Today was one of those days were I felt like a balloon that the air was let out of. The fatigue really has me down today and it seems like every muscle in my body is aching. I don't really have muchof a appetite as well. It's hard being young and not be able to do anything because of my crohn's. I'm hoping I can find relief from this disease soon...

 

The Story of how 'Daily Good Dog Feedings' Started.

It is one of those stories that can change your life, forever, ignitinga spark of hope and offering up a powerfully effective yet simple technique. The story of the Good Dog has changed my life forever and as you will see, the lives of many others around the world.

Often, when I'm suffering from my mental illness, (Bi-Polar II), mania and depression as well as severe ADHD, when hope fades into desperation, I pray, No, I plead with God to listen to me, to help relieve of my suffering ... yet, I hear nothing but that maddeing silence.

This story is about how God answered my pleading prayer, not only giving me hope and strength but also giving me the idea of lighting a single candle that has already lit thousands of other's candles all over this planet, providing a little daily flicker of hope that others can light their own candles and find their way out of the dark.

Oh, back to the story ... sorry, I do get a bit manic when I write ...

About a year ago, I was undergoing a particularly bad bout of debilitating depression, hiding it from those around me, as usual, while dying inside. I was at an alcohol support meeting when someone shared a simple story.  My life has never been the same since then.

Funny how sometimes somebody says something that sticks, that becomes a permanent fouundation on which you can rebuild your entire life.  Perhaps I was at a place in my life that I was worn out and ready to listen. That day, God answered my pleading prayer, through one guy, that I had not seen before or since that meeting, one of my angels - there have been, many!

Finally ... The Story that Changed My Life, Forever ...

ABOUT 'Daily Good Dog Feedings'

A Native American Elder told a story about his people believe that we all have, within us, a 'Good Dog' and a 'Bad Dog,' that are always fighting to be in control.

My friend asked him, "Which One Wins?"

The elder simply replied, "The One That You Feed."

That anonymous angel shared that story with me in January of 2007.  At the time of hearing it, I thought, "Cool story, after 20 years around this place, it's amazing to hear something I've never heard before."  That was it, just a simple story that I thought was pretty cool.  I filed it into my brain with all the other clutter accumulated from 54 years of mostly useless thinking and went about trying to survive another day of my life.

That very next morning (mornings are the hardest time for my depression) I seemed to be especially aware of my thoughts. I watched as my mind instantly went towards fear, dread and self hate; it's as if I was watching myself watching myself and condemning myself.

My depression, especially when mixed with extreme mania at the same time, can cause me to feel disconnected, totally fragmented from my-self (whatever self is) and the rest of the world.  That morning was especially harsh, feeling as I was hovering over myself, watching this pathetic human parasite in that dirty bathrobe smoking a cigarette and filled with hate and disgust and anguish of feeling so alone and anger at God for feeling like such a victim for having to endure this kind of pain.  You get the picture ... it was a pretty atypical morning for me. 

Normally, it would take a full pot of coffee and a 1/2 pack of smokes before I could start making a meager plan for coping through the day.  This was my life, trying to figure out how I could hide from everyone around me, for an entire day, pretending like I was normal, until I could close the door to my room, alone, put on my dirty bathrobe and finally, feel a sense of relief in closing off the world, until morning.  And it would start over again.  Every single morning, day after painful day, it would start  over again like a perverted mnetally ill version of 'Groundhogs Day.'  This was, my life.  But this morning, looking back, was a morning unlike any other morning I had ever experienced.  This morning something would change my life forever ... back to the story ...

That January morning, slumped in a chair, sucking coffee and cigs in my dirty bathrobe, suddenly a thought, a clear thought (that's a novelty in and of itelf) came to mind.  The story of the Good Dog vs. Bad Dog popped into my foggy little mind as well as the words of Eckhart Tolle. 

Eckhart Tolle's The Power of Now, which I had studied for years trying desperately to find relief, asserts that ...  Emotions are Caused by Our Thoughts and Our Thoughts come from What We Think and What We Think is Determined by What We CHOOSE to Think!

That's what God was telling me through my angel and his story of the Dog, and through my memories of the words of Tolle ... that I have the power of choice of how I feel.  "Oh Sure I do," I thought, "Right!."

"OK," I thought, "I'll give this a try. Like what do I have to lose?"  At first, trying to think of something positive when I had grown morbidly accustomed to the gloom and doom of endless years of depression, seemed impossible.  Yet the concept of the Dog made so much sense to me.  I had to reach for some hope.  I was watching myself die.

I forced myself to make a mental 'Gratitude List,' something I had done over the years with success, when I remembered to do it.  It was like trying to turn around the Titanic, after it had sunk, but I tried, God I tried to think of things that I was grateful for, yet I was filled with such self hate, fear, rage, and fragmented thinking.   I did manage to scribble a few mental gratitudes.  Within minutes, I noticed that my depression was 'different' ... not as overwhelming, still there and very powerful, but not taking me over completely. 

As the weeks went on, forcing myself to listen to the Good Dog and forcing myself to stay firmly planted in the present moment (as best I could), I was noticing a change, a BIG CHANGE in depression, on a more permanent basis.  I was getting help, medically, but I believe that this mental trick, this forcing my head to focus on something positive, worked and worked better and better each day.

Running out of positive thoughts and things to be grateful for, I started reading and researching to find life affirming quotes, poems and short stories.  I started writing them down as I searched for positive 'Good Dog' reinforcement.  Then I started emailing them to my son, who said he was having some depression.  I would research and put together a daily email with a combination of quotes, short stories or poems and send them out with the title ... 'Daily Good Dog Feedings.'

Before long, word spread like wildfires, as people forwarded these 'Daily Good Dog Feedings' to their friends and family.  As I am writing this to you today, there are thousands of people from all over the world that are receiving the Dog, which I affectionately call it today.  I am in contact with dozens of people every day.  I am making friends with people I have never met, yet feel a bond as strong as those of close friends, why ... because we understand each other.  We are survivors and we are all in the same lifeboat together.  We need to help each other, not to die, but to get stronger and live, to recover from a disease that can be managed, if we choose to recover.

Anyway, I'm rambling cause I'm pretty manic today but hey, rather ramble on about something positive than hide in bed, beating myself up.

I have spent my entire life in this painfully lonely and dark place; the insanity of mental illness. I'm done suffering!  If I suffer now, it's my choice because today I have tools and I use them.  I have my Good Dog choice, my doctor and medications as well as many other tools I can use if I CHOOSE to heal. 

Today I choose life and today life is sweet, even though there are painful episodes from time to time.  Today, even the pain feels good as it reminds me that I'm alive.   I'm not going back into hell.  I've been there and it's not all that it's cracked up to be.

Hope you decide to have great weekend.

God Bless Us All, We Deserve It.

Louie (uswalker)  http://rochonsculpture.artspan.com/mbr_bio.php

NOTE:  I am happy to share the 'Daily Good Dog Feediing' with anyone that wants it ... just email me at uswalker3@hotmail.com  I am not doing this for two reasons, first because this daily practice keeps me alive and secondly, because it feels really great to be able to help others. 

 

 

 

some people have a dog

others own a car

i have friends who have a hobby (or hubby)

I have Crohn's !

 

Its not all i have, but it is definitely the most important thing i have in life.

i know some people think Crohn's Disease is contagious and keep away, but all it really is - A pain in the ass. and i can say that again ;-)

My life in the big apple just your regular work-eat-sleep only i have Crohn's.... so eating is not the same, so is sleeping.

 

sorry i started with this bitching post - my first

bad day ;-(

i promise i'll be more optimistic on the next ones