I have been keeping my moods (and tears) to myself since I was 11 and first started to show symptoms. Funny..having just been diagnosed as BP 1 at the age of 31, I think that some people in my family don't realise it's such a big deal, or don't really believe it, because I have spent do much energy over the last 20 years keeping all the agony and ups and downs well hidden. My facade was build stronger than the Berlin wall but even that monsterous construction built to divide had to come down eventually.
I don't do drugs or drink; have been married for 11 years, am still working but it is just so hard. I feel like I can't keep up the effort trying to keep it together anymore. I guess if I had to sum up my life in one word to date it would be "suffering". Don't get me wrong...I am quite happy some of the time. I am lucky to be married to a great guy who has been with me all the way. I have at times achieved greatness academically, in my career and in my creative pursuits. But sustaining anything has always alluded me. Nothing lasts because I cannot go the distance. things start to slip and spirial out of control. I start to worry about what I am doing, the self doubts creep in and take over, soon I am not answering the phone, then not leaving the hours, or the bed or sofa. I am worthless. I am nothing. I am pain absolute. I feel no pain just numbness that goes on forever.
One day suddenly the sun will shine again, the birds will chirp and I will begin to see them again.
Something awakens in me. I feel alive. I feel free. I feel happy. I feel such joy in life that my heart could burst with the enormity of it all. I push myself to make the most of every experience. I achieve again. I am great. I take on more and more and more because it is my destiny. I hear music and laugh at the strangest things. I cannot stop. I cannot sleep. It coarse through my veins like poison. Every muscle is tense and ready for action. My mind is a wide screen tv constantly playing and replaying the interactions of yesterday, today, and tommorrow. I talk too fast that no one can understand. I spend too much money. I spend out of control and love the power it gives me. I write elbourate business plans guaranteed to make my fortune. I stay up all night. I organise the house til 2am that has fallen into disorder during depressions past. Life is grand for me but no so grand for those around me. I start to stumble and fall. I cannot keep up with what I have started. Nothing gets finished. Projects and inspirations lie abandoned. I am confused. I am exhausted. I cannot get up. I crash again and wait for the day the sun started shining again.
I am just about to start medication for the first time so am not looking forward to the process of that. I am looking forward to hopefully the point in the future whether I have found something that works for me and doesn't take to much of me away with the rollarcoaster ride. Not that I really know who I am anymore. What is me? What is my illness? What is balance and what is normal? Too much time has been lost and can never be claimed back again. Time to start again. Time for a new beginning.
