brokensoul

I was addicted to drugs, mostly cocaine and then I was taking codiene w/ alcohol. I almost died. I was in a coma for a month. I destroyed my pancreas, my abdomin and digestive system, there is no cure, only maintenance, I take 14 pills a day for my stomach to digest food properly plus I have chronic pain, it never ends, it is always there.

I went to every specialist in the state and went through more tests than I can count and the end results was there is no cure only maintenance and pain management.

I have to have the right combo of meds for it to help me. I was put on fentanyl patches w/o knowing anything about them, it was so hard to stop them, tried so many times, even ended up in the hospital once. Finally this year w/ the help of my dr I detoxed off of the patches, it was so great. But the dr put me on oxycontin 60mg and percocets for breakthrough pain. For some reason he raised it to 80mg last month and it was terrible, I felt like I was going to OD. I am sorry but I find no enjoyment from oxycontins and don't really understand what the attraction is especially if you are sick when you come off of them.

This week I am going to see the dr and try to taper down to 40 mg, I wish I could quit taking pain meds altogether but the pain in the mornings is so bad that I can't move until the pain meds start working. I usually wake up like 5-6 AM from the pain and take my pain med and go back to sleep so when I am ready to get out of bed the pain is managable. It never goes away totally, it is always there, I try and ignore it since it is not that strong after I take my meds. Most days I can ignore the pain but it gets fustrating at times that  I break down and sleep all day to escape the pain.

I also do not have much energy, if I do a project, like this week was painting the outside of my house, I was sick for 2 days afterwards. I have not gone on any vacations because it takes the strength out of me and I am sick the whole time.

The pain meds make me restless, and anxious. There are no good feelings from the pain meds. I hate taking them and how it makes me feel. There are some days that I can't even get online to MDJ because of all my physical problems. I will have them for the rest of my life, Now I need the dr to find the right combo for me to take.

All this because I loved to do drugs, the gave me confidence, made me feel beautiful, made me feel like I could do anything. I was on top of the world. Until it came crashing down around me. I will never be normal again, don't even know what normal is anymore. I destroyed my life. I have to live w/ it. MDJ has given me the courage to go on and becoming a leader has given my life purpose. That because of all my addiction I ruined my life. Being on MDJ has given my life purpose, that it is not all wasted to drugs. Through my experiences I may be able to help someone not to go down the same path.

I suffer daily, physically, sometimes emotionally. I had one chance at life and I blew it, my health is shot,  I sleep alot to escape life and pain. I go through life, doing the motions but am I really living, the meds make me feel so uncomfortable, its hard to explain, like I am not myself, and never will be. Maybe w/ the right combo of meds I will feel better. I want to go on the lowest possible dose.  I don't want to get high. I just want to live but because of drugs and alcohol I ruined my options. I don't want others to make the same mistake and if they are addicted maybe I can help them. That through my bad choices some good can come out of it. I am fighting everyday to have a life, to be peaceful in my heart and soul. I hope I have helped members on MDJ because w/o that I would feel worthless.

Just needed to get those feelings out, what the pain meds do to me, what they did to me. Living everyday now to best way I can and it is not easy when you do not have your health.