I am have not been told I have PTS Disorder...I probably do to some degree...

 

I have been attacked when I was a child  by my autistic brother...If I hear a yell orscream...If it sounds like my brother...I still jump...I thought I was over it...but me and mom were in the store a couple of yrs ago...and the employee's yelled or something...and me and my mom both jumped...My mom told me when I was a baby...my brother would start making the sound he makes....and I would be asleep...and I would jump up and hide myself...behind a chair...

 I guess it still haunts me

 I got attacked by my pet a 2 yrs ago...It was really bad...Its really hard just too type about it....I got attacked by the bathroom one morning after my husband went to work...It was really bad...After we had too get rid of our pet...It was very hard for me to come out of the bathroom...I would stay in there forever...I would cry constantly...panic and anxiety...are always there...when the anniversary date comes around I feel so much anxiety and panic...I feel like its going to happen again...it's hard...we still live in the same home...the bathroom is next to the bedroom...so when I have to go in the middle of the night...which I do a lot...its a lott of anxiety...its dark and I feel like something bad's about too happen to me...I used to be more independent...I have a fear of sleeping in my bedroom a lone...I've only slept in the bedroom once...alone...since it occured...I have a fear of going outside...I am afraid someone will attack me or something...or break in...even though nothing like that hasn't ever happened to me...that's what the anxiety and panic has turned into....I try to talk about it...but it is really hard...I still have scars on my legs as a reminder of what happened...this event took place on dec 24th,2005...our wedding day was just a few months away

Last night I just started hurting so bad, I couldn't sleep so I am so tired and still hurting. My head hurt, I am nauseous and have a migraine. It hurts my shoulders and neck too muchto lay down but it hurts my head too much to sit up. I need to take my daughter lunch money do some grocery shopping and get dog food. God I just want to find a deep, dark hole too crawl in right now and not come out till I am over this flare up.

To bring this diary up to speed...  Since about the first of the year, I was having frequent "attacks" that I thought were related to my hypoglycemia.  Out of the blue, my heartwould start pounding, my pulse would race, and I'd feel all shaky and weak.  It was pretty much the same symptoms I experience when my blood sugar falls.  However, when I tested my levels, they were always within normal range.

A few weeks ago, these attacks starting happening several times a day and I started wondering if perhaps I had developed an anxiety disorder.  I finally went to the doctor and was started on two different meds for anxiety... Clonazepam and Effexor.  Still, something just didn't make sense.  I'd had some issue with anxiety for years, but nothing like this.  What's more, I didn't really have anything going on that would justify my being "anxious."  I started taking the time to really evaluate what was going on when these "attacks" happened and not even two days after seeing the doctor, I was onto a new hypothesis.

Typically when I feel anxious, I just take a few deep breaths and focus on something positive.  Sounds simple, but it really works!  However, when I tried to do that, I couldn't get enough air.  I had a nasty respiratory virus over Christmas and had a bit of a residual cough, but never felt it was a part of the problem.  My mother is a respiratory therapist and I had her give my lungs a good listen and she told me I had some wheezing and wasn't moving air well.  I made another appointment with my doctor and, lo and behold, I had bronchitis!  The "attacks" were most likely bronchial spasms (thus the wheezing) much like those caused by asthma.  Having never had asthma, I had no clue what was going on!  Oh... and I also had an ear infection, but with a headache every day of my life, I probably didn't even notice the most tell-tale symptom.

But since the intial doctor visit fell under the heading of probable anxiety attacks, I've been set up with a psychiatrist to evaluate my need for further therapy.  After learning that I had bronchitis I was tempted to just cancel, but I do still have some anxiety issues, so it may be worth it to see what she has to say.  I will say now that I'm going to start pulling my hair out and throwing things if she starts in that direction of telling me all of my symptoms are psychosomatic!  "Improve your physical well-being by improving your mental attitude."  That is such CRAP!  At some of the happiest times of my life I was sick as a dog and at some of the most stressful, worst times of my life I enjoyed perfect health.  But try explaining that to the doctors!  If it doesn't fit with their diagnosis, then I must be lying about my experience in an effort to hide the fact that I'm suffering from extreme mental illness, ha, ha.

 

Recently I got an email from a woman in Germany, desperately seeking advice on how to communicate with her BiPolar friend who is acting 'strange' (Imagine That!).  I get at leasta dozen of these type of emaials a day from my art web site (The Bio section, where I candidly talk about my depression). 

Anyway, I responded to her in my blog.  Check it out if you arre interested.

 http://www.uswalker3.blogspot.com

 

I never did share my art with my new friends ... think you might like the piece entitled "Bi-Polar."  You may see a lot of my personality in my work as well as my disease.  Enjoy. 

Louie  http://rochonsculpture.artspan.com/

 

The Story of how 'Daily Good Dog Feedings' Started.

It is one of those stories that can change your life, forever, ignitinga spark of hope and offering up a powerfully effective yet simple technique. The story of the Good Dog has changed my life forever and as you will see, the lives of many others around the world.

Often, when I'm suffering from my mental illness, (Bi-Polar II), mania and depression as well as severe ADHD, when hope fades into desperation, I pray, No, I plead with God to listen to me, to help relieve of my suffering ... yet, I hear nothing but that maddeing silence.

This story is about how God answered my pleading prayer, not only giving me hope and strength but also giving me the idea of lighting a single candle that has already lit thousands of other's candles all over this planet, providing a little daily flicker of hope that others can light their own candles and find their way out of the dark.

Oh, back to the story ... sorry, I do get a bit manic when I write ...

About a year ago, I was undergoing a particularly bad bout of debilitating depression, hiding it from those around me, as usual, while dying inside. I was at an alcohol support meeting when someone shared a simple story.  My life has never been the same since then.

Funny how sometimes somebody says something that sticks, that becomes a permanent fouundation on which you can rebuild your entire life.  Perhaps I was at a place in my life that I was worn out and ready to listen. That day, God answered my pleading prayer, through one guy, that I had not seen before or since that meeting, one of my angels - there have been, many!

Finally ... The Story that Changed My Life, Forever ...

ABOUT 'Daily Good Dog Feedings'

A Native American Elder told a story about his people believe that we all have, within us, a 'Good Dog' and a 'Bad Dog,' that are always fighting to be in control.

My friend asked him, "Which One Wins?"

The elder simply replied, "The One That You Feed."

That anonymous angel shared that story with me in January of 2007.  At the time of hearing it, I thought, "Cool story, after 20 years around this place, it's amazing to hear something I've never heard before."  That was it, just a simple story that I thought was pretty cool.  I filed it into my brain with all the other clutter accumulated from 54 years of mostly useless thinking and went about trying to survive another day of my life.

That very next morning (mornings are the hardest time for my depression) I seemed to be especially aware of my thoughts. I watched as my mind instantly went towards fear, dread and self hate; it's as if I was watching myself watching myself and condemning myself.

My depression, especially when mixed with extreme mania at the same time, can cause me to feel disconnected, totally fragmented from my-self (whatever self is) and the rest of the world.  That morning was especially harsh, feeling as I was hovering over myself, watching this pathetic human parasite in that dirty bathrobe smoking a cigarette and filled with hate and disgust and anguish of feeling so alone and anger at God for feeling like such a victim for having to endure this kind of pain.  You get the picture ... it was a pretty atypical morning for me. 

Normally, it would take a full pot of coffee and a 1/2 pack of smokes before I could start making a meager plan for coping through the day.  This was my life, trying to figure out how I could hide from everyone around me, for an entire day, pretending like I was normal, until I could close the door to my room, alone, put on my dirty bathrobe and finally, feel a sense of relief in closing off the world, until morning.  And it would start over again.  Every single morning, day after painful day, it would start  over again like a perverted mnetally ill version of 'Groundhogs Day.'  This was, my life.  But this morning, looking back, was a morning unlike any other morning I had ever experienced.  This morning something would change my life forever ... back to the story ...

That January morning, slumped in a chair, sucking coffee and cigs in my dirty bathrobe, suddenly a thought, a clear thought (that's a novelty in and of itelf) came to mind.  The story of the Good Dog vs. Bad Dog popped into my foggy little mind as well as the words of Eckhart Tolle. 

Eckhart Tolle's The Power of Now, which I had studied for years trying desperately to find relief, asserts that ...  Emotions are Caused by Our Thoughts and Our Thoughts come from What We Think and What We Think is Determined by What We CHOOSE to Think!

That's what God was telling me through my angel and his story of the Dog, and through my memories of the words of Tolle ... that I have the power of choice of how I feel.  "Oh Sure I do," I thought, "Right!."

"OK," I thought, "I'll give this a try. Like what do I have to lose?"  At first, trying to think of something positive when I had grown morbidly accustomed to the gloom and doom of endless years of depression, seemed impossible.  Yet the concept of the Dog made so much sense to me.  I had to reach for some hope.  I was watching myself die.

I forced myself to make a mental 'Gratitude List,' something I had done over the years with success, when I remembered to do it.  It was like trying to turn around the Titanic, after it had sunk, but I tried, God I tried to think of things that I was grateful for, yet I was filled with such self hate, fear, rage, and fragmented thinking.   I did manage to scribble a few mental gratitudes.  Within minutes, I noticed that my depression was 'different' ... not as overwhelming, still there and very powerful, but not taking me over completely. 

As the weeks went on, forcing myself to listen to the Good Dog and forcing myself to stay firmly planted in the present moment (as best I could), I was noticing a change, a BIG CHANGE in depression, on a more permanent basis.  I was getting help, medically, but I believe that this mental trick, this forcing my head to focus on something positive, worked and worked better and better each day.

Running out of positive thoughts and things to be grateful for, I started reading and researching to find life affirming quotes, poems and short stories.  I started writing them down as I searched for positive 'Good Dog' reinforcement.  Then I started emailing them to my son, who said he was having some depression.  I would research and put together a daily email with a combination of quotes, short stories or poems and send them out with the title ... 'Daily Good Dog Feedings.'

Before long, word spread like wildfires, as people forwarded these 'Daily Good Dog Feedings' to their friends and family.  As I am writing this to you today, there are thousands of people from all over the world that are receiving the Dog, which I affectionately call it today.  I am in contact with dozens of people every day.  I am making friends with people I have never met, yet feel a bond as strong as those of close friends, why ... because we understand each other.  We are survivors and we are all in the same lifeboat together.  We need to help each other, not to die, but to get stronger and live, to recover from a disease that can be managed, if we choose to recover.

Anyway, I'm rambling cause I'm pretty manic today but hey, rather ramble on about something positive than hide in bed, beating myself up.

I have spent my entire life in this painfully lonely and dark place; the insanity of mental illness. I'm done suffering!  If I suffer now, it's my choice because today I have tools and I use them.  I have my Good Dog choice, my doctor and medications as well as many other tools I can use if I CHOOSE to heal. 

Today I choose life and today life is sweet, even though there are painful episodes from time to time.  Today, even the pain feels good as it reminds me that I'm alive.   I'm not going back into hell.  I've been there and it's not all that it's cracked up to be.

Hope you decide to have great weekend.

God Bless Us All, We Deserve It.

Louie (uswalker)  http://rochonsculpture.artspan.com/mbr_bio.php

NOTE:  I am happy to share the 'Daily Good Dog Feediing' with anyone that wants it ... just email me at uswalker3@hotmail.com  I am not doing this for two reasons, first because this daily practice keeps me alive and secondly, because it feels really great to be able to help others. 

 

To start of Valentine's Day... It was a very nice day for me. I had began to worry that I wasnt going to have fun. I really worked at cooking a big meal for my boyfriend and I and truthfully, Iwas not feeling it you know, my usual happiness of the holiday. And Tim, I love the guy,but at first I didn't think I was going to enjoy the day with him and I tried hard not to make it apparent, but I know he knew. But... The thing about me is, like twenty minutes in, I was just so happy to be with him and have him near that I couldnt stay in a iffy mood. I had a very good evening with him. It was a very different type of valentine's day with him. He really just chilled and relaxed, and after the week I have been having, relaxing is just what I needed. Leave it to Tim to know what I need even when I don't know myself sometimes. thats why he is my boo. lol

But the changes in my life are due to the way I have been feeling lately. Today I did a mood chart. in the past 14 days, I have been depressed 6 days. That is almost a week out of two weeks. Only half of that time, have I been in a good mood. Of these depressed day, two days I was moderately depressed to the point of having a hard time going throughout my day. I have over slept most of these days and in the past two weeks, I have been over eating to the point of having stomach aches. I have dealt with extreme anixety 9 of these 14 days, and 1 time, I had a panic attack that cause me major distress. I thought I was dying. I delat with one maybe two hypo-manic days, which if you ask me, they are a pretty damn good time, so you dont see me complain. for those who dont know, hypo-mania is: A condition similar to mania, but not as severe. A person has a high mood and may behave strangely. But the person is able to function normally. So like I siad, its not a big deal. But the anixety is what worries me the most. The anixiety causes the depression, the bad headaches, the isolation behaviors, and the worst part, the stomach aches. My stomach hurts so bad sometimes, I don't want to move. Also, by mild case I dont mean I am not feeling this way (depressed) strongly. But I am not at the point where I can't function, I want to kill myself, or hurt myself or someone. I never have been really. I suffer mostly from moderate to severe depression. I've been like this on and off for the past month and a half, which the last time I felt like this for a long time without reason was three years ago. So a mild case means I dont go thru this much. Normally, I'll be depressed maybe three-five days, every two months or so, which is normal for most people. Its not often I get episodes like this you see.

So in light of the things that have been going on with me, I realized that it is time to make some changes. For one, due to the fact that I am suffering from what many people call a serious illness (but not serious enough for it to be an excuse for misbehaving, I am one of the lucky people to have a mild case. People tell me all the time that I am lucky), I can get a medical withdraw from school. The people at school, doctors, and my parents suggested this. I guess the main purpose of my life is to get better. Ak I feel ashamed to be truthful of having to deal with this, having this, and making my loved ones live with me like this, but then I remember that for 80% of the time, I am not like this, I'm not all that bad right now,its just anixety talking, and I don't have care what anyone thinks. The people that matter are always here for me. Thats all I need really. So... I am planning to look for full time work lol. If I'ma have free time, i'll use it to make money. I need to save anyhow and study for the entrance exam at Eastern. I still got two classes and my little after school job to keep me occupied, so till then I am getting myself together. I finally realize that I need to lol. And its gonna take some adjustments and some work, but my health is important, so that is all the matters really. (that I just realized too)

Now, I usually keep the blogs of this degree private. But, some people are misinformed about depression. The blues is not depression. Depression is disabling at times. Painful in many ways, physically, mentally. It can cause people to do alot of things that wouldnt usually do, and destroy personal relationships. It is not a way to look for attention (if I wanted attention, I'd put on a sexy outfit lol). It is not a way to back out of responsibilites. Doing all these things caused depressed people sadness. I hope that my telling you this will help you see a side of me that is usually seen as me being stuck-up, moody, or withdraw. I hope you really see the pain I am going thru and understanding that we all have our own personal battles to fight. Mine is this.

Good Day All!

Jasmine

This SharePost is a response letter to a friend from this forum as it represented where my head is at this am. 

Hope you don't mind, MC.

 

Dear MC,

 

Thanks for your comments. It's true that when I write, I challenge my intentions; it's almost like I have discussions with my 'self,' on paper. Hey, why not? We do it all the time in our heads. It's kind of fun when you write it down as you can actually see the demons working away at you, each trying to have their way with you. Kind of P_____sses them off when you see them, exposed.

 

I wrote a blog a month or so ago, in which I saw for myself, firsthand, this ongoing discussion - (fight for controlling interest of my head).  Check it out if you are interested ... http://www.uswalker3.blogspot.com/

 

I write a daily email inspiration (positive life affirming quotes, poems, parables, etc).  This daily mailing which has taken on a life of it's own over the past year, growing each day to include people from all parts of this planet, is called the 'Daily Good Dog Feeding.' 

 

Here is the story about how Good Dog was born.  I mention this because it reminds me of those two voices in my head ... as well as inviting you to receive it as my gift to you, if you'd like.

 

 

ABOUT 'Daily Good Dog Feedings' 

A friend shared a story with me about a meeting he once had with a Native American elder. This story had a great impact on me. The elder told my friend that his people believe that we all have, within us, a 'Good Dog' and a 'Bad Dog,' that are always fighting to be in control. My friend asked, "Which One Wins?" The elder simply replied, "The One That You Feed."

 

______ . ______

 

I started researching and sending out a daily inspirational message to my son as well as to reinforce the 'Good Dog' in me. Thinking my friends might find it of value, I added some people. Soon, it took on a life of it's own. This simple story, from my friend, has grown into something that has greatly improved the quality of my life and from what I hear, from people from all over the planet. What a blessing. Want to be added to the list? Email me ... uswalker3@hotmail.com

 

You or anyone else reading my rantings are welcome to receive Good Dog.  Just send me an email.  Cancel any time, if you don't like it and I will NEVER sell it out with Ads or use the names. Promise.

 

I really love to share this with people. It makes me feel great to do something that I know makes life a little better place for others.

Kind of selfish, but hey, I'm human.

 

 

You know, MC, this email column that I write every day is one of those 'God Shots,' a powerful tool that I use every morning, and have for over a year now.  I get so many positive responses from people, that I have come to look at it as a responsibility for me. 

 

Even when I am suffering from extreme depression, which is usually the first few hours of most days, this mandatory self-requirement forces me to turn my minds attention around towards a positive 'Good Dog.'

 

Without this tool, I'm afraid that I would spend many days hiding under the blankets, feeling sorry for myself and falling victim to my disease.  I am so done with that energy - having done that all my life and really don't have time for it these days! 

 

I have to admit, this may sound simple, (changing your mood by focusing on Good Dog) and it is simple ... but it is FAR FROM EASY.  Beating mental illness is not whimps!  Many days, it's like turning the Titanic around, but you know, I've found that I can always turn it around, with constant steady pressure.  Some days, it runs my ass over.  Oh well, 2 steps forward, 1 step back - Progress, Not Perfection is my goal these days.

 

Good Dog always helps turn around my attitude, inspite of my mind's intentions.  I have found that my attitude is a direct reflection of my emotions, and my emotions come from my thoughts and my thoughts come from whatever it is that I CHOOSE to focus on.  Seems to be totally backwards, putting the acrt before the horse, but it works, for me. 

 

I have found this to be a valuable tool for my emotional survival, something I need to work at, very hard, each and every day, hour by hour, minute by minute - sometimes.

 

In the Dog, I always use quotes, poems or parables that seem to address what issues I need to focus on. Funny how that works; it's almost as if I do my part and sit my ass down at my laptop ... then God takes over and writes what He wants. I am not claiming to have any inside connection with the Big Guy - it just seems that whenever I do my part, ideas pop into my head.  I just have to type. 

 

It's pretty much the same with my sculptures - I have to do my part and walk out into that cold studio when everything within me is screaming NO ... and usually, within a short time, ideas come to me and I start getting excited.  All I need to do is allow my body to move around and put stuff together and eventually, VOILA ... something is created that was just a pile of stuff.

 

One thing that I have found out for a fact ... I have never written one word or created one piece of art, from under my blankets. That is where my disease wants me to be - in bed, despising myself for my illness, trying with all it's might to convince me that I am a worth-less, use-less pathetic parasite carbon based life module.  I say F______ the disease ... I got stuff to do.  I have a life to live and even though it seems, some days, that I can literally feel it's cold breath on my neck as I am moving on, I AM moving on.  If I stop, then it catches up and takes me down.  Most days, I out run it.  Some days i don't.  That's' life.  Those days, I just stand there and hurt and that's OK. 

 

The real miracle for me these days, is that I don't feel desperate to run around trying to find something to put out the flames.  Being a Dual Diagnosis (recovering from BPII as well as an alcoholic) it is my nature to feel the need to not feel the pain, to obliterate my emotions when they hurt so bad.  In all actuality, I am addicted to damned near everything.  I am addicted to 'MORE,' more of anything has always been my answer to pain and suffering, which of course causes more pain and suffering.  You name it, food, alcohol, legal and illegal drugs, workaholism, relationships (or in my case - hostages), sex ... i mean, there is NO END to where my 'self' wants to hide.  I have spent my entire life is FEAR, which up until an accuarte diagnosis of BP and proper meds, FEAR stood for F--- everything and Run.  Today is stands for Face Everything and Recover.

 

OK, now I've noticed that my mania has kicked in as I'm rambling on and on.  Sorry mania, time to cool your jets for a while.  I'm in control these days.  Thanks for listening to my head.

 

 

God Bless Us All, We Deserve It.

 

Louie R (uswalker) http://rochonsculpture.artspan.com/mbr_bio.php

 

About a year ago, I started writing a daily email inspirational to my son, entitled 'Daily Good Dog Feeding,' which I started to help myself first thing in the morningto point my head in the right direction.  It's helped me a lot.  Since then, it has taken on a life of it's own, spreading all over the planet.  Must be helping other people point their head in the right direction as well.

Anyway ...  have been struggling with BiPolar II depression all of my life and did not have a proper diagnosis until last year.  Finally, over the past 12 months, I have found great relief, actually finding balance, most days.  This is nothing short of a miracle, for me.  Every day, I use every tool in my bag of tricks to stay well.  I fight hard for daily sanity.  I'm sick and tired of letting the demons win over my mind.

There are days that aren't so fun, but on the whole, just having hope in my life again - is simply amazing and I couldn't be more grateful.  I am so happy that I didn't end my life as I never knew life could be this good.

I wanted to share one of the quotes from a recent 'Daily Good Dog Feeding' that I have on my wall.  I take my meds, religiously, every day.  I also read all my favorite positive quotes that I have collected from my daily email project.  This is one of them.  Hope it helps you as it has me ...

 

Vaccine for Depression

"... and therein lies the genius of my teacher, my mother's mother, who fulfilled herself completely by always forgetting herself in the joy of the welfare of all those around her. This is the only real cure for depression.

It is the prescription that would come from any authentic spiritual physician. If you dwell upon yourself and your own private satisfactions, the first disappointment will throw you into a depression.

If you can train to think more and more of the needs of all those around you, to work with people around you even if they are not always pleasant, you will be making yourself immune to depression, and you will be helping others to do the same."

From

THE PROPHET, Kahlil Gibran.

 

Louie R (uswalker) 

http://rochonsculpture.artspan.com/mbr_bio.php

For the last couple of months the pain just never seems to go away.  It seems to appear in so many places at one time.  I just wished it would stop so I can go on with my life

The ALERT System - For anxiety, panic attacks & stress

When you are confronted with a fear, challenge, pressure, or crisis which causes anxiety, panic, or stress, utilize the SEA's ALERT system:

• A - Assess

• L - Lessen

• E - Ease

• R - Relax

• T - Take Action

A - Assess First, you need to assess & identify the fear, challenge, pressure, or crisis that is creating your anxiety, panic, or stress & then identify the "sick,'' irrational & unrealistic thoughts & feelings which are at the root of the anxiety, panic, or stress for you.

L -Lessen

2nd, you need to lessen the impact of the "sick'' thinking & emotional response by countering it with new, more rational & reality based beliefs & feelings. Tools for Personal Growth contain directions how to overcome irrational beliefs & fears.  The new rational belief & emotional response in the ALERT is based on the sum total of all of the new thinking & feeling you experience in the SEA's recovery program based on the SEA's 12 steps & the material contained in the Tools For Coping Series. E - Ease 3rd, you need to ease your anxiety, panic, or stress by "self-talk'' based on your new, rational & reality based beliefs & feelings. This self-talk & self-affirmation can include visualizing yourself handling the current fear, challenge, pressure, or crisis in a successfully healthy way. The "self-talk'' needs to be reassuring that "you're a good person'' who can handle things in a healthy way. This needs to be in the form of I can, I am & I will statements. R -Relax 4th, now that you've countered the fear, challenge, pressure, or crisis with healthier, more rational & realistic thinking, emotions & self-talk you need to relax. Let go of the tension, tightness & knots in your body. Attend to the state of calmness, warmth & relaxation which comes from the releasing of the stress in your body. After you're relaxed, then you're ready to proceed. T -Take Action 5th, now you're ready to take action to confront the fear, challenge, pressure, or crisis with healthier, more rational & realistic thinking & emotions. To relieve the anxiety, panic, or stress, you take the necessary steps to change your behaviors, responses & actions. You now act in a calm, self-confident, relaxed, less anxious, less panicked & more rational manner. You take action to change the situation so that a problem resolution is possible.

you can find more of this info at coping.org & at my website http://anxieties0.tripod.com/anxieties101/id13.html