|Jun 29 2010|
The group leader in smart recovery told me tonight how self-aware I am. I asked him if he was kidding. He's asked me three times now to consider leading a groupbecause they need people. I am so very not ready for that. One day I hope that I can take my experiences and share them with people in a way that can help them.
But I am not ready.
I told him that I still feel like a monster. He said, "We all do. that's why we're here." It's good to know that I am not alone in this. But somehow, it seems we all feel we're worse than the next person.
Smart Recovery is full of people with all kinds of addictions. There one old woman who is there because she feels she feels she is addicted to always having to be right. They do say if a repetitive action is causing our lives to become unmanageable then it is an addiction.
The commonality I'm seeing is that we are all searching for a sense of self. Many speak of early trauma or neglect or being pressured into being something his or her parents wanted them to be.
Growing up, I never thought of my life as traumatic. I just thought, that was the way things were. When I saw other families behaving differently, I think I started to crave it. I saw that love was not abusive. I wanted that. I never wanted to become abusive to anyone. I swore to not be disrespectful to my children or to punish them with violent reactions. So I suppose I did learn something from it. I suppose I evolved from the generation before.
The problem is, that I never learned how to not be abusive to myself. That is what I knew. That was how I learned to see myself. As deserving of punishment. But no one is naturally wired that way so conflict arose within me.
The misguided ways I sought to seek the love I coveted from other families caused me to develop malformed self-regulation. No matter what I did, I never felt satisfied. I was always hoping for an event that finally made me feel loved and accepted.
And I never looked inwardly enough to see that I needed to develop healthier ways of self-regulating. I had to have it hit me in the face so hard, that it forced me to see how it happened.
So, thank you Robert for being so supportive of me, but I am not ready yet. Thank you for giving me a bit of hope that I might at least be on the right path. But my journey is one that has just begun. This is all very new to me.
I am becoming self-aware. I do realize now the damage that was caused and how I perpetuated it.
He says that helping others will only help my own growth. So I will make that a goal. It would be so rewarding to help someone else not to feel this way and hopefully I can do it before they hit there bottom like I have.
So much. So much.
Well, I didn't get to make it to confession today as my work day was packed tight and I had therapy and wanted to get out of work on time for group. So I'll try again tomorrow.
But, I pray that God guides me each and everyday. I pray for serenity, courage and wisdom. I pray for peace when I feel I am in hardship. I pray for my wife, my son and my daughter and all those who are hurting. God, hear all of our prayers.
I also pray that I will not have anymore nightmares tonight. The dreams I had last night were beyond disturbing. I woke up in a sweat crying. I do hope I can rest better.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.
The courage to change the things I can.
And the wisdom to know the difference.
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