Today seems to be another good day, they have been few and far between. I really haven't been feeling right,I'm dizzy (i think from a med I am taking),and have little energy. There are so manythings I need to be doing but this lack of energy just keeps me down. I need to get up and go.Certainly clean the house a bit,take a shower,especially with my peeing problem. My Dad has beengone now for over 6 months, I can't say it is as painful as it once was,it is nolonger like a knife sticking in my heart,and I can go a few days without crying, I try to remember the good times and what a fabulous life he had and how his kids and grandsons adorned him and looked up to him and how for 53 years he had the love of a good woman-which will last till the day she is placed in the ground next to him and in the afterlife they will roam together forever,united.

This SharePost is a response letter to a friend from this forum as it represented where my head is at this am. 

Hope you don't mind, MC.

 

Dear MC,

 

Thanks for your comments. It's true that when I write, I challenge my intentions; it's almost like I have discussions with my 'self,' on paper. Hey, why not? We do it all the time in our heads. It's kind of fun when you write it down as you can actually see the demons working away at you, each trying to have their way with you. Kind of P_____sses them off when you see them, exposed.

 

I wrote a blog a month or so ago, in which I saw for myself, firsthand, this ongoing discussion - (fight for controlling interest of my head).  Check it out if you are interested ... http://www.uswalker3.blogspot.com/

 

I write a daily email inspiration (positive life affirming quotes, poems, parables, etc).  This daily mailing which has taken on a life of it's own over the past year, growing each day to include people from all parts of this planet, is called the 'Daily Good Dog Feeding.' 

 

Here is the story about how Good Dog was born.  I mention this because it reminds me of those two voices in my head ... as well as inviting you to receive it as my gift to you, if you'd like.

 

 

ABOUT 'Daily Good Dog Feedings' 

A friend shared a story with me about a meeting he once had with a Native American elder. This story had a great impact on me. The elder told my friend that his people believe that we all have, within us, a 'Good Dog' and a 'Bad Dog,' that are always fighting to be in control. My friend asked, "Which One Wins?" The elder simply replied, "The One That You Feed."

 

______ . ______

 

I started researching and sending out a daily inspirational message to my son as well as to reinforce the 'Good Dog' in me. Thinking my friends might find it of value, I added some people. Soon, it took on a life of it's own. This simple story, from my friend, has grown into something that has greatly improved the quality of my life and from what I hear, from people from all over the planet. What a blessing. Want to be added to the list? Email me ... uswalker3@hotmail.com

 

You or anyone else reading my rantings are welcome to receive Good Dog.  Just send me an email.  Cancel any time, if you don't like it and I will NEVER sell it out with Ads or use the names. Promise.

 

I really love to share this with people. It makes me feel great to do something that I know makes life a little better place for others.

Kind of selfish, but hey, I'm human.

 

 

You know, MC, this email column that I write every day is one of those 'God Shots,' a powerful tool that I use every morning, and have for over a year now.  I get so many positive responses from people, that I have come to look at it as a responsibility for me. 

 

Even when I am suffering from extreme depression, which is usually the first few hours of most days, this mandatory self-requirement forces me to turn my minds attention around towards a positive 'Good Dog.'

 

Without this tool, I'm afraid that I would spend many days hiding under the blankets, feeling sorry for myself and falling victim to my disease.  I am so done with that energy - having done that all my life and really don't have time for it these days! 

 

I have to admit, this may sound simple, (changing your mood by focusing on Good Dog) and it is simple ... but it is FAR FROM EASY.  Beating mental illness is not whimps!  Many days, it's like turning the Titanic around, but you know, I've found that I can always turn it around, with constant steady pressure.  Some days, it runs my ass over.  Oh well, 2 steps forward, 1 step back - Progress, Not Perfection is my goal these days.

 

Good Dog always helps turn around my attitude, inspite of my mind's intentions.  I have found that my attitude is a direct reflection of my emotions, and my emotions come from my thoughts and my thoughts come from whatever it is that I CHOOSE to focus on.  Seems to be totally backwards, putting the acrt before the horse, but it works, for me. 

 

I have found this to be a valuable tool for my emotional survival, something I need to work at, very hard, each and every day, hour by hour, minute by minute - sometimes.

 

In the Dog, I always use quotes, poems or parables that seem to address what issues I need to focus on. Funny how that works; it's almost as if I do my part and sit my ass down at my laptop ... then God takes over and writes what He wants. I am not claiming to have any inside connection with the Big Guy - it just seems that whenever I do my part, ideas pop into my head.  I just have to type. 

 

It's pretty much the same with my sculptures - I have to do my part and walk out into that cold studio when everything within me is screaming NO ... and usually, within a short time, ideas come to me and I start getting excited.  All I need to do is allow my body to move around and put stuff together and eventually, VOILA ... something is created that was just a pile of stuff.

 

One thing that I have found out for a fact ... I have never written one word or created one piece of art, from under my blankets. That is where my disease wants me to be - in bed, despising myself for my illness, trying with all it's might to convince me that I am a worth-less, use-less pathetic parasite carbon based life module.  I say F______ the disease ... I got stuff to do.  I have a life to live and even though it seems, some days, that I can literally feel it's cold breath on my neck as I am moving on, I AM moving on.  If I stop, then it catches up and takes me down.  Most days, I out run it.  Some days i don't.  That's' life.  Those days, I just stand there and hurt and that's OK. 

 

The real miracle for me these days, is that I don't feel desperate to run around trying to find something to put out the flames.  Being a Dual Diagnosis (recovering from BPII as well as an alcoholic) it is my nature to feel the need to not feel the pain, to obliterate my emotions when they hurt so bad.  In all actuality, I am addicted to damned near everything.  I am addicted to 'MORE,' more of anything has always been my answer to pain and suffering, which of course causes more pain and suffering.  You name it, food, alcohol, legal and illegal drugs, workaholism, relationships (or in my case - hostages), sex ... i mean, there is NO END to where my 'self' wants to hide.  I have spent my entire life is FEAR, which up until an accuarte diagnosis of BP and proper meds, FEAR stood for F--- everything and Run.  Today is stands for Face Everything and Recover.

 

OK, now I've noticed that my mania has kicked in as I'm rambling on and on.  Sorry mania, time to cool your jets for a while.  I'm in control these days.  Thanks for listening to my head.

 

 

God Bless Us All, We Deserve It.

 

Louie R (uswalker) http://rochonsculpture.artspan.com/mbr_bio.php

yeah. my friends they are gorgeous, skinny, and confident. sure i was pretty, skinnyish, but confident...hell noo. i would never be confident. i became anorexic in 7th grade (the first time around). i ate rarely and worked out much too hard. which was something that was not healthy or normal. but, people may ask...did you want to die? the answer is no. i just wanted to know what it was like for them to be everything that they were. no they did not always have it easy. but i would much rather have it like that than what i had. so i was caught in the middle of the second time in 7th grade. which was not an easy confrontation for anyone. i thought that was the worst had been done and that it would be hell telling my friends. but little did i know, that hell was only yet to come. and being anorexic, was one of the best parts of my life.  i will never regret it, but my life then was good. it just got worse and worse and worse from there.