Caged Chaos: Dancing Between Raindrops.

Lately I feel like I am trapped.  I am trapped in a body that has closed itself around every problem or issue that one person could have and my body is now suffocating itself on issues that I justcannot let go.  A normal person would be able to let things go that happened a day ago, a month ago, a year ago or even ten years ago, but I cannot.  I also cannot talk about them in a normal way.  My tdoc says that when I talk about the trauma in my life (I have been raped, beat up and in emotionally abusive relationships) I talk about it like it didn't happen to me.  I don't cry or get emotional, I just state the fact and move on.  To me this all sums up the name:  Caged Chaos.  On the outside I look pretty normal.  I am a mother of two beautiful children that have blessed my life in ways that I cannot even begin to explain and I am the wife of a US Army Solider and have a family that loves me a few good friends that always have my back.  But, this is all a wall, the first layer to my cage that I put up for display for others to see.  Inside I am dying, bleeding and aching to break free.  Inside all of my triggers explode, the bad from the past runs rampant and the swings from one end of the spectrum to the other move so fast that I cannot blink.  My perfect husband is the man that raped me, hit me, and belittles me.  I cheated on him which makes me a horrible person especially since I still can't quite put my finger on why I did...my therapist says it was revenge for what he did to me, but hey, what do therapists know?  My children are angels, I could never discredit them, but they deserve a mother better than me and I hate that.  My family sticks by my side and supports me but I watch the eyes of them and my friends as they wait for me to explode again, for the chaos to break free and for that one word to fall from someone's lips once again:  "Hospital".  This life I live is shattered, but its not shattered on the outside, but on the inside.  The outside looks normal, the inside is destroyed...doesn't an internal bruise always hurt worse than one on the surface?  Well that is me, Caged Chaos, completely insane, but with the hope that soon I shall overcome this and be strong once again because I know that the chaos can't hold me forever.