|Oct 26 2010|
Each day is bringing new challenges. I'm having a hard time. Last night I cried for a long time. It was the most I've cried about all of this. I'm not just mourning theloss of my marriage, (I am indeed) but I've lost my family.
The entire world I thought I lived in is like glass shards in an intersection of a town I visited. Everything I had other than my job was linked to my marriage. Family, friends, my home…everything. I have no friends except the ones in New York where I work. And I pretty much cut them off years ago. What do I do now? Go running back to them after I told them I couldnt be around anymore. I have no one to talk to here.
While, internally, I had emotional issues which caused me to act out in private, I focused 99% of my life at work and at home in real life. I'm on an island where I can see people living life and being happy on another island across the water.
My family and my home were all I had. Now I have nothing. My kids aren't even interested in talking to me right now. I've lost my best friend of over 18 years. Her family, who were my only sense of real family have now cut me off. I feel like a criminal. A social outcast who is being shunned.
How do I start a new life?
I don't even have the motivation to start a new life. I'm still mourning. I think I will always mourn.
Was I really that bad a person? Do I really deserve to be punished this severely?
I miss my boy and my girl. I miss my family. I miss my wife. I miss getting them ice cream. I miss fixing the computer for them. I miss taking her out. I miss watching her laugh. I miss her sweet soft lips. I miss her doing her silly little dance when she was feeling silly. I miss the smell of her. I miss the Ink Well. I miss Mexico. I miss Newport. I miss New Year's Eve. I'll miss Christmas, laying out the gift for the kids. Trying to secretly get her a gift even though we said no gifts for one another, but then she finds out anyway. I'll miss her getting mad at me for that. I couldn't help it. I love her. I wanted to get her something. '
I miss her. This is not how it's supposed to be. Something's wrong.
This is not the Earth I landed on.
I want to go home.
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