On Fibromylagia Awareness Day I wanted to do something special at the college I attended, but I didn't have the energy. This quarter I have 2 online classes, I don't think the extra energy to attend the classroom is in me right now.

I called the local newspaper on Friday May 9th, The Post Bulletin, and asked if they were publishing anything for Fibromylagia AwarenessDay and the Gentlemen that answered said "yes he thought Jeff from the health dept was running something." I said thank you and hung up. I thought about this a bit more and decided it was a bit more personable to me and I wanted to say more.

I called back to the editorial dept. and started rambling on (like I have been known to do to who ever answer the phone-like they know who I am-), and this new gentlemen expalined to me he wasn't the first person.I felt so silly like always.

This second person ended up being Jeff from the health dept. There was going to be a small add in the paper on Fibromylagia and there was going to be speakers up at the Capital. However, he was going to interview a family that he was going to run an article on at a later date and asked me if I wanted to be interviewed as well, I accepted. Well we ended up talking the phone for over an hour.

Jeff asked some basic questions such as when you say you hurt all over, what do you mean? or Do you think some doctors don't believe that fibro even exist ?  I spoke of the emotional part of fibro with him, feeling alone and isolated most of the time. I declined the family photo unlike the other "family" he will be interviewing. I am alone in my struggle with no support and this is why I declined the family photo. My son reminded me not to long ago that it has been quite a few years now that I haven't felt good. He didn't remember when I last felt good. I about started to cry because he was half saying it as a smartass and half as concern so both ways I wanted to cry.

I got into more depth with this reporter and explained to him how chronic fatigue and fibro were connected to each other and he had to refrase me. "So you think Chrinic Fatigue and Fibromylagia are related", I said "very much so if not one in the same". I got into detail about how the medical community needs to recognize CFS just as much as fibro and if you go to the Center for Disease Control they actually launched a national campaign in 2006 for doctors to start recognizeing CFS and on their web site doctors can continue their education and receive college credits 

http://www.cdc.gov/cfs/

another site that is a basic site to explain your immune system is

http://encarta.msn.com/encyclopedia_761575681/Immune_System.html

I think if my immune system would have been better perpared and not so run down, I wouldn't be in the shape that I am in right now. I do want to thank God for the opportunity to try and understand my situation and ask him for his guidence because I use to, and still do, want the answers yesterday to what am I suspose to do. One day at a time is hard.

 Anyways I did my share of awareness and I have a feeling it isn't going to stop here for this town that I live in, at least not for me. Maybe it won't be an everyday thing, but before Jeff at the Post Bulletin, I was creating waves around this town with this clinic that so many look up to, and we should for many things. My mother had a massive stroke with her whole left side down. Now less than 1 year later she is back at home and is driving-how awsome is that! However, research money is not being spent in all the right directions.

I fly to Seattle to the www.fibroandfatigue.com  now with great hopes. My primary care is aware of this and is ok with this as well. The problem is I need to get organized as a person to get my supplements and other things together. Right now I can hardly organize myself with daily living let alone anything else. I just cannot understand what happened to me almost overnight....I was slipping for quite a while though but almost overnight I became so inmobile and out of sorts.

I have had Fibromylagia-FMS for 8  years (along with other things I hope to discuss at a later time), but only recently diagnosed with Chronic Fatigue Immune Syndrome-CFIDS or CFS.

I hurtmy neck 8 years ago and went through all the standard testing. I(WE) know that the standard testing doctors perform with people with fibro are always ok. I would like to share my MRI from 8/18/2000

I have mild kyphosis of the cervical spine centered at C4-5 level with diffuse disk bulge at C4-5 which is slightly eccentric to the left. There is no significant central spinal or neural foraminal stenosis.

At C5-6 level, there is a more prominent diffuse disk bulge which is eccentric to the right with impression on the ventral aspect of the thecal sac and minimal distortion on the ventral aspect of the spinal cord. There is no intramedullary signal abnormality within the visualized cercical spinal cord. Bone marrow signal characteristics are normal for age. (* For Age* is a courious one to me, along with studies with people with fibro have more neuro endings or neuro transmitters in their spinal canal*)

My more recent MRI states about the same thing and the Spine Center tells me my disk are the same (I read the report and it does read about the same except noe C-3 is also involved). Doctors still won't do anything for my neck and I continue to have a headache with different severety daily. I recently seen a headach specialist and he put me on topamax with hopes to help my daily headaches. After being on 100mg for about 5 mon and no success, I will be going off soon. I think topamax may have helped to stabalize my weight, so I hope my weight will at least maintain. Topamax made 17 different meds I am on....to many!

 My Chiropractor has looked at both my MRIs and has no doubt that my neck was due to an injury, and I now have bone spurs growing on each side of my neck which is the bodys natural way to protect itself. I have had a headache everyday for the last 8 years!I also have 3 other places in my back that has degenerative disk that gives me problems. I had a job at the time that was physically demanding (or was it the supervisor who didn't really like me). ( oh and by the way Workers comp took no responsibility-even in the payments of my medical tests)

At the time of my accident I didn't understand what was happening to me. I was active young mother who now hurt. Just to maintain getting to work and functioning there was challenging. I couldn't do/enjoy the things I once did. I did manage to get out of the machine operator occupation since this was going to kill me, and I went into retail. This helped some. Everything always helps at first.

 As time went on I seem to be in a Fibro flare up everyday. I hurt, my muscles had bubbles that could be rubbed out only to come back within hours. My head hurt on top of everything else and it was coming from my neck. My doctor would give me only a few pain pills or whatever at times, but we have all been looked at by some one or another for wanting to be a druggie. Pain pills, muscle relaxants, sleep aids whatever the case. I have disk that push into my spinal canal and fibro and degenerative disk and my doctor still wants to be scarce on things. My biggest complaint was I wanted something for my headaches and my neck/back aches without making me tired because I had to work.

  I was  tired all the time. I would get up in the morning thinking of looking forward to getting off of work to take a nap! My doctor just said it was the fibro. Flares I thought would come and go but not stay.  Co-workers thought I looked grumpy all the time when I was just concentrating so hard just to be able to accomplish my task at hand.I worked my way up into the company to a postion that was less physically demanding. I worked in Vault/Bookkeeping area of a major retail store. I managed between $120,000 to $200,000 a day for deposit. ( I told you this for later on) I complained to my doctor that my "wake" hours of a day was decreasing. All I could do is work. When I got home there was nothing left. He had no answers for me, just said it was the fibro.

I found myself this last year slipping backwards.  My memory, cognative skills, getting confused, sleeping more, hurting more, fecal incontanance getting worse. I cried for help to the medical community with no success. I live close to a well known clinic yet they are a bit conservative on most things. I went to these dept ( You may be able to see the humor)

• The Spine Center
• no change-I was told that "Some people have bulging disk and never even feel them"-I told that doctor he told me that same line 8 years previously and that "I wasn't other people" and "I did feel them" either pinching in my neck or constantly up my neck and causing me a headache on my left side.
• He did send me down to get cortisone in my faucet joints with no success.

 

• Neurology
• Had me do an MRI-was concerned for headaches and the fluid that would be in my ears when I would get up-all ok
• Wasn't worried about my fecal incontance-"well I sure was"
• I tried to discuss an issue but it was short lived:
• people with Fibromylagia have more neuro transmitters especially in their spinal colom and the Neurologist cut me right off and told me that this has never been proven. Yes it has, but he was the expert, not I. (I thought this was a bit vain for such an important position at such an important clinic)(I also thought that maybe this was the reason why I was feeling these disk bulging into my spinal canal so much compared to others)
• Did send me to get memory testing done-this was very different and I thought for sure I failed-all ok
• I was in school part time and my homework that would take me 4 hours was now taking me double the amount of time need .
• I was getting confused on elevators of where I needed to go.
• Driving  I would get confused where I was going, when I would figure it out I would make wrong turns to get out of the parking lot.
• Always late for work, I am always late for everything anymore.
• One morning I got up and was trying to get dressed and I didn't know what came first my pants or my shoes!

 

• Neorology Surgeon
• Couldn't tell where to operate? Muscle, tendon, nerve, ligament so to leave alone keep on meds ( I don't want to be on 17 meds, I am starting to get confused doing my weekly meds) I didn't have to do all these meds before I hurt my neck, before I got fibromylagia! Frustrating.

 

• Gastroenterology
• Had me do balloon holding to test my strength of my abdominal floor muscles-are ok
•  my fecal incontinence-to quit drinking pop..why didn't I think of this..I did for over a month all caffeine and all artificial sweetners....no luck

 

• ENT
• Chronic sinus infections and problems with my and teeth with my ears feeling like they were going to blow out- mostly my left side as if it was swimmers ear with headaches and I have had this for 8 years since the accident! The only thing new is the severity of the pressure in my ears and now the wetness in my ears
• Ordered a CAT scan since I haden't had one  in 3-4 years-all ok
•   The fluid drainage from my ears is probably caused     from my headaches. This one sounded to crazy to me!  The Pressure who the """ knows.

 

• Vascular Lab
• I thought I was going to have my upper extremeties done and when I got there my lower extremeties got hooked up. The tech even called my doctor to make sure he didn't want the upper half done as well since I was there and my primary said no.
• This wouldn't be the first time showing p for test where they only "half' tested an area that could have been tested the full area so I didn't have to come back another time a couple months down the road.
• I remember being with my primary care and asking to have my neck be checked out. My chiropractor thought I could have (therosaic outlet-sorry about the spelling) and my mother had had a stroke. (My chiropractor had even sent a letter to the Spine Center in regards to this and asked Dr " "' to get back with me, but he never did) My primary care said there was steps and channels to take first. If he just sent me there for my neck and he quit speaking. He set up the appointment for the vascular study-my lower half only come to find out!
• Memory Testing
• My cognative skills were declining and it was more than just for getting where you parked your car. I was actually getting confussed doing things, understanding things. This test was very different. I thought for sure I wasn't doing very well and was getting nervous since I couldn't get the lady to smile at all. This test came back as I am ok too-good thing to know, but I am not ok and something is going on in me and I need help and no one seems to be able to help me....
• Womens HealthEarly Menoupause done at 42, started at 32
• They suggested to go on the HRT patch instead of a pill. Talked with me about several issues and sent me to do a breast exam on my left side only-everything ok.
• Cancer Genetics-since it ran in the family but my chances are not that high of a percentage.

 

• Physical Therapy
• Iwas late and he was arrogant and actually told me there was nothing more he could do for me. If Doctor (the referring doctor) would have looked at doctors (the spine center doctor) notes. I felt this was a arrogant comment since I haven't been to a physical therapist since my accident 7-8 years previously. I had been followed up in the Spine Center all this time and I do wonder what the Spine Center notes say and should obtain them.  After talking with this therapist for a while he and I did decide he could show me some new exercises to do.  I was using my neck muscles incorrectly. He told me that it wasn't uncommon after an injury to learn to use your muscles differently/incorrectly to compensate for an injury.

 

• Others As well

I am sure many of you with any "invisible disease" can appreciate the above doctor vistis that got me no where after spending thousands of dollars. I know I wasn't ok so I made a decesion to go out of state for help to the Fibromylagia  and Fatigue Centers http://www.fibroandfatigue.com/ I am not working and my funds are running low so I hope to continue with this. I did my research and this is where I want to be.

I have frustration at the doctors that I have seen for 22 years yet I can see humor in it as well. I got scared not knowing where to turn to and made the decesion to go to the Fibro and Fatigue Center FFC myself with the suport of my doctor as well. As he said, I have had not much help with the medical community-it is a "treatment center" for FMS/CFIDS. HE said the success rate at a cancer center is greater so maybe this center will be greater for fibro.

I

 

 I know I said this but I wanted to say it again. When I was falling a sleep waiting for the doctor to come in to see me and complaining about this makes me know now about CFIDS.

This is what has my interest and passion for learning. CFS is another chronnic illness doctors have a hard time diagnosing. The Center for Disease Control has several interesting topics and doctors can go there and obtain college credits for learning about CFS and how to diagnose. Left untreated CFS can cause other medical problems.

 I was diagnosed with CFIDS by the FFC center. Through my blood work at the center, this is my weakest point.

My passion is to learn about Autoimmune diseaese as well

American Autoimmune is something I recently I stumbled across. My mothers sister has MS and Lupas which are autoimmune diseases. I have Fibromylagia, Chronic Fatigue, Raynauds, Allergis Rhinitis which are autoimmune diseases. Autoimmune  Thyroid Disease is interesting since the FFC center just put me on thyroid medicine and Autoimmune Inner Ear Disease is also interesting since I have such problems with my ears and mostly my left one.

http://www.aarda.org/

 

Hi everyone. I am just checking in.

 I go to the doctor Monday. Maybe he will tell me I am OK and / or I really do hurt all over. I did here back about the sleep test and I do havesleep apnea to a small degree. I am affraid that if I would have really got to go into a deeper sleep it may have been to a bigger degree. I'm not sure about the accuracy of those test. Have a great weekend!

   Well, this is my first entry into my diary.  I had actually forgotton about this site.  I wish I had remembered it earler, I really could have used the support.

   I don't have anything profound to say today.   I lost my driver's license again last week.  Second time this year.  Never told my husband, so he calls me while I'm in the middle of getting my picture taken at the DMV.  I told I would call him back.

 In a fibro fog for most of the time, I never noticed that my tags were expired, don't remember getting anything in the mail, and I forgot to get my emissions.  Anyway, had to pay $100.50 fine. Then, I had to go to the doctor, the rheumatologist.  I really like her.  I would highly recommend her if you need a doctor in Maryland.  We talked.  I told her I was miserable.  She asked me what changed.  She said last time I was there, about 2 months ago, I was happy and doing well.  I told her it was a matter of attitude, and right now mine wasn't in fight mode.  I just wanted to go home and go to bed. 

   Then there was rehearsal.  And the drama!  I think that's over now.  We are starting to mesh, but we just have too many people.  I know that running this company is really stressful, and that stress brings on the fibro flares, but if I didn't do it, what would I do?  I can't keep a real job because I would miss 3 to 4 days a week.  I need something to identify me as me.

 

Some times I just don't know.

 I got frustrated this morning because I can't push through the pain, I became disappointed at myself because I seemingly took it out on Pam (life partner) who took it personally and then I became disappointed at her just because of how she reacted. I am totally aware of where my disappointment truly lies at the feet of my Mother.  It doesn't help me when I here "you do this all the time, alot" when I know that I am working as hard as I can to become aware of a pain flare. It becomes even more unhelpful when I have to tend to her feelings which I can make right at the time. She see the pain come on I can't stop that but to ask me to drug myself up and out is not right. Her feeling come at me to the point of me feeling like an abuser or being abusive. My awareness is clouded by the pain and the medicine.

 I know that what she sees me go through is not easy to witness.  I feel like I let her down  because I couldn't bite my tongue

 PLEASE tell me I'm not alone with such thoughts of not knowing what to do and how can I comfort her. Alls I can do is cry alone away from her. GOD What is this doing to her can someone tell me?

 

I'm not quite ready to go into the depth of my health challenges but I can say this I Am Not Broken.

I am by no means a blogger but I felt that this community is useful and neededin my life and a way to contradict aloneness that I have felt from time to time. I started my diary with a poem that I wrote a few weeks after my mother had told me about being suffocated as an infant and her reasons of why.

I grew up understanding that my mother was not well the depth of that was not understood until she told me of the suffocation on to me, when I got my mind and soul around that piece of information and working on my feeling of why I felt insignificance. A few weeks ago just when I thought my spirit couldn't be shook anymore then it had already. She called me again in a drunken stupor and most likely a blackout and informs me that she would shake me to get me too stop crying due to the withdrawals from amphetamines .

Yes I am angry! but not because of having to face racism in school and within the family's of my parents, or for realizing I like girls the way boys did, nor being raised as a JW, and having a learning challenge that I got held back in kindergarten then pasted on from grade to grade. What I am angry about is that I have been turning to my mother for support about my health challenges all these years while she was idle at doing the right thing. That is my proof of insignificance. More importantly she is dying due to alcoholism and prescription drugs, this leaves me with no recourse of reaction meaning that feels like. But i know this is not hopeless nor powerless. Yes I am grateful for the fortune of what health I do have but it dose not make the justifiable anger any less.

What an sad affair when the day came little more then two years when I had the revelation of awareness to my feeling of insignificance I had placed the blame at my fathers feet. He is an old man that has a blindness of what harm the mother of his children have endured. But he and I have been doing the best we can to regain a relationship thats been in waiting. I now know that when a child spirit is hurt so deeply to the point that her belief of her goodness and significance of self can cause questions of her humanity due to a parents drug/alcohol and mental illness.

What do I want out of all of this? Some how bring awareness to the public on the long terms effect that it has on survivors and the challenges that we live with.To help others who have survived by reminding them their not alone. How to live life with the relentless physical pain. And reclaim my belief to all goodness and significance as I AM.

With the hard work that I've have invested over 25 years on my mental and emotional life and the wisdom that has come that plus from 45 year on this planet along with the grace of the Great Spirit (GOD) maybe it wont have too take another 25 years.

 

Last night I just started hurting so bad, I couldn't sleep so I am so tired and still hurting. My head hurt, I am nauseous and have a migraine. It hurts my shoulders and neck too muchto lay down but it hurts my head too much to sit up. I need to take my daughter lunch money do some grocery shopping and get dog food. God I just want to find a deep, dark hole too crawl in right now and not come out till I am over this flare up.

This last week was one of the worst for me. My pain was so intense, I told  my fiance that I just wanted to go "home" to God.  Between this pain and the depression thatset in, I didn't want to be in this ravaged body any longer. Thank God this man that I love with my heart and soul is so very loving and caring. He always gets me through these bad times. He's so patient and trys to help me with so many things.

I went to the doctor on Friday. My doctor is very supportive with all of my ailments and put me on a different fibro pain med. I just got off the Lyrica after trying it out for  the past two weeks. This is probably a good med, but just not for me. I had such bad migraines from it, that I just had to stop taking it. We'll see if the new one works better! 

I hurt today I don't why well maybe casue I fell off the bed yesterday and did something to my foot possbilly jammed my toe what this chemo does to me is hell but I have to live with it it's whatI go throu gh

The past week has been bad.  The stress of my father in law being hospitalized and weather changes have caused a severe flare and I've been in bed this week.  The Cymbalta and Ultracet haveworked so well until the last couple of months.  I don't know if it's just the winter months causing the loss of effectiveness, or just time for another med change.

What Works & What Doesn't

Chronic Pain
What Works?
A Glass of Wine
Pros:
This strongly depends if you are taking any other medication. It may sound over simplifiedbut if you are not on any medications try a glass of wine. I have found it particularly useful. It works and has the least side effects of everything I've tried. In 5 years of chronic nerve pain I have been on everything. It takes usually 75% of my nerve pain away with no side effects or long term health problems.

Cons:
You cannot drink alcohol while on most meds. Consumption of excessive alcohol while taking pain relievers can be dangerous to your health. Also, it is not suited for those who have substance abuse problems for obvious reasons. The pain relief is temporary and inconsistent. Not for those under 21. (1) According to the Surgeon general, women should not drink alcoholic beverages during pregnancy because of the risk of birth defects. (2) Consumption of alcoholic beverages impairs your ability to drive a car or operate machinery, and may cause health problems.

Cymbalta
Pros:
Within two days of taking Cymbalta my nerve pain was 100 % gone. For the first time in 5 years! I could wear my clothes and get hugs without cringing and writhing in pain. Also Cymbalta is an anti-depressant so I was happy! Really happy! If you are an insomnia take this at night. It can cause drowsiness. People of most ages can take it!

Cons:
All miracle drugs have a catch. You have to have a prescription and be well monitored on Cymbalta. It can cause drastic behavior changes. Also, I personally when on this drug was sick for the first two weeks. It caused nausea and constipation and I was extremely tired. I stayed on Cymbalta for 6 months. Eventually, after the first two week period the side effects went away. Cymbalta for me was best taken at night. The drowsiness never went away. But I would wake up refreshed if I took it at night. Cymbalta has lots of other side effects which I will not comment on here. Also you CANNOT have alcohol on this med.

2.    Muscle Spasms
What Works?
A Glass of Wine
Pros:
Ok. I know you may think that I am an alcoholic, but here me out on this one. Wine and Alcohol have been used throughout the centuries as an awesome pain reliever and muscle relaxants. It is through the abuses of alcohol that is gets its bad name. Wine naturally relaxes the muscles and your "attitude" I have found that spasms increase 10 fold with stress and pain for those with Brown Séquard Syndrome. A simple glass or two depending on your body weight relieves the "trigger" for spasms.

Cons:
You cannot drink alcohol while on most meds. Consumption of excessive alcohol while taking pain relievers can be dangerous to your health. Also, it is not suited for those who have substance abuse problems for obvious reasons. Not for those under 21. (1) According to the Surgeon general, women should not drink alcoholic beverages during pregnancy because of the risk of birth defects. (2) Consumption of alcoholic beverages impairs your ability to drive a car or operate machinery, and may cause health problems.


Baclofen / Lioresal
Pros:
Baclofen is a muscle relaxer and an antispastic agent. It is used to treat muscle symptoms caused by multiple sclerosis, including spasm, pain, and stiffness. I have used Baclofen. It got me through some pretty rough times.

Cons:
Baclofen can cause side effects that may impair your thinking or reactions. Be careful if you drive or do anything that requires you to be awake and alert. Avoid drinking alcohol. It can increase some of the side effects of Baclofen. Do not use Baclofen at a time when muscle tone is needed to assure safe balance and movement for certain activities. In some situations, it may endanger your physical safety to be in a state of reduced muscle tone. Taken in high doses it can also cause you to loose massive amounts of hair. You may have withdrawal symptoms such as seizures or hallucinations, when you stop using Baclofen after using it over a long period of time. Do not stop using this medication suddenly without first talking to your doctor. You may need to use less and less before you stop the medication completely.

More Helpful Hints
Beyond a healthy glass of wine, no matter where you stand on that issue, there are other natural safe things you can do. Here are some great ways to stay healthy.

Stay on a Diet. Forever.
Don't starve yourself. Don't overeat. Maintain a healthy weight. If you are too heavy, it puts extra strains on your muscles causing more pain. Being over weight causes an abundance of problems. You already have Brown Séquard Syndrome. You don't need more problems.

Also Being underweight is a huge health hazards. BBS'ers fall a lot. If you are just skin and bones. You are going to have lots of broken bones!

2.    Exercise or Exorcise.
Your choice. Keeping up with your physical therapy is the best thing you can ever do. You need to keep active. Even If you never go back to therapy do it at home. If you don't use what you have, your muscles will atrophy causing great depression and pain.

Extraordinary pain! If you don't Exercise, your family and nurses may want to Exorcise you!

3.    Talk
Communication is your best friend. Talk to everyone. Talk to your nurses, doctors, cleaning staff, pastor, boss, co-workers, friends, family, dog, cat, fish, the lady carrying your groceries, the priest, the gas station tenant, your phone operator, teachers, anyone. Say what's on your mind. Share your needs. No one can read your mind. No one can see your heart pain. No one can possibly feel your nerve pain. Share your feelings, thoughts, ideas, concerns, thank you's and wish lists.

4.     Enjoy where you are.
Are you working? Enjoy the paycheck and comradery of those you work with. Are you in the hospital? Enjoy the prepared meals, cable tv, and sponge baths. Are you at home? Well, There's no place like home. Are you walking? Good for you. Are you in a wheelchair? Accidentally run over someone's toes. Be grateful.  It helps others help you.  

I am not a doctor. This is purely written from my life's experiences. Before changing anything you do talk to your doctor!

Today seems to be another good day, they have been few and far between. I really haven't been feeling right,I'm dizzy (i think from a med I am taking),and have little energy. There are so manythings I need to be doing but this lack of energy just keeps me down. I need to get up and go.Certainly clean the house a bit,take a shower,especially with my peeing problem. My Dad has beengone now for over 6 months, I can't say it is as painful as it once was,it is nolonger like a knife sticking in my heart,and I can go a few days without crying, I try to remember the good times and what a fabulous life he had and how his kids and grandsons adorned him and looked up to him and how for 53 years he had the love of a good woman-which will last till the day she is placed in the ground next to him and in the afterlife they will roam together forever,united.

 

The Story of how 'Daily Good Dog Feedings' Started.

It is one of those stories that can change your life, forever, ignitinga spark of hope and offering up a powerfully effective yet simple technique. The story of the Good Dog has changed my life forever and as you will see, the lives of many others around the world.

Often, when I'm suffering from my mental illness, (Bi-Polar II), mania and depression as well as severe ADHD, when hope fades into desperation, I pray, No, I plead with God to listen to me, to help relieve of my suffering ... yet, I hear nothing but that maddeing silence.

This story is about how God answered my pleading prayer, not only giving me hope and strength but also giving me the idea of lighting a single candle that has already lit thousands of other's candles all over this planet, providing a little daily flicker of hope that others can light their own candles and find their way out of the dark.

Oh, back to the story ... sorry, I do get a bit manic when I write ...

About a year ago, I was undergoing a particularly bad bout of debilitating depression, hiding it from those around me, as usual, while dying inside. I was at an alcohol support meeting when someone shared a simple story.  My life has never been the same since then.

Funny how sometimes somebody says something that sticks, that becomes a permanent fouundation on which you can rebuild your entire life.  Perhaps I was at a place in my life that I was worn out and ready to listen. That day, God answered my pleading prayer, through one guy, that I had not seen before or since that meeting, one of my angels - there have been, many!

Finally ... The Story that Changed My Life, Forever ...

ABOUT 'Daily Good Dog Feedings'

A Native American Elder told a story about his people believe that we all have, within us, a 'Good Dog' and a 'Bad Dog,' that are always fighting to be in control.

My friend asked him, "Which One Wins?"

The elder simply replied, "The One That You Feed."

That anonymous angel shared that story with me in January of 2007.  At the time of hearing it, I thought, "Cool story, after 20 years around this place, it's amazing to hear something I've never heard before."  That was it, just a simple story that I thought was pretty cool.  I filed it into my brain with all the other clutter accumulated from 54 years of mostly useless thinking and went about trying to survive another day of my life.

That very next morning (mornings are the hardest time for my depression) I seemed to be especially aware of my thoughts. I watched as my mind instantly went towards fear, dread and self hate; it's as if I was watching myself watching myself and condemning myself.

My depression, especially when mixed with extreme mania at the same time, can cause me to feel disconnected, totally fragmented from my-self (whatever self is) and the rest of the world.  That morning was especially harsh, feeling as I was hovering over myself, watching this pathetic human parasite in that dirty bathrobe smoking a cigarette and filled with hate and disgust and anguish of feeling so alone and anger at God for feeling like such a victim for having to endure this kind of pain.  You get the picture ... it was a pretty atypical morning for me. 

Normally, it would take a full pot of coffee and a 1/2 pack of smokes before I could start making a meager plan for coping through the day.  This was my life, trying to figure out how I could hide from everyone around me, for an entire day, pretending like I was normal, until I could close the door to my room, alone, put on my dirty bathrobe and finally, feel a sense of relief in closing off the world, until morning.  And it would start over again.  Every single morning, day after painful day, it would start  over again like a perverted mnetally ill version of 'Groundhogs Day.'  This was, my life.  But this morning, looking back, was a morning unlike any other morning I had ever experienced.  This morning something would change my life forever ... back to the story ...

That January morning, slumped in a chair, sucking coffee and cigs in my dirty bathrobe, suddenly a thought, a clear thought (that's a novelty in and of itelf) came to mind.  The story of the Good Dog vs. Bad Dog popped into my foggy little mind as well as the words of Eckhart Tolle. 

Eckhart Tolle's The Power of Now, which I had studied for years trying desperately to find relief, asserts that ...  Emotions are Caused by Our Thoughts and Our Thoughts come from What We Think and What We Think is Determined by What We CHOOSE to Think!

That's what God was telling me through my angel and his story of the Dog, and through my memories of the words of Tolle ... that I have the power of choice of how I feel.  "Oh Sure I do," I thought, "Right!."

"OK," I thought, "I'll give this a try. Like what do I have to lose?"  At first, trying to think of something positive when I had grown morbidly accustomed to the gloom and doom of endless years of depression, seemed impossible.  Yet the concept of the Dog made so much sense to me.  I had to reach for some hope.  I was watching myself die.

I forced myself to make a mental 'Gratitude List,' something I had done over the years with success, when I remembered to do it.  It was like trying to turn around the Titanic, after it had sunk, but I tried, God I tried to think of things that I was grateful for, yet I was filled with such self hate, fear, rage, and fragmented thinking.   I did manage to scribble a few mental gratitudes.  Within minutes, I noticed that my depression was 'different' ... not as overwhelming, still there and very powerful, but not taking me over completely. 

As the weeks went on, forcing myself to listen to the Good Dog and forcing myself to stay firmly planted in the present moment (as best I could), I was noticing a change, a BIG CHANGE in depression, on a more permanent basis.  I was getting help, medically, but I believe that this mental trick, this forcing my head to focus on something positive, worked and worked better and better each day.

Running out of positive thoughts and things to be grateful for, I started reading and researching to find life affirming quotes, poems and short stories.  I started writing them down as I searched for positive 'Good Dog' reinforcement.  Then I started emailing them to my son, who said he was having some depression.  I would research and put together a daily email with a combination of quotes, short stories or poems and send them out with the title ... 'Daily Good Dog Feedings.'

Before long, word spread like wildfires, as people forwarded these 'Daily Good Dog Feedings' to their friends and family.  As I am writing this to you today, there are thousands of people from all over the world that are receiving the Dog, which I affectionately call it today.  I am in contact with dozens of people every day.  I am making friends with people I have never met, yet feel a bond as strong as those of close friends, why ... because we understand each other.  We are survivors and we are all in the same lifeboat together.  We need to help each other, not to die, but to get stronger and live, to recover from a disease that can be managed, if we choose to recover.

Anyway, I'm rambling cause I'm pretty manic today but hey, rather ramble on about something positive than hide in bed, beating myself up.

I have spent my entire life in this painfully lonely and dark place; the insanity of mental illness. I'm done suffering!  If I suffer now, it's my choice because today I have tools and I use them.  I have my Good Dog choice, my doctor and medications as well as many other tools I can use if I CHOOSE to heal. 

Today I choose life and today life is sweet, even though there are painful episodes from time to time.  Today, even the pain feels good as it reminds me that I'm alive.   I'm not going back into hell.  I've been there and it's not all that it's cracked up to be.

Hope you decide to have great weekend.

God Bless Us All, We Deserve It.

Louie (uswalker)  http://rochonsculpture.artspan.com/mbr_bio.php

NOTE:  I am happy to share the 'Daily Good Dog Feediing' with anyone that wants it ... just email me at uswalker3@hotmail.com  I am not doing this for two reasons, first because this daily practice keeps me alive and secondly, because it feels really great to be able to help others. 

 

To start of Valentine's Day... It was a very nice day for me. I had began to worry that I wasnt going to have fun. I really worked at cooking a big meal for my boyfriend and I and truthfully, Iwas not feeling it you know, my usual happiness of the holiday. And Tim, I love the guy,but at first I didn't think I was going to enjoy the day with him and I tried hard not to make it apparent, but I know he knew. But... The thing about me is, like twenty minutes in, I was just so happy to be with him and have him near that I couldnt stay in a iffy mood. I had a very good evening with him. It was a very different type of valentine's day with him. He really just chilled and relaxed, and after the week I have been having, relaxing is just what I needed. Leave it to Tim to know what I need even when I don't know myself sometimes. thats why he is my boo. lol

But the changes in my life are due to the way I have been feeling lately. Today I did a mood chart. in the past 14 days, I have been depressed 6 days. That is almost a week out of two weeks. Only half of that time, have I been in a good mood. Of these depressed day, two days I was moderately depressed to the point of having a hard time going throughout my day. I have over slept most of these days and in the past two weeks, I have been over eating to the point of having stomach aches. I have dealt with extreme anixety 9 of these 14 days, and 1 time, I had a panic attack that cause me major distress. I thought I was dying. I delat with one maybe two hypo-manic days, which if you ask me, they are a pretty damn good time, so you dont see me complain. for those who dont know, hypo-mania is: A condition similar to mania, but not as severe. A person has a high mood and may behave strangely. But the person is able to function normally. So like I siad, its not a big deal. But the anixety is what worries me the most. The anixiety causes the depression, the bad headaches, the isolation behaviors, and the worst part, the stomach aches. My stomach hurts so bad sometimes, I don't want to move. Also, by mild case I dont mean I am not feeling this way (depressed) strongly. But I am not at the point where I can't function, I want to kill myself, or hurt myself or someone. I never have been really. I suffer mostly from moderate to severe depression. I've been like this on and off for the past month and a half, which the last time I felt like this for a long time without reason was three years ago. So a mild case means I dont go thru this much. Normally, I'll be depressed maybe three-five days, every two months or so, which is normal for most people. Its not often I get episodes like this you see.

So in light of the things that have been going on with me, I realized that it is time to make some changes. For one, due to the fact that I am suffering from what many people call a serious illness (but not serious enough for it to be an excuse for misbehaving, I am one of the lucky people to have a mild case. People tell me all the time that I am lucky), I can get a medical withdraw from school. The people at school, doctors, and my parents suggested this. I guess the main purpose of my life is to get better. Ak I feel ashamed to be truthful of having to deal with this, having this, and making my loved ones live with me like this, but then I remember that for 80% of the time, I am not like this, I'm not all that bad right now,its just anixety talking, and I don't have care what anyone thinks. The people that matter are always here for me. Thats all I need really. So... I am planning to look for full time work lol. If I'ma have free time, i'll use it to make money. I need to save anyhow and study for the entrance exam at Eastern. I still got two classes and my little after school job to keep me occupied, so till then I am getting myself together. I finally realize that I need to lol. And its gonna take some adjustments and some work, but my health is important, so that is all the matters really. (that I just realized too)

Now, I usually keep the blogs of this degree private. But, some people are misinformed about depression. The blues is not depression. Depression is disabling at times. Painful in many ways, physically, mentally. It can cause people to do alot of things that wouldnt usually do, and destroy personal relationships. It is not a way to look for attention (if I wanted attention, I'd put on a sexy outfit lol). It is not a way to back out of responsibilites. Doing all these things caused depressed people sadness. I hope that my telling you this will help you see a side of me that is usually seen as me being stuck-up, moody, or withdraw. I hope you really see the pain I am going thru and understanding that we all have our own personal battles to fight. Mine is this.

Good Day All!

Jasmine

This SharePost is a response letter to a friend from this forum as it represented where my head is at this am. 

Hope you don't mind, MC.

 

Dear MC,

 

Thanks for your comments. It's true that when I write, I challenge my intentions; it's almost like I have discussions with my 'self,' on paper. Hey, why not? We do it all the time in our heads. It's kind of fun when you write it down as you can actually see the demons working away at you, each trying to have their way with you. Kind of P_____sses them off when you see them, exposed.

 

I wrote a blog a month or so ago, in which I saw for myself, firsthand, this ongoing discussion - (fight for controlling interest of my head).  Check it out if you are interested ... http://www.uswalker3.blogspot.com/

 

I write a daily email inspiration (positive life affirming quotes, poems, parables, etc).  This daily mailing which has taken on a life of it's own over the past year, growing each day to include people from all parts of this planet, is called the 'Daily Good Dog Feeding.' 

 

Here is the story about how Good Dog was born.  I mention this because it reminds me of those two voices in my head ... as well as inviting you to receive it as my gift to you, if you'd like.

 

 

ABOUT 'Daily Good Dog Feedings' 

A friend shared a story with me about a meeting he once had with a Native American elder. This story had a great impact on me. The elder told my friend that his people believe that we all have, within us, a 'Good Dog' and a 'Bad Dog,' that are always fighting to be in control. My friend asked, "Which One Wins?" The elder simply replied, "The One That You Feed."

 

______ . ______

 

I started researching and sending out a daily inspirational message to my son as well as to reinforce the 'Good Dog' in me. Thinking my friends might find it of value, I added some people. Soon, it took on a life of it's own. This simple story, from my friend, has grown into something that has greatly improved the quality of my life and from what I hear, from people from all over the planet. What a blessing. Want to be added to the list? Email me ... uswalker3@hotmail.com

 

You or anyone else reading my rantings are welcome to receive Good Dog.  Just send me an email.  Cancel any time, if you don't like it and I will NEVER sell it out with Ads or use the names. Promise.

 

I really love to share this with people. It makes me feel great to do something that I know makes life a little better place for others.

Kind of selfish, but hey, I'm human.

 

 

You know, MC, this email column that I write every day is one of those 'God Shots,' a powerful tool that I use every morning, and have for over a year now.  I get so many positive responses from people, that I have come to look at it as a responsibility for me. 

 

Even when I am suffering from extreme depression, which is usually the first few hours of most days, this mandatory self-requirement forces me to turn my minds attention around towards a positive 'Good Dog.'

 

Without this tool, I'm afraid that I would spend many days hiding under the blankets, feeling sorry for myself and falling victim to my disease.  I am so done with that energy - having done that all my life and really don't have time for it these days! 

 

I have to admit, this may sound simple, (changing your mood by focusing on Good Dog) and it is simple ... but it is FAR FROM EASY.  Beating mental illness is not whimps!  Many days, it's like turning the Titanic around, but you know, I've found that I can always turn it around, with constant steady pressure.  Some days, it runs my ass over.  Oh well, 2 steps forward, 1 step back - Progress, Not Perfection is my goal these days.

 

Good Dog always helps turn around my attitude, inspite of my mind's intentions.  I have found that my attitude is a direct reflection of my emotions, and my emotions come from my thoughts and my thoughts come from whatever it is that I CHOOSE to focus on.  Seems to be totally backwards, putting the acrt before the horse, but it works, for me. 

 

I have found this to be a valuable tool for my emotional survival, something I need to work at, very hard, each and every day, hour by hour, minute by minute - sometimes.

 

In the Dog, I always use quotes, poems or parables that seem to address what issues I need to focus on. Funny how that works; it's almost as if I do my part and sit my ass down at my laptop ... then God takes over and writes what He wants. I am not claiming to have any inside connection with the Big Guy - it just seems that whenever I do my part, ideas pop into my head.  I just have to type. 

 

It's pretty much the same with my sculptures - I have to do my part and walk out into that cold studio when everything within me is screaming NO ... and usually, within a short time, ideas come to me and I start getting excited.  All I need to do is allow my body to move around and put stuff together and eventually, VOILA ... something is created that was just a pile of stuff.

 

One thing that I have found out for a fact ... I have never written one word or created one piece of art, from under my blankets. That is where my disease wants me to be - in bed, despising myself for my illness, trying with all it's might to convince me that I am a worth-less, use-less pathetic parasite carbon based life module.  I say F______ the disease ... I got stuff to do.  I have a life to live and even though it seems, some days, that I can literally feel it's cold breath on my neck as I am moving on, I AM moving on.  If I stop, then it catches up and takes me down.  Most days, I out run it.  Some days i don't.  That's' life.  Those days, I just stand there and hurt and that's OK. 

 

The real miracle for me these days, is that I don't feel desperate to run around trying to find something to put out the flames.  Being a Dual Diagnosis (recovering from BPII as well as an alcoholic) it is my nature to feel the need to not feel the pain, to obliterate my emotions when they hurt so bad.  In all actuality, I am addicted to damned near everything.  I am addicted to 'MORE,' more of anything has always been my answer to pain and suffering, which of course causes more pain and suffering.  You name it, food, alcohol, legal and illegal drugs, workaholism, relationships (or in my case - hostages), sex ... i mean, there is NO END to where my 'self' wants to hide.  I have spent my entire life is FEAR, which up until an accuarte diagnosis of BP and proper meds, FEAR stood for F--- everything and Run.  Today is stands for Face Everything and Recover.

 

OK, now I've noticed that my mania has kicked in as I'm rambling on and on.  Sorry mania, time to cool your jets for a while.  I'm in control these days.  Thanks for listening to my head.

 

 

God Bless Us All, We Deserve It.

 

Louie R (uswalker) http://rochonsculpture.artspan.com/mbr_bio.php

The longer I have fibromyalgia, the longer I see how much it is affecting my life.  I'm no longer that spontaneous, bring it on kind of person I used to be.  Some days I struggling throughmy busy day and I'll a moment with a heavy sigh.  That sigh is the weight of the world on me as I take a moment to tune in how badly I truly feel physically.  My shoulders, neck, upper back are rigid.  I can't feel half of my right hand.  There is a nerve pinching some where so I started taking prednisone again to see if inflammation is the problem.  The christmas music is like nails on a chalkboard this year.  It just reminds me of all the things I haven't gotten done.  I still have a bit of shopping to do but work just popped up and I have a file to be worked and due by the 24th.  Yep that would be xmas eve.  I have a final tomorrow in an upper level crime class and a final on thursday in a senior level ethics class.  No pressure there. Then I have these little munchkins who need me to spend the fun time.  It just gets so hard to prioritize.

 I screwed it up somewhere this week as I've just been too tired.  Hurting a bit too much.  Migrainal and costochondritis around rib cage.  Legs are hurting and feet are buzzing.  My right leg is hurting so badly at nite that it is waking me up which is making me more tired which makes the fibro worse and makes the leg hurt worse and so on and so on.

I'm going to take one day at a time and tommorrow I need to print and send 50 christmas cards.  Take a 3 and 1/2 hour digital crime final.  It would be nice if I could get to the sprint store and get the phones I need for xmas.  I hate the sprint store.  I hate the sprint people.  They better not be wearing santa hats.  I'm not in the mood for that cheery xmas let me sell you a phone that will break in a month pitch.

Worst part is hubby must be there and he is electronically challenged and will make this process ten times harder than it should be.  I know what we need and will use but every new button brings a world of wonder to him.  He is like Homer Simpson in a donut shop lol.