|Oct 14 2010|
My psychiatrist told me last night that I have really grown. and the things I was talking about clearly show how much progress I have made. But I am lacking in courage. My interactionswith my wife are exactly where they always were he said.
The fact that I revert to a little child in fear when I am around her has to change. He told me that we each play a part in it though. That it cannot be a one-sided. It's the dynamic we've created over the years. I completely cower with her. I am afraid to tell her the simplest little thing. I freeze in my tracks and evade her.
My therapist says it's memories of being a child. The fear I felt from my mother, the betrayal and insecurity I felt from the girl who had a boy threaten my life the torment. Last week I had to have a conversation with my wife about money and my needs. I was TERRIFIED going in there. I don't know how to fight for things I need in the right way. I begin to tremble, I begin to evade and I feel undeserving, but I know that I'm being told that I need to try and live an adult life otherwise I'll never grow.
The conversation got more and more heated and I tried to explain all of the thought and counseling that went into the decisions I was making. Yet, my wife saw them as impulsive irrational behaviors. She could not hear the contemplation that went into what I was reasoning. I merely 'wanted' these things to feel good.
Ultimately, after trying to stop the conversation several times, I lost all control and became hysterical. It physically affected me. I was shaking like a leaf. I was crying. I found it hard to breath. I felt like a child. I wanted to get out of there because I knew I couldn't continue. I knew I could not allow myself to regress any further and get into a state where I let my emotions drive me to do something stupid. I was already saying things that I didn't mean. And I knew that I don't get like that except in those conversations with her.
My therapist and I worked hard on preparing for that conversation. We rehearsed and went over what I should and shouldn't say. We spoke about how I shouldn't over-explain and that I can talk to much, making me sound very defensive. Afterwards I wrote to my therapist:
That didn't go well. At all.
I reeeally messed up, I lost control and broke down. I tried, I really did. I tried the rehearsal, I was trying to stand firm. I felt good going in.I felt myself trembling almost the entire timeShe started asking me the amount (My Friend who loaned me money) gave me. She started telling me how impulsive and irrational it was to accept the money from axel without asking her. That I cannot take any money from anyone without her permission because of the papers we signed. I explained to her that it wasn't a loan per-se. She didn't wan to listen, she wouldn't let me finish a single sentence.then when she started saying how she was done, because this was just another "A-HA" moment- she said we need to divide this all legally and she wanted to go to her divorce lawyer friend for a mediation, I blurted out that it was time for a divorce. But I didnt mean it.Soon after, I became uncontrollably hysterical and had to leave. She told me to calm down and stay, but I had to get out of there. I was shaking for hours.I need help talking to her. I need help expressing what I need to say to her.the whole thing was so so traumatic.I'm fearing I'm insane. I'm fearing I've lost all control.
Then my therapist wrote back:
You are not insane. (My wife's name) just triggers incredible anxiety in you when you are under her berating attack. You re-experience feelings that WERE too much for a young child to handle. Thats what human beings do. They avoid pain, however they must. Even the alcoholic who takes a drink when his liver is shot is not, in that moment, self destructive.
That is not his intention. He is trying to survive his psychic cohesion. People who never find a way to do it (commit) suicide. They can no longer take it, and they need a way out. You found escape in things and activities that were comforting when you were a child. (Your toys, collections, building things etc.) Children, when young, may create things that can seem bizarre when they carry over into adulthood..
Your creativity was your escape from torture. Yes torture. The most bizarre behaviors most often have their roots in infancy. When there are no words. Maybe we can write to (My wife's name) together. But I do not think bringing her into session is a good idea when things are this raw. She will not be receptive.
I do not want to do your talking for you as this will keep you in the child position. I know you regress in the midst of conflict with (My wife's name). You lose the ability to think...to talk. You are terrified. It all comes back. But I want you to remember this state is MEMORY. You CAN begin to slowly tolerate them now. Take care of the little boy that had nowhere to go except into his fantasy. Thank God you were creative. You had to create to escape. When you were emotionally triggered, you needed to find a way to escape. You used your God given talents to help you cope. As an adult, sex become part of the content as a means to replace love you didn't feel. But it still remains the same coping mechanism. Maybe someday (My wife's name) might be able to understand how they served you in your quest for mother love. Keep this and read it often. See you Tuesday
So that's where i am.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change
The courage to change the things I can
And the wisdom to know the difference
Thy will, not mine, be done
Please, watch over my children and my wife
I love them
I love you
I love all of your children including me
Amen. I do believe.
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