Diary Entries for CagedChaos

And So Continues The Daunting Depression

CagedChaos

I’ve never felt so lonely in all my life. I cannot concentrate or focus on anything and every feeling that I have seems to be amplified by like one thousand percent. I’m tired all during the day and then have trouble going to sleep at night. I know I need to be strong for my kids but that is so difficult when I am taking seven different medications and they make me nearly nocturnal. Today, I nodded in and out for two hours because I coul [...]

Biggest Depression of My Life.

CagedChaos

I truly hate my meds. Maybe it isn't just my meds, maybe it is just a cycle, but I am in the biggest depression of my life that I remember. I can barely get out of bed, regular daily tasksfeel impossible and I find joy in nothing. I am always tired, but I can never sleep so it is just an endless cycle of pain. My husband is in Korea so I am left to take care of my two children and while I can do the regular child duties, I feel like I could be giving them so much more [...]

The True Meaning of Caged Chaos.

CagedChaos

Lately I feel like I am trapped. I am trapped in a body that has closed itself around every problem or issue that one person could have and my body is now suffocating itself on issues that I justcannot let go. A normal person would be able to let things go that happened a day ago, a month ago, a year ago or even ten years ago, but I cannot. I also cannot talk about them in a normal way. My tdoc says that when I talk about the trauma in my life (I have been raped, beat up [...]

It's Official...I'm Going Insane.

CagedChaos

I swear that I am about twenty different people living in this one body and frankly it is getting a bit crowded and I am starting to wig out slightly. I haven't worked in quite a few months and have applied for Social Security in the past and was denied. I now have been hospitalized seven times and so people are suggesting that I reapply. The only problem is I can't work during the process or I will get denied and even though work is really hard for me, I need to becaus [...]

Lyrics That Speak To Me 3: No Light, No Light

CagedChaos

No Light, No Light - Florence and The Machine

You are the hole in my head
You are the space in my bed
You are the silence in between
What I thought and what I said

You are the night time fear
You are the morning when it's clear
When it's over, you will start
You're my head, you're my heart

No light, no light in your bright blue eyes
I never knew daylight could be so violent
A revelati [...]

Lyrics That Speak To Me 2: Echo

CagedChaos

Echo- Jason Walker

Hello, hello
anybody out there?
'cause I don't hear a sound
alone, alone
I don't really know where the world is but I miss it now

Refrain:

I'm out on the edge and I'm screaming my name
like a fool at the top of my lungs
sometimes when I close my eyes I pretend I'm alright
but it's never enough
cause my echo, echo
is the only voice coming back
[...]

Nothing

CagedChaos

I feel like I am nothing. I feel like there is nothing around me. I have no idea who I am and cannot even name a hobby that I practice anymore. The things that I once enjoyed and heldpleasure for me do not anymore and it seems like my life is filled with nothing but emptiness, loneliness, and nothing. I have no idea who I am or who I am supposed to be and that is something that I have struggled with for a very long time. It is like every day I feel like I shatter in [...]

I Know I Need To Stop. (Trigger)

CagedChaos

I feel out of control. It had been nearly four months since the last time that I self injured and for the past week and a half I have self injured nearly every day. I have marked up my rightarm so much that if it wasn't for my long sleeved shirts, everyone would see the crazy state that I am in. I really wish I truly understood the reason that I self injured and even more I wish I understood why it made me feel better when I do it. Something about seeing the actual wo [...]

Lyrics That Speak To Me... X Amount Of Words.

CagedChaos

Below are the lyrics to a song I recently stumbled upon by Blue October. The frontman and main song writer for this amazing band, Justin Furstenfeld, has been struggling with bipolar for quitea while as well and his music really speaks to me. Let me know what you think.

X-Amount Of Words lyrics

Relapse
Prevent trigger intent
Now drown
High strung
Say X amount of words

Your solar, bipolar
Panic disorder [...]