FUCK. rite know i am having another anxiety attack. Plus one moment ago i was smiling && know i am the total opposite (bi-polar). How could he hurt meso much. My own flesh and blood. and try to bye back my love with money ETC. W T F and i know that telling my mother was a HUGE step for me BUT, i don't even know how i have made it this far. AND I've never been so scared in my life to confront someone. My g-ma i hope she will believe me. And if she doesn't i will just keep living.  I am most scared of how its going to affect her.  She just lost her mother Rip 6-3-08 and know this. How is she going to take it.  && im just so afraid her reaction and what shes going to do. FUCK my heart && my head is in so much pain. WAT 2 DO WAT 2 DO!?!

Okay, so, I have dealt with depression and mental illness for a long time. It took me years to come to terms that I could possibly even be mentally ill. I think it was because my mom would used to makecomments like "Your dad's whole family is crazy, I hope you never have a mental illness." It hurt because I think deep down inside, I always knew that there was a good chance there was mental illness. I just wanted my mom to accept me for me and not judge me based on something such as mental illness. Mental illness is looked at as being a crazy person or socially unacceptable, when in reality, it's treated the same way any physical illness is. You take pills and you go to a doctor, except our doctor is a shrink. I came to terms with it after reading an article in the college newspaper at the college I attend about mental illness (it was mental illness awareness month I believe and the person, who is now a great friend of mine, has bipolar) I have learned that yes, I may have this illness but I can still live and be normal. I have great friends that are helping me cope and I am meeting great people on this board who know what I am going through. That's something I would never be able to get from any shrink or therapist.

I am also the type to show so much love and compassion towards people that ironically, I push them away. Sure I do my share of yelling and screaming, we all do, but I am sure my mom would be quick to say I take the cake for that one. But, I would do anything for a friend or even someone I just met and I just want to be there for people, so much that I want to hang out with them constantly. I have been known to be "clingy"  and as long as I am battling my alcoholism, I might as well fight that too. I want to get to a point where I can be alone and be okay. Sometimes, when I finally feel I have reached that point my parents come back into the picture and always want me home. I am 21, I need to be independent. I know they love me but by doing that, they are doing more harm than good. So, I try and stay away from them (I am not doing it to be mean

So, I mentioned the alcohol. I am proud of myself. I am almost a whole week sober! It sounds small but for me, it's big! I can't wait for the day that I won't even have to think twice about refusing to have a drink or to not go into a restaurant and be curious about the types of alcohol drinks they have. But, I know, one day at a time.

I'm keeping this journal to see if my Strattera is working as an anti -depressant as well as for attention deficit.  I'm defintitely doing a whole lot better ever since I've been takingAbilify, Lamictal and Campral.  90 days ago I decided to stop drinking so the doc prescribed the Campral.  My new doctor was wondering why I barely take the Campral I just don't feel like I need it.  Anyways since taking Abilify i noticed my Manic attacks are few and far between.  And the Lamictal I think helps for my crying attacks.  I was drinking daily for about 2 years straight.  Huh all of a sudden it comes to me and my doc I've been self medicating which lots of BP people do as well.  So once I finally stopped that self medicating I was having manic and cring attacks fast cycling I think.  But I don't really know how I am off my meds.  And not drinking I wonder if I would freak out.  I'm in the process of applying for SSI I would never be able to afford all my Meds once my insurance runs out. Until when ever

... my special patient's behavior has been horrible for the past three days and I expect that its still going on. I nearly cried on Thursday after he told me to get the F*** away from him and thatit was over. He's been awful to everyone, and it amazes everyone that he's acting this way towards me. Thing is, I don't think he thinks he's talking to me, he looks at me like I'm someone else. When he's angry towards me, he calls me by his ex-wife's name. But when he's talking to Sarah, he smiles and tells me that I'm his girl and that he'll always be there for me. He even came looking for me on Thursday, thinking we were supposed to have lunch together. So obviously he knows who Sarah is but thinks I'm the ex sometimes, too. This is so weird. The behavior changed sooo fast. He was great on Tuesday. Something has to be going on with him medically. I think that his ammonia levels are up from the liver disease. They need to do something before he hurts himself, an employee, or another resident. He tried to hurt my friend who is a CNA last night. This behavior is so scary. I used to be able to stop the anger. All I'd have to do is say "J, it's Sarah. Calm down. It's going to be okay", look him in the eyes, smile, and he's calm right down and smile back. I don't know what to do... this sucks so much