Some times I just don't know.

 I got frustrated this morning because I can't push through the pain, I became disappointed at myself because I seemingly took it out on Pam (life partner) who took it personally and then I became disappointed at her just because of how she reacted. I am totally aware of where my disappointment truly lies at the feet of my Mother.  It doesn't help me when I here "you do this all the time, alot" when I know that I am working as hard as I can to become aware of a pain flare. It becomes even more unhelpful when I have to tend to her feelings which I can make right at the time. She see the pain come on I can't stop that but to ask me to drug myself up and out is not right. Her feeling come at me to the point of me feeling like an abuser or being abusive. My awareness is clouded by the pain and the medicine.

 I know that what she sees me go through is not easy to witness.  I feel like I let her down  because I couldn't bite my tongue

 PLEASE tell me I'm not alone with such thoughts of not knowing what to do and how can I comfort her. Alls I can do is cry alone away from her. GOD What is this doing to her can someone tell me?