't i just keep my mouth shut (and NOT write letters when i'm upset!!!!!)??????
