i live in atlanta georgia with my father and stepmother.......my mother just surprised me from california and not for a good reason. i had a bad day sunday. lets do it backwards...i was in the emergencyfor 7 hours and 20  min on sunday my symptoms: disturbed vision (i could only see outlines of things everything was a blur, couldnt even make out faces) , severe headeache ( a 10) chest pain, vomiting (some dry heaving) no control of right arm (shaking) and of course i was in panic becuase i was scared....all this becuase i forgot new medication means NO DRINKING!!!! i was jsut upped on my med ication from only 10mgof lexapro to 40mg of leaxapro, 30mg of buspar, and birth control and i am a binge drinker. i drank less than i normally did becuase i had blacked out b4 i could drink nemore. sat nite i had 8 double shots of vodka i usually drink more so i know the meds and alcohol did it in for me. i did not do this on purpose. i have really been working on not having suicidal thoughts. i havent hurt myslef in weeks. i have been going to thearpy and i was SO stupid for drinking that much on new med.  but to honest its the only time i can forget all these emotional and mental problems i am having when i used to be so independent and involved.  these days im withdrawn and fighting depresseion and panic attacks and not doing anything for myslef.

so here is the big issue my mom came down from cali to pretty much i guess beat the mess out of me bcuz she was so angry for what i had did (once again i didnt do it on purpose) so she wants to know how did i get into such a crisis that im on meds, hurting myslef, fighting this other me to not kill myslef, why do i  have panic attacks, why am i depressed, what happen to the kayla she knew? is this for attention? NO things are actually worse when i am alone becuase i have no around me to feel safe (part of my dependency issue) are you lazy and jstu dont wana do anything? NO im afraid to do anything. im afriad to move on and go outside and go to class. i dont like sitting in the house but i dont like being out around too many ppl where i cant escape.

the truth is most days i dont wana be here anymore i feel it would be better if i didnt have to suffer this way anymore. if i didnt have to feel  like i was dying multiple times a week (thank you jesus that you have blessed me to not to feel that way more than once a day now) as you can see im obviously am having issues with my faith. kayla still belives and prays but this other person....wants me to die.

there are so many more things going on within this situation including alot of things im feeling and think. im missing school (though making good grades) im not listening to my dads house rules. (cleaning, that sat i was drunk i did not make it home til 8am my curfew was at 2am and i still had to find a way to get my dads car becuz i coudlnt drive) there are sooooooooooooo many things going on that i am leaving out...but the problem is.......how do you tell you mother?

"Hope is an infallible thing. It is the one thing that you can never loose. You can't give up hope." The first time my friend David told me those words I wanted to cause him physical harm. I imagined myself hitting him very hard with a blunt object until he begged for mercy. (See, now you know why I was in therapy for so long... anger issues!) At the time, David led a small class on wedneday night called Freedom. Yes, we sat in a circle and shared our feelings. Anyway, the class that night was centered on depression. Oh, I had plenty to be depressed about. And many times have said, "I've lost all hope.", "I feel hopeless", "I want to die." So, since I am a verbal opinionated not so young lady I decided to voice my opinion. I retorted, "I don't believe thats true. I've lost hope before. I've even begged to die. I have even attempted suicide before."

He looked at me and said, "So when you tried to kill yourself what where you placing your hopes on?"

Without thinking I said, "Well, I was hoping to die. But, obviously that didn't work out."

"See, you didn't loose hope. It didn't magically go away. You just placed it in something else. Something that couldn't help you or give you joy."

At this point, I realized what he was saying was true. (Which inherently made me want to hurt him all the more!) I misplace my hope, faith and trust in things and people that can't help. So, when everything is lost, and theres nothing left where do you put hope in? Cars? Material possessions? Money? Family? All things will fail you. They will. Its a fact, not a theory.

Recently, I watched the new Rambo. Its like the millionth Rambo they have come out with. But this one was different. First off, it was more violent and bloody. Second, it was about the people in Burma, and medical missionaries that got capture there. This was an awefully graphic depiction of what these people went through. Some of them lived. But they all had one thing hope.

I personally place my hope in God. When life happens God is always there. Some have said to me, if your God is so great, why did he let you get in the car accident? I always answer the same way. Let me? It called free will. You can't have love without it. I love Val Kilmer, but I'm sure that if I kidnap him and lock him in the basement and say, "love me now!!!", not only would I be arrested, he definately would not love me. The greatest thing about Love is the freedom to choose. And that is where I place my Hope, in a God that is Love.

p.s. I also got my anger issues resolved in that same class. It took a couple of years.