I am depressed, hopeless, feeling suicidal, abandoned, friendless.

Lost. 

 On Fibromylagia Awareness Day I wanted to do something special at the college I attended, but I didn't have the energy. This quarter I have 2 online classes, I don't think the extra energy to attend the classroom is in me right now.

I called the local newspaper on Friday May 9th, The Post Bulletin, and asked if they were publishing anything for Fibromylagia AwarenessDay and the Gentlemen that answered said "yes he thought Jeff from the health dept was running something." I said thank you and hung up. I thought about this a bit more and decided it was a bit more personable to me and I wanted to say more.

I called back to the editorial dept. and started rambling on (like I have been known to do to who ever answer the phone-like they know who I am-), and this new gentlemen expalined to me he wasn't the first person.I felt so silly like always.

This second person ended up being Jeff from the health dept. There was going to be a small add in the paper on Fibromylagia and there was going to be speakers up at the Capital. However, he was going to interview a family that he was going to run an article on at a later date and asked me if I wanted to be interviewed as well, I accepted. Well we ended up talking the phone for over an hour.

Jeff asked some basic questions such as when you say you hurt all over, what do you mean? or Do you think some doctors don't believe that fibro even exist ?  I spoke of the emotional part of fibro with him, feeling alone and isolated most of the time. I declined the family photo unlike the other "family" he will be interviewing. I am alone in my struggle with no support and this is why I declined the family photo. My son reminded me not to long ago that it has been quite a few years now that I haven't felt good. He didn't remember when I last felt good. I about started to cry because he was half saying it as a smartass and half as concern so both ways I wanted to cry.

I got into more depth with this reporter and explained to him how chronic fatigue and fibro were connected to each other and he had to refrase me. "So you think Chrinic Fatigue and Fibromylagia are related", I said "very much so if not one in the same". I got into detail about how the medical community needs to recognize CFS just as much as fibro and if you go to the Center for Disease Control they actually launched a national campaign in 2006 for doctors to start recognizeing CFS and on their web site doctors can continue their education and receive college credits 

http://www.cdc.gov/cfs/

another site that is a basic site to explain your immune system is

http://encarta.msn.com/encyclopedia_761575681/Immune_System.html

I think if my immune system would have been better perpared and not so run down, I wouldn't be in the shape that I am in right now. I do want to thank God for the opportunity to try and understand my situation and ask him for his guidence because I use to, and still do, want the answers yesterday to what am I suspose to do. One day at a time is hard.

 Anyways I did my share of awareness and I have a feeling it isn't going to stop here for this town that I live in, at least not for me. Maybe it won't be an everyday thing, but before Jeff at the Post Bulletin, I was creating waves around this town with this clinic that so many look up to, and we should for many things. My mother had a massive stroke with her whole left side down. Now less than 1 year later she is back at home and is driving-how awsome is that! However, research money is not being spent in all the right directions.

I fly to Seattle to the www.fibroandfatigue.com  now with great hopes. My primary care is aware of this and is ok with this as well. The problem is I need to get organized as a person to get my supplements and other things together. Right now I can hardly organize myself with daily living let alone anything else. I just cannot understand what happened to me almost overnight....I was slipping for quite a while though but almost overnight I became so inmobile and out of sorts.

I have had Fibromylagia-FMS for 8  years (along with other things I hope to discuss at a later time), but only recently diagnosed with Chronic Fatigue Immune Syndrome-CFIDS or CFS.

I hurtmy neck 8 years ago and went through all the standard testing. I(WE) know that the standard testing doctors perform with people with fibro are always ok. I would like to share my MRI from 8/18/2000

I have mild kyphosis of the cervical spine centered at C4-5 level with diffuse disk bulge at C4-5 which is slightly eccentric to the left. There is no significant central spinal or neural foraminal stenosis.

At C5-6 level, there is a more prominent diffuse disk bulge which is eccentric to the right with impression on the ventral aspect of the thecal sac and minimal distortion on the ventral aspect of the spinal cord. There is no intramedullary signal abnormality within the visualized cercical spinal cord. Bone marrow signal characteristics are normal for age. (* For Age* is a courious one to me, along with studies with people with fibro have more neuro endings or neuro transmitters in their spinal canal*)

My more recent MRI states about the same thing and the Spine Center tells me my disk are the same (I read the report and it does read about the same except noe C-3 is also involved). Doctors still won't do anything for my neck and I continue to have a headache with different severety daily. I recently seen a headach specialist and he put me on topamax with hopes to help my daily headaches. After being on 100mg for about 5 mon and no success, I will be going off soon. I think topamax may have helped to stabalize my weight, so I hope my weight will at least maintain. Topamax made 17 different meds I am on....to many!

 My Chiropractor has looked at both my MRIs and has no doubt that my neck was due to an injury, and I now have bone spurs growing on each side of my neck which is the bodys natural way to protect itself. I have had a headache everyday for the last 8 years!I also have 3 other places in my back that has degenerative disk that gives me problems. I had a job at the time that was physically demanding (or was it the supervisor who didn't really like me). ( oh and by the way Workers comp took no responsibility-even in the payments of my medical tests)

At the time of my accident I didn't understand what was happening to me. I was active young mother who now hurt. Just to maintain getting to work and functioning there was challenging. I couldn't do/enjoy the things I once did. I did manage to get out of the machine operator occupation since this was going to kill me, and I went into retail. This helped some. Everything always helps at first.

 As time went on I seem to be in a Fibro flare up everyday. I hurt, my muscles had bubbles that could be rubbed out only to come back within hours. My head hurt on top of everything else and it was coming from my neck. My doctor would give me only a few pain pills or whatever at times, but we have all been looked at by some one or another for wanting to be a druggie. Pain pills, muscle relaxants, sleep aids whatever the case. I have disk that push into my spinal canal and fibro and degenerative disk and my doctor still wants to be scarce on things. My biggest complaint was I wanted something for my headaches and my neck/back aches without making me tired because I had to work.

  I was  tired all the time. I would get up in the morning thinking of looking forward to getting off of work to take a nap! My doctor just said it was the fibro. Flares I thought would come and go but not stay.  Co-workers thought I looked grumpy all the time when I was just concentrating so hard just to be able to accomplish my task at hand.I worked my way up into the company to a postion that was less physically demanding. I worked in Vault/Bookkeeping area of a major retail store. I managed between $120,000 to $200,000 a day for deposit. ( I told you this for later on) I complained to my doctor that my "wake" hours of a day was decreasing. All I could do is work. When I got home there was nothing left. He had no answers for me, just said it was the fibro.

I found myself this last year slipping backwards.  My memory, cognative skills, getting confused, sleeping more, hurting more, fecal incontanance getting worse. I cried for help to the medical community with no success. I live close to a well known clinic yet they are a bit conservative on most things. I went to these dept ( You may be able to see the humor)

• The Spine Center
• no change-I was told that "Some people have bulging disk and never even feel them"-I told that doctor he told me that same line 8 years previously and that "I wasn't other people" and "I did feel them" either pinching in my neck or constantly up my neck and causing me a headache on my left side.
• He did send me down to get cortisone in my faucet joints with no success.

 

• Neurology
• Had me do an MRI-was concerned for headaches and the fluid that would be in my ears when I would get up-all ok
• Wasn't worried about my fecal incontance-"well I sure was"
• I tried to discuss an issue but it was short lived:
• people with Fibromylagia have more neuro transmitters especially in their spinal colom and the Neurologist cut me right off and told me that this has never been proven. Yes it has, but he was the expert, not I. (I thought this was a bit vain for such an important position at such an important clinic)(I also thought that maybe this was the reason why I was feeling these disk bulging into my spinal canal so much compared to others)
• Did send me to get memory testing done-this was very different and I thought for sure I failed-all ok
• I was in school part time and my homework that would take me 4 hours was now taking me double the amount of time need .
• I was getting confused on elevators of where I needed to go.
• Driving  I would get confused where I was going, when I would figure it out I would make wrong turns to get out of the parking lot.
• Always late for work, I am always late for everything anymore.
• One morning I got up and was trying to get dressed and I didn't know what came first my pants or my shoes!

 

• Neorology Surgeon
• Couldn't tell where to operate? Muscle, tendon, nerve, ligament so to leave alone keep on meds ( I don't want to be on 17 meds, I am starting to get confused doing my weekly meds) I didn't have to do all these meds before I hurt my neck, before I got fibromylagia! Frustrating.

 

• Gastroenterology
• Had me do balloon holding to test my strength of my abdominal floor muscles-are ok
•  my fecal incontinence-to quit drinking pop..why didn't I think of this..I did for over a month all caffeine and all artificial sweetners....no luck

 

• ENT
• Chronic sinus infections and problems with my and teeth with my ears feeling like they were going to blow out- mostly my left side as if it was swimmers ear with headaches and I have had this for 8 years since the accident! The only thing new is the severity of the pressure in my ears and now the wetness in my ears
• Ordered a CAT scan since I haden't had one  in 3-4 years-all ok
•   The fluid drainage from my ears is probably caused     from my headaches. This one sounded to crazy to me!  The Pressure who the """ knows.

 

• Vascular Lab
• I thought I was going to have my upper extremeties done and when I got there my lower extremeties got hooked up. The tech even called my doctor to make sure he didn't want the upper half done as well since I was there and my primary said no.
• This wouldn't be the first time showing p for test where they only "half' tested an area that could have been tested the full area so I didn't have to come back another time a couple months down the road.
• I remember being with my primary care and asking to have my neck be checked out. My chiropractor thought I could have (therosaic outlet-sorry about the spelling) and my mother had had a stroke. (My chiropractor had even sent a letter to the Spine Center in regards to this and asked Dr " "' to get back with me, but he never did) My primary care said there was steps and channels to take first. If he just sent me there for my neck and he quit speaking. He set up the appointment for the vascular study-my lower half only come to find out!
• Memory Testing
• My cognative skills were declining and it was more than just for getting where you parked your car. I was actually getting confussed doing things, understanding things. This test was very different. I thought for sure I wasn't doing very well and was getting nervous since I couldn't get the lady to smile at all. This test came back as I am ok too-good thing to know, but I am not ok and something is going on in me and I need help and no one seems to be able to help me....
• Womens HealthEarly Menoupause done at 42, started at 32
• They suggested to go on the HRT patch instead of a pill. Talked with me about several issues and sent me to do a breast exam on my left side only-everything ok.
• Cancer Genetics-since it ran in the family but my chances are not that high of a percentage.

 

• Physical Therapy
• Iwas late and he was arrogant and actually told me there was nothing more he could do for me. If Doctor (the referring doctor) would have looked at doctors (the spine center doctor) notes. I felt this was a arrogant comment since I haven't been to a physical therapist since my accident 7-8 years previously. I had been followed up in the Spine Center all this time and I do wonder what the Spine Center notes say and should obtain them.  After talking with this therapist for a while he and I did decide he could show me some new exercises to do.  I was using my neck muscles incorrectly. He told me that it wasn't uncommon after an injury to learn to use your muscles differently/incorrectly to compensate for an injury.

 

• Others As well

I am sure many of you with any "invisible disease" can appreciate the above doctor vistis that got me no where after spending thousands of dollars. I know I wasn't ok so I made a decesion to go out of state for help to the Fibromylagia  and Fatigue Centers http://www.fibroandfatigue.com/ I am not working and my funds are running low so I hope to continue with this. I did my research and this is where I want to be.

I have frustration at the doctors that I have seen for 22 years yet I can see humor in it as well. I got scared not knowing where to turn to and made the decesion to go to the Fibro and Fatigue Center FFC myself with the suport of my doctor as well. As he said, I have had not much help with the medical community-it is a "treatment center" for FMS/CFIDS. HE said the success rate at a cancer center is greater so maybe this center will be greater for fibro.

I

 

 I know I said this but I wanted to say it again. When I was falling a sleep waiting for the doctor to come in to see me and complaining about this makes me know now about CFIDS.

This is what has my interest and passion for learning. CFS is another chronnic illness doctors have a hard time diagnosing. The Center for Disease Control has several interesting topics and doctors can go there and obtain college credits for learning about CFS and how to diagnose. Left untreated CFS can cause other medical problems.

 I was diagnosed with CFIDS by the FFC center. Through my blood work at the center, this is my weakest point.

My passion is to learn about Autoimmune diseaese as well

American Autoimmune is something I recently I stumbled across. My mothers sister has MS and Lupas which are autoimmune diseases. I have Fibromylagia, Chronic Fatigue, Raynauds, Allergis Rhinitis which are autoimmune diseases. Autoimmune  Thyroid Disease is interesting since the FFC center just put me on thyroid medicine and Autoimmune Inner Ear Disease is also interesting since I have such problems with my ears and mostly my left one.

http://www.aarda.org/

 

I have been keeping my moods (and tears) to myself since I was 11 and first started to show symptoms. Funny..having just been diagnosed as BP 1 at the age of 31, I think that some people in my family don't realise it's such a big deal, or don't really believe it, because I have spent do much energy over the last 20 years keeping all the agony and ups and downs well hidden. My facade was build stronger than the Berlin wall but even that monsterous construction built to divide had to come down eventually.

I don't do drugs or drink; have been married for 11 years, am still working but it is just so hard. I feel like I can't keep up the effort trying to keep it together anymore. I guess if I had to sum up my life in one word to date it would be "suffering". Don't get me wrong...I am quite happy some of the time. I am lucky to be married to a great guy who has been with me all the way. I have at times achieved greatness academically, in my career and in my creative pursuits. But sustaining anything has always alluded me. Nothing lasts because I cannot go the distance. things start to slip and spirial out of control. I start to worry about what I am doing, the self doubts creep in and take over, soon I am not answering the phone, then not leaving the hours, or the bed or sofa. I am worthless. I am nothing. I am pain absolute. I feel no pain just numbness that goes on forever.

 One day suddenly the sun will shine again, the birds will chirp and I will begin to see them again.  

Something awakens in me. I feel alive. I feel free. I feel happy. I feel such joy in life that my heart could burst with the enormity of it all. I push myself to make the most of every experience. I achieve again. I am great. I take on more and more and more because it is my destiny. I hear music and laugh at the strangest things. I cannot stop. I cannot sleep. It coarse through my veins like poison. Every muscle is tense and ready for action. My mind is a wide screen tv constantly playing and replaying the interactions of yesterday, today, and tommorrow. I talk too fast that no one can understand. I spend too much money. I spend out of control and love the power it gives me. I write elbourate business plans guaranteed to make my fortune. I stay up all night. I organise the house til 2am that has fallen into disorder during depressions past. Life is grand for me but no so grand for those around me. I start to stumble and fall. I cannot keep up with what I have started. Nothing gets finished. Projects and inspirations lie abandoned. I am confused. I am exhausted. I cannot get up. I crash again and wait for the day the sun started shining again.

I am just about to start medication for the first time so am not looking forward to the process of that. I am looking forward to hopefully the point in the future whether I have found something that works for me and doesn't take to much of me away with the rollarcoaster ride. Not that I really know who I am anymore. What is me? What is my illness? What is balance and what is normal? Too much time has been lost and can never be claimed back again. Time to start again. Time for a new beginning.

Woke up with the whows today. Can't seem to get shit straight or focus on simple tasks that need to be done for the day. A little bit of pain in the joints and fatigue. But trying to not let that stop me from doing what needs to be done for the day. Rosie called but I don't really want to call her back. I'm hurt and don't want to talk with anyone today. Would just like to curl up in a ball and not feel for the day or breath. (Is that an option??) Did go outside for a quick drive to get some air. Heard on the radio that there will be a little gathering in the park on Thursday downtown for Lupus. whoopy! Lupus is going to have a party. Very ho-hum today. Don't mind me. Kinda feel like Eeore.

In 2000, I under went the 52 debreadement surgies of the tibia bone, a second and third total knee replacement, untold hospitilizations, daily trips to the hospital (the place in the world where I hate the most)!

What was fun about this journey was I developed guts like no other time in my life. I put signs on my door that read: 

 If Your Are Coming In to Tell My I Am Dying, You're Too Late!

If You Are Thinking About Telling Me I am Dying, You Are Fired!

If Your My Doctor and You Don't Know What To Say,  I Need a Different Doctor!

When You Enter This Room Bring HOPE or don't come In

I had the guts to fire doctors and residents to a total of 19 off of my caseload and off of my medical treatment team. I left nothing to chance or assumption.

A lot of the medical staff didn't like me and I was fighting to hard to the chance to dream again that I didn't care.

What sits in my heart still are these moments.

At home standing in my kitchen with a can of tomato soup. I had been so sick from all the antibiotics and the side affects and having so much trouble from the head injury that I didn't know how to open the can of soup. I didn't have the associations to the can opener or to a pan or to the stove or turning it on! Standing there alone I knew I was sicker than I had ever been in my life!

One other moment in the haze that peeks through is:

Having a total knee replacement after praying for most of my teenage years for one, and then facing loosing it. I am a very pictured individual. I picture things in my head. For example: (If I wanted to walk what would it look like, what would I be doing)! Somewhere along the way when I gave up hope, I also gave up dreaming! So sick, sitting on the edge of the hospital bed, I realized with complete dismay I couldn't dream! When exactly did I give up dreaming, don't know. But this day, I couldn't even picture what it would be like to put both feet on the floor. I felt so scared. Not because of being sick but because of what I had given up and because of how much more I was already will to give up without a fight. I knew in my heart I had to find a way to change this. I did want to live but I wanted to life with dignity, with quality of life (outside of this hospital I had been in for 7 months) so where was I going to start to make this happen and how could I do it in a way where I would bring others with me?

Then, after healing coming into the new orthopedic surgerons office (I had fired the previous medical director of orthopedics at the most major hospital and sued her for medical malpractice, medical neglance, and about nine other counts) I had been in a wheelchair from 1998 to 2001 and I decided one day I was going to walk. I can to the big office in my fancy new red electric wheelchair (which he helped me get) and my loft strand crutches were in their holder. I turned to get them out. The first wispers from the staff at the front desk: "You better get the nurse manager, I don't think she is suppose to be doing that." The second conversation was a staff whispering (loudly) around the corner, "Kirsten is getting up to walk, she can't do that her leg doesn't have any bone left." The third confersation between nursing staff and a couple of interns was panic, "What room is the doctor in, he needs to stop Kirsten before we get sued too."

Well, all of this just made me more determined then they could have imagined. On legs that felt like jello and wobbled just as much, I grabbed my crutches, latched my arms and them and I stood. The staff insisted on grabbing me and trying to force me to sit down. This is what I said.

It should not matter to you that I am up and walking. How many times in the last nine months have you told me I was dying? How many times did pitty reflect in your distance? How many times did you smile, never looking at me, always my leg and them walking away?

Now, it is my turn. If it makes you more comfortable you can put a walking belt on me and call a Pt in but I will walk all the way down this all today! It does not matter to me that you don't have the time. I do! It does not matter to me today that you don't have the faith that this can happen for me because I do. I woke up this moring and I knew in my heart that I was giving up because you all had each in your own way given up on me.

I will not give up I almost shout! I will fight back and if you can't support me in believing I can get well, then get off of my caseload!  If you can, I welcome your support!

 I am standing not realizing there are about 45 different staff and staff members and called others that I knew in different departments to come over. 

All of a sudden, I look up and at each person's face and I make one more bold move. I look at each staff and doctor, I approach each one and I ask, are you on board, can you shift to believing in this miracle or not. Those that could I shoke hands with and thanked.

I took my first step. I was scared out of my mind. What if I really couldn't do this, would everyone give up again. So, I took my second step.

This was hard. My feet were dragging. My legs were so week. By my heart and my arms were strong. God was with me in my heart and in my body. I kept telling myself outloud, put one foot in front of the other. I know you can do it. So, this started my walking down the longest hall of my entire life. It took me two hours to walk 150 feet.

The best part of this walk was when I was all done, the staff and the patients aplauded and carried on like no one's business. When I am discouraged like now. I can carry each person with me in my heart. I can hear the aplause then the impossible happens today! That makes for a remarkable part of this scary journey.

 

That "new" med is really an "old" med called Gabapentin which I think is really Naurotin, or something and I'm not quite sure if it's going to work or not. All it seems to do is make me even more tired than I already am.

Nothing will ever be perfect because that's just the way it is and... I wouldn't want perfect anyway.

I'm really trying here to get over this depression. Maybe the Lexapro just isn't working right.  Maybe this is why I'm so tired. Maybe the doctor has me on too many different meds.

I shouldn't be depressed. I shouldn't be tired. I shouldn't be sick. I'm tired of feeling like this. My plan is to live to 104. I have so many things that I want to do, things that I still want to learn, new things to try. How am I going to do this? My mind just races thinking of all of the things I used to take for granted and now want back.

Well..today is going to be a beautiful day. I think I'll go take a walk out to the back pasture and see some of the calves. They always cheer me up and I hear them "mooing" right now. Think positive and just be thankful! :)

   Well, this is my first entry into my diary.  I had actually forgotton about this site.  I wish I had remembered it earler, I really could have used the support.

   I don't have anything profound to say today.   I lost my driver's license again last week.  Second time this year.  Never told my husband, so he calls me while I'm in the middle of getting my picture taken at the DMV.  I told I would call him back.

 In a fibro fog for most of the time, I never noticed that my tags were expired, don't remember getting anything in the mail, and I forgot to get my emissions.  Anyway, had to pay $100.50 fine. Then, I had to go to the doctor, the rheumatologist.  I really like her.  I would highly recommend her if you need a doctor in Maryland.  We talked.  I told her I was miserable.  She asked me what changed.  She said last time I was there, about 2 months ago, I was happy and doing well.  I told her it was a matter of attitude, and right now mine wasn't in fight mode.  I just wanted to go home and go to bed. 

   Then there was rehearsal.  And the drama!  I think that's over now.  We are starting to mesh, but we just have too many people.  I know that running this company is really stressful, and that stress brings on the fibro flares, but if I didn't do it, what would I do?  I can't keep a real job because I would miss 3 to 4 days a week.  I need something to identify me as me.

 

What an uncomfortable day it was for me.  My husband went off into a rage last night breaking things and verbally abusing me infront of my daughter and also verbally abusing her.  I have beensupportive of his bipolar disorder and keep trying to make things work but I have come to the point of just giving up.  I am tired of the abuse and the broken promises.  I dont want my daughter around the abuse anymore.  She is my number one.  He is a very hateful man, he will not leave knowing that he is never to come back.  He is just that way...if I want him to leave he wont...if he wants to leave he does.  I guess I will just pray to my higher power for the strength and courage.  I just dont know how to go about it.  If I was to put a restraining order on him he would flip!  I live in "small town" USA in the midwest and the police force here is not supportive to say the least.  I have called them before and they just make him leave and say that I can not kick him out because he has a right to be here because this is his house too because we are married.  Actually it isnt his house it belongs to my brother but the police still say he has a right to be here because we are married.  Ugh...which way do I go??? It was my day off and I walked on eggshells all day.  He did not utter a word, neither did I...until later on and he said "I am not taking all the blame for this" very typical for him.  Never takes ownership...Ugh...confused...

I'm not quite ready to go into the depth of my health challenges but I can say this I Am Not Broken.

I am by no means a blogger but I felt that this community is useful and neededin my life and a way to contradict aloneness that I have felt from time to time. I started my diary with a poem that I wrote a few weeks after my mother had told me about being suffocated as an infant and her reasons of why.

I grew up understanding that my mother was not well the depth of that was not understood until she told me of the suffocation on to me, when I got my mind and soul around that piece of information and working on my feeling of why I felt insignificance. A few weeks ago just when I thought my spirit couldn't be shook anymore then it had already. She called me again in a drunken stupor and most likely a blackout and informs me that she would shake me to get me too stop crying due to the withdrawals from amphetamines .

Yes I am angry! but not because of having to face racism in school and within the family's of my parents, or for realizing I like girls the way boys did, nor being raised as a JW, and having a learning challenge that I got held back in kindergarten then pasted on from grade to grade. What I am angry about is that I have been turning to my mother for support about my health challenges all these years while she was idle at doing the right thing. That is my proof of insignificance. More importantly she is dying due to alcoholism and prescription drugs, this leaves me with no recourse of reaction meaning that feels like. But i know this is not hopeless nor powerless. Yes I am grateful for the fortune of what health I do have but it dose not make the justifiable anger any less.

What an sad affair when the day came little more then two years when I had the revelation of awareness to my feeling of insignificance I had placed the blame at my fathers feet. He is an old man that has a blindness of what harm the mother of his children have endured. But he and I have been doing the best we can to regain a relationship thats been in waiting. I now know that when a child spirit is hurt so deeply to the point that her belief of her goodness and significance of self can cause questions of her humanity due to a parents drug/alcohol and mental illness.

What do I want out of all of this? Some how bring awareness to the public on the long terms effect that it has on survivors and the challenges that we live with.To help others who have survived by reminding them their not alone. How to live life with the relentless physical pain. And reclaim my belief to all goodness and significance as I AM.

With the hard work that I've have invested over 25 years on my mental and emotional life and the wisdom that has come that plus from 45 year on this planet along with the grace of the Great Spirit (GOD) maybe it wont have too take another 25 years.

 

I SIT HERE A 49 YR OLD WOMAN WITH ALL THE MEDICAL PROBLEMS THAT I HAVE AND HAVE JUST LEARNED THAT MY JOB WILL BE OVER IN A WEEK. THERE ARE NO JOBS IN OUR SMALL TOWN. HOW ARE WE GOING TO SURVIVE?

i live in atlanta georgia with my father and stepmother.......my mother just surprised me from california and not for a good reason. i had a bad day sunday. lets do it backwards...i was in the emergencyfor 7 hours and 20  min on sunday my symptoms: disturbed vision (i could only see outlines of things everything was a blur, couldnt even make out faces) , severe headeache ( a 10) chest pain, vomiting (some dry heaving) no control of right arm (shaking) and of course i was in panic becuase i was scared....all this becuase i forgot new medication means NO DRINKING!!!! i was jsut upped on my med ication from only 10mgof lexapro to 40mg of leaxapro, 30mg of buspar, and birth control and i am a binge drinker. i drank less than i normally did becuase i had blacked out b4 i could drink nemore. sat nite i had 8 double shots of vodka i usually drink more so i know the meds and alcohol did it in for me. i did not do this on purpose. i have really been working on not having suicidal thoughts. i havent hurt myslef in weeks. i have been going to thearpy and i was SO stupid for drinking that much on new med.  but to honest its the only time i can forget all these emotional and mental problems i am having when i used to be so independent and involved.  these days im withdrawn and fighting depresseion and panic attacks and not doing anything for myslef.

so here is the big issue my mom came down from cali to pretty much i guess beat the mess out of me bcuz she was so angry for what i had did (once again i didnt do it on purpose) so she wants to know how did i get into such a crisis that im on meds, hurting myslef, fighting this other me to not kill myslef, why do i  have panic attacks, why am i depressed, what happen to the kayla she knew? is this for attention? NO things are actually worse when i am alone becuase i have no around me to feel safe (part of my dependency issue) are you lazy and jstu dont wana do anything? NO im afraid to do anything. im afriad to move on and go outside and go to class. i dont like sitting in the house but i dont like being out around too many ppl where i cant escape.

the truth is most days i dont wana be here anymore i feel it would be better if i didnt have to suffer this way anymore. if i didnt have to feel  like i was dying multiple times a week (thank you jesus that you have blessed me to not to feel that way more than once a day now) as you can see im obviously am having issues with my faith. kayla still belives and prays but this other person....wants me to die.

there are so many more things going on within this situation including alot of things im feeling and think. im missing school (though making good grades) im not listening to my dads house rules. (cleaning, that sat i was drunk i did not make it home til 8am my curfew was at 2am and i still had to find a way to get my dads car becuz i coudlnt drive) there are sooooooooooooo many things going on that i am leaving out...but the problem is.......how do you tell you mother?

"Hope is an infallible thing. It is the one thing that you can never loose. You can't give up hope." The first time my friend David told me those words I wanted to cause him physical harm. I imagined myself hitting him very hard with a blunt object until he begged for mercy. (See, now you know why I was in therapy for so long... anger issues!) At the time, David led a small class on wedneday night called Freedom. Yes, we sat in a circle and shared our feelings. Anyway, the class that night was centered on depression. Oh, I had plenty to be depressed about. And many times have said, "I've lost all hope.", "I feel hopeless", "I want to die." So, since I am a verbal opinionated not so young lady I decided to voice my opinion. I retorted, "I don't believe thats true. I've lost hope before. I've even begged to die. I have even attempted suicide before."

He looked at me and said, "So when you tried to kill yourself what where you placing your hopes on?"

Without thinking I said, "Well, I was hoping to die. But, obviously that didn't work out."

"See, you didn't loose hope. It didn't magically go away. You just placed it in something else. Something that couldn't help you or give you joy."

At this point, I realized what he was saying was true. (Which inherently made me want to hurt him all the more!) I misplace my hope, faith and trust in things and people that can't help. So, when everything is lost, and theres nothing left where do you put hope in? Cars? Material possessions? Money? Family? All things will fail you. They will. Its a fact, not a theory.

Recently, I watched the new Rambo. Its like the millionth Rambo they have come out with. But this one was different. First off, it was more violent and bloody. Second, it was about the people in Burma, and medical missionaries that got capture there. This was an awefully graphic depiction of what these people went through. Some of them lived. But they all had one thing hope.

I personally place my hope in God. When life happens God is always there. Some have said to me, if your God is so great, why did he let you get in the car accident? I always answer the same way. Let me? It called free will. You can't have love without it. I love Val Kilmer, but I'm sure that if I kidnap him and lock him in the basement and say, "love me now!!!", not only would I be arrested, he definately would not love me. The greatest thing about Love is the freedom to choose. And that is where I place my Hope, in a God that is Love.

 

p.s. I also got my anger issues resolved in that same class. It took a couple of years.

Recently I got an email from a woman in Germany, desperately seeking advice on how to communicate with her BiPolar friend who is acting 'strange' (Imagine That!).  I get at leasta dozen of these type of emaials a day from my art web site (The Bio section, where I candidly talk about my depression). 

Anyway, I responded to her in my blog.  Check it out if you arre interested.

 http://www.uswalker3.blogspot.com

 

I never did share my art with my new friends ... think you might like the piece entitled "Bi-Polar."  You may see a lot of my personality in my work as well as my disease.  Enjoy. 

Louie  http://rochonsculpture.artspan.com/

It is a relatively quiet Saturday (as quiet as it can be with three boys in the house) and I am in some sort of remaniscent mood.

Because of that, I thought I would write about my situation, the past 4-years.

 After years of trying to conceive, my husband and I finally received the great news....We were expecting!!!  As the first few weeks went on, however, I found it quite unusual that I already looked like I was at the end of my first trimester.

Finally, we reached the point (6-8 weeks) where the Dr. said he would do an ultrasound and see what was going on.

He was a very nice Dr..  He explained everything that we were looking at, on the monitor.  All it looked like was a piece of rice in a ball of water, with a little blink here and there.  As we found out, that blink was the heart beating.

The Dr. made sure that we understood all that he had been explaining to us and after a very "pregnant" (not to be puny) pause, I eventually said "There are more aren't there?".  He looked at me and said yes.  he then moved around so we could see better.  My husband said "We are having Twins!".  I looked at him and said "No dear, we are having triplets.  These two are Identical twins and the other one (that the Dr. has shown first) is a singlet."

All the way home, I didn't know whether to cry or be happy.  We were definately going to have a family, and all with only one pregnancy!

As the weeks continued on, complications arrose and I was put on bedrest.  I was also referred to a High Risk Fetal Specialist.

I can't begin to tell you how many ultrasounds were done of the children.  I lost count somewhere along the line.

However, I remember at week 22, going to the Fetal Specialist and him going through the ultrasound telling us what he was looking at and how the children (which we already knew were going to be boys - all of them) were progressing......when he said "One of the Identical boys has passed away.".  We were devistated!  I made him show us how he knew for sure, and it was quite obvious.

Now, we were down to two.  Would they survive?  The remaining identical twin had a chance of passing away too, depending on how the placenta, he had shared, had developed.  Unfortunately, there was no way to find out except to just keep monitoring, hoping and praying that with each Dr. visit he would still be found alive.

The days were eternal.  I was home, alone all day long.  The only time I was allowed to get out of bed was to go to the restroom.  I was also allowed to leave the bed, walk down the hall and lay down on the sofa (I was so glad we have a single story home.  I was also glad that we have a bathroom at each end of the house too.)

At week 24 I went into pre-term labor.  At the hospital, they attempted to put me on a medication that would have allowed me to go home, but I could hardly breath after the medication was given (a side affect).  So I had to stay in the hospital, on a Magnesium drip.

At week 25, my labor again started.  For 6 hours they tried everything they could to stop it but to no avail.  I was transferred to the nearest hospital that had the highest rated NICU, in the area.

Once there, they were able to stop my labor and start me on steriods (to help mature the boy's lungs faster).

For the next 3 weeks, I was in the High Risk Maternity Ward.  Day in and day out I waisted away  the hours watching t.v. and sleeping.

Christmas Eve I had fallen asleep while watching a Christmas special.  I awoke when I neede to use the restroom and that is when everything started for myself, the High Risk Maternity Ward and Labor and Delivery.

This time, there was no stopping it.  The children were going to be born!

They were the first children, in that hospital, born on Christmas day .  Both weighed under 3 pounds. 

The twins would spend the next 2 months in the NICU and finally, come home around Valentine's day weighing over 5 pounds.

Unfortunately, for me, I had been transformed into "medical staff" and was not afforded the opportunity to be a mother.

I felt overwhelmed.  I was tired.  I was sad.  When the twins were asleep, all I could do was vegetate or cry.

My O.B. told me it was the baby blues.  I believed her because she was my doctor and I didn't know otherwise.

For months I went on like this.  I was getting worse as each day passed.  There was no way that I could return to work and the State Disability department was not convinced that I couldn't return to work.

The Disability department set up an appointment for me to go and see one of their Psychologists.

He was a terrible man!  He kept asking all kinds of questions that I couldn't answer.  He wanted me to tell him that I was depressed.  At that time, I didn't know that was what was going on with me so I told him "It's your job to diagnose me!"

Eventually, after an hour of "Police Interrigation" the appointment was over and I was allowed to leave.  I was in tears, big sobbing "buffalo" tears.  As I passed by him, on the way out of the room, he said "You had better get yourself some help before you find yourself on T.V. after having done something terrible to your children."

What a monster!

I had never thought of doing anything to my children and I had even told him that.  

I had never done anything to my children.

How could he be so cruel!

But, that cruelty sent me to a counselor who worked with me for months.

I had PPD and it has transformed into severe depression.

Would I ever see the light, at the end of the tunnel, again?

Eventually, through my counseling, I came to the point where I realized that I needed medication as well.  I started seeing a Psy.D. and have been on medication since.

After only a few months, I felt well enough to return to work and with my Dr. and counselor's approval, I sought out a new job.

Six months later, we were pregnant (not planned) again.  This pregnancy had its difficult moments too.  At week 9, halfway through a 2 week vacation and a few miles away from home (like over 2000), I had to go to the emergency room for severe abdominal pain.  We found out that I had an ectopic in addition to the child we knew I was carrying.

Needless to say, after giving birth, to our third child, at week 37, I went into PPD again.

This time, it wasn't nearly as bad.  This time I knew there was light, at the end of the tunnel.  This time I impatiently waited for the hormones to pass and the meds to take over again.

Unfortunately, I do not feel as well as I had when I returned to work, after the twins.  But there is a lot more on my plate right now:  the twins are developmentally delayed (because they were born at 29 weeks) and then have recently been found to be ASD (one is high functioning and the other is low end moderate functioning) and our little one is showing signs already.

Anyway, I did not put my story here to elicit sympathy, rather, I put it here in the hopes that it will bring some understanding to someone else, who might be suffering through any of the things I have gone or am going through.

I had nobody.  I want to be somebody for someone who has nobody.  That is why I share my story.

To start of Valentine's Day... It was a very nice day for me. I had began to worry that I wasnt going to have fun. I really worked at cooking a big meal for my boyfriend and I and truthfully, Iwas not feeling it you know, my usual happiness of the holiday. And Tim, I love the guy,but at first I didn't think I was going to enjoy the day with him and I tried hard not to make it apparent, but I know he knew. But... The thing about me is, like twenty minutes in, I was just so happy to be with him and have him near that I couldnt stay in a iffy mood. I had a very good evening with him. It was a very different type of valentine's day with him. He really just chilled and relaxed, and after the week I have been having, relaxing is just what I needed. Leave it to Tim to know what I need even when I don't know myself sometimes. thats why he is my boo. lol

But the changes in my life are due to the way I have been feeling lately. Today I did a mood chart. in the past 14 days, I have been depressed 6 days. That is almost a week out of two weeks. Only half of that time, have I been in a good mood. Of these depressed day, two days I was moderately depressed to the point of having a hard time going throughout my day. I have over slept most of these days and in the past two weeks, I have been over eating to the point of having stomach aches. I have dealt with extreme anixety 9 of these 14 days, and 1 time, I had a panic attack that cause me major distress. I thought I was dying. I delat with one maybe two hypo-manic days, which if you ask me, they are a pretty damn good time, so you dont see me complain. for those who dont know, hypo-mania is: A condition similar to mania, but not as severe. A person has a high mood and may behave strangely. But the person is able to function normally. So like I siad, its not a big deal. But the anixety is what worries me the most. The anixiety causes the depression, the bad headaches, the isolation behaviors, and the worst part, the stomach aches. My stomach hurts so bad sometimes, I don't want to move. Also, by mild case I dont mean I am not feeling this way (depressed) strongly. But I am not at the point where I can't function, I want to kill myself, or hurt myself or someone. I never have been really. I suffer mostly from moderate to severe depression. I've been like this on and off for the past month and a half, which the last time I felt like this for a long time without reason was three years ago. So a mild case means I dont go thru this much. Normally, I'll be depressed maybe three-five days, every two months or so, which is normal for most people. Its not often I get episodes like this you see.

So in light of the things that have been going on with me, I realized that it is time to make some changes. For one, due to the fact that I am suffering from what many people call a serious illness (but not serious enough for it to be an excuse for misbehaving, I am one of the lucky people to have a mild case. People tell me all the time that I am lucky), I can get a medical withdraw from school. The people at school, doctors, and my parents suggested this. I guess the main purpose of my life is to get better. Ak I feel ashamed to be truthful of having to deal with this, having this, and making my loved ones live with me like this, but then I remember that for 80% of the time, I am not like this, I'm not all that bad right now,its just anixety talking, and I don't have care what anyone thinks. The people that matter are always here for me. Thats all I need really. So... I am planning to look for full time work lol. If I'ma have free time, i'll use it to make money. I need to save anyhow and study for the entrance exam at Eastern. I still got two classes and my little after school job to keep me occupied, so till then I am getting myself together. I finally realize that I need to lol. And its gonna take some adjustments and some work, but my health is important, so that is all the matters really. (that I just realized too)

Now, I usually keep the blogs of this degree private. But, some people are misinformed about depression. The blues is not depression. Depression is disabling at times. Painful in many ways, physically, mentally. It can cause people to do alot of things that wouldnt usually do, and destroy personal relationships. It is not a way to look for attention (if I wanted attention, I'd put on a sexy outfit lol). It is not a way to back out of responsibilites. Doing all these things caused depressed people sadness. I hope that my telling you this will help you see a side of me that is usually seen as me being stuck-up, moody, or withdraw. I hope you really see the pain I am going thru and understanding that we all have our own personal battles to fight. Mine is this.

Good Day All!

Jasmine

well i jsut came back from my volunteer orientation at emory adventist for the emergency room and i was really excited. i felt like i was goin to have a good day and stay positive. i didnt even makeit out of the parking lot and it was a blanket wrapped around me u know u feel its warnth but u dont really notice the effect for a second well... too bad it was a like a blanket of depression its not like it jsut BAM BE DEPRESSED DAMNIT! but like i got mad sad and down like i sat in the car and didnt want to drive anywhere. i dotn know what happen. i have an counselor appt today at 4 and i dont even wanna go. i just want to lay in bed and cry. my chest is starting to hurt and im fighting but part of me jsut wants to forget it. it doesnt matter.  ur not gonna get better and known wants to deal with this side of you so why dont u jsut shut off the world and go to bed. what u do best.

 i dunno. its crazy. i had an ok day yesterday got myslef to school after missing a week becuz of severe panic and the hospital and the new meds and adjusting and i had a great time with my baby on valentines day so why am i starting to crash today??? i really want to be old happy me but it is so hard when all u wanna do is lay in bed and have to fight suicidal thoughts.....sometimes i jstu dont kno what to do.

This SharePost is a response letter to a friend from this forum as it represented where my head is at this am. 

Hope you don't mind, MC.

 

Dear MC,

 

Thanks for your comments. It's true that when I write, I challenge my intentions; it's almost like I have discussions with my 'self,' on paper. Hey, why not? We do it all the time in our heads. It's kind of fun when you write it down as you can actually see the demons working away at you, each trying to have their way with you. Kind of P_____sses them off when you see them, exposed.

 

I wrote a blog a month or so ago, in which I saw for myself, firsthand, this ongoing discussion - (fight for controlling interest of my head).  Check it out if you are interested ... http://www.uswalker3.blogspot.com/

 

I write a daily email inspiration (positive life affirming quotes, poems, parables, etc).  This daily mailing which has taken on a life of it's own over the past year, growing each day to include people from all parts of this planet, is called the 'Daily Good Dog Feeding.' 

 

Here is the story about how Good Dog was born.  I mention this because it reminds me of those two voices in my head ... as well as inviting you to receive it as my gift to you, if you'd like.

 

 

ABOUT 'Daily Good Dog Feedings' 

A friend shared a story with me about a meeting he once had with a Native American elder. This story had a great impact on me. The elder told my friend that his people believe that we all have, within us, a 'Good Dog' and a 'Bad Dog,' that are always fighting to be in control. My friend asked, "Which One Wins?" The elder simply replied, "The One That You Feed."

 

______ . ______

 

I started researching and sending out a daily inspirational message to my son as well as to reinforce the 'Good Dog' in me. Thinking my friends might find it of value, I added some people. Soon, it took on a life of it's own. This simple story, from my friend, has grown into something that has greatly improved the quality of my life and from what I hear, from people from all over the planet. What a blessing. Want to be added to the list? Email me ... uswalker3@hotmail.com

 

You or anyone else reading my rantings are welcome to receive Good Dog.  Just send me an email.  Cancel any time, if you don't like it and I will NEVER sell it out with Ads or use the names. Promise.

 

I really love to share this with people. It makes me feel great to do something that I know makes life a little better place for others.

Kind of selfish, but hey, I'm human.

 

 

You know, MC, this email column that I write every day is one of those 'God Shots,' a powerful tool that I use every morning, and have for over a year now.  I get so many positive responses from people, that I have come to look at it as a responsibility for me. 

 

Even when I am suffering from extreme depression, which is usually the first few hours of most days, this mandatory self-requirement forces me to turn my minds attention around towards a positive 'Good Dog.'

 

Without this tool, I'm afraid that I would spend many days hiding under the blankets, feeling sorry for myself and falling victim to my disease.  I am so done with that energy - having done that all my life and really don't have time for it these days! 

 

I have to admit, this may sound simple, (changing your mood by focusing on Good Dog) and it is simple ... but it is FAR FROM EASY.  Beating mental illness is not whimps!  Many days, it's like turning the Titanic around, but you know, I've found that I can always turn it around, with constant steady pressure.  Some days, it runs my ass over.  Oh well, 2 steps forward, 1 step back - Progress, Not Perfection is my goal these days.

 

Good Dog always helps turn around my attitude, inspite of my mind's intentions.  I have found that my attitude is a direct reflection of my emotions, and my emotions come from my thoughts and my thoughts come from whatever it is that I CHOOSE to focus on.  Seems to be totally backwards, putting the acrt before the horse, but it works, for me. 

 

I have found this to be a valuable tool for my emotional survival, something I need to work at, very hard, each and every day, hour by hour, minute by minute - sometimes.

 

In the Dog, I always use quotes, poems or parables that seem to address what issues I need to focus on. Funny how that works; it's almost as if I do my part and sit my ass down at my laptop ... then God takes over and writes what He wants. I am not claiming to have any inside connection with the Big Guy - it just seems that whenever I do my part, ideas pop into my head.  I just have to type. 

 

It's pretty much the same with my sculptures - I have to do my part and walk out into that cold studio when everything within me is screaming NO ... and usually, within a short time, ideas come to me and I start getting excited.  All I need to do is allow my body to move around and put stuff together and eventually, VOILA ... something is created that was just a pile of stuff.

 

One thing that I have found out for a fact ... I have never written one word or created one piece of art, from under my blankets. That is where my disease wants me to be - in bed, despising myself for my illness, trying with all it's might to convince me that I am a worth-less, use-less pathetic parasite carbon based life module.  I say F______ the disease ... I got stuff to do.  I have a life to live and even though it seems, some days, that I can literally feel it's cold breath on my neck as I am moving on, I AM moving on.  If I stop, then it catches up and takes me down.  Most days, I out run it.  Some days i don't.  That's' life.  Those days, I just stand there and hurt and that's OK. 

 

The real miracle for me these days, is that I don't feel desperate to run around trying to find something to put out the flames.  Being a Dual Diagnosis (recovering from BPII as well as an alcoholic) it is my nature to feel the need to not feel the pain, to obliterate my emotions when they hurt so bad.  In all actuality, I am addicted to damned near everything.  I am addicted to 'MORE,' more of anything has always been my answer to pain and suffering, which of course causes more pain and suffering.  You name it, food, alcohol, legal and illegal drugs, workaholism, relationships (or in my case - hostages), sex ... i mean, there is NO END to where my 'self' wants to hide.  I have spent my entire life is FEAR, which up until an accuarte diagnosis of BP and proper meds, FEAR stood for F--- everything and Run.  Today is stands for Face Everything and Recover.

 

OK, now I've noticed that my mania has kicked in as I'm rambling on and on.  Sorry mania, time to cool your jets for a while.  I'm in control these days.  Thanks for listening to my head.

 

 

God Bless Us All, We Deserve It.

 

Louie R (uswalker) http://rochonsculpture.artspan.com/mbr_bio.php

 

About a year ago, I started writing a daily email inspirational to my son, entitled 'Daily Good Dog Feeding,' which I started to help myself first thing in the morningto point my head in the right direction.  It's helped me a lot.  Since then, it has taken on a life of it's own, spreading all over the planet.  Must be helping other people point their head in the right direction as well.

Anyway ...  have been struggling with BiPolar II depression all of my life and did not have a proper diagnosis until last year.  Finally, over the past 12 months, I have found great relief, actually finding balance, most days.  This is nothing short of a miracle, for me.  Every day, I use every tool in my bag of tricks to stay well.  I fight hard for daily sanity.  I'm sick and tired of letting the demons win over my mind.

There are days that aren't so fun, but on the whole, just having hope in my life again - is simply amazing and I couldn't be more grateful.  I am so happy that I didn't end my life as I never knew life could be this good.

I wanted to share one of the quotes from a recent 'Daily Good Dog Feeding' that I have on my wall.  I take my meds, religiously, every day.  I also read all my favorite positive quotes that I have collected from my daily email project.  This is one of them.  Hope it helps you as it has me ...

 

Vaccine for Depression

"... and therein lies the genius of my teacher, my mother's mother, who fulfilled herself completely by always forgetting herself in the joy of the welfare of all those around her. This is the only real cure for depression.

It is the prescription that would come from any authentic spiritual physician. If you dwell upon yourself and your own private satisfactions, the first disappointment will throw you into a depression.

If you can train to think more and more of the needs of all those around you, to work with people around you even if they are not always pleasant, you will be making yourself immune to depression, and you will be helping others to do the same."

From

THE PROPHET, Kahlil Gibran.

 

Louie R (uswalker) 

http://rochonsculpture.artspan.com/mbr_bio.php