... my special patient's behavior has been horrible for the past three days and I expect that its still going on. I nearly cried on Thursday after he told me to get the F*** away from him and thatit was over. He's been awful to everyone, and it amazes everyone that he's acting this way towards me. Thing is, I don't think he thinks he's talking to me, he looks at me like I'm someone else. When he's angry towards me, he calls me by his ex-wife's name. But when he's talking to Sarah, he smiles and tells me that I'm his girl and that he'll always be there for me. He even came looking for me on Thursday, thinking we were supposed to have lunch together. So obviously he knows who Sarah is but thinks I'm the ex sometimes, too. This is so weird. The behavior changed sooo fast. He was great on Tuesday. Something has to be going on with him medically. I think that his ammonia levels are up from the liver disease. They need to do something before he hurts himself, an employee, or another resident. He tried to hurt my friend who is a CNA last night. This behavior is so scary. I used to be able to stop the anger. All I'd have to do is say "J, it's Sarah. Calm down. It's going to be okay", look him in the eyes, smile, and he's calm right down and smile back. I don't know what to do... this sucks so much

Well.. another day and another entry.  I of course had my mind set on so many things I wanted to accomplish today and yet I know I got a few things accomplished but feel like I still am takingseveral steps back. :(  I did not get to start the 'schedule' today since I had to take him to get a hair cut and his doctor appt which is a 40 min drive away so we didn't get home until after 6pm.   I am upset that his own father goes out fishing with his fiance on the ocean (hmmm gas prices and 50 gallon tank) several times a week while I have to figure out how to pay our son's medical bills (which as of the past two days is 630.00 that is with medication).   I have not received one dime towards medical bills since February and sure that doesn't sound like much time but he didn't start paying until January since he was under tricare until then.  I guess I am just unnerved that he puts on such an act as he is the 'poor sad part time dad .. oh how he LOVES his children' yet last time he saw them was Christmas and did he buy them a thing? NO but did he get his married girlfriend presents? Oh YES and of course the children notice this.. they are 13 and 9 they are not blind.  

Wow.. guess I had a lot to say .. been keeping it in for a year.   Hmmm what is the phrase.. I 'hit' my breaking point so to speak I guess. haha  

 One positive is the children KNOW they are loved by me and they KNOW they are safe with me. 

 Tomorrow will be DAY 1 of the new schedule.  At least that is my plan but we all know how the best made plans sometimes have huge unmade glitches. :(

  

I'm not quite ready to go into the depth of my health challenges but I can say this I Am Not Broken.

I am by no means a blogger but I felt that this community is useful and neededin my life and a way to contradict aloneness that I have felt from time to time. I started my diary with a poem that I wrote a few weeks after my mother had told me about being suffocated as an infant and her reasons of why.

I grew up understanding that my mother was not well the depth of that was not understood until she told me of the suffocation on to me, when I got my mind and soul around that piece of information and working on my feeling of why I felt insignificance. A few weeks ago just when I thought my spirit couldn't be shook anymore then it had already. She called me again in a drunken stupor and most likely a blackout and informs me that she would shake me to get me too stop crying due to the withdrawals from amphetamines .

Yes I am angry! but not because of having to face racism in school and within the family's of my parents, or for realizing I like girls the way boys did, nor being raised as a JW, and having a learning challenge that I got held back in kindergarten then pasted on from grade to grade. What I am angry about is that I have been turning to my mother for support about my health challenges all these years while she was idle at doing the right thing. That is my proof of insignificance. More importantly she is dying due to alcoholism and prescription drugs, this leaves me with no recourse of reaction meaning that feels like. But i know this is not hopeless nor powerless. Yes I am grateful for the fortune of what health I do have but it dose not make the justifiable anger any less.

What an sad affair when the day came little more then two years when I had the revelation of awareness to my feeling of insignificance I had placed the blame at my fathers feet. He is an old man that has a blindness of what harm the mother of his children have endured. But he and I have been doing the best we can to regain a relationship thats been in waiting. I now know that when a child spirit is hurt so deeply to the point that her belief of her goodness and significance of self can cause questions of her humanity due to a parents drug/alcohol and mental illness.

What do I want out of all of this? Some how bring awareness to the public on the long terms effect that it has on survivors and the challenges that we live with.To help others who have survived by reminding them their not alone. How to live life with the relentless physical pain. And reclaim my belief to all goodness and significance as I AM.

With the hard work that I've have invested over 25 years on my mental and emotional life and the wisdom that has come that plus from 45 year on this planet along with the grace of the Great Spirit (GOD) maybe it wont have too take another 25 years.

 

You have to ask youself everyday. Who is the addict?  My husband walks around like there is nothing wrong.  Makes me wonder sometime if its me. Now here I am again at the very end of my rope.  Hey its not even a rope anymore its just air.  I have lost everything I have so far I don't know what esle I can do.  Lets see he takes my last bit of change, my family has no idea he is the addic that he is.  Oh not to mention he works when it wants to apparently cuz I never get anything from him.  I feel that I should just out him to the family and maybe that way he might at least try but I am just confused.  I did tell his brother and that didn't help any not at all.  His brother told his mother and sisters and there now acting like we are leaches I know great.  What is there left for me to do?  I am tired and scared

My best friend knows a woman that is a BIG time drug abuser. She went to the doctor paying in cash and walked out with Hydrocodone 5mg. her first visit. Her second visit she walked out with 7.5mg hydrocodone. Next month they are going to give her 10mg.

The only reason this lady wants the pain pills is so that she can trade them off for things she can inject into her veins.

All she did was walk into the doctor and said I have back pain and POOF. They hand her over exactly what she wants!

I wish there was a way I could find out who her doctor is because I would call him or her and give them a piece of my mind! She has track marks all in her arms so she won't be able to lie her way out of it!

Here I have been siffering for a year and a half and this drug addict can walk into some doctor office and get something she doesn't even need! Yes I'm furious! This is not right.

I don't want her doctor to get in trouble because then it will only strengthen the fear all doctors have about treating peoples pain. I just wish there was a way to get her in trouble.

It's people like her that make it hard for people like us.

"Hope is an infallible thing. It is the one thing that you can never loose. You can't give up hope." The first time my friend David told me those words I wanted to cause him physical harm. I imagined myself hitting him very hard with a blunt object until he begged for mercy. (See, now you know why I was in therapy for so long... anger issues!) At the time, David led a small class on wedneday night called Freedom. Yes, we sat in a circle and shared our feelings. Anyway, the class that night was centered on depression. Oh, I had plenty to be depressed about. And many times have said, "I've lost all hope.", "I feel hopeless", "I want to die." So, since I am a verbal opinionated not so young lady I decided to voice my opinion. I retorted, "I don't believe thats true. I've lost hope before. I've even begged to die. I have even attempted suicide before."

He looked at me and said, "So when you tried to kill yourself what where you placing your hopes on?"

Without thinking I said, "Well, I was hoping to die. But, obviously that didn't work out."

"See, you didn't loose hope. It didn't magically go away. You just placed it in something else. Something that couldn't help you or give you joy."

At this point, I realized what he was saying was true. (Which inherently made me want to hurt him all the more!) I misplace my hope, faith and trust in things and people that can't help. So, when everything is lost, and theres nothing left where do you put hope in? Cars? Material possessions? Money? Family? All things will fail you. They will. Its a fact, not a theory.

Recently, I watched the new Rambo. Its like the millionth Rambo they have come out with. But this one was different. First off, it was more violent and bloody. Second, it was about the people in Burma, and medical missionaries that got capture there. This was an awefully graphic depiction of what these people went through. Some of them lived. But they all had one thing hope.

I personally place my hope in God. When life happens God is always there. Some have said to me, if your God is so great, why did he let you get in the car accident? I always answer the same way. Let me? It called free will. You can't have love without it. I love Val Kilmer, but I'm sure that if I kidnap him and lock him in the basement and say, "love me now!!!", not only would I be arrested, he definately would not love me. The greatest thing about Love is the freedom to choose. And that is where I place my Hope, in a God that is Love.

 

p.s. I also got my anger issues resolved in that same class. It took a couple of years.