|Apr 02 2012|
I’ve never felt so lonely in all my life. I cannot concentrate or focus on anything and every feeling that I have seems to be amplified by like one thousand percent. I’m tired all during the day and then have trouble going to sleep at night. I know I need to be strong for my kids but that is so difficult when I am taking seven different medications and they make me nearly nocturnal. Today, I nodded in and out for two hours because I couldn’t find the energy to get up and get moving. Luckily I got my kids up and to school but it just feels like I am doing the bare minimum in my life right now and I hate it. I want to be excelling I want to be enjoying my life and not just sitting around in a drug induced haze watching my life and those I love’s go by. The depression I am feeling is so daunting and it feels like I am never going to come out of it. My doctor added Prozac and I am hoping that maybe that will help. I’m just on so much medication and I think once you get to a certain point the medicine could be doing more harm than good. I don’t know I just feel crazy and sad and lonely and angry. I don’t know what to do anymore; I just want to be happy. I want to be normal and be happy, is that really so much to ask? I see people out living their lives and wonder why can’t I? Why can’t that be me? I just want my life. I have never been depressed like this and I am also at my heaviest so I feel ugly and horrible on top of all of it. Every time they put me on a new medication the side effect always seems to be weight gain. I can’t be fat and unhappy, that just doesn’t fly. I don’t know what to do anymore, I wish I weren’t here. I wish I would just disappear….God I would do anything to just disappear.
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